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Thread: FWB situation, not sure what she is thinking. Perhaps some theories are welcome

  1. #1
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    FWB situation, not sure what she is thinking. Perhaps some theories are welcome

    So it's been around a year since my last post. Since my last break up, i have been going decent, moving forward and all. I am still going through a bit of healing as I needed it as much, most of my initial emotions have calm down and I would say I am very near to where I want to be, emotionally and mentally.

    A few months ago, I would say about almost two months ago, I decided it was time to start dating casually and not too serious. I needed to get out and be out, meet new people and did just that. Dating to me is just hanging out and having fun, getting to know new and old people and getting my mind off things. At this point that is all I wanted to do, sex or no sex it really didn't matter to me.

    So of course I end up meeting someone, while with this intention and things were okay, smooth no real issues. Sex did happen once, then I caught myself and I knew for me at this moment, I didn't want a serious relationship or even a relationship at all. I told this girl the next time we meet up and told her that I am not looking for anything serious. I told her casual is good for me and at a good place right now, focusing on having fun was my ultimate goal when we go out. I told her you can call it dating or just friends, I didn't really care, spending time with her was great, spending too much time together or caring for another, letting my self out there like that, I just wasn't ready to do it. I didn't explain the exact reasons why I didn't want a relationship, I just wanted her to know and not get her hopes up. I don't know if it was me not wanting her that way, I do think if i wanted her that way or had my feels go to that point then maybe I would have, However right now, that wasn't it.

    Either way, I told her friends are okay with me, even told her if we end up having a lot of fun and wind down at either each other houses and if we do something, I told her I wouldn't regret it, nor would it be weird for me. Basically hinting at FWB situation but don't have to be. I told her if it's something that we end up doing because we wanted to then we can, it's fun, it relaxes most people however I am not looking for it and it would just be spur of the moment and I don't mind.

    So I feel like I made it absolutely clear, we can have FWB but we don't have to. We can just be friends and hang out and that is cool too. She got what I was telling her, she told me that FWB is fine for her as well and that she has no problems with it. She likes hanging out with me, talking, having fun, whatever.

    So question to you all is. Can she really do this without feeling more later on down the road? Since that talk we have had sex a few times. Would she change? I guess the simple answer is yes, there is always a chance that she would change and want more than what we have now. When is it a good time to stop so perhaps she stops developing feelings if she ever does?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Marie Hartwell-Walker Ed.D says: Both men and women release oxytocin, the hormone and neurotransmitter, during orgasm. Oxytocin calms us down, soothes our anxieties, and mellows us out. Itís also a key biological factor that bonds people to each other. Some research shows that it is associated with the ability to maintain healthy relationships. This is the hormone that is released during childbirth. It also surges when women nurse their babies. Sometimes called the ďcuddle hormone,Ē itís what helps parents bond with their babies and women bond with their mates. Itís often what makes a woman start to see a FWB arrangement as meaning more. She bonds. He doesnít. One day she whispers, ďMaybe I love you.Ē Heís outraged. Heís bummed. This wasnít supposed to happen. This wasnít the deal! Tell that to your hormones.

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    ď I told her you can call it dating or just friends, I didn't really careĒ

    I would call that clear as mud!

    You want her as a friend, fwb, or to date? YOU decide!!!
    And stop letting her second guess.

    Make up your mind what you want.
    Itís unfair to string her along under any of those umbrellas !

    Stop being selfish.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    ď I told her you can call it dating or just friends, I didn't really careĒ

    I would call that clear as mud!

    You want her as a friend, fwb, or to date? YOU decide!!!
    And stop letting her second guess.

    Make up your mind what you want.
    Itís unfair to string her along under any of those umbrellas !

    Stop being selfish.
    Amen. FWB isnít something you fake, or do for cool points,and given your own emotional sensitivities to suggest sheís the one whoís going to be the emotional mess is laughable. Please see exhibit A:

    [Register to see the link]

    This ainít for you pimpiní
    Last edited by figureitout23; 05-17-2019 at 09:43 AM.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Good to see you out there dating again, it's good therapy.

    Will she fall in love? There is a slight chance. It's a whole lot better chance than hitting the lottery! Also, she may already be in love.

    For you, there is no problem - since you are on the rebound and can't fall in love, you can't get hurt and have nothing to loose.

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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Amen. FWB isnít something you fake, or do for cool points,and given your own emotional sensitivities to suggest sheís the one whoís going to be the emotional mess is laughable. Please see exhibit A:

    [Register to see the link]

    This ainít for you pimpiní

    post was made about a year ago. Feels like i've came through a bit stronger and at the time i was messed up. I am not messed up right now and more stable as well and history should not repeat itself here. Self improvement where it's been preached many times in this forum, I feel like I accomplished some of it to make me a better person. Perhaps I have not come full circle, but hence it's been a year apart since i've made a post. Good job going through my history though and think you know me, specially from my absence of post for about a year. -pimpin'

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    How old is she? Some young women might not get the gist of that long winded speech. Depending on your dynamic also or where she is in life she may not be able to engage in an fwb. There's always a risk in sexual relationships or casual relationships that one or both people take it for more than what it's intended to be. There's nothing you can do about that. We can't even control our own emotions. How do you suspect that you would be able to control or predict someone else's?

    If this is what you want, just enjoy it for what it is. It doesn't sound to me, though, that you're cut out for it. I'd check in with yourself every now and then and ask yourself whether this is what you really want or whether you're moving more towards wanting something more fulfilling. You may be skirting commitment issues and avoidance behaviours (not willing to face your fears). If you continue on this way indefinitely you are not growing.

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    No, she won't necessarily become more attached. There's always that chance but it's not a given.

    I had a FWB for around a year, a while back now. He was fun, we hung out a bit, saw each other when it was convenient. I never developed feelings for him, and respectfully put an end to it when I met someone I wanted to date.

    If you are concerned, dial down the level of contact and keep a healthy distance. Call it off completely if you sense she is falling for you.

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    Originally Posted by 1tym
    ...So question to you all is. Can she really do this without feeling more later on down the road? Since that talk we have had sex a few times. Would she change? I guess the simple answer is yes, there is always a chance that she would change and want more than what we have now. When is it a good time to stop so perhaps she stops developing feelings if she ever does?
    Yes, there's a chance her feeling might change. There's also a chance that she already has strong feelings for you but has decided not to tell you given what you've told her.

    As for your question about timing, that's a really difficult question to answer because executing that plan in reality is going to be really painful and awkward. If you really think you'll have to end things down the road because she'll "fall for you," then don't start dating her (or whatever you want to call it) in the first place.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by 1tym
    post was made about a year ago. Feels like i've came through a bit stronger and at the time i was messed up. I am not messed up right now and more stable as well and history should not repeat itself here. Self improvement where it's been preached many times in this forum, I feel like I accomplished some of it to make me a better person. Perhaps I have not come full circle, but hence it's been a year apart since i've made a post. Good job going through my history though and think you know me, specially from my absence of post for about a year. -pimpin'
    Itís not thinking I know you.

    First your screen name looked familiar.

    Second your post came off like a wannabe player, like youíre playing a role you donít quite know how to fill.

    Both of those things prompted me to look at your history.

    You sound exactly the same, completely confused about women. You see us as foreign objects instead of people and potential partners.

    You are saying one thing while doing another, you donít know whether youíre coming or going as I said this ainít for you.

    No point in giving me an attitude... the truth remains, this ainít for you, especially not right now, you need to learn what you want and what your boundaries are and stick to them instead of wandering aimlessly and putting yourself into messy situations. You can potentially hurt someone because you donít know what up or down is, and I genuinely feel bad for the girl youíre essentially experimenting with...

    Pull up your big boy pants, people arenít toys, game playing has the potential to hurt people, if you donít want it done to you...as the post I quoted shows... *hint why I quoted it* donít do it to others, FWB require incredibly strong boundaries and rules, not grey area things that give you a perceived upperhand.
    Last edited by figureitout23; 05-17-2019 at 08:06 PM.

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