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Thread: Not attracted to my bf

  1. #1

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    Not attracted to my bf

    I've been going out with this guy for over 3 years: we're super compatible on an emotional level and he's been there for me through some difficult things, but I am just not physically attracted to him. I find myself wondering whether to call things off with him but I am scared of the consequences: how he will cope, and also how I will cope after such an intense relationship? Our families are also super invested in the relationship (he's perfect on paper) so that makes it hard too. He's my first serious bf so I have no experience dealing with this sort of stuff- any help would be really appreciated :)

    Bit of background: 3 years ago he asked me out, we went on a few dates but then I realised that I wasn't attracted to him. I tried to call things off but he made me feel awful about it and persuaded me to "give it a go". 3 years on and I've definitely found a best friend who has supported me through uni but I still wonder whether I am missing out (classic grass is always greener...) in what is supposedly the "prime" of my life (I'm 22). He has often talked about "when we have kids" etc and I just wonder whether I would prefer to live life first (ie not settle down with the first guy I meet) but I don't know if that's just dumb.

    I will be moving abroad in September for a year (I've done it before and we did long-distance) and his family have offered me an apartment to rent from them. This makes things even more difficult because they are saying it would really help them out to have a tenant they know and trust.

    Any time I think about breaking up with him I feel like I couldn't go through with it. He's often said that he isn't "good enough" for me (untrue) and that he loves me for staying with him, and I know that I would struggle a lot mentally because we spend a lot of time together.

    There we are- any thoughts would be very much appreciated! Thank you!
    Last edited by oli123; 05-18-2019 at 12:51 PM.

  2. #2
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    You need to end this. In the long run, it is not fair to you, or him.

    He needs someone who wants all of him! Stop playing the martyr.

    He will survive. You should also see this as a good opportunity to expand your life with activities and friends. Never make your life about one person.

  3. #3
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    First off, after only a few dates (or ever really) when a man "makes you feel awful" (guilty?) when you attempt to break it off -- don't move closer, run!

    And don't feel guilty about it either, you're under no obligation to try and make it work with a man you're not attracted to.

    Second, this is not a "classic grass is greener" scenario, the grass was never green with this guy.

    You are only 22, you have your entire life ahead of you to settle for a guy to whom you are not attracted and not the right fit for you in a romantic relationship, for obvious reasons..

    Break it off, he'll be fine
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-18-2019 at 01:17 PM.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You need to end this. In the long run, it is not fair to you, or him.
    This is really what it boils down to.

    Which I think you already know and have known...well, since you "tried" to call it off before it even took off. No judgement. Most of us have gotten into a relationship or six that didn't quite make sense, one we rationalized for one reason of another (typically great sex, fear of being alone, or a misguided idea of what is "right") instead of listening to our full spirit. They teach us things—namely what we want and need and who we really are, priming us for better, richer connections down the line.

    But to enjoy those you have to be brave and honest enough to make room for them—to close one chapter so another can begin.

    Remember this: There is no such thing as a "prime" in life. That's a myth created by people who are corrosively nostalgic for more innocent days because they've made choices they regret and feel beaten down by them. No, life is as "prime" as you decide to make it. It's a collection of choices that doesn't end at 22 or 32 or 52, but never stops—until, of course, it does.

    Right now you're choosing to be guided by fear and guilt and some notion that being in a relationship is what you're "supposed" to do. And you've now learned what making those choices feels like—not great, not honest, stifling and claustrophobic.

    Want more of that? Keep doing what you're doing and feel the noose get tighter, the "prime" further and further away from being real. Want something different—fun, freedom, hot sex fueled by a deep emotional connection? Well, you need to start making new choices.

    He'll be fine if you end things. You'll be fine. Not just fine, but the thing you both want and deserve, which is more than fine.

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  6. #5
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    It is far past time to kindly but firmly end this relationship.

    You don't want to be with him as a romantic partner, and it sounds like you never really did. I don't believe you had a malicious intention in staying, but you let your guilt lead instead of a true desire to be with him. This isn't the basis for something very long-term, as you're now discovering. He knows this, too, or he wouldn't make be doing this: "He's often said that he isn't "good enough" for me (untrue) and that he loves me for staying with him."

    He will eventually be okay even though he will be hurt. Sooner or later, however, you will both be happier when you meet people who are into you as much as you are into them - and vice versa.

  7. #6
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    Well, you know the saying "Better late than never?" I actually really don't think you should have spent 3 + years dating someone you weren't attracted to right from the start. That's just not fair because people deserve to be with someone who IS attracted to them, especially as it sounds like he's a really nice guy. I would seriously not hold off any longer and end it ASAP. Don't let your boyfriend guilt you into staying with him, this is how you feel and you need to stay by that. And yeah I agree with you, you don't have to settle down at only 22, you are still very young. Get out there and have fun! Plenty more fish in the sea. Your boyfriend will nature be very upset, but he will move on, trust me. It takes time but he will definitely find someone else.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop living your life for everyone else. You are ultimately responsible for how it turns out, what you do with it and if you are happy.

  9. #8
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    I can't imagine dating someone I wasn't attracted to, but it doesn't work and you should end things. Marriage should be passion driven too, and that's not gonna happen with this guy.


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