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Thread: GENERAL QUESTION, WHAT CAN BE FORGIVEN and WHAT IS UNFORGIVABLE

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Cinder
    We don't have all the details, but sometimes it's hard to let go of someone you love...or are friends with for a long time. We don't know the details.

    Not saying you are wrong, or we all shouldn't accept boundaries...but when you lose someone close to you...it can rip a void in your psyche, and it's hard to just let go. :-)
    The details are in his previous threads. He has started three others. In those threads he does clearly state that she has asked him to leave her alone and his response was to approach her in person AND to attempt to communicate with her using a false social media profile.

    At that point, letting go is an absolute must unless one wants criminal charges.

  2. #12
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    As I said my story is over I apologized and I told her I know she never wants to speak to me and I will keep that promise and by keeping it I mean Not creating situations at work wehte I need to speak to her (If a real one occurr well then so be it) Not initiating hellos but I will respond civilly if she ever says it but that is all. I made a lot of mistakes and I made things worse. What ever happens in the future is up to her All I know is that I am going to keep my promise and leave her alone. Not only for her sake but for my sake as well.

  3. #13
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    First off I want to thank you all for your advice and replies they have been a great help and just talking about it has helped put me on a let's say more healthy path. Maybe I was wrong in saying that what I did was unforgivable or forgivable maybe I do not want to give myself false hope and on the other hand maybe that is what I was doing when I mentioned that she smiled at me the day after the apology. I should not do that. All I know is that I liked this person very much to say the least and I crossed a lot of lines I should not have crossed (It is easy to see that now but at the time when I was all filled with anxiety and feeling lost I did not I just wanted to fix things and make things better and I made things worse it was like I was drowning in quicksand. I waited 3 weeks after she stopped talking to me before I said I was sorry and told her that I know she never wants to speak to me and that I promise not to leave her alone.Now I know some have said that I should have not even apologized because she wanted to be alone and I understand your point. BUT I am sorry I felt that I at least owed her that because what I did was so bad and I do care about her, Now I do not know if my apology made her feel better or angered her I do not know (She just listened) I cannot control that. Also I now know that just because she might forgive me does not mean that she wants to be friends I also know that she may never forgive me and I also know that things can happen like she might forgive me now but may not want to be friends now but maybe in the future she will (and who knows maybe in the future I may want to be friends but then again maybe I wont I do not know.) All I know is that I no longer want to be a negative in her life anymore.Yes of course I still have feelings for her but I need to put them away and DO THE RIGHT THING AND BE CORDIAL BUT LEAVE HER ALONE and then maybe just maybe if she sees that I am no longer that person she had to block and all that well then maybe someday we can be friends again or maybe not, The one personal thing about my own feelings that I will say is that when we became friends she touched my heart because some of the things she told reminded me of things I went through and she had low self esteem and I just wanted to make her encourage her make her feel special and loved and I really thought I was doing a good thing until I saw she restricted me on facebook and I just broke down crying (alone) and that sent me into all that stuff I wrote about where I just made things worse. I know that we may never be friends again but I am going to change back to what I was before all this because I at least want her to see me as the person she used to be friends with the person who treated her and others with kindness and caring (Hey maybe that is why she smiled at me because she saw me helping someone else like I used to help her who knows) instead of how she sees me now as an annoying friend and pest and Yes I know it is ALL MY FAULT but it still hurts because it seems all the good I did is lost, I do know this moving forward I wll still be kind and helpful to others but I will guard my heart even and that includes her if we ever do become friends again
    Last edited by Mets6986; 05-18-2019 at 11:02 AM.

  4. #14
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    The ONE thing I do not understand as far as myself is concerned is WHY? What I mean is for the most part I have healthy relationships with most of my co worker and family and outside friends so WHY did it happen with this person? I mean at this time two years ago I did not even know this person even existed and it was not until over a year go we started becoming friends and it was her that started to friendship (I am usually quiet at work but I will talk to someone if they want to talk to me and as I get along with people. SO WHY did this person get into my soul like this I mean Yes I am attracted to her BUT I was never going to try anything with her and I have been attracted to other people I have worked with and I NEVER HAD THE HIGH AND LOWS that I had with this friend. Yes finally I am going to learn from my mistakes and leave her alone but when I think of the whole friendship when I am alone and it brings tears to my eyes (I know men do not generally cry about these things so maybe I am too sensitive I have to admit) In all my life I do not think I ever had a friendship that lasted a short time (A liittle over a year that gave me what felt like the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Who knows maybe THAT is why GOD put her in my life for a brief time. What I mean is I remember a while befpre I met her I started to feel that I could not feel anymore What I mean is nothing really made me happy and nothing made me sad I was just on auto pilot so to speak so maybe God put this person in my life to show me that Yes I can feel both good and bad, Obviously I did a bad job handling my feelings in this case. Just a thought

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  6. #15
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    Nobody can 'undo' an instance of 'overdoing'. It's not that someone can't 'forgive' the mistake, but forgiveness doesn't mean that they'll want to do lunch again. People can forgive from afar--and keep it at that.

    The antidote to verbal diarrhea is NOT to speak more, it's to go quiet and allow time and distance to do their job. This doesn't mean that someone who's been overexposed to you will ever want more exposure--it means that you've avoided compounding the problem, and so civility can be possible when your paths cross in the future. However, if you abuse any instance of civility by going back to address the incident, you'll just reset the issue back to the initial offense, and you'll prove to that person WHY they never want to deal with you again. So skip any fantasies about rekindling the friendship, and settle for forgiveness from afar.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You've created four threads about this situation over the past 3 weeks. Has none of the insights or advice you received been useful?

    Does it bother you so much because you cannot change the outcome? We cannot control how others feel or react. It's something we have to just accept.
    Yes everything has been very useful and has helped me stop my destructive behavior, YesI have come to terms that I cant change the outcome, What I am trying to figure out is How did I allow this person to get into my heart and soul like she did because that does not happen and How I avoid that from happening again. I cant say I regret anything I did that made her feel good about herself but somewhere I crosses a line or overdiid it and that but everything else I do regtry but I cant take it back and I know my friendship with her is over, I just do not want to make the same mistake again,

  8. #17
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    I agree catfeeder I cannot do all the overdoing with the worst being the last (Writing that letter on her facebook wall) It has been one month since then and other than apologizing 3 weeks later I have not spoken to her and as I said before I am going to respect her wished and not talk to her. All I can do is be quiet (We work tohether and I mentioned and as I said before I am not going to look for reasons to talk to her. When I apologized that day I thought that was it and it probably is but the next day when she smiled at me for some reason and I smiled nack I allowed myself to have some fantasy that ibye leaving her alone that someday the firendship might be rekindled, You are right I need to let go of any such fantasies and just leave her alone and whatever does or does not happen will take care of itself and if by some chance she does talk to me in the future I will never talk about the past for the reasons you gave above UNLESS she asks me directly

  9. #18
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    Im guessing you're a guy.

    Yeah. You over did it. She knew you liked her and she didn't feel the same. It would have been dangerous for her to respond cause you would have just gotten more and more attracted to her.

    She smiled at you to tell you that you're a good guy but nobody on Earth can handle that much attention.

    I did this to a girl to a lesser degree.

    You wanted to see if she read what you wrote and you wanted to know if she wanted you not to talk to her.

    A guy would have flat out said. Leave me alone. But a girl can't say that to a guy. Cause girls are subject to violence and she was afraid you'd lose your temper.

    At some point in the past she saw you in a state where you did not get your way and you handled it badly. Or she saw this in someone else and related it to you.

    Or she had complicated circumstances that prevented her from having a relationship with you and she didn't want you involved.

    You sound like you were willing to do anything to prolong this friendship/relationship, and it was obvious.that you would have intervened in any way possible, even talking to other parties involved. She knew that would be messy by the way you relentlessly adresed her and was avoiding any possible foray. She might have been protecting you.

    It's a good thing that she smiled at you. And that means a lot. She sees you're a great guy who will do anything to get a relationship with someone you really want. She sees that that is terrific. And even though you can't be with her, she definitely knows you'll excell in the relationship field when you're more successful.

    It also shows diligent problem solving which will basically pave your road in life as long as you dont get distracted by other side of fence bull.

    The most important thing for you to do is appreciate that meaningful smile from her, not as if it were from her but as if it were from everyone in the world. The world has just smiled on you.

    If you let your frustration and possible broken heart win over you, you will descend into the deepest hell that anyone in eternity has ever delved.

    That is because you are so determined and diligent that if you get the slightest bit negative you will go all the way.

    Dispell negativity hypnosis on youtube. Or any other thing possible to that garbage of being rejected out of your subconscious.

    Also you obviously want a deep relationship with someone. Don't get too deep unless you've hit base 13. People appreciate little things. You've got to see a new relationship as a little bird whose afraid of taking a seed out of your hand.

    It's hunger has to out weigh it's fear of getting crushed. You've got to genuinely look like your not going to crush it. And it's got to be a better seed than the others which are laying all over the place.

    Peace bro.

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