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Thread: Advice... is it me?

  1. #1
    Silver Member fixyou_'s Avatar
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    Advice... is it me?

    So, I see my boyfriend about 3-4 times a week. We live an hour apart and have been together 3 years. We are saving to buy a house together. It seems like when we are together he is constantly texting his friends or asks me to play video games with him (which I enjoy on my own anyways) that he just wants to play so he can also play with his friends (that he texts, like above) and talk to them on the mic. I just get pushed to the side.

    Iíve brought this up twice to him the last couple months... itís just draining. I didnít even go over tonight and said I wasnít feeling good and goodnight really early so that I didnít have to wait around to talk to him (because heís playing video games with his friends). I just feel so pushed to the side. Iím not a priority at all. He tries to make it feel or seem like I am by inviting me to play video games, but itís like a trick. We never really get time for just us. Like ever. Iím drained.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I remember your post about this from back in November. So here we are, six months later, and it sounds like there has not been satisfactory improvement for you. You'd brought it up back then, and you say you've brought it up in recent months. What all that says, sadly, is that you know the scoreóyeah, sorry, pun intended.

    This is who he is, at least right now: an avid gamer who'd prefer your quality time include gaming than be had outside of gaming. He's made that clear. I know it's hard, given all the time you've spent with him and the vision of living together in that house some day, but is this really the house you want to live in, figuratively speaking?

  3. #3
    Silver Member fixyou_'s Avatar
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    No... It makes me not like him. He does do things other than game, but it just doesnít feel like itís enough. For example, we took my mom out last week for motherí day and he got her a really nice gift.
    It is just so focused on him and his friends and not so much on me. It should be the opposite.
    Iíve thought about this. Is this what I have to accept? Or do I be single and lonely and regret giving up on someone that I love very much.
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I remember your post about this from back in November. So here we are, six months later, and it sounds like there has not been satisfactory improvement for you. You'd brought it up back then, and you say you've brought it up in recent months. What all that says, sadly, is that you know the scoreóyeah, sorry, pun intended.

    This is who he is, at least right now: an avid gamer who'd prefer your quality time include gaming than be had outside of gaming. He's made that clear. I know it's hard, given all the time you've spent with him and the vision of living together in that house some day, but is this really the house you want to live in, figuratively speaking?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Someone who cares about your happiness, when it's a reasonable request, will want to work with you towards the best relationship possible. He heard what you had to say. He doesn't care, otherwise he'd be making efforts in order not to lose you.

    You've outgrown the relationship and your love is blinding you to the fact that it's time to walk away. Breakups are always tough, but necessary if you want to meet the man who will be worthy of you in the future.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I wouldn't put in in terms of "giving up on someone." You're not trying to climb Mt Everest here at a record pace and quitting three quarters of the way to the top. You're trying to share your life with someone you're compatible with, someone who enhances your days, who fills you up rather than draining you. What that looks like for you is not what it looks like for him.

    It's sad stuff to think about, I know. Feel for you. But it's even sadder to hold onto something as resentment grows and simmers. You don't want to be with someone you don't like. It will make you not like yourself. It's a lose-lose. So what you're calling "giving up on someone" is more "accepting of someone," while also accepting a gap between the two of you that is not bridgeable.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by fixyou_
    It is just so focused on him and his friends and not so much on me. It should be the opposite.
    Iíve thought about this. Is this what I have to accept? Or do I be single and lonely and regret giving up on someone that I love very much.
    Oh no, you do not need to accept this and you shouldnt. Please dont buy a house with him anytime soon or it'll be more of the same. How old are you two? Many young people seem to be wired to video games and it's something they need to outgrow and your guy is not there yet, not by a long stretch. You need to decide if you want to live like this or not. It distresses you a lot, that is clear, so maybe it's time for a break?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    I think your attitude about being single is the main factor holding you back. You don't have to be lonely as a single person. Even if you don't have many friends, you can enjoy your own company. Being single isn't a permanent state either. It's not necessarily this guy or no one. I understand being afraid of a big change, but you are really limiting yourself with your current mindset that you'll definitely be lonely and regret the decision.

    It sounds to me like the main problem here is that you're already lonely in this relationship. I personally would rather face temporary loneliness being single while I search for a partner who I am compatible with that invests in the relationship the way I do. However, you will have to decide for yourself if you're willing to deal with short-term discomfort for long-term gain.

  9. #8
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    ď Is this what I have to accept? Or do I be single and lonely and regret giving up on someone that I love very much. Ē

    Do you ever go out and socialise together? Go on dates?
    Or is all your time spent just at one or others place?

    What do you like to do in your downtime?
    His is gaming clearly.

    Do you ever suggest something else to do that he and you mutually enjoy?
    Or do you just want him to do nothing with you?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You can't change him, but you can change your actions. So unfortunately after 3 yrs he still has his face in his devices most of the time. Doesn't make him a bad person but not the easiest person to be with. 3yrs is a long time for this: [Register to see the link]

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Oh I've been with a gamer, as I was also a gamer I thought it was ok and it was up to one point. I realised he was just playing games to avoid life, but that doesn't mean your bf is like that. I'm afraid I don't have a solution, but I'm curious, d you have other interests other than your bf?

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