Boyfriends' past

Me (28) and my boyfriend (27) have been in a relationship for 7 months. We both live in London and we are from Greece. He told me he was single for 8 years before me, meaning there were girls he was seeing during this time but he never asked any girl to be his gf.

And one day he also told me that last time he had sex was May 2018 and it was with a girl called Hannah who he was previously seeing. He said it happened when he visited Greece for a week, Hannah messaged him, they met up, both got drunk and had sex. A week later when he got back to London, he found out that Hannah had sex with his friend (Sean) a year before and thats when he deleted her from all her social media accouts. He told me that he learned it from Sean and he felt disgusted to do things with a girl like that.

Two weeks ago, I realised that he had lots of pictures with girls (specially with Hannah) from 2014 to 2016. I decided to ask him about this girl how long they have been together etc, because I always felt that he witheld information regarding his past.

He told me he knew her since 2013 but they only had sex in 2017 and 2018, it was just sex, she was noone important etc. It didnt make sense to me because they had so many pictures starting from 2014 to 2016. I told him right away that something doesnt feel right, I confronted him about the pics and asked him to tell me everything.

He agreed to tell me everything, we met up - He told me that he had sex with her in summer 2014, summer 2015 and summer 2016 (although she had a boyfriend that time), he met her in 2017 but they didnt have sex, and they had sex once in May 2018 - It was always when both of them were in Greece for summers. they were going clubing with same group of friends and having sex sometimes. (Hannah lives in north UK). Also, he said that Hannah messaged him on messenger in February asking him why he deleted her etc but he deleted the conversation because he was afraid that i will see it. He said that Hannah had sex with two of his best friends before him (in 2012 and 2013), she was a slag, she was just sex to him etc. and he didnt want to tell me because everything was going perfect between us and he was afraid of how I will perceive him (he said you are not a girl like that), and afraid of losing me.

I wanted time to think about all this, I couldnt even talk I was so dissapointed. He was extremely upset and he had tears in his eyes. When we spoke 3 days later about this again, he said he had feelings for her but sexual, they enjoyed each others company and had attraction but she was only sex and noone to him. he said she was just easy sex. He said she is oppoite of what he always wanted (me) and he doesnt want to lose me because of this. He told me he will do anything to earn my trust again, he gave me his phones password, he even messaged Hannah to send him the screenshot of the last converstion they had on messenger (her asking him why he deleted her, and her answer was "its ridiculous that you are having to do this, tell your girlfriend there is nothing to be paranoid, I can talk to her and tell her if you want, I dont have my phone with me right now, etc etc" and she didnt send it) just so he can prove me there is nothing I should worry about. He said we can even start from zero, getting to know each other etc. He apologised, said he will never lie to me again and I can ask him anything anytime and he will answer.

I cant stop thinking about it since last week:

1) He lied to me, we always said we will be honest with each other and honesty is the most important thing to me in life. Now I am thinking if he cant be his true self with me then are we really for each other? How can I know he will not lie again?

2) I am disgusted about the fact that he had sex with a girl like that. Previously he said that for the last two years he had so many chances to have sex with girls but he didnt because he wanted a girlfriend but on the other hand he kept having sex with a girl who had sex with everyone in his friend group (all his close friends). To me this is wrong on so many levels. If he can have sex with a girl like that then he can have sex with anyone. Plus in 2016 he had sex with her knowing that she has a bf. there are so many things that I find disgusting. How can I know that he will not do it again? How can I know that when he they are both in Greece again, she want seduce him? Clearly he felt extremetly allured to her.

I admit I have trust issues - I genuinely started to trust him before this but right now I am having mixed emotions. I know that after we started dating he didnt do anything wrong cheat or anything. I know he values me a lot. But on the other hand I feel that he decieved me. Perhaps if i knew about this girl from the beginning I would develop feelings accordingly or perhaps I would not continue dating him.

But right now, after 7 months, I am forced to make a decision, and it's so difficult.

Any opinions and advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.

Unfortunately he can't change his past. He omitted the gory details, because generally that is private, in the past and TMI. Yet you asked him about every detail of it and now have doubts. You can hold his past over his head and be miserable or you can tell yourself 'it's in the last let it go'. If you think he lacks character or integrity consider breaking up.

I decided to ask him about this girl how long they have been together etc, because I always felt that he witheld information regarding his past.

 

I confronted him about the pics and asked him to tell me everything.

Unfortunately he can't change his past. He omitted the gory details, because generally that is private, in the past and TMI. Yet you asked him about every detail of it and now have doubts. You can hold his past over his head and be miserable or you can tell yourself 'it's in the last let it go'. If you think he lacks character or integrity consider breaking up.

yup.... why did you ask about details anyways???? That confuses me the most.

yup.... why did you ask about details anyways???? That confuses me the most.

because he seemed to be lying and I wanted to know why.

My advice is to do him a favor and dump him. I have zero respect for any man or woman who would shame a partner for their harmless and completely consensual sexual or romantic history, nor do I people who would persistently badger them for completely private details you have absolutely no entitlement to. Only thing guy did wrong was not telling you to stuff it right off the bat.

her answer was "its ridiculous that you are having to do this, tell your girlfriend there is nothing to be paranoid, I can talk to her and tell her if you want, I dont have my phone with me right now, etc etc"

If you don't like it, leave him. But don't lord over him, shame him for having some level of respect for his own past and privacy, and consequently go through his phone and emails. And stop stalking his photos from 2013. It's ****ing weird.

My advice is to do him a favor and dump him. I have zero respect for any man or woman who would shame a partner for their harmless and completely consensual sexual or romantic history, nor do I people who would persistently badger them for completely private details you have absolutely no entitlement to. Only thing guy did wrong was not telling you to stuff it right off the bat.

 

She's right, and I hope he lets it sink in.

 

If you don't like it, leave him. But don't lord over him, shame him for having some level of respect for his own past and privacy, and consequently go through his phone and emails. And stop stalking his photos from 2013. It's ****ing weird.

I didnt ask for a narrative of his dating life or all details of his encounters with that girl. I didn't require details, he maybe overshared. I didnt need the details about her having sex with all his friends. all I wanted was him saying they were seeing each other on and off for couple of years as it can be clearly seen from his social media account - instead of him lying to me.

I just wanted to know the basics, and that he trusts me with his past. I also wanted to know that he can talk about anything without it getting weird. If we cant openly talk about anything then whats the point?

Also, looking at your bf's social media account or someone you start to date is completely normal in my opinion. You try to get to know them and social media gives you ideas about what they have been up to (to some extent).

Dump him!

Because you will only cause him more misery.

You are so judgemental.

Your “bf” doesn’t like your judgemental ways or your snooping and has to defend his actions to you even though he didn’t know you existed then???

A girl like “that?”

What about a girl like you???

Do you think your behaviour is more attractive than hers? Think about it!?

@ Billie28 If he thinks I am judgemental, then why didnt he dumb me and instead hided information from me just so I can continue being with him then? Is it to much to ask transparency in a relationship? I dont understand.

You sound very judgemental and controlling, his/her past is really none of your business, asking all these details is very intrusive. I agree with J Man, the only thing he did wrong was not telling you to keep your nose out. If your partner is tiptoeing around you with half truths for fear of how you might react that is very unhealthy.

How do you know the years and so many details of his sexual history with this girl, where she lived, what years they slept together?!?! Very obsessive to have recorded all these details in your mind.

In fairness he sounds pretty hypocritical and judgemental himself, calling her a slag etc, potentially in an effort to appease you. I find it quite odd that you are questioning what he is capable of when your behaviour is very far from exemplary.

He didn't hide information. It's information you have no right or even cause to have. Now you're trying to gaslight him for your morbidly intrusive tendencies.

100% agree with everything everyone said. Guess what, before your boyfriend was with you, he could do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. He was single then or seeing other women. He had ZERO commitment to you before you were dating. It's quite invasive of you to ask him all these questions, like exactly what year he slept with whom, etc. He's not even obliged to tell you any of that, but even if he does tell you, you have no right to judge because he has done nothing wrong. So what if that girl slept with all his friends? I guess he just enjoys sex with her, as he told you. He was single and having casual fun with her. You don't know this girl at all, never met her, yet you are shaming her. If you want someone who's a virgin and never been with anyone before you then by all means go and look for a person like that. Yeah your boyfriend was not saving himself sexually for you, he has been with other women before you. That's just the reality of life.

I didnt ask for a narrative of his dating life or all details of his encounters with that girl. I didn't require details, he maybe overshared. I didnt need the details about her having sex with all his friends. all I wanted was him saying they were seeing each other on and off for couple of years as it can be clearly seen from his social media account - instead of him lying to me.

 

I just wanted to know the basics, and that he trusts me with his past. I also wanted to know that he can talk about anything without it getting weird. If we cant openly talk about anything then whats the point?

 

Also, looking at your bf's social media account or someone you start to date is completely normal in my opinion. You try to get to know them and social media gives you ideas about what they have been up to (to some extent).

j.man and others are 100% correct in their assessments.

Why are you backtracking? Changing history?

>>He told me he knew her since 2013 but they only had sex in 2017 and 2018, it was just sex, she was noone important etc. It didnt make sense to me because they had so many pictures starting from 2014 to 2016. I told him right away that something doesnt feel right, I confronted him about the pics and asked him to tell me everything.

This^ was from your original post, you can't take it back now because you don't like/can't handle the truth of what j.man and others posted.

You're not "wrong" for feeling uncomfortable about his past, you are entitled to those feelings, what you're wrong about is "confronting" him and demanding he tell you "everything" and then shaming him for what you yourself demanded he tell you.

Which no matter how you want to spin this, is exactly what you did.

If you're not comfortable with his past, think he's a liar and don't trust him, for the love of g, dump him and move on!

That's what you do when dating and not ok with certain things, and lack trust.

You don't confront, demand, shame. You end it, period. And look for someone who's a better fit.

I don't know where some folks learned this is acceptable behaviour but it's not. It's controlling and manipulative.

And lastly, get help for your own trust issues, which were alive and kicking way before this guy came along.

Which imo is the real issue because if you did not have such "trust issues," your need to confront and demand that he tell you everything would not have happened in the first place.

What do you need, a virgin?! Good luck with that!

What happens in the past is the past, and does not matter.

What matters is, he is in love with you now, and good people in love are naturally monogamous.

So basically the issue here is....what, exactly? That your adult boyfriend had sex with people before you? That, like a zillion men and women before him, he had what sounds like a pretty chill and consensual FWB thing before he knew you breathed air on planet Earth?

You say you didn't want a Wikipedia entry on his sex life, but how'd it all come up? I'm genuinely curious to understand, because it sounds like he was honest with you from the get go. Told you he was a single dude dating around before he met you—end scene. For most people. But not end scene for you because a few photos on his social media feed upset you? Because you somehow saw his photo cache in a computer and—call the morality cops!—there was evidence that he knew girls before knowing you?

Everything you've said about Hannah fits into what he'd told you: single for a while, some dating, no official girlfriends. So where is this lie you keep bringing up? I honestly can't find anything close to "deception."

The irony here, as others have pointed out, is that the mature one in this scenario is Hannah, who sees this all for what it is: ridiculous. I feel bad for her, being judged for being a single woman who dated around, did her thing. Doesn't sound like she has any shame in it, and she shouldn't. Too bad some of the dudes she's been with—your boyfriend, Sean—are self-hating hypocrites and misogynists. People bounce around a bit in their 20s, their 30s, their 40s—whatever. It's a pretty boring story because it's the story of basically every human being around your age.

You're entitled to your feelings, as everyone is. You're not entitled to weaponize them; no one is. In terms of advice, I think you should break up with him. It's the kind and mature thing to do—for yourself and for him. You both have deeply unhealthy views of sex that need to be resolved before you're able to be intimate—emotionally, I mean—with another adult.

For some reason he feels shame about his past; if he didn't, if he was accepting of himself, he would have already broken up with you so he could find a woman who will cherish and accept him for who he is and where he's been, without needing a confidential dossier. He wouldn't be talking about you as being some form of atonement for his past: the "good" girl to scrub clean his "bad" past. Ugh.

And I'd suggest you take a moment to decide what you really need in a partner. If it's someone who is a virgin or who you need a play-by-play of every sexual encounter prior to "trusting" them—well, put those things out there from hour one. But I think the answer—the sense of peace and security you're looking for—will come when you explore and get a handle on those "trust issues" you mentioned. Until then I suspect you'll find they become a big issue that prevents you from connecting romantically.

j.man and others are 100% correct in their assessments.

 

Why are you backtracking? Changing history?

 

>>He told me he knew her since 2013 but they only had sex in 2017 and 2018, it was just sex, she was noone important etc. It didnt make sense to me because they had so many pictures starting from 2014 to 2016. I told him right away that something doesnt feel right, I confronted him about the pics and asked him to tell me everything.

 

This^ was from your original post, you can't take it back now because you don't like/can't handle the truth of what j.man and others posted.

 

You're not "wrong" for feeling uncomfortable about his past, you are entitled to those feelings, what you're wrong about is "confronting" him and demanding he tell you "everything" and then shaming him for what you yourself demanded he tell you.

 

Which no matter how you want to spin this, is exactly what you did.

 

If you're not comfortable with his past, think he's a liar and don't trust him, for the love of g, dump him and move in!

 

I don't know where some folks learned this is acceptable behaviour but it's not. It's controlling and manipulative.

 

And lastly, get help for your own trust issues, which were alive and kicking way before this guy came along.

 

Which imo is the real issue because if you did not have such "trust issues," your need to confront and demand that he tell you everything would not have happened in the first place.

I am not changing history. its just that with him I speak in Greek and when you translate it might be not what I told him in Greek. I told him to tell me the truth about her instead of telling the half truth. Thats what I meant by "I said to him to tell me everyting". I can always handle thr truth after processing it and thats the reason I post here. I am reading and processing what everyone is saying.

 

Everything you've said about Hannah fits into what he'd told you: single for a while, some dating, no official girlfriends. So where is this lie you keep bringing up? I honestly can't find anything close to "deception."

 

.

He told me he had sex with her last year and in 2017. That was the lie I am talking about. He had sex with her since 2014. And that's why all the history and dates came up, I asked him to be honest with me. I wanted to understand why he lied to me. I didnt give him any reasion to lie. Never judged or criticised him before.

 

The irony here, as others have pointed out, is that the mature one in this scenario is Hannah, who sees this all for what it is: ridiculous. I feel bad for her, being judged for being a single woman who dated around, did her thing. Doesn't sound like she has any shame in it, and she shouldn't. Too bad some of the dudes she's been with—your boyfriend, Sean—are self-hating hypocrites and misogynists. People bounce around a bit in their 20s, their 30s, their 40s—whatever. It's a pretty boring story because it's the story of basically every human being around your age.

 

She had sex with my bf OR my bf had sex with her when she had a boyfriend.

That is not a lie.

He didn't feel like giving you a rundown of every encounter, and you know what? That's fine, even mature. I suspect he left out some details because (a) he's already pretty tuned into the fact that you struggle to accept that people have sexual pasts and (b) he's got his own guilt issues to resolve about some casual sex in his past.

A and B, in the above equation, are the variables that have led you both into a toxic relationship. You each found an insecurity with in the other, and now you're poking at them—you actively, him passively.

Some part of him—the part of him who deems his past "disgusting"—wants to be shamed, and in you he has found the perfect person for that. You take a little self-hating cell inside of him and multiply it. That's your dynamic. Probably has been since day one, but it was a bit cloaked by early sweetness. Now it's out in the open, twisting you both in knots.

You should both be with people who are accepting of each other. End this so you can have that. It feels much better.

"Two weeks ago, I realised that he had lots of pictures with girls (specially with Hannah) from 2014 to 2016."

How did you "realise" this? You saw pictures where? On his social media? So this means you went back FIVE YEARS on his social media to snoop his pics?

Are you always this insecure?

She had sex with my bf OR my bf had sex with her when she had a boyfriend.

sg, bottom line none of that matters.

>>And lastly, get help for your own trust issues, which were alive and kicking way before this guy came along. Which imo is the real issue because if you did not have such "trust issues," your need to confront and demand that he tell you everything would not have happened in the first place.

I'm re-posting this^ for emphasis because at the end of the day, this is all that matters.

And unless and until you seek help and/or get a handle on your trust issues, this will continue happening in all your subsequent relationdhips, guaranteed.

Best of luck.

Seriously I am trying to be not rude and be constructive but it's difficult because truth be told you are very unreasonable OP. You have some very convoluted ideas about relationships. You are also very disproportionately jealous where there is no need to be jealous.

I'm not sure how you were brought up, how many people you've slept with, whether you are religious, etc. But the fact that you were saying that it bothered You that your boyfriend had slept with Hannah, "a girl like that" (meaning promiscuous) is very judgemental and also most people would not be bothered by something like that. For one thing, it doesn't make someone a bad person just because they were having casual sex. Hannah is not some kind of monster. Neither is your boyfriend.

Secondly, your boyfriend has not exactly lied to you, he has told you everything you asked. Who cares what years he was having sex with her? Before he met you, even if he'd had sex with her like the day before meeting you, that does not matter because he was single. He even told you that Hannah didn't mean more than a friend to him and it was just sex. I don't know what else you want from him.

I understand feeling jealousy if you see photos of other women on your boyfriend's Facebook from his past but he's not exactly required to delete them all. Some of these women were not even his ex's but were just friends with benefits. So he probably hadn't even thought to delete the photos as it didn't mean that much to him.

Take a deep breath and try and come away from all those clamouring emotions and thoughts that are whirling around you. It's very difficult to think straight when we are in a whirlwind of emotions, especially ones involving betrayal and trust. I know what that devastation feels like and your first emotions may be sheer anger and revulsion.

I don't think you have trust issues. You just had an impression of your boyfriend because he was slow to share his past history with you. He should never have withheld such information from you or been slow to share his past. In future, use this as a learning experience and don't stand up for any individual who isn't forthright about their past. You are NOT to blame in this situation and don't take it upon yourself to make excuses for his poor representation of himself.

Regarding the information he has shared with you, I'd have a second look at your boyfriend's words and treatment of women. This is not going to be a dialogue about oppression but you should recognize that his language suggests he's more than used women for sex in the past (we have all had sexual encounters or fwbs or at least most of us have). Calling her names like 'slag' or are not acceptable. I would be appalled if my husband or partner spoke about his exes that way and of course he's had one offs or fwbs as have I in the past. It's absolutely no excuse to look down on another person or be hypocritical. What does that make him then? I'd open up this conversation and instead of being angry with him that he has a past, ask him why he refers to such women this way. It does affect you and your relationship and you should be mindful of how your partner treats people. He potentially held back information from you about his past because he was judgmental of others and himself in a damaging way. That has affected you.

Go into this open-eyed and open-eared and resist the urge to blame him for anything. He hasn't done anything wrong in living his life but I'd really encourage more respect for each other and more respect for others in your language with each other going forward.

The way that we choose to use our language is utterly pervasive and is indicative of other deep-seated issues. Using respectful and mindful language around each other and in referring to others can indicate any number of ideas or thoughts and it conveys whether we have respect for others and ourselves. If your boyfriend cannot respect women or his own actions of the past, he will not be able to fully respect you as a partner, a woman or a human being. Please remember that.

Rose, sg admitted herself she has trust issues in her original post.

I would not have posted what I did if she hadn't.

I'm mentioning that she does not have trust issues. I think she is insecure and under the influence of a lot of emotions and feeling distrustful right now but it's not correct to jump on an OP's mention of this and blow it up into something one-sided. Her boyfriend has contributed to the situation as well as I've written about in my previous post above.

Agree to disagree Rose and will leave it at that..

Except to say I didn't "jump all over it," or "blow it up," I think they're quite relevant, her trust issues have been apparent throughout many of her threads/posts on this forum.

She has admitted to it.

But you're entitled to your opinion, and choosing to leave it at that.