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Thread: Advice from any dumpers out there please

  1. #1
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    Advice from any dumpers out there please

    Me and my fiance were together for 5 years, we recently got engaged and bought a house in the last year. We've had a tricky 6 months due to outside pressures (finances and change of jobs, typical stuff) but we were finally coming out the end of it, although we were still saving like mad for the wedding next year. At the end of March my fiance and I had a row and he said that I didn't love him enough, we argued too much and that I was clearly not happy. None of which I believe to be true. It became clear he was trying to end things, which I could not believe as only weeks prior, due to his distance, I had been on the verge of walking out only for him to say how much he loved me. We took a couple days apart and met back up and he said that I loved him too much and that the problem was he couldn't love me right and that he didn't think we could get married as the spark had gone and he had recently got close to someone at work and experienced that spark that he says is missing with us. I was surprised he admitted to speaking with someone else as he is so against cheating. He said he couldn't believe it had happened and that is how he knew we were having real problems he could no longer deny. He says he doesn't want anything with this married woman and they haven't talked since and he just needs to be on his own. He is adamant he doesn't want to try with me and has had concerns for months despite saying he was happy with me even up until we broke up. He said he was trying the whole time but his behaviour wouldn't suggest that and he said he had been good at hiding things. But I know him and he was happy about seeing me and would ring and text me lots when we were apart seeing friends (even doing this the night before we broke up!).

    We're no longer living together now but we were seeing each other almost weekly for the first few weeks but I've gone no contact now (which he said he didnt want because he wanted to still meet up and chat to me as long as it wasn't about us). He has given me some mixed messages and I was wondering if I was reading too much into it (probably) and if he may come back, even if not soon. I was his first everything and he has always struggled with communicating how he feels (he said he didnt even tell his friends or family he was having doubts about us, which I believe) and is known to bottle stuff up, which he admitted doing with his concerns with us. He cant give me a straight answer why we are not together and has told me he misses me and loves me. He has remarked how much better i am doing than him (he said one of the reasons he stayed was because he was worried how I would be without him) and has needed a lot of comfort and reassurance since this happened, which I haven't sought from him. His friends are telling him not to see me and he has lied to them about seeing me but admitted to having a lovely time and being pleased to see me. Since the talk about no contact he has been on social media posting more about the fun he is having and I wonder if he is secretly chuffed with the NC and I've blown my chance at getting him back. I do want us to work even though there would need to be major changes as clearly we both weren't as happy as we thought. He said I am his best friend and he knows we could have been happier than most couples but didnt want us to grow to hate each other, which I wouldn't have let happen and would have walked away before that point, like I almost did. He has admitted that he knows his life will be awful without me but knows it's best for us both in the long run to be apart. Despite these feelings I am the one putting things in place to get the house on the market, which he thinks is too soon but what else did he expect? I know it's all a lot but I would have thought he would have considered the logistics of needing the house sold so we can get our own places. Am I crazy in thinking he may be having a breakdown? Does he need time alone and will NC help (although that is mostly for me!)?

  2. #2
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    I would get a lawyer. Was this house bought in both names?

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    Yes it was but he has continued to pay half of everything and has been very ambicable

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    He seems to have some serious issues and could benefit from counseling in order to sort himself out. As for you, talk to a lawyer and see about selling the house.

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    I don't think he's having a breakdown, though I can understand why you're wondering that.

    Instead, I think that you being his first and only everything had him curious about what else is out there and realizing he's not ready to commit forever yet. He got close enough to another woman to feel a spark with her and it seems to have raised some concerns for him, about your overall compatibility and his ability to really exclude all other women - forever - at this point in his life. He might have tried to stuff down these feelings for quite some time, hence why he was still able to keep up the facade and prevent you from catching on that something was wrong.

    Almost 20 years ago now, I split up with my long-term boyfriend (we too lived together, though we didn't own the house) We'd been having some issues, though many stemmed from my growing feeling that he wasn't the one I was meant to be with forever. I didn't know quite how to articulate it and I even wondered myself if it was just a phase for me. Mind you, I was also very young. I happened to meet a guy on a night out, through friends, who took a liking to me and tried to get me to go home with him. I didn't, stopped myself just before closing the taxi door to go to his house, but I couldn't deny that I was very tempted. I was very troubled the next few days by my own thoughts, and why I couldn't get this guy out of my head. I kept wondering what it would be like to be with him, and what the heck I was going to do if I bumped into him again. I realized then that I needed to end my relationship - not for this other guy specifically, but because I couldn't keep pretending I was ready to commit to my boyfriend forever. I was too young and just not there in my life.

    I never did see the other guy again, which was fine. It wasn't about him at all, at the end of the day. But I also didn't regret breaking up with my boyfriend. I hadn't been honest with myself for a long time about how unhappy I was. My ex wasn't a bad guy. We just didn't have the legs to go the distance. I share this with you because I wonder if your ex is going through the same things I did. Even if this other woman is truly out of the picture, it sounds like his ability to even go there made him understand he needs to be single.

    Follow the other's advice and call a lawyer. Keep any contact with your ex to a minimum so you can both process.

  7. #6
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    I have said that i wished he had had relationships in the past so when he got wound up about silly things he would realise how good we had it. I think he was really scared he could have feelings for other people but that, oddly, is not what is bothering me, as i know we both could have worked harder to be more affectionate. We are both early 30's and he only proposed 6 months ago and was so seemingly excited about the wedding. I hope he will return but i have said it cant be based on what i say and do because he said he would be back by now if it was just for me.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. He doesn't want to marry. He's using the "you're not happy", "I'm confused", "need space" excuse to back out of it and the relationship. This is about him, not you. Yes he has to pay half his mortgage until you buy him out.
    Originally Posted by Cookieface
    Yes it was but he has continued to pay half of everything and has been very ambicable

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    It feels like months since i posted this! My ex and i did no to limited contact until last Friday. He came to the house to drop some things off and insisted on staying to speak with me. He said how good i looked and that it was nice to see me. He even cried as he left. The following day he rang and we spoke for an hour, he asked to see me this week (we had agreed to meet yesterday but he cancelled due to work, which i believe is true) and said he would text more (again becoming emotional at the end of the call) - which i did not think he would but he has. He has continued to do so this week and even starts the conversation most days. Am i daft (i know the answer) in thinking this is all a positive sign he is making effort or is it boredom/ego/bread crumbs? He hasn't suggested we meet again but i didnt either/act too bothered it wasnt happening. I was thinking of suggesting a phone call over the weekend.

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    Originally Posted by Cookieface
    It feels like months since i posted this! My ex and i did no to limited contact until last Friday. He came to the house to drop some things off and insisted on staying to speak with me. He said how good i looked and that it was nice to see me. He even cried as he left. The following day he rang and we spoke for an hour, he asked to see me this week (we had agreed to meet yesterday but he cancelled due to work, which i believe is true) and said he would text more (again becoming emotional at the end of the call) - which i did not think he would but he has. He has continued to do so this week and even starts the conversation most days. Am i daft (i know the answer) in thinking this is all a positive sign he is making effort or is it boredom/ego/bread crumbs? He hasn't suggested we meet again but i didnt either/act too bothered it wasnt happening. I was thinking of suggesting a phone call over the weekend.

    Yes, I think you do know the answer. Making an honest effort would involve getting back together, working on the relationship, discussing and fixing any existing problems, going to couples' counseling, etc. Sporadic phone calls, texting, and brief encounters are NOT "making an effort", they are methods of ensuring that you continue to be strung along. Your ex no longer wants a relationship with you, he has made this more than clear with both his actions and his words (i.e. "He is adamant he doesn't want to try with me" "he said he didn't want (no contact) because he wanted to still meet up and chat to me as long as it wasn't about us"). This guy doesn't want to try, period, but he wants to maintain communication on the condition that talking about "us" is off-limits.

    Unless your ex makes it crystal clear to you that he believes he made a mistake, wants to get back together, and is willing to do anything and everything to work on your relationship and fix the problems, cut off all communication with him immediately. Don't continue to give him what he wants in hopes that he will eventually give you what it is that you want. It doesn't work that way. I can guarantee you that he will continue to take and take as long as you're offering, without ever giving back.

    The next time he contacts you or wants to meet in-person, tell him the following: "unless you want to get back together and work on our relationship, I am done talking to you. Do not contact me, do not show up at my door. I'm not interested in being your emotional crutch, I'm only interested in being your life partner".

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Cookieface
    he asked to see me this week (we had agreed to meet yesterday but he cancelled due to work, which i believe is true) and said he would text more (again becoming emotional at the end of the call) - which i did not think he would but he has. He has continued to do so this week and even starts the conversation most days. Am i daft (i know the answer) in thinking this is all a positive sign he is making effort or is it boredom/ego/bread crumbs? He hasn't suggested we meet again but i didnt either/act too bothered it wasnt happening. I was thinking of suggesting a phone call over the weekend.
    What do you two talk about?

    I would be concerned that he's using you to wean off you, not to get closer. Sometimes dumpers have a hard time letting go, too. In my experience, this is often not because they are having doubts, but because they're so used to their ex's constant companionship that's it's a shock for them when it's suddenly gone. They might then lean too heavily on the ex to ease the transition into singlehood while the ex thinks that maybe things are coming back together. Until one day, the dumper doesn't call when they say they're going to, or suddenly isn't as eager to chat as they once were. That is often when the dumpee realizes that reconciliation wasn't ever in the cards and the heartbreak starts all over again.

    Is this the case here? It's hard to say. I would caution you to not get too far ahead of yourself before you have concrete evidence that he's interested in getting back together. Not general chit-chats or friendly meet-ups, but real conversations about what went wrong and how it can be resolved. Otherwise, you stand to get very hurt again.

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