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Thread: Problem with sex and ED?

  1. #1
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    Problem with sex and ED?

    Hi all,

    I have been dating a man for 6 months, the relationship is exclusive and we are boyfriend/girlfriend. We are having an issue in terms of sex.

    He was in a marriage for 10 years and said that they did not have a good sex life because she was not adventurous enough, whatever that means. He has had two other sexual partners, both very brief, since divorcing and meeting me. He was a little strange about sex all along—wanting to wait what I thought was a long-ish time once we were exclusive (which happened on date 4, he wanted to wait for sex until about 10 dates) and then once we slept together not wanting sex sporadically. He has been very very stressed with work, abnormally so in the past few weeks.

    He is very affectionate and intimate outside the bedroom. Lots of PDA in public, will make out with me for a long time. Always touching me in some way. Sex the first few times was fairly good. But, the last time we tried to have sex, multiple times over a weekend, he was only able to briefly remain hard. He would lose it and then cuddle and fall asleep. This led to his telling me that our chemistry was “off” and he didn’t feel sexual enough with me. He will lose his erection during oral sex as well. He claims that he has never had a problem with ED before. He made me feel like the problem is me. This makes me feel undesired and unattractive. He claims to have a deep emotional connection with me and says he wants to want me in a sexual way. He doesn’t think his ED issue is based on stress. Is he just trying to blame an ED problem on me?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kricket123
    Is he just trying to blame an ED problem on me?
    In a word? Yes.

    Look, he's totally allowed to lose feelings for you or to not feel the spark he needs to stay in it—literally and figuratively. That's life. And if that's the case, it's on him to be honest with you and end things, so you can each find the needed spark elsewhere.

    But if you're committed to someone—well, then you're committed to exploring all this stuff, together. It should be fun and frisky, hard or soft. If you can't find that fun with someone, it's often a sign that you're not compatible.

    Which, honestly, I'm not sure you are. Removing the focus on him for a moment, from what you've written it kind of sounds like you've had questions about how compatible you think this is, from a sexual standpoint, and have since the beginning. In six months you've had some "fairly good" sex and now all that is thorny? I can only speak for myself, but that in itself just sounds like mismatch. The fact that he's handling this the way he is right now—well, ditto.

    Any man who tells you he has "never" had an issue like this is lying. Bodies are complicated, hearts are complicated, minds are complicated. The best relationships make room to explore all those complications, but for that you need a willing partner. He seems prone to shut down and deflect. Hard to find intimacy in that, physical or emotional.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Imagine having sex with someone that you don't have chemistry with and how hard it would be to have an orgasm. It's not their fault, just as is it isn't your fault... it's just the way things happen between two people sometimes.

    At the end of the day it sounds like you are both realizing that now that the honeymoon phase is over, you aren't sexually compatible after all.

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    Thing is, I can’t imagine even kissing someone with whom I don’t have chemistry and with clothes on, he can’t keep his hands off me. I feel like he’s been stressed and his body is not cooperating and he’s putting that on me.

    Granted, this does speak volumes about compatibility and how one handles issues, but I am more wondering about the sex and chemistry and ED issue.

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    Originally Posted by Kricket123
    Thing is, I can’t imagine even kissing someone with whom I don’t have chemistry and with clothes on, he can’t keep his hands off me. I feel like he’s been stressed and his body is not cooperating and he’s putting that on me.

    Granted, this does speak volumes about compatibility and how one handles issues, but I am more wondering about the sex and chemistry and ED issue.
    Eh, there are different levels of chemistry. I wouldn't take "likes kissing me" as a surefire test of "wants sex with me".

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    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    Perhaps this was just a one time thing but...

    To me, it sounds like he has a deep-rooted sexual issue that he could probably resolve if he could just admit it and seek help for it. No one knows for sure but him, but I just have a hard time believing it's simply a chemistry issue when his sex life in a decade long marriage was poor and apparently it was her fault, much like how he's made you feel it's your fault now. Also the two brief sexual partners... it just sounds like someone who continues to have this issue and it's anyone's fault but his. Not that having a sexual issue is necessarily his fault, but the seemingly lack of trying to improve it is. A simple pill might resolve the issue.

    This is just my take from the little information that I have. You both either need to resolve this together asap or go your separate ways. Don't pressure him or make him feel bad about it, but he should give you the same in return. The way you both communicate through this issue is with honesty tempered by compassion, but you both have to be on board with resolving whatever the real issue is.

    I hope it works out.

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    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Okay you have all the information you need to see what is going on with this guy.

    First off it isn't you, it is him. He has the problem but doesn't want to admit it. Let's look at what he has told you:

    He was in a marriage for 10 years and said that they did not have a good sex life because she was not adventurous enough Blamed his wife

    He has had two other sexual partners, both very brief, since divorcing and meeting me I wonder why they were so brief?

    He is very affectionate and intimate outside the bedroom He feels safe because he knows he doesn't have to get an erection.

    This guy has ED plain and simple and I would guess it is caused by watching to much porn. I come to that conclusion from his comment about his wife not being adventurous enough. What he meant was "She isn't a porn actress"

    I bet he has a porn addiction and has conditioned himself to only be able to get a stiffy watching porn. That would be the good news because it is easily fixed by stopping! If he has ED from a physical ailment then he needs to stop blaming you and everyone else and go see his doctor. There are tons of things that can cause this and are totally treatable.

    Don't make excuses for him and don't allow him to make this about you. This is all on him and he is being a jerk for even implying you are the cause for his wet noodle.

    Lost

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    I will also add that he easily gets hard when we are making out. So I have a hard time believing that he doesn’t feel chemistry with me (to the point where he wouldn’t want sex). He also likes to refer to exciting sex that he had before his wife—when he was in his 20’s, as the benchmark for what should be happening with him now. Which is weird. He also defensively stated that he does not have ED when talking about the relationship and his issue with chemistry.

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    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    Ehh… OP, I don't like his behavior or attitude. He's in denial and he's trying to blame it on you.

    And really, why would you want to be with someone that admits he doesn't find you sexually attractive? It's an incompatibility at that point.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Lostandhurt just dropped some surgical wisdom on this whole thing.

    This guy sounds kind of like...well, a child. Tepid and skittish in bed with you, but loves referencing his Caligula youth? Blames his wife, now deflects to you? Yawn. This is straight out of Unevolved Male 101.

    At six months do you really want to be playing patient sex therapist to a guy who gets this sensitive and snappy over the most basic of stuff?

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