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Thread: Boyfriends' past

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse

    What she's uneasy about is the aftermath. I've been encouraging her to rebuild a trustful and more loving connection and continuing open communication with her boyfriend. Repair that trust and keep reaffirming the love for each other.
    Gosh debating about this was the last thing on my agenda today :) but I just wanted to address this^ before I sign off.

    I don’t disagree with the above quote Rose; short of ending the relationship, it's great advice. Probably would have been helpful to advise her how to go about doing that though because ...

    Being that she herself has acknowledged her own trust issues, which existed way before this guy came along (per her previous threads), it’s only a matter of time before another issue(s) pops up that she will feel “uneasy” about, either from his past or his present.

    Again, I don’t think she is “wrong” for feeling “uneasy” as you referred to it. We're all entitled to feel however we feel.

    What’s “wrong” imo, and not a respectful way to approach such uneasiness, is the way she chose to respond to it. Through confrontation, demands, shame (and yes it was most definitely shame) and disgust.

    I respect your opinion Rose but I simply cannot believe you found the way she chose to approach it, by confronting, demanding he tell her “everything”, the shame, the disgust, acceptable no matter what's he done in the past.

    You advised her earlier to continue with her “kindness.” Regardless of her boyfriend’s behavior in the past, how is anything re how she chose to address her uneasiness with him “kind”?

    Can you clarify your thought process about that? I'd really like to understand, thanks.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-17-2019 at 02:37 PM.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Katrina, the difference between you and I is that I have chosen not to read so harshly or deeply into the initial reactions of the OP. That's where we differ. I have also chosen not to read her initial post at face value and have interpreted it differently taking her emotions and her current frame of mind into context. I am not stuck on those minute details charged with emotion. I am acknowledging where she's coming from and she has updated her emotional state on page 3 as well, bottom of the page.

    As I mentioned I've acknowledged that her initial reactions are emotional and she's really entitled to feeling that way given the circumstances, or any circumstances for that matter. I'm a proponent for listening to one's gut feelings and not dampening them for any reason. I don't think it's useful (in my opinion) to break down the OP when she is already in an emotional state. Whether she's demanded any information is her prerogative. The boyfriend, after all, is an adult in his own right and is fully capable of walking away from a "demanding" or confrontational relationship that doesn't suit him. The most that we can do is encourage a healthier and less antagonistic way for the couple to approach the situation and work on their relationship together.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Or to respect your partner's privacy and right to it regardless.

  4. #44
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    Eh, the lack of maturity and the disproportionately high insecurity will likely be the undoing of your relationship, OP.

    The way you two have handled this entire debacle is telling in and of itself. The dynamic between you and him is already off and I think you are going to find it very difficult to come back from this. Him, too.

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    That's a good point, jman. I think it's up to them to decide what's appropriate or not regarding rights to privacy but it doesn't seem like this is the case for the particular situation (although a case for it can be made!). The biggest issues, in my mind, to the OP seem to be too much privacy especially at a stage perhaps where they should be open enough to know each other further. Isn't this what dating is about? That's the issue she was having with. How are we to fall in love and know our partners if we don't have the full picture of what they have been about or are about or what kind of goals or aspirations they may have?

    Having said that, I don't think it's healthy or a good idea to fixate on a partner's past. This is why I've kept encouraging healthier communication and resisting the urge to ask too many further details about Hannah as a person now that she's out of the picture. It's healthier (to me) that the couple focus on themselves and rebuilding that trust.

  7. #46
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse

    I don't think it's useful (in my opinion) to break down the OP when she is already in an emotional state.
    First off, I don't see how anyone is doing that (breaking her down), and second, I don't think it's useful to coddle her either (which is what you're doing imo).

    Disregarding her extremely unhealthy and disrespectful response to her own uneasiness in how she chose to approach it with him, under the guise of "she's entitled to be demanding (controlling, shaming, etc) that's her prerogative."

    Sure we're all entitled to be whatever we want to be, that's our right as human beings, it doesn't mean it's right, or healthy or the correct way to foster a mutually-rewarding, loving, respectful and healthy relationship with our partners.

    Encouraging that only fosters more distrust, and unhealthy communication.

    However, that said I do agree that he is an adult and has the right to reject such an approach, which apparently he has chosen not to.

    So perhaps reinvent was correct in what she posted earlier, this is their dynamic, and it it works for them, so be it.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-17-2019 at 03:31 PM.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    First off, I don't see how anyone is doing that (breaking her down), and second, I don't think it's useful to coddle her either (which is what you're doing imo).

    Disregarding her extremely unhealthy and disrespectful response to her own uneasiness in how she chose to approach it with him, under the guise of "we're all entitled to be demanding, controlling, that's her prerogative." Sure we're all entitled to be whatever we want to be, that's our right as a human being, it doesn't mean it's right, or healthy or the correct way to foster a mutually-rewarding and healthy relationship.

    I am sorry, that's just bad and irresponsible advice imo, and only fosters more distrust, and unhealthy communication.

    However, that said I do agree that he is an adult and has the right to reject such an approach, which apparently he has chosen not to.

    So perhaps reinvent was correct in what she posted earlier, this is their dynamic, and it it works for them, so be it.
    I'm not sure where she displayed anything unhealthy, demanding or controlling. I didn't read that in her version of events. She expressed distrust and unease but she didn't seem demanding or controlling to me at all. Being assertive is important in a relationship and knowing when to assert that it's her business to know is what I'm emphasizing. This is what dating is all about - finding out more about each other and not being shy or skirting around the fact that it is her business to know. I'm unsure why we are victimizing the boyfriend in the first place by using terms like demanding or controlling to describe the OP.

  9. #48
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse

    I'm unsure why we are victimizing the boyfriend in the first place by using terms like demanding or controlling to describe the OP.
    Ok fair enough Rose. Perhaps this is nothing more than you see it (how she chose to approach her unease with him) one way, and I (and others) see it another.

    Which is fine! And I apologize if you felt I was unfairly challenging you (if you were), that wasn't my intention, I was simply seeking understanding of your thought process.

    I actually thought this was a great debate, very respectful, and I appreciate your taking the time to respond.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Ok fair enough Rose. Perhaps this is nothing more than you see it (how she chose to approach her unease with him) one way, and I (and others) see it another.

    Which is fine! And I apologize if you felt I was unfairly challenging you (if you were), that wasn't my intention, I was simply seeking understanding of your thought process.

    I actually thought this was a great debate, very respectful, and I appreciate your taking the time to respond.
    Not at all. I like debating with you. I'm not sure where the idea that I felt I was being unfairly challenged has come from (I haven't thought that about our interactions at all). I do think calling other poster's or member's thoughts irresponsible is a way of invalidating someone else's point of view and I don't consider that welcome or fair treatment of each other as equal members on the forum. I also appreciate your responses as a whole and value your insight, Katrina.

  11. #50
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    ^^Yeah re an opinion being "irresponsible," I agree and I modified my post, deleting that, and adding more thoughts.

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