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Thread: Help... do I contact him?

  1. #1

    Help... do I contact him?

    3 weeks since I last saw him, We left on seemingly good terms. We didnít have any argument but the day after he stopped messaging me back. we have always kept in touch at least once a day. After not hearing from him for about 4 days, or getting very brief one worded answers, I called to see if everything was okay. He answered and just said he was busy. He seemed to think it was weird that I was calling to check up on him. He didnít have anything to say so he said he loved me and hung up

    Weekend comes around and I didnít hear from him. I call him and he was at home relaxing, and was in a rush to hang up. Next day I try to get in touch and he messaged to say he was busy with work. I told him Iíd talk to him later and he never got back to me.I called him several times that night and on Sunday morning he messages to say he fell asleep. I called to say I wish he would let me know earlier if heís too busy as I was waiting to hear from him and wasnít sure what was going on. He was in a rush to hang up again and then messaged me later to tell me he was going to workout that evening. Then he stopped replying again.

    Next day I messaged asking if everything was okay because I felt he was distant and asked if I had done something to upset him. He messaged back saying everything was fine and he was just busy and trying to relax, and that I shouldnít assume that something is wrong if he doesnít text me everyday. I told him thatís not the issue, I just felt he was avoiding me. No answer.

    The weekend rolls around again, I try one more time to get in touch with him. He doesnít answer my calls. I message to ask when heís going to be free and He says heís busy all weekend again. I call right after he messages and he ignored my call. I messaged asking him to call me back and he messaged that I needed to give him space as heís just trying to relax.

    At this point I kind of ďfreaked outĒ as I was super frustrated that he was acting so distant and cold. I messaged a few times telling him how I felt and that it wasnít fair for him to just suddenly decide to cut communication with me for seemingly no reason . I told him I understood If he needed space but itís not fair to just disappear and leave me in the dark. He never responded

    Next morning I messaged once more apologizing if he felt I was intruding on his space, that I thought everything was fine (as he said it was) so didnít realize it. And hopefully he could understand my side as well.

    He hasnít responded and itís been a week now. How long do I wait before I try to message him again? This has happened before but itís usually after an argument, I usually message every couple days and he eventually messages back and we make up. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time this has happened, and definitely the longest. Last time it was roughly a week and a half. We used to fight often but make up quickly, however the past couple years we rarely fight but when we do it seems to drag out longer and longer each time.

    Im thrown off because this time it seems to just have come out of nowhere. I know heís really busy with his work but I donít understand why he wouldnít just communicate that from the beginning if thatís what it was. I know I should just wait to hear back from him but how long do I wait before I message and ask if itís over ? Itís heart wrenching to be suddenly thrown aside for no apparent reason.. especially after 5 years. Any advice is appreciated

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Why would you "just wait to hear back from him?" Why not just text him that you are done with all of it, have a good life and then never speak to him again?

    Don't ask HIM if its over, instead just tell him that it is. Being with someone that treats you like he treats you is just keeping you from finding a good man that wouldn't dream of devaluing like he has with his disappearing, non communicating bullchittery.

    Please, please, please... hitch up your self respect and get yourself away from him. I'm not saying it will be easy but when the dust settles, you will be so glad he's not there to screw with your head and heart. Zero contact will more quickly get you to the blissful stage of indifference to him which is the best state to be in so you are open in mind and heart when that good guy comes your way.

    Remember... the one that holds all the power (in this case its him) cares the least. Take back your power from him.

  3. #3
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    I don't know the background here, so maybe I'm missing something, but you sound very clingy and desperate.

  4. #4
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    Stop contacting him! His actions are very clear! It is over, he is simply too much of a coward to tell you the truth.

    You need to move on from this. Don't allow people to treat you like this.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Littler
    I don't know the background here, so maybe I'm missing something, but you sound very clingy and desperate.
    A partner of 5 years, should be able to speak to his partner for a couple of minutes. This coward is blowing her off.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    Well if you've been this overbearing for those five years together, I could see the guy craving alone time pretty seriously.

    In fairness, you provide very little context apart from saying you went hysterical and blew up his phone while he repeatedly expressed being drained (from your insistence on frequent texting too) and wanting some time to relax alone,

    So it's hardly a surprise if you're suspected of being pushy and clingy.

    His manner was certainly unpleasant and rude. he seems very annoyed with you- to the point I don't buy that this is a sudden, unexpected reaction of his after five years of bliss.

    Have you been seeing each other only every few weeks for the entire duration of the relationship, or is this new? He was at home you say, so not away for work, do you live a fair distance apart? Have you lived together at any point in the five years?

    Not lastly, has he always been dismissive and brusque?

    The question isn't why you can't talk to him all of a sudden after five years, but how the five years culminated in this.

    Maybe you've been too clingy, maybe you're a bad match, maybe he's always been a proper jerk whom you've always just hoped would turn into a great guy,

    At this point it's anyone's guess really.

    I don't know what people expect when they just leave out 99% of the relationship and vent about a single incident as if it had occurred in a vacuum.

    My limited advice would be to firstly stop calling him, assume the relationship over or just end it yourself if you can't get past this, and if you want to be supported through it, provide context so that people can give it some thought and deliberation that could actually help you.

    I understand you wrote this in affect, but please recognize what you receive when zooming in on a pixel is going to be skewed, myopic and perhaps useless. Neither hearing "sounds like you're clingy!", nor "what a jerk he is!" is likely entirely fair, true, balanced.

    You can get insightful input on here, and long term support. Just be willing to invest as much effort into the discourse as the respondents do.

  8. #7
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    Something is off but Iím not sure what?

    I think itís a little unfair to call the op clingy after a 5 year relationship and sudden silence from him?

    Op you said this has happened a few times before?
    How did you react before?
    Did you ask for an explanation for his disappearance or were you just happy he was back and continued on as if it never happened?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    I'm gonna side with Littler here.
    Although I don't know then background either and I'm not saying that his behavior is A-OK, but if you've been clingy throughout the relationship, you should address that because it is a big issue. Don't contact him again. Let him contact you. In the meantime you can read up on this behavior maybe you will relate and start correcting it, maybe there's another issue in your relationship.

    He could be more clear as to if it's that what's bothering him or something else. Apparently he has issues in his communication as well.bKeep in mind though that he might be telling the truth and there's nothing really wrong and he just doesn't need this much contact, and didn't from the beginning, he just went with the flow.

    Just my 2 cents

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    Something is off but Iím not sure what?

    I think itís a little unfair to call the op clingy after a 5 year relationship and sudden silence from him?

    Op you said this has happened a few times before?
    How did you react before?
    Did you ask for an explanation for his disappearance or were you just happy he was back and continued on as if it never happened?
    I didn't know they had been together for 5 years. For all I knew, they were together for a few months. Still, the OP still seems like she needs constant reassurance. But maybe there's an independent reason for it, like he's been showing signs of cheating...I just don't have that background information.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Littler
    I didn't know they had been together for 5 years. For all I knew, they were together for a few months. Still, the OP still seems like she needs constant reassurance. But maybe there's an independent reason for it, like he's been showing signs of cheating...I just don't have that background information.
    To be fair, this detail was included in the opening post: "Itís heart wrenching to be suddenly thrown aside for no apparent reason.. especially after 5 years."

    Anyway, OP, I would stop trying to contact him. He's making it very clear he doesn't want to talk to you; continuing to attempt to do so is only going to drive you crazy and push a bigger wedge between you. Instead, ask yourself why you tolerated him doing this before. Ask yourself why you are waiting to hear from someone who dismisses you like this rather than deciding it isn't working for you and walking away.

    I agree with Littler that we don't have a lot of background information to go on, but I am guessing this episode is a reflection of a larger dysfunctional dynamic in the relationship. How had things been going over the last few months?

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