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Thread: I really just need advice from others :(

  1. #1
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    I really just need advice from others :(

    Okay so me and this guy have been seeing each other for about 3 months but we recently ended things and I just canít seem to let go and move on :(

    Everything between us was great and I really felt like the two of us had a good connection, we are literally the same person. He talked a lot about me meeting his friends, becoming a part of his life and finally putting a label on what we were. Throughout our time together he told me how much he liked me and that I was the first girl heíd liked since his ex (2 years ago). He generally gave me good vibes and I thought that we were progressing into a relationship slowly. This was the energy I was getting of him. He always said how he way constantly thinking about me and how he talked about he a lot to his friends. One of his friends even said how I was the girl he had fallen in love with (he didnít know I was there as this was over the phone).

    Skip forward to the present and heís said that he doesnít know what he wants right now ( Heís in the military and heís due to be deployed for 3 months, I think this has a lot to do with why this happened). He said that he wants me and cares for me but canít commit and feels heís doing the right thing by not continuing to see me even though itís going to hurt him and heís going to miss me. He also said that heíd probably regret doing this. He has issues (his ex cheated on him which ed him up for the longest time) again I feel like this is also a reason why heís come to this conclusion? I think he feels as though Iíd meet someone else whilst heís gone or forget about him. He mentioned also that things between us got really intense and he allowed himself to get carried away and he got scared, he worries that this might just be infatuation and that if this was meant to be heíd be sure by now.

    I honestly donít know how to feel about all this. Itís all so confusing and I donít know whether to believe what heís saying, it could all just be bull. I havenít spoken to him for about 2 weeks now and I honestly miss him a lot even though I feel like I should move on and be over it by now. Iím also feeling now that he lead me on?

    Part of me hopes heíll reach out or maybe we can rekindle things when heís back? I feel really stupid if Iím being honest :(

  2. #2
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Don't feel stupid. You're not stupid. Not at all. Never.

    Don't set your hopes up otherwise you'll set yourself up for more disappointment whenever people cannot and will not deliver. Be realistic. At least he gave you the courtesy to end it. He was honest with you, told you how he felt, thought he was impulsive regarding his past with you and then thought the better of it especially since he'll be deployed. Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. To the contrary, unfortunately, too much absence causes people to drift apart. He is being sensible and realistic.

    Also, he has baggage from his ex cheating on him. He's clearly not ready to delve into a relationship. You are trustworthy. However, he's simply not ready and he knows he won't see you for 3 whole months which is a very long time to be apart.

    You need to respect his wishes and give him what he wants. Obviously his heart is not into you because he has his own issues to deal with and he'll be consumed with his deployment overseas. He has a different life in the military. Both of you cannot relate.

    Yes, he led you on. However, he's ready to cut it off and it's time for you to give him what he wants since he doesn't want to continue a relationship with you. I'm sorry you're hurt over this. No one wants to be rejected but that's life. It happens to everyone at some point no matter who it is.

    Move on bravely and perhaps he did you a favor and this ending is a blessing in disguise. A better person is out there for you, non-military and someone who can give you a stable, normal, happy, sincere, honorable relationship. Look at the silver lining.

  3. #3
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    Thank you for your response, however I do slightly disagree with you.

    I know for a fact if he wasnít getting deployed weíd be together right now. I know heís being sensible and realistic but I think thatís whatís bothering me the most.

    How am I supposed to move on if Iím aware that there are feelings on both sides but it hasnít worked out because of him going away?

    I know it wouldnít make sense to initiate a relationship before going off for 3 months but it still hurts at the same time even though heís doing it for the right reasons (allegedly)

    I think more than anything I just miss him and wish we were still speaking.

  4. #4
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    He likes you but not enough to pursue you.
    Yes heís telling you now because he is due to be deployed, but it was coming regardless.
    You might have lasted another month or two maybe but itís better you found out now before investing anymore time.

    Thatís why we date , to see if there is potential for a relationship.
    He doesnít see potential and is respectfully choosing not to enter one with you.

    It really has nothing to do with his deployment and everything to do with his gut feeling.

    Sorry!

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by BillieBlues
    How am I supposed to move on if Iím aware that there are feelings on both sides but it hasnít worked out because of him going away?
    By reminding yourself this is likely not the only reason he's called it off. You don't know for a fact you'd still be together if he weren't leaving. You're speculating, and hoping, but only he could possibly know whether that is true or not. I have no doubt his upcoming deployment is indeed a significant factor but there are probably other reasons why he opted to not try to make it work.

    It stings a lot, I realize. But to still be on speaking terms wouldn't help you feel any better. Quite the opposite. You'd be holding out hope while watching him continue to maintain his distance from you. It would hurt more than you think.

    Don't feel stupid, though. You liked a guy and wanted to see things through. It's normal to feel hurt when it doesn't work out and the other party isn't on the same page after all.

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    Iím not speculating or hoping that weíd still be together if it wasnít for him leaving. I know because thatís what he told me.

    Itís not that he doesnít see potential for a relationship, if anything he made it clear multiple times that he does/did. We wouldnít have dated as long as we did if he didnít. Heís not the kind of guy to stick around unless he was genuinely interested and saw the potential of progressing into a relationship. He expressed that he was torn because he wanted to keep seeing me and spending time with me but he also didnít want to ďbe selfishĒ because he knew he had to go away soon and there is nothing he can do to change that. We talked about it a couple times and he was always emotional when we talked about not seeing each other (he cried when I last saw him in person and broke down during our last phone call)

    Iím not hurt because we arenít in a relationship. I never set out looking for one. I just miss spending time with him and talking to him.

    I honestly would have just preferred seeing him up until the time he left. I feel like I did this to myself too :( I initiated this conversation and made room for doubt. I wish I never did

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck

    It stings a lot, I realize. But to still be on speaking terms wouldn't help you feel any better. Quite the opposite. You'd be holding out hope while watching him continue to maintain his distance from you. It would hurt more than you think.

    Don't feel stupid, though. You liked a guy and wanted to see things through. It's normal to feel hurt when it doesn't work out and the other party isn't on the same page after all.

    I know a part of me is still going to hope regardless :(. We split on good terms, thereís no hate or resentment between us so Iím always going to think that we could give it another go as long as the time is right.

    I canít help feeling stupid though. I shouldnít care this much about someone iíve known for 3 months. This honestly hurts more than when I broke up with a guy I had dated for a year. I want to move on but I honestly donít know how to right now. Trying to distract myself isnít working because I think about him constantly. I canít help it

  9. #8
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    I'm sorry, I know this is not the answer you want to hear but I don't think he's truly in love with you. I know he told you all those things, but he could have just been trying to soften the blow and sugar coat it, you know? I know that he's going away for three months, but if he wanted to continue dating then you could have done long-distance and maybe visit each other occasionally. Then after three months you could continue dating in person. If he's not willing to continue and to wait for you then I don't think he necessarily sees a future with you. When people really want someone, they're not going to let that person go just like that!

    My best friend had only dated her husband for four months before he had to go on a five month trip around Asia that he had previously already booked and fully paid for. She did visit him in India for ten days but the rest of the time he was traveling on his own. Anyway, before he left they said they loved each other and they would wait for each other and make it work. He didn't break up with her or hook up with other women on his travels because he loved her. He returned and they continued the relationship. Been together ten years and now have two kids.

  10. #9
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    There is no way we could have made it a long distance relationship because he is in the military which means we would have no contact whilst he is away. We wouldnít be able to call or text because there is barely any WiFi out there and heíd be busy with what heís doing.

    Obviously the end was inevitable. I just wish we would have just left it up until he deployed

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by BillieBlues
    Obviously the end was inevitable. I just wish we would have just left it up until he deployed
    Sincere question, how would that have been better for you?

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