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Thread: Getting over a short "relationship" and dealing with regrets from that time

  1. #1

    Getting over a short "relationship" and dealing with regrets from that time

    I'll try to make this as short as possible (although I may fail )

    In February I "met" girl on Tinder, we messaged on there for a few days and then over WhatsApp for 2-3 weeks before meeting. Over the next two months we ended up seeing each other three times and texted every day, she would send me good morning messages and GIFs pretty much every day, so I ended up thinking about her a lot over that time.

    At the beginning of April when I next asked when she wanted to go out again she replied with reasons basically saying why she didn't think it was right for us to see each other again. Things ended amicably, there weren't any arguments or any bad stuff. We ended up exchanging 3-4 texts each a couple of weeks later (almost exactly a month ago today) about something completely unrelated, she had heard about a car accident and asked what was happening and wanted to check that I was ok, so again, ended on a friendly note.

    The problem is I'll keep randomly thinking about her, the times we saw each other, how much I enjoyed being with her and how good I felt. I think the reason she lost interest was because I was too passive in general with things. Looking back I see signs I maybe missed back then that she was giving me. My anxiety seemed to make me hold back too much when I was with her, and I keep kicking myself for not doing the things I wanted to at the time. After the third time I saw her I had a feeling things felt a tiny bit different that I couldn't explain, but even after that we still texted every day and talked about things we could do in the future.

    No matter how many similar stories I read from other people who have also "fallen" for people they knew for such a short amount of time, I still can't help but feel kinda stupid for being hung up on someone I only knew for two months, we weren't even a proper "thing". If things just faded out or whatever then that wouldn't be so bad, but I can't help but feel I messed up a good chance with someone I really liked and who gave off the impression she really liked me.

    I really want to stop blaming myself and having regrets of things I wish I'd done. I keep telling myself I can't change things but it doesn't help.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You need to learn from what you think you did wrong and then not do those things again. To me it sounds like you two were just not compatible and you should not be blaming yourself for anything. Get busy with friends, and get yourself out there, then you will move on and stop thinking about her. Not every relationship is meant to work out.

  3. #3
    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    You need to learn from what you think you did wrong and then not do those things again. To me it sounds like you two were just not compatible and you should not be blaming yourself for anything. Get busy with friends, and get yourself out there, then you will move on and stop thinking about her. Not every relationship is meant to work out.
    Thanks! Yeah not being compatible is how I'm trying to think of it, it's just hard as I feel like the reason my anxiety was more than usual is because things felt good and promising, and because I really liked her.

    I am definitely trying to make sure I learn from the mistakes though, I don't want to repeat them and have the same regrets.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by BadAstronaut
    Thanks! Yeah not being compatible is how I'm trying to think of it, it's just hard as I feel like the reason my anxiety was more than usual is because things felt good and promising, and because I really liked her.

    I am definitely trying to make sure I learn from the mistakes though, I don't want to repeat them and have the same regrets.
    Keep in mind, your anxiety may also have had nothing to do with it. It could be as simple as she met someone else and decided it was a better fit for her, or an ex came back or something.

    Don't be too hard on yourself. I know it's hard to not to think about what you would have done differently, but there's no guarantee it would've worked even if you had changed your approach. Sometimes such things are out of our hands.

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  6. #5
    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Keep in mind, your anxiety may also have had nothing to do with it. It could be as simple as she met someone else and decided it was a better fit for her, or an ex came back or something.

    Don't be too hard on yourself. I know it's hard to not to think about what you would have done differently, but there's no guarantee it would've worked even if you had changed your approach. Sometimes such things are out of our hands.
    Her original reasoning was that she was too busy with work and everything which seemed believable at the time with things she had told me, but then a week or so after our last contact I saw that she had updated her Tinder profile, which is when I started thinking about if I had done something (or not done something, like move too slow).

    I agree it might just have been a not meant to be kind of thing, it's just because she went from seeming really interested to not pretty quickly that I feel there must have been something.

    Thanks though, I do get what you're saying and under all these thoughts know that it still might not have made a difference :)

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    The whole point of dating is to meet as many people as possible to learn who might be compatible with you. The odds are never in anyone's favor, and that's not cynical, it's just natural odds. So given that most people are NOT our match, it's best to skip too much messaging and fantasy-building, and just set up a bunch of quick coffee meets, instead. Like speed dating, you can just stop in for a quick cup on your way home from work. If anyone stands you up, take your coffee with you, and nothing lost.

    Check one another out for 15 to 30 minutes with a rule that neither can corner the other for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, then no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

    It's helpful to grasp that most people do NOT own the capacity to view us through the right lens--that's why simpatico is so rare. Rejection speaks of another's limited vision rather than of any reflection on you.

    Think of a GOOD match as finding a needle in that haystack so you can roll with it when your lenses don't match. It makes no sense to plunge yourself into despair over bad matches. They are the majority, and they are what make finding true simpatico someday valuable.

    Allow wrong matches to pass early and meet the next person you've lined up.

    Head high.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it sounds like she was never all that interested. Anyone who waits for weeks and weeks to meet and then just goes from dating app to messaging app is probably filling up time with cheap filler like texts, gifs, etc while she dates others. As a general rule, the less in-person meets, the less interest there is.
    Originally Posted by BadAstronaut

    In February I "met" girl on Tinder, we messaged on there for a few days and then over WhatsApp for 2-3 weeks before meeting. Over the next two months we ended up seeing each other three times and texted every day.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately it sounds like she was never all that interested. Anyone who waits for weeks and weeks to meet and then just goes from dating app to messaging app is probably filling up time with cheap filler like texts, gifs, etc while she dates others. As a general rule, the less in-person meets, the less interest there is.
    I agree. It's liberating to grasp that there is no magic behavior that you can 'do' or 'not do' that automatically transforms someone into a simpatico match--or blows such a thing out of the water 'if only' you had done the 'right' thing. That's magical thinking that will trap you into a really lousy image of yourself as some 'failure' every time you meet a bad match.

    So quit that. Either someone owns the capacity to overlook the nervousness we ALL feel when meeting someone new--in order to view you through the right lens--or not. That's rare, it's supposed to be rare, because if finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

    This is the reason why we 'click' with some friends better than other people. We don't have the same simpatico with everyone. That's WHY learning how to roll with meeting a LOT of people in order to strike that simpatico someday is so important. Otherwise, you'll drill yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, and instead of building confidence in your own ability to screen out bad matches, you'll sink yourself into miserable feelings of self consciousness that will keep you desperate for ANYone to like you. That's not dating, because it's not screening, it's investing your hope in everyone you meet to become your lifeline.

    Healthy people LIKE themselves enough to know that either someone will 'get you' or not, exactly as you are. This allows you to relax into yourself and trust that the right person for you will recognize you for your shared vision and your unique value. This is true of all of us, so it's not necessary to tap-dance for anyone.

    Head high, and trust that the only way to find the RIGHT match for you is to learn how to screen out as many bad matches as it takes to meet her and recognize her beyond all others who don't matter.

  10. #9
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    I am literally going through almost the exact same thing right now, although the split happened because of outside influences. Texted all the time, hung out a bunch towards the beginning met up in person only a few times following due to our schedules. Hung out about 6 times over 2 months but we both felt the connection. Dont be ashamed of yourself for getting too hung up on her, because you are definitely not alone in that department as I did the same thing. I also have regrets of things I did, or did not do in the relationship and although they bug me everyday, I see them as a learning opportunity. Basically, I now know what I should and should not do in my next relationship(s). I canít just tell you to not think about the times you had together, because that is impossible. All I can say is over time those feelings and thoughts will pass. In the meantime, just try to keep yourself occupied with random things, anything to get your mind off of her. Time heals all wounds, give it a little then start putting yourself out there again. Good luck man, and keep swiping!

  11. #10
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    Of course you were timid in person, you only met 3 times. Building up comfort with someone in the physical plane needs time in the physical plane. And if you are naturally cautious already, it might take more time. What was the reason you only saw each other 3 times in 2 months?


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