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Thread: Do I seem desperate? I donít get that impression

  1. #1

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    Do I seem desperate? I donít get that impression

    Yesterday my ex was coming over to hang out with our son heís on supervised visits. He came kind of late after I was like why make it seem like youíre coming allday and not show up ?

    Anyways I found out he needed a place to stay because the guy hes staying with canít give him a place anymore. I was a little mad because like damn at least give me a heads up. He also just got out of a relationship with his rebound that he left me for. When he left this morning I felt so disappointed in myself because he implies and tells his friends things like Iím the one still trying to be back with him. I actually feel really bad for him heís down and out, looks like he could use a friend. If I have a place Iíll let him stay for a little bit he only associates with me when heís doing really bad otherwise when I was struggling he was no where to be found. He talks to me about the girl he left me for the whole time. Itís like why am I putting myself through this ?

    He kept making sexual advances at me but I wasnít really having it like it was too awkward And I know he felt the same way so we didnít do anything. The whole time I was talking to him last night it was like I didnít even exist or like I was just talking to myself. It was embarrassing I felt like I was being desperate for him and really Iíve been just fine since heís been gone with the new girlfriend.

    How do I survive this ? We share a child, he hurt us so bad left me to figure out things on my own. I lost my place and everything because of him but for some reason it hurts my heart to see him suffering real friends are supposed to have each others back but he uses me and makes it seem like Iím thirsty for his company. I end up feeling like crap afterwards because I know my intentions are good but he takes it another way.

    How do I stop caring about whether hes going through or not ?

  2. #2
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    Hey,

    I donít know your back story but I cannot help but feel like you deserve better.

    If I were in your shoes my city has drop in centers etc. it would not be that he would have to sleep on the streets but I would not convince myself that I was his only option. He wouldnít be sleeping on my couch either but thatís just my personality. People who hurt me donít get space in my life, beyond visiting our kid he wouldnít be welcome to my time.

    Best of wishes, sounds like a hard situation. See if you can connect with some support networks in your city for single moms. That might put you in contact with people that have been through or are going through the same things.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Junkieee
    The whole time I was talking to him last night it was like I didnít even exist or like I was just talking to myself. It was embarrassing I felt like I was being desperate for him and really Iíve been just fine since heís been gone with the new girlfriend.
    That's a really interesting insight and I can see where you're coming from. Everything he does is disrespectful to you, but you allow it. It makes sense that you feel desperate because your lack of boundaries fits the description of someone who will do anything just to feel accepted. But obviously, the trade off is your self respect.

    Originally Posted by Junkieee
    How do I survive this ? We share a child, he hurt us so bad left me to figure out things on my own. I lost my place and everything because of him but for some reason it hurts my heart to see him suffering real friends are supposed to have each others back but he uses me and makes it seem like Iím thirsty for his company. I end up feeling like crap afterwards because I know my intentions are good but he takes it another way.

    How do I stop caring about whether hes going through or not ?
    You were betrayed and you are now in a period of grief and mourning and your feelings are going to be all over the place for a while. There is no shortcut to dealing with those feelings. However, you can take steps to avoid something like that happening again. If you're uncomfortable saying "no" to him at this time, get clever. Figure out a way to make it impossible for him to stay over with you. Leave the house if you have to. Go stay at a friend's or your parents' house. Take yourself out of that situation as much as possible.

  4. #4
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    How do you stop caring for a loser who cheated on you and continues to treat you like sh*t? Stop enabling him. Is this parasite working? You also should not be listening to his romance problems, most especially, as this is the woman he left you for.

    Time to gain back you self esteem: stop being a doormat and enabling. You have no one to blame but yourself if you continue with this.

    Is he paying support?

    You are showing a very poor example to your child by allowing all of this! Do not allow him to stay with you! He is not your friend, and he never was. You need to wake up!

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    That's a really interesting insight and I can see where you're coming from. Everything he does is disrespectful to you, but you allow it. It makes sense that you feel desperate because your lack of boundaries fits the description of someone who will do anything just to feel accepted. But obviously, the trade off is your self respect.



    You were betrayed and you are now in a period of grief and mourning and your feelings are going to be all over the place for a while. There is no shortcut to dealing with those feelings. However, you can take steps to avoid something like that happening again. If you're uncomfortable saying "no" to him at this time, get clever. Figure out a way to make it impossible for him to stay over with you. Leave the house if you have to. Go stay at a friend's or your parents' house. Take yourself out of that situation as much as possible.
    Are you speaking of the supervised visitation?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 05-18-2019 at 02:01 PM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    he only associates with me when heís doing really bad otherwise when I was struggling he was no where to be found. He talks to me about the girl he left me for the whole time. Itís like why am I putting myself through this ?
    You know as long as you keep enabling him, you don't give him the chance to grow. Please stop being afraid to say no to him. Hone your boundaries and stop giving him an out when he effs up.

    You are caretaking him which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiving.
    Here is a link that explains the difference...

    [Register to see the link]

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Are you speaking of the supervised visitation?
    Yes. She does not have to be the supervisor (and I would be surprised if she was, actually).

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're too involved with his personal life. keep everything about your son and only about your son. Supervised visits? What is the reason for that? Meet in a neutral place such as a library, your or his family/parents home. Not your home.

    He has not changed, he doesn't need your pity or help. That's his problem now. That's the magic of breaking up ...heand his problems are no longer your problem.
    Originally Posted by Junkieee
    Yesterday my ex was coming over to hang out with our son heís on supervised visits. He talks to me about the girl he left me for the whole time.

  10. #9
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    I could not help but notice that this guy sounds like the fictional character, Stanley Zbornack from The Golden Girls.
    He's older, but he left the main character,Dorothy, to be with another woman, but whenever this man is experiencing a hardship of any kind, he goes back to the arms of the Dorothy whether for her to help him cope, reconciliation, or companionship.
    She always accepts him with open arms albeit with constant witty insults and jabs towards his lack of moral character.
    You need to stop allowing this man into your life.
    Does he not feel any shame that he walked out on you and your young child?
    And how insulting is it of him to think he can waltz into your life only when he's down & out.
    I feel bad for your child because she deserves a father who should be a more consistent and stable presence in her life.
    And you also deserve better.
    You're not his mama, let the family deal with that sponge.


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