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Thread: Boyfriends' past

  1. #31
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    What a hypocrite. He can have sex with multiple people, but when she does it, she is a "slag." Ugh!

    " I am disgusted about the fact that he had sex with a girl like that." Why is it okay for him to be with multiple people ? You should be equally disgusted.

    I hope that you have both been tested and always use condoms?

  2. #32
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sensitivegirl0
    I said to him I will be by his side as long as he is honest with me. But I cant stop thinking about this whole thing. He is sensitve and I dont want to break his heart by saying harsh words regarding what happened.
    Carry on with your kindness but I wouldn't suggest keeping this bottled up to yourself. He is vulnerable at this time and shared his past with you. If you are committed to him and really care about him, I'd open this up a bit more and engage with each other. Both of you should establish this relationship as a safe place. It was interpreted as an unsafe place by your boyfriend because of whatever issues or guilt he had prior. You have the opportunity to guide this in a different direction and encourage a more loving and communicative space.

    I'd resist the urge to ask any specific questions about Hannah in general and if you're not comfortable with their friendship, just make it known to him. It seems he's already responded to you and agrees with you that any communication or friendship with her is inappropriate in your relationship. Both of you have to trust each other that there are no third parties and there will be no other third parties in the future. Start creating that safer place, open the communication lines and start bonding and expressing your love for each other. This is not the end of the world, merely a small pothole in the road. Stay positive and reaffirm your love and trust in each other. That feeling of distrust will fade with better communication and greater respect between each other.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse

    This seems a little too one-sided for my liking ...
    Yes and no disrespect Rose, but some of your posts are also one-sided and not to everyone's liking either - it's called having an opinion, which is why we're all here, giving opinions.

    The OP takes them all in and then ultimately decides what's best for her/him. There is really no "one size fits all" or a right or wrong.

    Sadly, it appears to be the norm that an OP will reject any opinion that disagrees with her/his own version of events, and hangs tightly to the opinion that suits her.

    That's their right of course but sort of defeats the purpose of starting a thread imo.

    Again, wish you the best of luck sg, I hope it all works out the way you hope.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sensitivegirl0
    Since they have been having sex for a long time sex must be so good, what if he wants to have sex with her again I said to myself. I asked him twice, and both times he lied until last week I confronted him and demanded the truth. So the reason why I did that is because he wasnt open with me from the beginning.
    I'm confused.

    When I read this what I see is some misdirected emotional thinking. I'm sure every girlfriend I've ever had has had fantastic sex with a man who is not me, for instance. I sure hope so, at least. What a bummer if they've been having lousy sex.

    To which I don't say: Drats—will she want to have sex with that man again? No, what I say is: Great! That's been part of her journey, her awakening, her discovery of what she likes and doesn't like, her understanding of the glory that is to be cherished and desired. And now she has entered my life, is with me, and I get to benefit from that past journey as we continue ours together.

    So what I don't understand is what you "confronted" him about, what truth was "demanded." Was it whether he wanted to have sex with Hannah again? Because, if so, that's just catastrophic thinking being weaponized in a destructive manner—to you, to him, to your bond.

    While I understand shadiness about the past can be grating, I'm also really struggling to understand what his "shadiness" looked like. At some point you asked him who was the last person he was with, and when, and you got the Hannah-boyfriend-Sean story, the story of Hannah being blocked. Some young, drunken entanglements. Sounds pretty forthcoming to me. Then you "realized" there were photos of her, asked more questions, got more answers. Again, I'm not seeing shadiness. I'm just seeing answers you don't like and/or some kind of deep-seeded urge to prove that he's a scoundrel—to prove, maybe, that he is more conforming to some preexisting fear about men or relationships than the exception.

    Maybe you can help me understand why you felt he was being shady. You got the Cliff's Notes version early about his past, and now you have the Forensic Files. They both tell the exact same story he led with: single for a bit, some fun here and there that didn't lead to a label. Seems that everything has been out there—out of the shade—from day one.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Yes and no disrespect Rose, but some of your posts are also one-sided and not to everyone's liking either - it's called having an opinion, which is why we're all here, giving opinions.

    The OP takes them all in and then ultimately decides what's best for her/him. There is really no "one size fits all" or a right or wrong.

    Sadly, it appears to be the norm that an OP will reject any opinion that disagrees with her/his own version of events, and hangs tightly to the opinion that suits her.

    That's their right of course but sort of defeats the purpose of starting a thread imo.

    Again, wish you the best of luck sg, I hope it all works out the way you hope.
    I think the purpose of responding to a thread is maintaining some modicum of respect to all parties involved. What I appreciate is disagreement and agreement (open discussion of the matter at hand) and focusing on topics provided by the OP. When it comes to disrespecting another poster's opinions or points on the matter or undermining someone else's chance to speak or the overall character of another member on the forum, that's when I draw the line. It's inappropriate for a public forum and even breaks some of the rules.

    We are all here to listen to each other. There are times when the OP has completely disregarded or not even responded to what I've written. I've not made a big deal about it.

    I am not the OP and I have found some of the responses very insulting to anyone's intelligence and quite offensive or abrasive in general. I don't think that's necessary.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It feels more like a shyt test she actively went in search of. Seeing people aren't carrying a Rolodex of dates and times they laid down next to people in their past, anyone is sure to fail this test. Besides, the way she goes about it would scare me into tripping up on dates and times myself because most people arent subjected to this type of inquisition.

    Do you inquire about peoples pasts? sure - in a cliff notes sort of way. That's part of discovery and getting to know someone. At the same time you are never entitled to it.

    But the very intimate details of what happened before they ever laid eyes on each other - are respectfully his.
    Her persecution feels more like a form of conditioning.
    Her accounting of how she rewarded him for basically vomiting every detail made me cringe.
    To each their own. Maybe this works for them.

    Came back to add that I suspect most men have romped with an equally free willed girl at least once in their lifetime. Not sure how that makes them bad people. But she's entitled to her opinion and her values.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 05-17-2019 at 01:37 PM.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'm confused.

    When I read this what I see is some misdirected emotional thinking. I'm sure every girlfriend I've ever had has had fantastic sex with a man who is not me, for instance. I sure hope so, at least. What a bummer if they've been having lousy sex.

    To which I don't say: Drats—will she want to have sex with that man again? No, what I say is: Great! That's been part of her journey, her awakening, her discovery of what she likes and doesn't like, her understanding of the glory that is to be cherished and desired. And now she has entered my life, is with me, and I get to benefit from that past journey as we continue ours together.

    So what I don't understand is what you "confronted" him about, what truth was "demanded." Was it whether he wanted to have sex with Hannah again? Because, if so, that's just catastrophic thinking being weaponized in a destructive manner—to you, to him, to your bond.

    While I understand shadiness about the past can be grating, I'm also really struggling to understand what his "shadiness" looked like. At some point you asked him who was the last person he was with, and when, and you got the Hannah-boyfriend-Sean story, the story of Hannah being blocked. Some young, drunken entanglements. Sounds pretty forthcoming to me. Then you "realized" there were photos of her, asked more questions, got more answers. Again, I'm not seeing shadiness. I'm just seeing answers you don't like and/or some kind of deep-seeded urge to prove that he's a scoundrel—to prove, maybe, that he is more conforming to some preexisting fear about men or relationships than the exception.

    Maybe you can help me understand why you felt he was being shady. You got the Cliff's Notes version early about his past, and now you have the Forensic Files. They both tell the exact same story he led with: single for a bit, some fun here and there that didn't lead to a label. Seems that everything has been out there—out of the shade—from day one.
    Spot on blue, well said!

    I also had the same concerns but went in a different direction. That being, when this sort of distrust and insecurity is present, whether it's based on your past, or something your partner is doing -- leave the relationship, focus on yourself to determine where the distrust/insecurity is coming from, attempt to resolve those issues on your own or with the help of a qualified professional, and then eventually seek out a partner who is a better fit, and who enhances your already secure and fulfilling life.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Imo, his past is not an issue. What I would have an issue with is that a) it seems that he lies when he feels cornered b) he was ok having sex with another man's girlfriend c) he sounds like a judgemental hypocrite, calling her a slag when he is no better. At the end of the day you have to decide whether your values are compatible. If you can empathise with the aforementioned, it's all good. If you can't, then it's a no go. Imo, the problem is not his past, it's the lack of character when he feels cornered. However, not everyone would perceive it as such and some people are more forgiving than others. You need to decide whether you are ok with the aforementioned or not.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I took issue with the OP's situation because Hannah was still a friend or in connection on social media with her boyfriend while the OP had no idea they had a past sexual or romantic history. In the OP's posts, this is what I interpreted as inappropriate and caused the break down in trust.

    Hannah insisted on keeping in contact with the OP's boyfriend and disregarded his girlfriend's requests, pleading with him not to delete her as a friend. This was inappropriate on Hannah's part considering the boyfriend is attached and should have left the decision to her friend(ex romantic interest -the boyfriend) in the first place. The OP's boyfriend made a decision and stuck with it regarding letting Hannah go for good.

    The result is the OP feeling a bit put out and wondering why she had to be a part of this drama or rigmarole in the first place and why her boyfriend possibly didn't just out with the Hannah friendship/past history and get rid of her a long time ago. I would be wondering the same thing. It's the aftermath that the OP is struggling with. In her last post (page 3) she's already made peace with the past that her boyfriend shared with her.

    What she's uneasy about is the aftermath. I've been encouraging her to rebuild a trustful and more loving connection and continuing open communication with her boyfriend. Repair that trust and keep reaffirming the love for each other.

  11. #40
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I have to ask: Is this the same guy who, when you first felt a little sizzle back in Oct, you were concerned about dating because he might not want to marry you within the next 3-4 years? The same guy who, when he went to Thailand before you were exclusive, unnerved you by following new women on Instagram? Who, even then, was for one reason or another already sending you "proof" that he was being "good" in the form of screenshots of above-board exchanges with women? The same guy who, in Jan, upset you by going away for a weekend when you were deep in your thesis? The same guy who, back in Feb, you'd opted to break up with because he was following naked Instagram models?

    If so, how much more do you want to take?

    Putting aside any opinions—about maybe you're being a bit too x, him a bit too y—this just sounds exhausting, more like a chemistry experiment than, well, the kind of chemistry that evolves into a fun and healthy relationship. Where some people have "issues inside a relationship," others have "relationships built on issues."

    I'd maybe take a moment to really ask yourself which one this is.

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