FWB situation, not sure what she is thinking. Perhaps some theories are welcome

So it's been around a year since my last post. Since my last break up, i have been going decent, moving forward and all. I am still going through a bit of healing as I needed it as much, most of my initial emotions have calm down and I would say I am very near to where I want to be, emotionally and mentally.

A few months ago, I would say about almost two months ago, I decided it was time to start dating casually and not too serious. I needed to get out and be out, meet new people and did just that. Dating to me is just hanging out and having fun, getting to know new and old people and getting my mind off things. At this point that is all I wanted to do, sex or no sex it really didn't matter to me.

So of course I end up meeting someone, while with this intention and things were okay, smooth no real issues. Sex did happen once, then I caught myself and I knew for me at this moment, I didn't want a serious relationship or even a relationship at all. I told this girl the next time we meet up and told her that I am not looking for anything serious. I told her casual is good for me and at a good place right now, focusing on having fun was my ultimate goal when we go out. I told her you can call it dating or just friends, I didn't really care, spending time with her was great, spending too much time together or caring for another, letting my self out there like that, I just wasn't ready to do it. I didn't explain the exact reasons why I didn't want a relationship, I just wanted her to know and not get her hopes up. I don't know if it was me not wanting her that way, I do think if i wanted her that way or had my feels go to that point then maybe I would have, However right now, that wasn't it.

Either way, I told her friends are okay with me, even told her if we end up having a lot of fun and wind down at either each other houses and if we do something, I told her I wouldn't regret it, nor would it be weird for me. Basically hinting at FWB situation but don't have to be. I told her if it's something that we end up doing because we wanted to then we can, it's fun, it relaxes most people however I am not looking for it and it would just be spur of the moment and I don't mind.

So I feel like I made it absolutely clear, we can have FWB but we don't have to. We can just be friends and hang out and that is cool too. She got what I was telling her, she told me that FWB is fine for her as well and that she has no problems with it. She likes hanging out with me, talking, having fun, whatever.

So question to you all is. Can she really do this without feeling more later on down the road? Since that talk we have had sex a few times. Would she change? I guess the simple answer is yes, there is always a chance that she would change and want more than what we have now. When is it a good time to stop so perhaps she stops developing feelings if she ever does?

Marie Hartwell-Walker Ed.D says: Both men and women release oxytocin, the hormone and neurotransmitter, during orgasm. Oxytocin calms us down, soothes our anxieties, and mellows us out. It’s also a key biological factor that bonds people to each other. Some research shows that it is associated with the ability to maintain healthy relationships. This is the hormone that is released during childbirth. It also surges when women nurse their babies. Sometimes called the “cuddle hormone,” it’s what helps parents bond with their babies and women bond with their mates. It’s often what makes a woman start to see a FWB arrangement as meaning more. She bonds. He doesn’t. One day she whispers, “Maybe I love you.” He’s outraged. He’s bummed. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t the deal! Tell that to your hormones.

“ I told her you can call it dating or just friends, I didn't really care”

I would call that clear as mud!

You want her as a friend, fwb, or to date? YOU decide!!!

And stop letting her second guess.

Make up your mind what you want.

It’s unfair to string her along under any of those umbrellas !

Stop being selfish.

“ I told her you can call it dating or just friends, I didn't really care”

 

I would call that clear as mud!

 

You want her as a friend, fwb, or to date? YOU decide!!!

And stop letting her second guess.

 

Make up your mind what you want.

It’s unfair to string her along under any of those umbrellas !

 

Stop being selfish.

Amen. FWB isn’t something you fake, or do for cool points,and given your own emotional sensitivities to suggest she’s the one who’s going to be the emotional mess is laughable. Please see exhibit A:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=549796

This ain’t for you pimpin’

Good to see you out there dating again, it's good therapy.

Will she fall in love? There is a slight chance. It's a whole lot better chance than hitting the lottery! Also, she may already be in love.

For you, there is no problem - since you are on the rebound and can't fall in love, you can't get hurt and have nothing to loose.

Amen. FWB isn’t something you fake, or do for cool points,and given your own emotional sensitivities to suggest she’s the one who’s going to be the emotional mess is laughable. Please see exhibit A:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=549796

 

This ain’t for you pimpin’

post was made about a year ago. Feels like i've came through a bit stronger and at the time i was messed up. I am not messed up right now and more stable as well and history should not repeat itself here. Self improvement where it's been preached many times in this forum, I feel like I accomplished some of it to make me a better person. Perhaps I have not come full circle, but hence it's been a year apart since i've made a post. Good job going through my history though and think you know me, specially from my absence of post for about a year. -pimpin'

How old is she? Some young women might not get the gist of that long winded speech. Depending on your dynamic also or where she is in life she may not be able to engage in an fwb. There's always a risk in sexual relationships or casual relationships that one or both people take it for more than what it's intended to be. There's nothing you can do about that. We can't even control our own emotions. How do you suspect that you would be able to control or predict someone else's?

If this is what you want, just enjoy it for what it is. It doesn't sound to me, though, that you're cut out for it. I'd check in with yourself every now and then and ask yourself whether this is what you really want or whether you're moving more towards wanting something more fulfilling. You may be skirting commitment issues and avoidance behaviours (not willing to face your fears). If you continue on this way indefinitely you are not growing.

No, she won't necessarily become more attached. There's always that chance but it's not a given.

I had a FWB for around a year, a while back now. He was fun, we hung out a bit, saw each other when it was convenient. I never developed feelings for him, and respectfully put an end to it when I met someone I wanted to date.

If you are concerned, dial down the level of contact and keep a healthy distance. Call it off completely if you sense she is falling for you.

...So question to you all is. Can she really do this without feeling more later on down the road? Since that talk we have had sex a few times. Would she change? I guess the simple answer is yes, there is always a chance that she would change and want more than what we have now. When is it a good time to stop so perhaps she stops developing feelings if she ever does?

Yes, there's a chance her feeling might change. There's also a chance that she already has strong feelings for you but has decided not to tell you given what you've told her.

As for your question about timing, that's a really difficult question to answer because executing that plan in reality is going to be really painful and awkward. If you really think you'll have to end things down the road because she'll "fall for you," then don't start dating her (or whatever you want to call it) in the first place.

post was made about a year ago. Feels like i've came through a bit stronger and at the time i was messed up. I am not messed up right now and more stable as well and history should not repeat itself here. Self improvement where it's been preached many times in this forum, I feel like I accomplished some of it to make me a better person. Perhaps I have not come full circle, but hence it's been a year apart since i've made a post. Good job going through my history though and think you know me, specially from my absence of post for about a year. -pimpin'

It’s not thinking I know you.

First your screen name looked familiar.

Second your post came off like a wannabe player, like you’re playing a role you don’t quite know how to fill.

Both of those things prompted me to look at your history.

You sound exactly the same, completely confused about women. You see us as foreign objects instead of people and potential partners.

You are saying one thing while doing another, you don’t know whether you’re coming or going as I said this ain’t for you.

No point in giving me an attitude... the truth remains, this ain’t for you, especially not right now, you need to learn what you want and what your boundaries are and stick to them instead of wandering aimlessly and putting yourself into messy situations. You can potentially hurt someone because you don’t know what up or down is, and I genuinely feel bad for the girl you’re essentially experimenting with...

Pull up your big boy pants, people aren’t toys, game playing has the potential to hurt people, if you don’t want it done to you...as the post I quoted shows... *hint why I quoted it* don’t do it to others, FWB require incredibly strong boundaries and rules, not grey area things that give you a perceived upperhand.

I went through the FWB phase before...and feel like it's immature and selfish.

Every single girl I've ever had that "arrangement" with has fell for me in some way. Like...always. lol. Even if they say they can handle it, deep down, I know they want more.

Sometimes you just have to look out for other people's best interest, because they cannot do so for themselves.

If you know you're not going to be into someone...just hold off on sex. It's JUST sex.

I'd say only time will tell. It's impossible to know whether someone will develop feelings for you or not. It's a common thought to think the more time you spend with someone intimately, the more likely you'll be to grow attached to them. While it's not wrong, it's not necessarily true either. I've been in FWB where I've both fallen for people as well as realised it would never be more than that for me, not that I didn't like them, but just didn't think they'd be long term partner material. The best way to avoid getting in a tricky situation is to be honest with each other. If she gets attached, you'll probably notice in different ways anyway. I wouldn't overthink it at the moment, just enjoy the fun time and sees how the future unfold.

You can't really predict whether or not she's going to want more. She may be perfectly content with the FWB situation, at least for now. Maybe that might change in the future. That's kind of the nature of the situation.... You don't have any commitment so the future is kind of foggy and both parties have to be okay with no future expectations. You either go with the flow or if it bothers you too much... End it.

I just recently got out of a FWB situation with a long time friend. Initially, I did start to develop a bit of a crush on him but I'd think that in most cases that's what's going to make it fun on the girls side of things anyway. He just got divorced so I knew he wasn't ready for anything serious and I hadn't been with anyone intimately in a long time but I wasn't wanting to jump into any serious relationships myself. I thought we were on the same page. We were going to be friends that had sex and no commitment. Sure I had feelings for him but I didn't read any further into it til he start opening his mouth. He kept saying wishy washy things. He'd say things like "I don't know if this will turn into something..." and then also he had me around his kids a couple times and would say that he never brings girls around his kids and he liked that I was nurturing.. babbled about how he was in a good place in life and said part of the reason was because I was his best friend and I could just hang out and also that sometimes we can have sex.. etc. He asked me once if I was sleeping with anyone else and that threw me off guard too. I was not but, my opinion is that's kind of an unfair question to be asking in a FWB situation if there is no strings attached. I addressed my confusion with him and he clarified that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone at all. At the time I would have been open to it going somewhere eventually but I was moreso relieved that I had a real clear answer and knew not to believe anything he said otherwise.

My point of that story was to advise you not to say confusing saying wishy washy things and be very clear! To say you can call it dating or just friends or we can have sex if you want but we don't have to.. etc.. that's sending out mixed signals. Make sure you two are on the same page and keep thoughts of futures and what ifs to yourself unless you are absolutely sure you want to be in a relationship. If you just want to have relax and have fun treat it that way!

I went through the FWB phase before...and feel like it's immature and selfish.

 

Every single girl I've ever had that "arrangement" with has fell for me in some way. Like...always. lol. Even if they say they can handle it, deep down, I know they want more.

 

Sometimes you just have to look out for other people's best interest, because they cannot do so for themselves.

 

If you know you're not going to be into someone...just hold off on sex. It's JUST sex.

That's been my experience, too.

Since you were crystal clear about the agreement and all the cards are on the table, this is her responsibility. Just make sure you don' catch feelings, if it's not what you are looking for.

When is it a good time to stop so perhaps she stops developing feelings if she ever does?

OP, yes she may want more, but then again, so might you, right ?

I've read posts from men claiming this very thing - that they were the ones who wanted more, when in the beginning, they swore they never would.

No one can predict what's down the road including how you will either.

Edit to my previous post:

No one can predict what's down the road including how you will feel either.

And IF she develops feelings of wanting more, she's a big girl, she will deal with it.

You deal with yours if you find down the road you want more.