How to have closer friendships

So from the outside I look like I have lots of close friends. I'm 31 and am in a wonderful relationship and my boyfriend is my best friend. I occasionally like to throw parties, invite people to do escape rooms and almost always accept invites to events. I do a lot for my friends as well. Last year I planned a friend's bachelorette party, threw a friend a surprise party, offered to help with another friend's 30th, plan outings with friends and so on. People generally open up to me and I keep whatever they say as private. But I'm known as the party planner in my circle and I feel like nobody knows me, not really. I do have a couple of friends who know the real me but they are living on other continents and I'd really like to have people to be close with that are local that I can spent time with in person.

About a year ago I started noticing that many of my friends never wanted to hang out one on one. I'd say let's catch up with some friends but they'd always have excuses or invite other people along which makes it harder for me to connect with people. It seems like we mostly just hang out in a group setting. I do know I generally am not vulnerable right away. It takes a little bit of time for me to open up and share my struggles but I have tried catching up one on one with people but it usually turns into a girl's night or excuses about being busy and just not having the time. I've tried messaging people and saying hey are you free next week but it's always met with some excuse, and I don't really want to chase someone to hang out with me one on one.

I've recently started jiu jitsu and a new job, so I'm hoping to meet new people through this somehow. Any other tips? I seem to not have any problem meeting people and making superficial friendships, but I'm not sure how to turn this into a close friendship or how to have more one on one catch ups, or do I just need to start fresh and meet new people who I might click with better? Any advice or tips?

Is there something about you that could make someone not want to hang out with you one on one? For example, you say it takes a while for you to open up. Does that mean you comes across as quiet or somewhat distant to someone (who's not a really close friend of yours) even if you're not trying to be?

Close friendships can’t be forced. They develop naturally.

Stop overthinking and enjoy the girls nights out.

Perhaps you are a shy extrovert ?

And prefer one on one meets, but don’t expect another to be. Perhaps it suits their personality type to be in a group setting.

I'm definitely not quiet and am a social butterfly and love to have conversation with people so I doubt I come across as quiet. But yeah I'd say I don't have deep conversations right off the bat. Mostly superficial but down to earth conversations, but if I hang out with someone one on one, I open up more. I've heard from several people over the years that I seem like I don't open up and become vulnerable easily to people but do once I trust them more.

Yes - I agree close friendships can't be forced but I've known these women for 5 years and really crave just wanting to meet up with someone for brunch, catch up with over dinner, go on a hike over the weekend or catch a movie with a friend and have a conversation where we get to know each other more. I don't even care if the one on one's are regular but I haven't caught up with any of my friends one on one in what seems like over a year.

Girl's nights are fun but I don't want to feel like a party planner or someone you have superficial conversations over drinks in a group setting. That's why I''m wondering if it means my current friendships are only going to be good in group settings and maybe I just need to meet more people and see if it clicks with someone else?

I completely understand this, as I find myself much in the same boat, although I'm much older than you. From the outside, it appears I have tons of friends, but like you, it's largely groups that I get invited to: girls trips, large groups of women going out for dinner, etc.

Like you, I always enjoy getting to know women more closely, but the one-on-one's are odd, as so many go ahead and invite others along. It's really disconcerting!

What I've learned is, the ones who invite others along (usually without even telling you), are just that way. You'll plan an evening with them, and 3 of their other friends show up. Or they're texting others while they're with you, seeing who's out & about, inviting them to join you, while you're sitting right there. So what I've learned is, just accept that that's the way these particular women are.

They do this to everybody, not just you. They either don't feel comfortable with anybody one-on-one, or they thrive on "center of attention-itis".

My advice is: Don't feel the need to plan everything. Sit back and let others plan things, and you go along. When you are the planner, you subconsciously worry if people are going to show up, have a good time, like each other. When you are invited, the pressure is off, and you can end up having deeper sidebar conversations with people.

The other advice is, start asking people more about themselves. Not deep-dive "What was your childhood like", lol, but more about their family, where they're from, their siblings, etc. People's favorite topic is themselves; if you ask, they will tell you. When they start talking, they feel more vulnerable, and you can share, and you can see if this will be reciprocal, or as in many cases, one-sided, where they just want to keep talking. From there, people will want to do more stuff with you, one-on-one, for brunch, drinks, etc.

...But yeah I'd say I don't have deep conversations right off the bat...

Don't worry, most people don't.

.. maybe I just need to meet more people and see if it clicks with someone else?

Perhaps. There's a regular here, Katrina1980? She might have some great advice for you.

I never suggested you were quiet?

I said a shy extrovert.

People assume introverts are shy and extroverts are not.

Personally I prefer a group interaction and often invite more to join a plan that initially is just me and one other. The more the merrier!

I completely understand this, as I find myself much in the same boat, although I'm much older than you. From the outside, it appears I have tons of friends, but like you, it's largely groups that I get invited to: girls trips, large groups of women going out for dinner, etc.

 

Like you, I always enjoy getting to know women more closely, but the one-on-one's are odd, as so many go ahead and invite others along. It's really disconcerting!

 

What I've learned is, the ones who invite others along (usually without even telling you), are just that way. You'll plan an evening with them, and 3 of their other friends show up. Or they're texting others while they're with you, seeing who's out & about, inviting them to join you, while you're sitting right there. So what I've learned is, just accept that that's the way these particular women are.

 

They do this to everybody, not just you. They either don't feel comfortable with anybody one-on-one, or they thrive on "center of attention-itis".

 

My advice is: Don't feel the need to plan everything. Sit back and let others plan things, and you go along. When you are the planner, you subconsciously worry if people are going to show up, have a good time, like each other. When you are invited, the pressure is off, and you can end up having deeper sidebar conversations with people.

 

The other advice is, start asking people more about themselves. Not deep-dive "What was your childhood like", lol, but more about their family, where they're from, their siblings, etc. People's favorite topic is themselves; if you ask, they will tell you. When they start talking, they feel more vulnerable, and you can share, and you can see if this will be reciprocal, or as in many cases, one-sided, where they just want to keep talking. From there, people will want to do more stuff with you, one-on-one, for brunch, drinks, etc.

I find your response very interesting!

I responded at the same time without having seeing your post.

You sort of infer that people that invite others along like to be centre of attention.

In my post I said I do like to invite others along. But it’s definitely not about being centre of attention.

I would be described as an extrovert by others but I am shy in certain situations and moreso in a more intimate setting over a group one.

But I have never considered that by inviting others might be disconcerting!?

And absolutely if someone said to me let’s do x and would love to hang out just the 2 of us then yes I would be very ok with that! And actually be a little bit flattered!

So perhaps op, you should suggest that to whomever you would like to hang out with?

And absolutely if someone said to me let’s do x and would love to hang out just the 2 of us then yes I would be very ok with that! And actually be a little bit flattered!

 

So perhaps op, you should suggest that to whomever you would like to hang out with?

You should be flattered! That means that someone wants to get to know more of you, the real you, as opposed to social, group you.

And it's a good point, to simply ask the person to hang out, just the 2 of us. OP, is that something you'd be comfortable with?

I think the one on one thing happens when you connect instantly, get along like gangbusters, become thick as thieves quickly. It's kinda like dating....You just haven't met that person yet.

So from the outside I look like I have lots of close friends. I'm 31 and am in a wonderful relationship and my boyfriend is my best friend. I occasionally like to throw parties, invite people to do escape rooms and almost always accept invites to events. I do a lot for my friends as well. Last year I planned a friend's bachelorette party, threw a friend a surprise party, offered to help with another friend's 30th, plan outings with friends and so on. People generally open up to me and I keep whatever they say as private. But I'm known as the party planner in my circle and I feel like nobody knows me, not really. I do have a couple of friends who know the real me but they are living on other continents and I'd really like to have people to be close with that are local that I can spent time with in person.

 

About a year ago I started noticing that many of my friends never wanted to hang out one on one. I'd say let's catch up with some friends but they'd always have excuses or invite other people along which makes it harder for me to connect with people. It seems like we mostly just hang out in a group setting. I do know I generally am not vulnerable right away. It takes a little bit of time for me to open up and share my struggles but I have tried catching up one on one with people but it usually turns into a girl's night or excuses about being busy and just not having the time. I've tried messaging people and saying hey are you free next week but it's always met with some excuse, and I don't really want to chase someone to hang out with me one on one.

 

I've recently started jiu jitsu and a new job, so I'm hoping to meet new people through this somehow. Any other tips? I seem to not have any problem meeting people and making superficial friendships, but I'm not sure how to turn this into a close friendship or how to have more one on one catch ups, or do I just need to start fresh and meet new people who I might click with better? Any advice or tips?

Have you tried volunteering? I have made many great friends, plus you get time to interact with one another.

Have you tried volunteering? I have made many great friends, plus you get time to interact with one another.

I was going to say this and say what LHGirl said. I had a friend with a rags to riches story -who organized monthly women's networking/support groups in her home. I also got to know her one on one and what I found was - probably unlike you - she said she was into it but it was rare that she followed through. Are you sure you're following through -mentioning a specific day and time to meet, being open to rescheduling or changing the time/place if you can?

I cannot stand when people think it's ok to just invite others along without asking. I am very into group and one on one dynamics and it's a totally different experience if there is even one other person there.

And I will echo what LHGirl wrote -step out of that party planner role for awhile and see what happens.

Bille28 - very interesting perspective. I never considered someone to be shy to hang out one on one but that probably describes one of the people I have tried catching up with one on one. I'll definitely keep that in mine in the future.

You should be flattered! That means that someone wants to get to know more of you, the real you, as opposed to social, group you.

 

And it's a good point, to simply ask the person to hang out, just the 2 of us. OP, is that something you'd be comfortable with?

Thanks so much for all your posts! Glad you can understand this completely. Yes - I've never really specified hanging out just the 2 of us so I'll give that a shot and see how that goes.

You all are the best! Really appreciate the lovely advice :)

I was going to say this and say what LHGirl said. I had a friend with a rags to riches story -who organized monthly women's networking/support groups in her home. I also got to know her one on one and what I found was - probably unlike you - she said she was into it but it was rare that she followed through. Are you sure you're following through -mentioning a specific day and time to meet, being open to rescheduling or changing the time/place if you can?

 

I cannot stand when people think it's ok to just invite others along without asking. I am very into group and one on one dynamics and it's a totally different experience if there is even one other person there.

 

And I will echo what LHGirl wrote -step out of that party planner role for awhile and see what happens.

Yes definitely open to rescheduling! I must say that 5 years ago or so I wasn't always the best at saying yes to things or being flexible, but when I relocated to another country I really learned what it means to put yourself out there, make an effort to maintain a friendship, so I think I got that part down. I do generally keep the ball in their court a bit. Like saying something like "Hey I'd love to catch up. It''s been ages. When are you free? I'm usually free after work/weekends. What suits you?" and mostly leave it in their court to choose a day/time

I'm definitely trying to step out of the party planner role. I'm an extrovert and am happiest being around people so this is hard but you're right, I''ll give it a shot. Plus over the next couple of months I have some other things planned that involve my significant other's friends and hobbies so it might not be too bad.

Any tips for volunteer work on meeting new people that don't usually conflict with work schedule (Mon-Friday 9-5)? I do volunteer in a writing program for high school students but it's tough doing that since it's mostly during work hours.

So for about seven years I volunteered weekday evenings - once a week - reading to children who lived in a homeless shelter. And from what I understand most volunteer work involving community theater - backstage work - is evenings and weekends. Good for you being more flexible !

I'm sorry you're going through this, lovewhales. I too have friends but I only have a few close people in my life. There's my mother, sister (when she was happy), my cousin (when she was happy - both women married jerks so it's hard to be close to miserable women).

My BFF is a friend whom I've known ever since we were 9 years old. Fortunately, we remained local unlike my other friends who've since moved faraway. She was my maid-of-honor, we both have same age sons and we're tight. Occasionally, we go out as a foursome with husbands in tow, they get alone great but mostly it's just my BFF and I who meet for lunch and long outings several times a month. I have another close friend whom I've known for over 20 years. However, her husband is currently battling terminal cancer, she's primary caretaker for her elderly, ailing parents and her brother does not help her. Therefore, she doesn't have time for me as of late.

I agree with others regarding volunteering. Try volunteering in the community at a food bank, for example. Join a church. There are women's groups there and they branch off to develop close friendships. Join walking groups and then branch off into pairs and develop friendships that way. Or sports or hobbies groups. Or, a book club. Groups sometimes branch off into developing 1:1 friendships.

I understand how you feel because superficial friendships feel so shallow and meaningless. I find it agonizing to engage in small talk or chit chat. We all crave close 1:1 friendships.

You're probably being mis-read and in the wrong crowd. Others may interpret you as exhausting to get to know. Branch out and spend less time with your existing social groups and find more meaningful friendships/connections elsewhere. Life is far too short for mediocre or wasted time.

I, like you, am the party planner. I have actually started to wonder if I would be invited out with people were I not the one always planning everything! I'm not sure. It makes me sad when I plan a lot of parties and celebrations for my friends and then when my birthday comes around or I've accomplished something really amazing, nobody puts forth an effort to do anything---seriously. Nothing.

But I have started to realize that not everyone has the same mindset. And that's OK. I genuinely think there is a lack of awareness surrounding some of these things. And is sucks. Big time. Such is life.

Another way to look at this is, be careful what you wish for. BFF's and very close friends are wonderful to have but keep in mind, some friendships can be high maintenance. If you're on a tight budget, many times friendships require money which can be problematic and embarrassing. Money is needed for dining out, entertainment, some social activities, birthday & holiday gifts, you'll be invited to occasions which require dipping into your wallet, other times, it may be a home cooked potluck where you're required to contribute to the buffet and don't forget your time and energy. Many times, friendships require a schedule which means you have to be selfless. You must give your time to them which isn't just an hour. If you drive, it requires gas money, wear 'n tear on your car or traveling expenses. There is a catch to everything.

Fortunately, my friends have always been understanding during my lean years but I must say when life became financially better, obviously I had more fun and good times with friends. I was no longer embarrassed to decline something I couldn't afford nor dip into my piggy bank in order to splurge and indulge once in a while. I was no longer embarrassed for wearing clothing from several decades ago and finally moved up in the world. I could afford to go to the salon to get my hair done, wear chic clothes, buy shoes and handbags. I no longer look outdated and frumpy. To me, there is no such thing as saying, "I am poor but happy." Uhh, no thanks. I did not enjoy being broke as a joke and always acting as if I were someone's poor country cousin. That wasn't fun. Friendships are definitely more enjoyable when economics are no longer an issue.

On the other hand, not having a lot of friends and community commitments means I have automatic free bird status. I get to do what I want when I want. Spontaneity is wonderful because I'm not pinned to anyone's schedule. If I want to go shopping, I shop. If I want to run errands, I run errands. If I want to take a walk with my husband, I'll take a walk with him. If I want to dine out with him, we dine out. I never have to "pencil him in" on my calendar. A spur-of-the-moment life has its many perks. This is because I'm not responsible for cultivating and maintaining numerous friendships nor tend to my relatives. Responsibilities for others can be taxing. I'm not saddled with excessive responsibilities.

There is a silver lining to not being in social butterfly mode. You have more freedom of choice.

I think it's a balance. No need to be "sefless" to that extent to maintain a friendship -if the friendship is worth it to you it won't feel selfless -it will be something you desire to do whether it's taking a phone call late at night when you're tired or accommodating her schedule at times so you can meet. And many of my close friendships are almost all by phone right now.

Two weeks ago a friend of mine who has gone out of her way for me several times over the 6 years I've known her asked me to accompany her to her colonoscopy -she is about to separate from her partner and was required to have a friend in the waiting room during and after the procedure. I was overjoyed to be able to say yes - because I've been looking for ways to reciprocate and she is so self-reliant (she ended up canceling but I assured her I would do all I could to be there if/when she reschedules). I don't agree that it's selfless work to the extent Cherlyn described.

If you can surround yourself with good friends without feeling as if it's selfless work, those are the type of friends to have. Just be careful. That's what I am saying. I've had friends who turned out to be very taxing types and used "friendship" as leverage for too many favors, commitments, obligations, reciprocations and some of them take advantage under the guise of friendship. Learn to discern which type of friends are keepers and which type are users. Some friends have no qualms to take, take, take but never give. I'm not referring to material goods. I'm referring to their time, energy and heart. I've had "friends" like that in the past as well.

Take for example, my sister. She has a ton of friends but here's the catch: She's so bogged down with friends and obligatory commitments, favors and promises that she doesn't time for family, her own kids and time for herself. Trying to be popular can go to the extreme to the point where social life becomes insanely busy not to mention expensive. And, many of her friendships are superficial and not deep. I prefer to have a few deep friendships than a bunch of watered down friendships which turn into shallow time traps.

I hope you find a happy medium and balance. I say quality vs. quantity.

If you can surround yourself with good friends without feeling as if it's selfless work, those are the type of friends to have. Just be careful. That's what I am saying. I've had friends who turned out to be very taxing types and used "friendship" as leverage for too many favors, commitments, obligations, reciprocations and some of them take advantage under the guise of friendship. Learn to discern which type of friends are keepers and which type are users. Some friends have no qualms to take, take, take but never give. I'm not referring to material goods. I'm referring to their time, energy and heart. I've had "friends" like that in the past as well.

 

Take for example, my sister. She has a ton of friends but here's the catch: She's so bogged down with friends and obligatory commitments, favors and promises that she doesn't time for family, her own kids and time for herself. Trying to be popular can go to the extreme to the point where social life becomes insanely busy not to mention expensive. And, many of her friendships are superficial and not deep. I prefer to have a few deep friendships than a bunch of watered down friendships which turn into shallow time traps.

 

I hope you find a happy medium and balance. I say quality vs. quantity.

Excellent points Cherylyn -maybe your sister likes to be "needed" in that way and I can relate to what you are saying and they are not friends.

When I was quite pregnant and starting to move a bit more slowly I met a friend for dinner. We spent about 2 hours or so together. She never once asked how I was feeling. I don't know - you see your friend with a huge belly looking fine but maybe moving a bit slowly and it never occurs to you to ask "so how are you doing?" I realized also she likely wanted to be knocked up like me but still - it clicked for me that it was too one sided if for all that time together she never asked about me including how I was feeling.

But I won't let the "bad apples" occupy me to the extent I don't appreciate the people who are not like that. But, it's hard sometimes!

Thank you Batya33. Some narcissistic types feel the need for endless, constant attention to the point of excess which is unhealthy because it screams insecurity. That's the extreme. I've since given up trying to "compete" for at least a snippet of attention from my sister who has over 1000 FB friends and numerous 'fair weather friends' or 'Good Time Charlies' within her in person social circle. I say to her, "Go for it." I'm happier having a less stressful life with less demanding people in it which means more time and sanity for myself.

I'm sorry about your inconsiderate friend. Whenever people don't ask, "How you are you doing?," they're so consumed with their own lives that they don't care to think of you nor others. I steer clear of those types. Finding friends is difficult. However, I always say it's better to be alone than be with so-called friends who will make you feel lonely because they're deficient.

I appreciate good, very decent, honorable people. They're hard to find but they're out there. It pays to be very picky and choosy. Birds of a feather flock together!

Thanks for all the great replies. They are super helpful and I took a lot of your advice. I am doing a weekend volunteer event for a fitness related event this upcoming weekend. I'm also really into fitness so should be a good match with my interests.

I also asked a friend for a small favor which is very unlike me, but figured maybe it's a good way to put myself out there. As a result, I met up with one of my friends for lunch which was really nice. I also dropped off something at her home to return the favor and we had another little catch up at her house. She even ended up giving me some really cute clothes (we are the same size) that she bought this year but had never worn so I thought that was very nice.

I do have another couple of group things happening but other people planned it, and one involves staying a long weekend at a house with a group of people so this might also be a good way to get to know people on a deeper level. And I'm working on finding that happy balance since like you guys said, I don't have an interest in being so busy that I don't have time for my partner, my own interests and one day down the line my family. I just want to be able to have at least one close, local friendship so I'll keep working on that. Thanks again for all your lovely advice! :)