Local option: thoughts

Okay, so you guys have recently watch an online dating, long distance thing crash and burn. Thanks for the support and advice!

One of the main take aways (I do listen to you guys) was to find some one local.

I’m said plainly that “there isn’t anyone” but that isn’t fully accurate. I’ll explain and then feel free to advise.

For anyone that hasn’t been following along, my religious beliefs trump everything in my life. I’m seeking someone that has the same level of devotion. Keep that in mind.

There is the guy that attends my church. Spiritually speaking he is everything I'm looking for. He goes out of his way to help people, offers to pray for strangers (if they were receptive to it) and even goes on his own to visit his neighbors in the hospital.

He is a wonderful man spiritually. He is responsible, kind to others, generous and good with his finances. He has a good job and good family relationships.

What's the catch?

Well, I'm not overly attracted to him. I'm not repulsed, but I'd be neutral or less in that area. Our faith is very likely the only thing we have in common, it is a big part of what we both do but we would not have other crossover hobbies and interests.

He also does not share my sense of humor (this is true of other people's jokes as well). I find myself often saying, ‘It was a joke’ or some such thing. He is very literal.

He also doesn't have a good filter in terms of what is generally polite. He is in the medical profession, so he would have no qualms asking someone after prayer meeting who said they weren't feeling well, “have you pooped today?”...I'm embarrassed by stuff like that, tact and good manners is very important to me.

I feel torn, so many people will ask me why I'm not interested in him.

I'm often saying, “he's great but...”

He also knows all the same people I do, so if it crashed and burned it would likely be a little awkward.

In your opinion, how much should be based on attraction and compatibility and how much on 'solid and reliable'?

Based on the mine field I’ve currently walked through, should I give the ‘green light’ to someone local, based on my current feelings or lack of them?

In your opinion, how much should be based on attraction and compatibility and how much on 'solid and reliable'?

Former runaway bride here. Not a fan of “you’ll just know “ - some will some won’t and irrelevant to a happy marriage. Here’s what “formula “ worked for me. You have to be reasonably sure he is a good match and also excited when you think about marrying him. In short - do not settle. The man you described - I’d pass. You’re looking for a husband not a dog. Reliable and smart and steady is great but with out the za za zoom feeling forget it (and yes that can grow even with someone who’s just a friend - friendship caught on fire - happened to me at least once - but it sounds like you know enough about him and your feelings for him to know that he’s not likely to be the one. So don’t waste yours or his time.

As far as online dating - what you did wasn’t dating. It was chatting with someone from a dating site to see if you should meet and you decided not to. If you want to date online fine - have a chat buddy you flirt with and date online. If you want to use dating sites to find a husband as several of my friends have meet in person ASAP. In my humble opinion. Good luck ! It’s totally worth the wait. And I’m so tired of adulting and parenting as I write this. And I still feel that way.

Former runaway bride here. Not a fan of “you’ll just know “ - some will some won’t and irrelevant to a happy marriage. Here’s what “formula “ worked for me. You have to be reasonably sure he is a good match and also excited when you think about marrying him. In short - do not settle. The man you described - I’d pass. You’re looking for a husband not a dog. Reliable and smart and steady is great but with out the za za zoom feeling forget it (and yes that can grow even with someone who’s just a friend - friendship caught on fire - happened to me at least once - but it sounds like you know enough about him and your feelings for him to know that he’s not likely to be the one. So don’t waste yours or his time.

As far as online dating - what you did wasn’t dating. It was chatting with someone from a dating site to see if you should meet and you decided not to. If you want to date online fine - have a chat buddy you flirt with and date online. If you want to use dating sites to find a husband as several of my friends have meet in person ASAP. In my humble opinion. Good luck ! It’s totally worth the wait. And I’m so tired of adulting and parenting as I write this. And I still feel that way.

Thanks, I just use the ‘online dating’ as a general description to avoid boring explanation. It isn’t a relationship status in my mind but a explanation of venue. Terminology!

I've based 100% on being attracted to a compatible mate who is solid and reliable. No need to just accept one or the other for yourself, luv.

Thanks for your input

Thanks for your input

Have you tried "Christian Mingle" as a dating site, FirstDates? (assuming you are a Christian, of course ;))

I understand and you seem to have the mindset that you tried online dating and if didn’t go well. I was responding to that implication not terminology. I wouldn’t give up on dating sites as one of many alternatives.

 

 

There is the guy that attends my church. Spiritually speaking he is everything I'm looking for. He goes out of his way to help people, offers to pray for strangers (if they were receptive to it) and even goes on his own to visit his neighbors in the hospital.

 

He is a wonderful man spiritually. He is responsible, kind to others, generous and good with his finances. He has a good job and good family relationships.

 

What's the catch?

Well, I'm not overly attracted to him. I'm not repulsed, but I'd be neutral or less in that area. Our faith is very likely the only thing we have in common, it is a big part of what we both do but we would not have other crossover hobbies and interests.

He also does not share my sense of humor (this is true of other people's jokes as well). I find myself often saying, ‘It was a joke’ or some such thing. He is very literal.

 

He also doesn't have a good filter in terms of what is generally polite. He is in the medical profession, so he would have no qualms asking someone after prayer meeting who said they weren't feeling well, “have you pooped today?”...I'm embarrassed by stuff like that, tact and good manners is very important to me.

 

I feel torn, so many people will ask me why I'm not interested in him.

I'm often saying, “he's great but...”

 

He also knows all the same people I do, so if it crashed and burned it would likely be a little awkward.

 

In your opinion, how much should be based on attraction and compatibility and how much on 'solid and reliable'?

 

Based on the mine field I’ve currently walked through, should I give the ‘green light’ to someone local, based on my current feelings or lack of them?

LD, I mentioned this on one of your previous threads, so did figureitout, and bluecastle alluded to it.

You're clearly not making the connection, but the reason you are not attracted to him, or other local men, is precisely because he's local. And available and for some reason, this scares you.

Too close for comfort, literally.

If this same guy were 6000 miles away in a different country, and giving you attention, I can almost guarantee you would be intrigued and interested just like you were with Mr. Overseas.

As figureitout said, and blue alluded to as well, you have commitment fears, which makes dating local men scary as hell for you, too close, too threatening, not exciting enough, not intriguiing enough, too "meh."

I mean not to bring up Mr. Overseas as that is not what this thread is about, but a woman without such commitment fears/anxieties and who was actually seeking commitment would never have even considered a man who lived thousands of miles away in a different country let alone struck up a communique with him.

When she received his message and upon learning he lived thousands of miles away, she would have taken a pass, without a second thought.

I admit when I engaged in my long distance on line interaction a few years back, I was just six months out of a painful breakup and not looking for commitmrnt, and Mr. Long Distance was safe.

Which, based on everything you have written in all your threads, is the appeal for you too. Perhaps on a subconscious level, but these long distance guys are safe and therefore very appealing.

Local guys not so much. Again, too close for comfort.

I really think it would wise to introspect, and at least consider this, and if there's something to it, ultimately take steps to resolve..

Always listen to your gut instincts and intuition because they're ALWAYS right on the mark. If someone doesn't ring true to you, if there are red flags or alarming behaviors, if a person habitually says something inappropriate without a moral compass, these are all incurable defects, personality and character flaws which will never go away. It is here to stay permanently. You can't change people. A leopard cannot change its spots. They are who they are.

At my former church, I knew a lot of good people. It's great that all of you share the same faith. I loved that part, too. However, we're all human. Whether at church or not, you will forever encounter those who have blips in their personality and characters. Some people either hide it well, they're charming or there's another side to them which is quite unsavory. When you catch red flag type flaws here and there, you need to heed them because this is what you have to hear and deal with throughout the relationship, friendships or marriage.

I think you should just focus on your shared faith with this man and nothing more. Even though he shares the same faith with you, he doesn't follow the faith's teachings which includes self-control with speaking and writing. Keep in mind, it's not only a matter of self-control either. Whatever he says or writes is a reflection of his mind and heart. No amount of self-control can control how he speaks and writes. It just blurts out. Obviously, he's not following moral teachings from the church (Bible?) and sermons. His faith is there but he's not practicing common courtesy and respectful behavior which is taught at church, Bible study groups and the like. Be with a man who knows how to behave with impeccable manners because keep in mind, this is how he will treat you. Pay attention to how he treats others as well. Observe, observe, observe. If he doesn't qualify according to high quality standards, he's a dud. A reject. Be with a gracious, conscientious man. Being with a man of high caliber produces the most successful, enduring relationships and marriages. All the rest are rejects.

He's not a catch. I knew a great guy whom I observed in my life years ago. He graduated with advanced degrees from MIT, he was charming, sociable, earned a very high income, tall, good-looking but guess what? He was a 'Class A' JERK. He was a Christian man, had the best education, a very high paying job, tall and good-looking. So what? He's impossible to live with and would've given me a lifetime of misery and pure living hell which he did to another woman! His wife is paying the price for her folly and poor choice in a husband. She was mesmerized by his charm, education and $$$$$$$$$$$$. He's making her life a pure living hell nowadays. Marrying him would be akin to marrying a monster.

The moral of my story is never be blindsided nor naive by what you want to see. Pay attention to personality and character flaws which sully a man's image and reputation. Look beneath their veneer. Look for substance and conscientious, gracious, sincere behavior because this is what you have to live with for many years. A very decent human being is the type of man who will give you everlasting happiness. All the rest of the men are undesirable garbage. Be very picky and choosy because you'll thank your lucky stars later. Like my Mama said, "You better shop around." Be with a man who behaves graciously always. That's what a true gentleman is.

Batya: No, just that local could be people I already cross paths with. The online venue isn’t exactly riddled with a ton of options.

This guy doesnt sound like the one for you. You need more than just religion in common. Solid and stable is good, but you need someone who makes you light up when you see him. Keep looking.

You don't sound interested in this man at all, so no, don't date him.

Maybe dip your feet into dating by setting up a bunch of meets. It's a great way to get an idea of what is actually out there.

Any reputable online site will do. You can screen out based on religion, same as they can with you.

Even if you did date him there's a strong likelihood the break up might be as literal and dry as every other conversation with him and it won't be as big of a deal as you seem to think. He doesn't seem as easily overworked or sensitive perhaps as you might be. Frankly, this man doesn't seem like a bad choice as you might even each other out but it seems like you don't share any physical chemistry and that's important in my books. There has to be some romance and physical attraction there.

I like the idea of dating locally and using the app. They're called 'settings'. You can adjust the 'within X km' in most apps. I wasn't clear whether you've already tried this, don't like it or what the situation might be - maybe you can elaborate a bit if you feel comfortable.

Batya: No, just that local could be people I already cross paths with. The online venue isn’t exactly riddled with a ton of options.

Yes they could be and I disagree -of course it has a ton of options -it depends what kind of effort you're willing to put into it and what your mindset is and what your actions are. I agree with Katrina that your actions are consistent with someone who doesn't want commitment despite saying you do. Several of my friends including religious friends met their spouses and lifelong partners on on line sites. I met over 100 men in person including many really good guys. Even my now husband was online and we didn't meet that way (and we couldn't have, turns out, but that's another story!). I think online sites used appropriately are one of many resources to meet a marriageable guy.

Well, I'm not overly attracted to him.

- you need to find someone you are attracted to, it won't be a good relationship without love.

“have you pooped today?”...I'm embarrassed by stuff like that, tact and good manners is very important to me.

- it's hard to find a gentleman, but that's what most mature women want.

The guy is part of the church, does the activities that he does, and helps people, etc., because... that's who he is. These things aren't a show to impress you or win your attraction or be debated. He hasn't proposed to you, is not dating you, there is nothing. You don't even know if he would like you for any period of time. You're not attracted. Great. Move on. Sometimes I think people like to create these false scenarios of having to decide about a stranger just for the feeling of the potential of being in a relationship. It's nice to have the fantasy of having to decide rather than the common reality that the other person actually has little to no interest