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Thread: What is on his mind?

  1. #1

    What is on his mind?

    So I am a 22-year-old gay male who just graduates from college. And I couldn't feel worse, because I feel like I am leaving the love of my life forever.

    I saw Sourav at our first internal examinations in the first year. He was a mechanical Engg student, and I am a computer science student. I still remember, looking over my books and seeing this gorgeous guy laughing with his friends and messing around. I was mesmerized. Over the rest of the exam week, I observed him carefully, drinking in every detail, and I couldn't help but fantasize. I had just recently started becoming aware of my sexuality, and seeing this guy propelled my "teen" angst. In India, where I live, LGBT relationships aren't common outside of urban areas, and being gay is taboo in the majority of the country. My college was a Catholic management institution located in a rural area. I would get ostracised if anyone found out about my feelings. So I couldn't just go up to him, or even talk to anyone about my emotions.

    At this point I'll give you a bit of background about the mechanical dept. They're the Indian equivalent of frat boys. It's a male majority department that is testosterone-obsessed, masculine to the point of inducing vomit, had a group mentality and was incredibly condescending of anyone who didn't tick all their boxes. Sourav, who's dad owned a large plantation business and was PTA president, was more or less the center of this group. Imagine Chad Michael Murray in A Cinderella Story. His family is well respected, well connected and devoutly Catholic.

    So I basically relegated any hope of my fantasies coming true to the back of my mind. But seeing him made me feel things I didn't know I could feel. So for over a year, I stalked him online. I found out about his interests, his school life, everything. It's a little creepy when I say it like this, but you have to remember, this was the most I could do to satisfy my need for romance and love.

    In the second year, I saw a chance to cross paths with him. We had an event, and I was in charge of the MC script. I knew that Sourav was good at commentary, so I suggested his name( or rather, pushed it until they selected him and forced a senior friend of mine to get him to agree). At last, there I was, sitting RIGHT NEXT to the man of my dreams. He smelled like Heaven, looked like angels had carved him out of some divine material and he was so sweet. I was officially head over heels.

    I asked for his number. He gave it.

    It took me a few more months to get the courage to text him on Whatsapp. I started talking to him and pretended to be straight. I remember him complimenting my Whatsapp profile picture, telling me I looked like Enrique Iglesias (for all his perfection, he clearly had vision problems). But one day, he saw through my charade. I don't know why or how, but he asked me if I really liked girls. I said no, in a spur of the moment. And he was okay with it. Noting everything I knew about him and his family, this shocked me.

    We continued talking for the rest of the year. We'd chat for hours on end. Sometimes it felt like he was flirting, when he complimented me or when he called me "drama queen", saying that he enjoyed the drama I brought. There's a lot of moments like that, too many to recount, where I'd put my phone done, heart racing because, for a second, it seemed like he may feel something for me too. He asked me about being gay, how sex works and all that. Of course, in retrospect, he was probably just being nice, but in those days, my love-addled brain was picking out our wedding cake when he said these things. We chatted on Facebook as well, but never in person. In fact, during the time we were speaking to each other, we almost never met in person.

    I started to get brazen, to openly flirt with him. I'd say that he was the most handsome guy I'd ever seen, that if he were gayI'd love to date him (or if he were ever curious and in an experimental mood, my door(or rather, my legs) was always open). He'd always laugh it off, but since it was a chat I'm not sure if it was an uncomfortable laugh or if he was really okay with my flirting, maybe even enjoying the attention.

    Whenever I saw him in passing, I go up and talk to him. He'd give me this big smile that melted my heart, and actually deluded me into thinking that yes, there was something here. His friends would laugh at him whenever I spoke to him, because like I said, I didn't fit their version of manhood. And that's where the fester began.

    His friends started saying things, mocking him every day in class. I don't know the extent of the jokes, but he got pretty mad and it really bothered him, especially seeing the status he and his family had. He never mentioned it to me, but kept giving that same heart-rending smile whenever he saw me.

    And that's when I did something stupid.

    It was the second half of the third year (Jan 2018). We were doing an event together. And I gave him a note, telling him how I felt about him.

    He blocked me that afternoon on Facebook, Whatsapp...everything.

    I felt so lost. Was it because of his friends? Was it because of the note? Was he not attracted to me? I was like a zombie for days, crying and at times just staring off into space. It was like everything I thought was possible just dissipated right before my eyes. I'd still see him in the hallways, but he'd walk right past without looking at me like I didn't even exist.

    Though I remained unblocked on Whatsapp, the days after I gave him the note, he blocked and unblocked me on FB about 5 times. In the end, I was blocked for good.

    Then, after Valentine's Day, he messaged me. Someone told him that I was painting pictures of him, and planning to give him a rose. This was not true, but he wanted to confront me. He told me that stuff I was saying about him bothered him, and he wanted me to stop. His tone had completely changed, and I could tell he resented me, almost saw me as something disgusting. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about, and that someone was probably just making up stories. Our whole situation had become pretty well-known among his and my peers by this point. He grudginly accepted this, and for some reason, I remained unblocked. I'd message him a few times, apologizing or just saying hi. He'd read it but totally ignore it. I got frustrated and sent him a musically video of me miming to a love song, just to get a reaction. I wasn't disappointed: he blocked me again.

    Things got back to normal. The pain was still there, but I ignore it. He continued avoiding me in the halls. We just went on with our lives. Then in June, I noticed a Whatsapp status update from him. But the number was still blocked. This leads me to assume he briefly unblocked me, and then changed his mind.

    Summer came by. Sourav was pushed to the back of my mind. When the final year started, his ignoring me was something I just accepted, and I felt that it was over. I wished it wasn't so. Part of me wanted to talk to him, to know what was going on. But I knew I'd only get silence in return if he didn't run away first.

    Then the final month of the final semester came by. We hadn't spoken or looked at each other for over a year. I wanted closure. I wanted answers.

    He had unblocked me on FB some time back. I sent a request, he declined it and now I couldn't send anymore. Clearly, he didn't want to talk to me.

    I thought he would speak to me in person or on Whatsapp before classes ended, to end the problem between us. When he didn't, I took a risky step: I asked a friend of his that I found decent to convey my apologies ( of course, I didn't tell him the whole story). Within an hour, Sourav unblocked me on Whatsapp. No message or anything, but that was enough to start the old feelings back up again.

    On the advice of my friends, I didn't message him for days. Then on Friday(May 17), my last day of class, I messaged to ask him if he was present in class so he could sign my uniform. He didn't see the message, and I assumed he was busy with his friends.

    It's been 2 days now, and he hasn't looked at my message.I assume he deleted it, or is just ignoring me. So my question is, what is going on? What is going through his mind, what does he think of me, why is he still not talking? Am I an idiot? Did my imagination go too far? Does he feel ANYTHING for me? How can I move on?

    I know a lot of the stuff I did was manipulative,shrewd, insensitive and many may think that I deserve what I got.But I did it out of desperation and loneliness and love. I genuinely believed he was the one. This was the closest thing I had to a college romance (pretty sad when you think about it).

    I apologize for the length of my post, but I had a lot to get off my mind, and no one to talk to. My parents are totally unsympathetic, and believe that what I am is wrong. My mother believes that I have no right to have emotions and that it is better for me to be alone in life than disgrace them by being in a relationship. Sourav made me believe that I had a shot at a happy ending, and now I know that that isn't a real thing.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Feb 2013
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    I'm sorry to say this but you are coming across as intrusive and stalkerish. This is a hetrosexuai male you have been creeping... why are you so obsessed with him? He is clearly not interested in you and is likely just unblocking to see if you've finally sashayed away (as RuPaul would say ~ I loves me some Ru. :) and yes, I am a straight female)

    So for over a year, I stalked him online. I found out about his interests, his school life, everything. It's a little creepy when I say it like this, but you have to remember, this was the most I could do to satisfy my need for romance and love.
    Wait, what? No, this was not the most you could do to satisfy your need for romance and love. You could have left this poor guy alone before you made him uncomfortable and embarrassed with your obsession of him and put your sites on a man that had the same sexuality as you do.

    Please get on with your life and stop creeping this guy. You are wasting valuable time that you could be using to find someone compatible instead of what you have been doing.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Feb 2012
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    Lincoln, Nebraska
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    659
    Agree with everything ThatWasThen said. I know it was probably hard to read but you must try to have boundaries.


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