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I really just need advice from others :(


BillieBlues

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Okay so me and this guy have been seeing each other for about 3 months but we recently ended things and I just can’t seem to let go and move on :(

 

Everything between us was great and I really felt like the two of us had a good connection, we are literally the same person. He talked a lot about me meeting his friends, becoming a part of his life and finally putting a label on what we were. Throughout our time together he told me how much he liked me and that I was the first girl he’d liked since his ex (2 years ago). He generally gave me good vibes and I thought that we were progressing into a relationship slowly. This was the energy I was getting of him. He always said how he way constantly thinking about me and how he talked about he a lot to his friends. One of his friends even said how I was the girl he had fallen in love with (he didn’t know I was there as this was over the phone).

 

Skip forward to the present and he’s said that he doesn’t know what he wants right now ( He’s in the military and he’s due to be deployed for 3 months, I think this has a lot to do with why this happened). He said that he wants me and cares for me but can’t commit and feels he’s doing the right thing by not continuing to see me even though it’s going to hurt him and he’s going to miss me. He also said that he’d probably regret doing this. He has issues (his ex cheated on him which ed him up for the longest time) again I feel like this is also a reason why he’s come to this conclusion? I think he feels as though I’d meet someone else whilst he’s gone or forget about him. He mentioned also that things between us got really intense and he allowed himself to get carried away and he got scared, he worries that this might just be infatuation and that if this was meant to be he’d be sure by now.

 

I honestly don’t know how to feel about all this. It’s all so confusing and I don’t know whether to believe what he’s saying, it could all just be bull. I haven’t spoken to him for about 2 weeks now and I honestly miss him a lot even though I feel like I should move on and be over it by now. I’m also feeling now that he lead me on?

 

Part of me hopes he’ll reach out or maybe we can rekindle things when he’s back? I feel really stupid if I’m being honest :(

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Don't feel stupid. You're not stupid. Not at all. Never.

 

Don't set your hopes up otherwise you'll set yourself up for more disappointment whenever people cannot and will not deliver. Be realistic. At least he gave you the courtesy to end it. He was honest with you, told you how he felt, thought he was impulsive regarding his past with you and then thought the better of it especially since he'll be deployed. Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. To the contrary, unfortunately, too much absence causes people to drift apart. He is being sensible and realistic.

 

Also, he has baggage from his ex cheating on him. He's clearly not ready to delve into a relationship. You are trustworthy. However, he's simply not ready and he knows he won't see you for 3 whole months which is a very long time to be apart.

 

You need to respect his wishes and give him what he wants. Obviously his heart is not into you because he has his own issues to deal with and he'll be consumed with his deployment overseas. He has a different life in the military. Both of you cannot relate.

 

Yes, he led you on. However, he's ready to cut it off and it's time for you to give him what he wants since he doesn't want to continue a relationship with you. I'm sorry you're hurt over this. No one wants to be rejected but that's life. It happens to everyone at some point no matter who it is.

 

Move on bravely and perhaps he did you a favor and this ending is a blessing in disguise. A better person is out there for you, non-military and someone who can give you a stable, normal, happy, sincere, honorable relationship. Look at the silver lining.

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Thank you for your response, however I do slightly disagree with you.

 

I know for a fact if he wasn’t getting deployed we’d be together right now. I know he’s being sensible and realistic but I think that’s what’s bothering me the most.

 

How am I supposed to move on if I’m aware that there are feelings on both sides but it hasn’t worked out because of him going away?

 

I know it wouldn’t make sense to initiate a relationship before going off for 3 months but it still hurts at the same time even though he’s doing it for the right reasons (allegedly)

 

I think more than anything I just miss him and wish we were still speaking.

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He likes you but not enough to pursue you.

Yes he’s telling you now because he is due to be deployed, but it was coming regardless.

You might have lasted another month or two maybe but it’s better you found out now before investing anymore time.

 

That’s why we date , to see if there is potential for a relationship.

He doesn’t see potential and is respectfully choosing not to enter one with you.

 

It really has nothing to do with his deployment and everything to do with his gut feeling.

 

Sorry!

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How am I supposed to move on if I’m aware that there are feelings on both sides but it hasn’t worked out because of him going away?

 

By reminding yourself this is likely not the only reason he's called it off. You don't know for a fact you'd still be together if he weren't leaving. You're speculating, and hoping, but only he could possibly know whether that is true or not. I have no doubt his upcoming deployment is indeed a significant factor but there are probably other reasons why he opted to not try to make it work.

 

It stings a lot, I realize. But to still be on speaking terms wouldn't help you feel any better. Quite the opposite. You'd be holding out hope while watching him continue to maintain his distance from you. It would hurt more than you think.

 

Don't feel stupid, though. You liked a guy and wanted to see things through. It's normal to feel hurt when it doesn't work out and the other party isn't on the same page after all.

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I’m not speculating or hoping that we’d still be together if it wasn’t for him leaving. I know because that’s what he told me.

 

It’s not that he doesn’t see potential for a relationship, if anything he made it clear multiple times that he does/did. We wouldn’t have dated as long as we did if he didn’t. He’s not the kind of guy to stick around unless he was genuinely interested and saw the potential of progressing into a relationship. He expressed that he was torn because he wanted to keep seeing me and spending time with me but he also didn’t want to “be selfish” because he knew he had to go away soon and there is nothing he can do to change that. We talked about it a couple times and he was always emotional when we talked about not seeing each other (he cried when I last saw him in person and broke down during our last phone call)

 

I’m not hurt because we aren’t in a relationship. I never set out looking for one. I just miss spending time with him and talking to him.

 

I honestly would have just preferred seeing him up until the time he left. I feel like I did this to myself too :( I initiated this conversation and made room for doubt. I wish I never did

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It stings a lot, I realize. But to still be on speaking terms wouldn't help you feel any better. Quite the opposite. You'd be holding out hope while watching him continue to maintain his distance from you. It would hurt more than you think.

 

Don't feel stupid, though. You liked a guy and wanted to see things through. It's normal to feel hurt when it doesn't work out and the other party isn't on the same page after all.

 

 

I know a part of me is still going to hope regardless :(. We split on good terms, there’s no hate or resentment between us so I’m always going to think that we could give it another go as long as the time is right.

 

I can’t help feeling stupid though. I shouldn’t care this much about someone i’ve known for 3 months. This honestly hurts more than when I broke up with a guy I had dated for a year. I want to move on but I honestly don’t know how to right now. Trying to distract myself isn’t working because I think about him constantly. I can’t help it

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I'm sorry, I know this is not the answer you want to hear but I don't think he's truly in love with you. I know he told you all those things, but he could have just been trying to soften the blow and sugar coat it, you know? I know that he's going away for three months, but if he wanted to continue dating then you could have done long-distance and maybe visit each other occasionally. Then after three months you could continue dating in person. If he's not willing to continue and to wait for you then I don't think he necessarily sees a future with you. When people really want someone, they're not going to let that person go just like that!

 

My best friend had only dated her husband for four months before he had to go on a five month trip around Asia that he had previously already booked and fully paid for. She did visit him in India for ten days but the rest of the time he was traveling on his own. Anyway, before he left they said they loved each other and they would wait for each other and make it work. He didn't break up with her or hook up with other women on his travels because he loved her. He returned and they continued the relationship. Been together ten years and now have two kids.

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There is no way we could have made it a long distance relationship because he is in the military which means we would have no contact whilst he is away. We wouldn’t be able to call or text because there is barely any WiFi out there and he’d be busy with what he’s doing.

 

Obviously the end was inevitable. I just wish we would have just left it up until he deployed

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There is no way we could have made it a long distance relationship because he is in the military which means we would have no contact whilst he is away. We wouldn’t be able to call or text because there is barely any WiFi out there and he’d be busy with what he’s doing.

 

Obviously the end was inevitable. I just wish we would have just left it up until he deployed

 

Well still he could have called you at least sometimes, right? When there's a will, there's a way. YOU really like him so you are still hoping to see him again, so it is possible to still want to see someone in future even if you won't see them for three months. He could have waited to see you again when he comes back. I think the point is he doesn't WANT to keep seeing you in future. The military thing may just be an excuse.

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The thing I’m missing most is being able to spend time with him and being able to talk to him. I want to just take advantage of whatever time we had left together. I know it would still hurt having to say goodbye to him but at least i’d have made the most out of it.

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Well still he could have called you at least sometimes, right? When there's a will, there's a way. YOU really like him so you are still hoping to see him again, so it is possible to still want to see someone in future even if you won't see them for three months. He could have waited to see you again when he comes back. I think the point is he doesn't WANT to keep seeing you in future. The military thing may just be an excuse.

 

I’ve just realised I made a mistake it’s not 3 months it’s 4 months 😣

It wouldn’t work that way. Of course in an ideal world we’d be able to wait for each other and just continue when he got back but realistically 4 months is a long time to go without seeing someone or talking to them. He’s been hurt in the past whilst he’s been away and it’s understandable that he doesn’t want to risk it happening again. Obviously I’d want him to just take a chance but I at the same time can’t make any promises that i’d still feel the same way after all that time had passed.

 

I know ending it was the sensible thing to do. I just wish we didn’t have to. I don’t know if I’m making any sense?

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The thing I’m missing most is being able to spend time with him and being able to talk to him. I want to just take advantage of whatever time we had left together. I know it would still hurt having to say goodbye to him but at least i’d have made the most out of it.

 

No, you likely would have had an even more painful goodbye as you'd naturally have become more attached by then.

 

He knows he can't give you the relationship you want. Commitment isn't his priority right now, whether by circumstance or by choice. In the end, why he chose to pull the plug now isn't the most important issue. It's the very fact that he feels it's better to be on his own than in a relationship.

 

It's not pleasant, but there's really nothing you can do.

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He reached out recently and confirmed what I was thinking. He’d gotten a bit overwhelmed and needed some space, which I let him have.

 

He told me how he felt and now we’re back together :)

 

Do be cautious moving forward, OP. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but people who flip-flop that quickly tend not to be the most reliable partners in the long-run.

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Thank you for your warning Misscanuck I definitely feel like that is something I should be wary of but given the circumstances I think anyone in that position would have a moment of doubt.

 

If it does happen again however I know I would end it quickly as it would be clear that this is just part of his behaviour

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Thank you for your warning Misscanuck I definitely feel like that is something I should be wary of but given the circumstances I think anyone in that position would have a moment of doubt.

 

If it does happen again however I know I would end it quickly as it would be clear that this is just part of his behaviour

 

I suppose what would also concern me is that you already mentioned this will end when he deploys anyway. What's the plan of action now?

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I suppose what would also concern me is that you already mentioned this will end when he deploys anyway. What's the plan of action now?

 

That’s no longer the case anymore :) we’re going to try and make it work when he comes back. He wants to make it official then too XD

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