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Thread: when to leave the mommas boy

  1. #11
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Well, he can go see his parents and leave her out of it. Coming from an issue like this myself it s annoying as hell. We donít see my husbandís parents as much as we used to thank god because we live too far away . But my husband insists that when he sees his parents I see them too because itís insulting to his parents if I donít come and insulting to him . This is really the only argument my husband and I have in our marriage at this point . He insists his parents LOOOOOVE and want to see me. When really they donít give a ratís behind and neither do I. So annoying he chooses to live in this fantasy.

    Really Inlaw family should not be stuffed down each otherís throats.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Not seeing where she's forced to go, or that she can't send the kids (or at least the 8 year old) with him to lighten her load a bit. One day a week to incorporate grandparents into the family is far from terrible, and frankly a pretty dumbfounding choice of hills to die on when ultimately resulting in divorce. Far be it from me to tell someone they need to return from the edge if she's irreconcilably checked out, but I won't be the one telling her to jump absent any other context than dude going to his parents on Saturdays. If you want a divorce, see a lawyer. If you want to explore fixing your marriage, suggest marital counseling. You seem past the point of amateur advice forums either way, though.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    At the moment you have one household and the family is intact. Unless you can't stand one more day under the same roof, start preparing to enter the work world while married. What career can you be passionate about? If you need to go to college or take a course to receive a certificate, now is the time to pursue that. Put your focus onto that. Earning your own income is so important on so many levels, because circumstances could happen at any time where your husband's income could disappear, someone in the family could have major health issues and the extra income could come in handy, and of course if you divorce, you need your own money because child support isn't enough to live on.

    After the career goal is achieved, if the same issues are bothering you in the marriage, ask him to attend couples counseling with you. An impartial, third party professional might be able to give you two homework and skills to help you both achieve a more satisfying partnership.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I don't see why this is an issue. Family is important to me too and I could see if he wanted to see them during the week, but one day on the weekend? I think you're being too harsh.

    You'd have a legit complaint if it was a female co worker or he was out drinking with his men friends and being stupid and reckless.
    But he wants to see his parents on the weekend.

    You are lucky to have someone who has taken care of you for 14 years and is good to you and your children.
    There are many women out there who are hungry for a man like that.

    If you all have to complain about is one day on the weekend with family then I think you're complaining for the sake of complaining.

    And on top of it, you've not had to work in 13 years? Lucky you.

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  6. #15
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    I see you have been married 14 years and your oldest child is 14. Did you marry him because of the child? If you hadn't become pregnant would you still have married him?

  7. #16
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    I agree with Sherrysher and Jman - here's the deal. (I'm a mom of a 10 year old boy, I was home for 7.5 years, started looking for part time work a year and a half before I found the right job and fit for our schedules, been working about 24 hours/week for almost 3 years now) - I agree it's not ridiculous on his part. I agree also perhaps he can compromise so you don't need to be there every weekend. That is what my husband and I did when his parents were alive and we visited our hometown all summer, every summer, for 6 summers (when our child was an infant till age 6). Sometimes they came to us and I'd leave to have some me time and they were with my husband and their grandson who they adored. I loved my inlaws and desperately needed me time. So we compromised and my husband was very open to it.

    Look - what's happening here I bet is your husband is going to play the "I work to provide for the family, the kids are in school so your workload with them is a lot less and the 14 year old can be left alone, etc so if I want to see my parents and have you there I'd like for you to just suck it up for that one time a week". Now, if you got part time or full time work then you'd have a lot more leverage to say that you need that weekend time to catch up on housework/errands/me time.

    Getting back to work after that long of a gap is hard. It was hard for me also because I was in a new state and city where I'd never worked. So. When my son was around 3, I started focusing more on networking in my new city. By the time he was almost 6 and I was actively looking for work, I already had started networking. And I'd started doing volunteer work -not in my field but at a local public radio station - I also volunteered at the school but IMHO that kind of volunteer work isn't that valuable and doesn't look great on a resume. Once I started looking most of my interviews were through connections I had from my hometown and my new city. And I also was able to call people to ask for inside info on jobs I was looking at and to get specific interview tips/application tips from locals. Invaluable. Ironically I got my job from a random listserv I was on but the interview and application process went more smoothly because of my network.

    Definitely get a job. Not an MLM is my strong opinion. A job with benefits if full time (with part time I understand that is harder) and yes volunteering is a great way to get your toes wet. I would not put your SAHM stuff on a resume but I'd explain the gap in a cover letter "I've been focusing on family responsibilities". I didn't need more education but if you do, do it. ASAP. My friend actually works full time as a parelegal, three kids ages 2, 4 and 14 and she is halfway through with law school (but her husband is a SAHD).

    You will feel much better about yourself if you are out there working - yes, childcare is work but your workload is now less ,right? Good luck!!

  8. #17
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I also wanted to make 2 points on why this is probably so important to him:

    1.) If he doesn't do much else but work all week long and wants a bit of time out without getting into trouble, going to see family is a nice outing.

    2.) His parents aren't getting any younger and he's trying to appreciate as much time with them as he has left. (completely understandable at this age).

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I also wanted to make 2 points on why this is probably so important to him:

    1.) If he doesn't do much else but work all week long and wants a bit of time out without getting into trouble, going to see family is a nice outing.

    2.) His parents aren't getting any younger and he's trying to appreciate as much time with them as he has left. (completely understandable at this age).
    Yes, this and totally.

  10. #19
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    What does he do when the kids have an extracurricular activity on the weekend, or are they not allowed to participate on the weekeds?
    Honestly the ship has sailed on speaking up about this. This is something you should have discussed before marriage. was he at his folks every weekend when you were dating? Did you tell him to go without you and you and the baby needed to rest/recover? Now that your kid is 14, why if you have been going along for this long is it at a breaking point and it wasn't then? He won't change.

    So you change. you make plans and go do them and he can choose to participate or he can go to mom and dad's alone or with whatever kid wants to go. Maybe join them later on one of the days for dinner. or only spend part of the time for a start. Conversations do not work it seems - so just do.

    I would also get a part time job while the kids are at school. Lots of schools even look for parents to do lunch duty and they pay them for it, or recess monitor. that's a start.

  11. #20
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Thing is not all in-laws love each other. My in-laws made it known from the very first day I was not part of the family and they didnít appreciate me whatsoever . And overtime developed my no love lost for them. At first I was heartbroken and then I was just angry and Iíve remained that way .

    So not everybody is hunky-dory about in laws.

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