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Thread: Not sure what to do

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by delut
    boltnrun, you ask a good question. I honestly dont know because it hasnt happened yet. But I guess it will hurt me; although I might pretend to not be so. But then the question would also be, why offer this "option"? I suppose if you have loved someone, why put the person you had love through this? I actually dont understand how one of her previous was able to befriend her.
    Put them through what? Friendship?

    You don't have to take her - or any dumper - up on that offer. If you go along with it despite your own reservations, you'd be putting yourself through it. Many dumpers extend that olive branch without having a serious intention of remaining good buddies indefinitely.

    Whether or not her others exes are her friends now is irrelevant. Nobody's relationship dynamics are the same, and it follows that no two people experience a break-up the same - even if they dated the same person. Don't worry about how or why her previous boyfriend was able to stay friends. It has no relation to your current situation.

  2. #12
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    Well, if you two are "friends" she can reassure herself that you are "fine" with the breakup. Also, she gets to have you as company. And finally, I'm sure she doesn't hate you. She does care about you as a person.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I really dont know what to do. We still love each other but her lack of confidence in me to turn our relationship into a marriage is causing the breakup to happen.
    What exactly does ^^^ that mean? Do you have fear of commitment? You are currently married? You are in a long distance relationship? Why does she have a lack of confidence in you advancing the relationship?

    How are your characters "worlds apart?"

    I'd like clarification because it seems rather odd that you have broken up but love each other and she wants to keep you in her life. (which is a terrible idea because if you're not going to advance the relationship, give her what she wants then don't be cruel and keep her mired to you. She seems too vulnerable/weak to be able to completely sever so she can heal and find a man who wants what she wants.

  4. #14

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    What exactly does ^^^ that mean? Do you have fear of commitment? You are currently married? You are in a long distance relationship? Why does she have a lack of confidence in you advancing the relationship?

    How are your characters "worlds apart?"

    I'd like clarification because it seems rather odd that you have broken up but love each other and she wants to keep you in her life. (which is a terrible idea because if you're not going to advance the relationship, give her what she wants then don't be cruel and keep her mired to you. She seems too vulnerable/weak to be able to completely sever so she can heal and find a man who wants what she wants.
    I am not afraid to commit. She is. Neither of us are married and both of us and we at most 20 mins away from each other via public transport (yes, we live that close). She cited personality issues. She felt that our behaviours and hobbies are very different. I didnt think that it would matter THIS much. I mean, how many couples are fully aligned? There will be some form of dis-alignment, somewhere, somehow.

    The next advancement to our relationship will only be marriage. Quite honestly, she is very particular about a lot of things. I nearly accommodates to her all the time and dont quarrel with her over small things like wiping public tables before meals (we dine outside mostly), failure to iron t-shirts etc etc. She felt that my lack of initiatives on all these as well as me being too passive on outdoor activities is hindering our progress. I do think that it is possible that she creates moving goalpost if we do get married; not necessarily intentional, probably just her being her.

    I dont exactly want to be friendzone considering how much feelings I have for her. I dont think settling for friendzone is a good idea either. She does have a friend who broke up with her staying as her friend. I dont think it is out of his will but mostly because that guy is now married to her friend's wife; but I cannot really be sure since I never really talk to him. I still think it's either reconcile on the differences and move forward or that's it for the both of us; the latter will be a painful process and has taken a toll on emotions and appetite.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Thanks for clarifying, delut. So she broke up with you but wants to keep you around to help her get over you. IMO: Uhm, no. Don't let her use you to get over you. You sound like a good guy that deserves better than being demoted to just friend. A clean break will help that painful process be over and done with much quicker.

  7. #16

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Thanks for clarifying, delut. So she broke up with you but wants to keep you around to help her get over you. IMO: Uhm, no. Don't let her use you to get over you. You sound like a good guy that deserves better than being demoted to just friend. A clean break will help that painful process be over and done with much quicker.
    What do you mean by this? So far everyone who has replied suggested clean break, including yourself; I suppose that's the consensus. So, how would her extending friendship benefit her? I can understand the part on being less guilty and all that. But how does using me to get over me work?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I do suggest you make a clean break.

    When I say "don't let her use you to get over you" just means that if you remain with her as a friend, she will have the comfort of your attention and emotional connection and therefore you will make it easier for her to faze herself out of your life. In the meantime, you will find it harder to faze her out of yours (which is what you need to do so you can heal and move on to find someone more compatible.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by delut
    What do you mean by this? So far everyone who has replied suggested clean break, including yourself; I suppose that's the consensus. So, how would her extending friendship benefit her? I can understand the part on being less guilty and all that. But how does using me to get over me work?
    Because even though she wants to break up, she will still have a void in her life. She’s used to having something to do , as in hang out with you when she is not with friends or family. Someone to go to movies with or whatever you two usually do together.

    Having you as a “friend” still allows her to fill that void on her terms when she decides she is bored or lonely or needs someone to accompany her somewhere when no one else is available. But you will always be available because you still have feelings.

    A dumper also has to grieve , but her grief is different to yours.
    Both of you will grieve the loss of company etc , but you need to grieve your emotions whereas she is already past that stage.

    It’s selfish of her to use you in that manner and eventually when she no longer needs you to fill a void , you will be replaced by another. And only then will you truly start your grieving process.

    Don’t do it to yourself.

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