Do you think he'll come back...?

Hi guys,

I stumbled onto this forum because I'm sort of in a lost and desperate place and I literally googled 'will my ex come back?' and heh...I found a thread about exes coming back. I hope that it's alright that I post my story/question?

My boyfriend wants to break up and I can't really breathe right now. I keep flipping between panic, feeling numb and pure devastation. I need help? I've been racking my brain, trying to figure out what happened and what I did wrong...and most importantly, I'm trying to figure out/rationalize if he's going to come back to me.

Okay, so a little background - we've been living together for 3 years and we've been in a relationship for 5 years. Our relationship has had its ups and downs and its fair share of drama. Things were complicated when we first met because we were both getting out of relationships, so that led to a messy beginning for us. There was a lot of push and pull (more push on my part), but at the end of the day we both loved each other like crazy and we somehow made it happen. We were finally able to be together. Yay?!

The problems that we have now are a bit more complicated, so I won't even bother trying to go into too much detail because who has time to read all that! ;) But I can at least give you the biggest issues that i think we have...?

1) He's depressed (Because of work and maybe because of us). It's manifesting and presenting itself in a very typical way. He's always exhausted/fatigued, has lost interest in things, has a sense of hopelessness in everything, no sex drive, easily irritable and angry...the list goes on. And he refuses to talk to anyone or take anything that might help him. Absolutely refuses. He doesn't think he's depressed. And the few times that he acknowledges that he might be, he's resigned himself to just going to the gym to try to fix it (but he never goes to the gym...so...)

2) He absolutely *hates* that I have a pretty hefty dose of social anxiety that gets in the way of me going out with him. When he gets invited to dinners and drinks, he likes me to go with him...and I always politely decline and insist that he go without me...unfortunately, he usually refuses to go as well for whatever reason. So my anxiety is getting in the way of his own social life :( Unfortunately, my social anxiety isn't limited to just visits with his friends...he's from France and he'd like me to go visit his family with him several times a year (for days and weeks on end...being surrounded by people with no break in sight?! That's an introverts nightmare right there o_o Ahhh?!). I'm not against these trips and would love it if I just had to do it once a year or so...not...4...or more. So yeah, my anxiety is a problem.

3) I just learned that he doesn't like that I don't make enough money... Now, I know that sounds awful, but let me explain a little. He's the sole breadwinner and he chose to be that because he wanted me to focus on my writing. In the last year when I noticed that I wasn't writing books fast enough, I suggested that I get a job and he got upset and insisted that i continue with the writing. He knew that I've been out of the job market for so long...whatever job I could get would be kind of a joke. We live in NYC and any job that I could get would pay for maybe subway rides and food at best.

And...I think those are our biggest issues? They're manageable, but also kind of a big deal if both parties don't want to work on them :( And he doesn't want to work on his depression. I would happily work on my anxiety if he gave me another chance though. In terms the money, when he's not depressed...it was never an issue. But right now? Everything about me seems to bother him. He says that he loves me and he's still in love with me...but he's "just so tired" and he "just wants to be alone". The (not so) funny thing is, is that we actually went through this exactly one year ago (to the day...over mother's day weekend) but for slightly different reasons (I was pushing him away...always negative) and i ended up having to move out of our apt...I packed up and left. But we maintained a little bit of contact...a few texts here and there (because i kept sending them :) )...until about a month and a half later, he eventually told me that he wanted to get back together. I could tell he snapped out of whatever cloudy emotionless funk that he was in...and he was back. He was back for a while...and i made positive changes this time around. I stopped being so negative and whiney about hating NYC and I was super supportive and did a 180 for the better (without losing my personality or sense of self). But then I screwed up when I kept declining/bailing on social engagements - things like going to a NYE dinner...vacations with his cousins...drinks...blah. Anyway, his mood dropped and he started to get withdrawn. His work was already making him super angry and depressed, but when I didn't do the social stuff...it would trigger an even worse depression episode in him.

Oh one other thing - he's easily the worst communicator I have ever encountered in all my life. He does not talk. I would be happy if he could even do smoke signals to clue me in on what he's thinking...but nothing! In fact, this break up was triggered by *ME* because i wanted to talk about his general despondence towards life and us. One thing led to another and I told him that it didn't look like he wanted to be with me. He denied half-heartedly...until he finally agreed :(

So...here we are now? We love each other. I know he loves me. And I love him like crazy. But he wants to break up...and he's being terribly detached and cold about it right now. He says the break up is for the best for everyone. He says that it's the right thing to do and that he just wants to be alone. He doesn't want to be with anyone ever...according to him. I just don't understand how it's the right thing to do if we both love each other? :(

My question is, do you think he'll come back to me? We fought so freaking hard to be together...and we love(d?) each other so much... I know he's depressed...and there's nothing I can do about it. But maybe when his head clears up a bit...he'll come back to me? And I'll swallow down my damn anxiety and have all the dinners and drinks that he wants and just happily grin and bear it.

I'm going back to NY tomorrow after staying with family for a week and it's basically going to be my last stand...I guess.

Any incite or advice that you guys might have would be incredibly appreciated. I can't breathe and my heart feels like it's being squeezed out of my chest. It's crazy how wrong this feels. I'm panicking. I can't lose him...he has my heart as beaten and tattered as it is.

Please help :(

Also...good golly, I'm sorry for the wall of text.

I'm really not someone to say "this is all you"... but... it kind of is. You're not working, and you aren't standing up for yourself about getting a job to alleviate this "issue". And your social anxiety sounds like one of the main reasons that he's unhappy. Who wants to be in a relationship where you don't go anywhere or do anything with the other person because they can't deal with people? It basically makes the entire social aspect of your relationship solely about you, right? He can't go do couple things with friends because he'll always be solo.

You need to take a hard look at yourself and figure out why your anxiety is crippling you and this relationship. If he wants gone, let him go, move back in with your family, and seek out ways to control your anxiety, because I can almost guarantee you, this will ruin any future relationship, too.

I'm sorry. It's hard. And what I've said is kind of mean. But I think you need to hear it.

Hi, I appreciate your response! I realize that a few paragraphs doesn't really give a big enough picture of the relationship, but to a degree you're definitely right - my anxiety has definitely been a problem...but I'm not entirely sure if "this is all me". I do think that my anxiety is a big factor, but again, his depression plays quite a large role as well. When he's going through one of his "upswings" and he's happy, my anxiety isn't an issue...and he takes on a more relaxed attitude about it...which in turn makes me feel more comfortable about doing social things with him. So basically, when he's happy, I'm happy and then I feel good to go outside of my comfort zone. When he's depressed/angry, I panic and don't feel secure or safe to go outside of my comfort zone.

Unfortunately at the end of the day, no amount of dinners or drinks, will snap him out of his depression though. Right now he feels like everything is hopeless and nothing in his life is working out the way he had planned when he was "younger". He had milestones that he wanted to hit and he's only been off the mark by a little bit, but it's thrown him into this weird dark place that I can't drag him out of. He wanted to make $500k/yr by the time he was 35...he made it when he was 36...and yet he thinks he's a failure and hates everyone at work who makes more than him. I don't know how many times I've had to hear him say that he's a "loser" because "everyone makes more than him". Nothing that I say convinces him otherwise. He's gained some weight (very minimal), but when I mention going to the gym or going for a run, he gets angry and says he doesn't want to go...and then proceeds to eat junk food and watch TV for 5 hours straight...and then gets mad at himself for doing it.

I can't reach him...no matter how hard I try. Even with just the week that has passed since I posted my original posting, my eyes are a little more open to how dysfunctional our relationship was. When he was happy, we were good. When he was bad...everything was awful...and he sort of made sure that I was living in the misery with him. And I'm responsible for my own misery because I let it happen.

I honestly don't know what's going to happen next with us. I still love him...but I need to make sure that I don't put myself in a position where I'm so dependent on his happiness. The social anxiety, I can work on. I've had plenty of people in my life who worked with me on it and I got better for it...but with him? My anxiety has never been this bad...and that makes me so terribly sad because I love him so much :-/ Last week, if he came running back to me, I would have happily accepted him without thinking twice...but now, I don't think I should without him taking steps to talk to someone and getting help first. I really really hope he does.

Ok, here's the problem. You're trying to manage him. Just stop. Don't be a therapist, mommy , cheerleader, gym coach, etc. Do not entertain or try to fix his whining and self pity. Let him wallow if he wants. Nagging, fixing, etc is not "reaching" him. Manage your own life and your own happiness.

You can't change or fix an entitled misanthrope who wants to dump on you about the gradient between his entitled attitude and who he really is. That is his problem. Don't make it yours. You're correct about the dysfunction. Making his moods and attitudes some sort of project you need to control in order to make believe you can stop your own pain. Think about that.

Read up a bit on emotional abuse. How it works. How you are walking on eggs hoping he has a "good day" or hoping someone will fix him. Take a deep breath and disengage from trying to monitor and fix his emotions. All of it is not your responsibility. That should alleviate a lot of your anxiety.

-him into this weird dark place that I can't drag him out of.

 

-Nothing that I say convinces him otherwise.

 

-I mention going to the gym or going for a run, he gets angry

 

-I can't reach him...no matter how hard I try.

 

-he sort of made sure that I was living in the misery with him.

 

-I'm so dependent on his happiness.

What treatment are you receiving for your anxiety?

Haha, you guys do the tough love thing here, huh? :)

No, but you're right, Wiseman...you're absolutely right. At the end of the day, you are only responsible for yourself and your own well-being...but wow...when your heart is involved it's really hard to be rational sometimes. I just wanted to help and be a supportive partner...and that's something that I've always thought - you should always be kind and supportive of your partners. But this was more...and what I was doing was more than just being supportive. I was desperately trying to get him back to being his "normal self" for both me and for his own good. But I couldn't do it because he didn't want the help...from me or anyone else :-/

I appreciate your reply, Wiseman2...I just need to tell my heart to shut up and stop hurting so much now. Blah!! It's hard to walk away from everything...especially when I know we still love each other. I hope he gets the help. In the meantime, I need to sift through the emotional rollercoaster i'm currently riding (on a good day I zoom through about 4 stages of grief at any given hour) and focus on me and stop obsessing about "will he or won't he come back".

And for the love of gawd, i need to not text him -_-

What treatment are you receiving for your anxiety?

Boltnrun, not enough? :(

I don't have health insurance...so I've been resorting to googling and trying to self-treat. Right now, I'm doing the "do one thing that makes you uncomfortable every day" bit...but all that's really doing is spiking my cortisol/fight-or-flight response and making me sick (losing hair...sometimes getting rashes...super attractive stuff like that). I know I need to see someone and get proper treatment...and I will once i have insurance again.

(i'm actually on his insurance plan still, but I don't want to use it for anything unless it's an emergency. Plus, I know how he feels about mental health treatment...I can see him getting bothered when he sees the statement)

Boltnrun, not enough? :(

 

I don't have health insurance...so I've been resorting to googling and trying to self-treat. Right now, I'm doing the "do one thing that makes you uncomfortable every day" bit...but all that's really doing is spiking my cortisol/fight-or-flight response and making me sick (losing hair...sometimes getting rashes...super attractive stuff like that). I know I need to see someone and get proper treatment...and I will once i have insurance again.

 

(i'm actually on his insurance plan still, but I don't want to use it for anything unless it's an emergency. Plus, I know how he feels about mental health treatment...I can see him getting bothered when he sees the statement)

So I think you would have a hard time convincing him to try again when you are not getting treated for one of the major reasons the relationship ended.

I recommend getting yourself healthy first. That means getting treatment from a professional once your insurance kicks in. That has to take priority.

So I think you would have a hard time convincing him to try again when you are not getting treated for one of the major reasons the relationship ended.

 

I recommend getting yourself healthy first. That means getting treatment from a professional once your insurance kicks in. That has to take priority.

You're right >.

Crap. I need proper treatment before I/we can really move forward (at least when addressing the issues that I'm responsible for). Ugh. I wish I could do it now, while i'm motivated and frankly, antsy to get it done. I don't want to get complacent and ignore it once enrollment comes around.

Thanks, Bolt :-/ You kind of confirmed my own thoughts, but it's really good for me to hear it from someone else (none of my friends IRL would suspect any of this since i'm one of those super high-functioning anxious/introverted people...I fake it so hard that I look like a smiley gregarious idiot)... Blargh...

I'm so over this and love in general. I'm going to go eat irresponsibly now -_-

Thank you...