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Thread: Advice from any dumpers out there please

  1. #11
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    Thank you both for your replies.

    The conversation started as texts about the house but he has since asked about my day and family and plans for the weekend. Because it all came following no contact and seeing me for the first time in 3 weeks, i got hopeful.

    I know, when i have my logical head on, that it is likely a case of being bored and lonely and maybe on some level he misses me but i think overall, from what i have heard and seen, he is content with his decision. And actions speak louder.

    Letting go is probably the hardest part of all this. Especially when i am not usually this emotional. Any tips are welcome!

  2. #12
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    I would be honest and tell him that it's too hard to be friends right now, as you still would like to work on the relationship and reconcile. Let him know that if he doesn't want that, you cannot be in contact at this time.

    Then, I would lean on your closest friends and family to support you through it. Especially when you feel the urge to reach out to him, let them be the firm but gentle reminder not to.

  3. #13
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    Ive not heard from him today and im starting to think it was just him bored at work this week so i guess that makes going NC easier. Thanks for the advice.

  4. #14
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    Using this as almost a diary now!

    I took the advice and sent him a message saying I still had feelings and wanted more than friendship. He said he loved me and missed me but only wanted to be friends. I was still glad I sent the message and went back to NC.

    The following week he turns up at the house on his way back from work a sobbing mess. I was about to go to work so calmed him down and left. We met up the following day and it was really nice, he was still very emotional and saying he wished he had talked to me sooner before we broke up and that he was so grateful for me. We agreed to meet up a couple days later and although he was less emotional, he was very cuddly and kept holding my hand. If it was a date, i would say it went well, ha!

    We decided to spend the day together the following week but he bailed and popped to the house briefly for a coffee instead. He said he knew the week before may have seemed like he wanted to get back together and he was worried about my feelings. I reminded him i knew it was over but he said he did not believe me. We saw each other again once since then, at his request. But it was awkward. Although I have feelings still, I do know we are over and I am not waiting on him.

    Back to NC for me now. I thought I had made good progress and something was changing but just massive breadcrumbs.

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  6. #15
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    He sounds like he might be a little bit manipulative. I say this because he says he is worried about your feelings and will be affectionate, but then say he only wants to be friends. If he loves you and misses you, he will fix that.
    Your meeting up with him wasn't a date. It was a way for him to make sure that he still has you in his pocket. He needs to know that you are still available for him in case his life without you doesn't work. And the fact that he keeps meeting up with you shows that he REALLY wants you to be there just in case.

    I think no contact is a very severe tactic. It works if you do not think you can control your words or actions, however. But honestly, the next time he contacts you, I would just reply "I'm glad you are doing well. I am doing very well. Really, I wish you the best. I cannot meet up with you as I have other plans. Have a great night!" And be done. Chances are, he will beg you to meet him. Stay strong. Tell him it is not appropriate. Just don't let him lead you on!

  7. #16
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    Let him know you are not a drive thru psychiatric urgent care center. Never let him "pop by" sobbing. It's intrusive and manipulative. It reveals very little respect for your boundaries or time or privacy. It also reveals that he has no fear of losing you and is quite assured you'll just be sitting home waiting for him rather than out on or with a date. Keep saying this to yourself "fool me once....". Stay strong and stay no contact. Strengthen your boundaries.
    Originally Posted by Cookieface
    The following week he turns up at the house on his way back from work a sobbing mess.
    We decided to spend the day together the following week but he bailed and popped to the house briefly for a coffee instead.

  8. #17
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    Thank you for your messages, i needed to read that. The last two times we saw each other it didn't make me feel good so i will find it easier to say no. I do feel used, whenever he is busy i dont hear from him and its not like he doesnt realise what he is doing, which makes it worse. Luckily im away with work over the weekend and have a holiday coming up i booked post break up so that will make it easier to limit contact.

    I dont think full NC will work but i will be loathe to initiate contact first. And i am confident when we do talk i wont say anything i regret. He acts like i broke up with him and i am clearly handling things better than he is. Even if i miss and love him still.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. Stay NC during your work trip and holiday. Allow yourself to use that time to reflect on what you need and want. Do not let him monopolize your time or mental peace.
    Originally Posted by Cookieface
    T im away with work over the weekend and have a holiday coming up i booked post break up so that will make it easier to limit contact.

  10. #19
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    He is weaning off you, OP. This isn't uncommon for dumpers who aren't used to being totally alone without a companion.

    The mistake a lot of dumpees make is assuming it means that the dumper has regrets and wants them back. In my experience, more often than not, it's simply the dumper looking for some attention or affection and they know their ex is a convenient and reliable source. But, they tend to fade out once they're more adjusted to being single or they start dating someone new.

    If he isn't actively and expressly trying to reconcile, you need to stop seeing him completely.

  11. #20
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    Thank you for the replies.

    I wish I had handled things very differently from the off but he seemed in so much pain, taking care of him was just too easy a habit to fall back in to. I know what you are saying is right. I just think back over our relationship and I treated him so right and he was so happy (enough to propose!) that I cannot believe its all over.

    I am in the process of moving over an hour away once all is sorted and hopefully that will help me detach completely and meet new people. Hopefully one day he realises what we had was real and our issues were fixable. I do think he is in a bad place mentally and he needs to figure all that out before we even had a chance.

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