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Thread: Boyfriends' past

  1. #21
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    Seriously I am trying to be not rude and be constructive but it's difficult because truth be told you are very unreasonable OP. You have some very convoluted ideas about relationships. You are also very disproportionately jealous where there is no need to be jealous.

    I'm not sure how you were brought up, how many people you've slept with, whether you are religious, etc. But the fact that you were saying that it bothered You that your boyfriend had slept with Hannah, "a girl like that" (meaning promiscuous) is very judgemental and also most people would not be bothered by something like that. For one thing, it doesn't make someone a bad person just because they were having casual sex. Hannah is not some kind of monster. Neither is your boyfriend.

    Secondly, your boyfriend has not exactly lied to you, he has told you everything you asked. Who cares what years he was having sex with her? Before he met you, even if he'd had sex with her like the day before meeting you, that does not matter because he was single. He even told you that Hannah didn't mean more than a friend to him and it was just sex. I don't know what else you want from him.

    I understand feeling jealousy if you see photos of other women on your boyfriend's Facebook from his past but he's not exactly required to delete them all. Some of these women were not even his ex's but were just friends with benefits. So he probably hadn't even thought to delete the photos as it didn't mean that much to him.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Take a deep breath and try and come away from all those clamouring emotions and thoughts that are whirling around you. It's very difficult to think straight when we are in a whirlwind of emotions, especially ones involving betrayal and trust. I know what that devastation feels like and your first emotions may be sheer anger and revulsion.

    I don't think you have trust issues. You just had an impression of your boyfriend because he was slow to share his past history with you. He should never have withheld such information from you or been slow to share his past. In future, use this as a learning experience and don't stand up for any individual who isn't forthright about their past. You are NOT to blame in this situation and don't take it upon yourself to make excuses for his poor representation of himself.

    Regarding the information he has shared with you, I'd have a second look at your boyfriend's words and treatment of women. This is not going to be a dialogue about oppression but you should recognize that his language suggests he's more than used women for sex in the past (we have all had sexual encounters or fwbs or at least most of us have). Calling her names like 'slag' or are not acceptable. I would be appalled if my husband or partner spoke about his exes that way and of course he's had one offs or fwbs as have I in the past. It's absolutely no excuse to look down on another person or be hypocritical. What does that make him then? I'd open up this conversation and instead of being angry with him that he has a past, ask him why he refers to such women this way. It does affect you and your relationship and you should be mindful of how your partner treats people. He potentially held back information from you about his past because he was judgmental of others and himself in a damaging way. That has affected you.

    Go into this open-eyed and open-eared and resist the urge to blame him for anything. He hasn't done anything wrong in living his life but I'd really encourage more respect for each other and more respect for others in your language with each other going forward.

    The way that we choose to use our language is utterly pervasive and is indicative of other deep-seated issues. Using respectful and mindful language around each other and in referring to others can indicate any number of ideas or thoughts and it conveys whether we have respect for others and ourselves. If your boyfriend cannot respect women or his own actions of the past, he will not be able to fully respect you as a partner, a woman or a human being. Please remember that.

  3. #23
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    Rose, sg admitted herself she has trust issues in her original post.

    I would not have posted what I did if she hadn't.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm mentioning that she does not have trust issues. I think she is insecure and under the influence of a lot of emotions and feeling distrustful right now but it's not correct to jump on an OP's mention of this and blow it up into something one-sided. Her boyfriend has contributed to the situation as well as I've written about in my previous post above.

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  6. #25
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    Agree to disagree Rose and will leave it at that..

    Except to say I didn't "jump all over it," or "blow it up," I think they're quite relevant, her trust issues have been apparent throughout many of her threads/posts on this forum.

    She has admitted to it.

    But you're entitled to your opinion, and choosing to leave it at that.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Only Bluecastle acknowledged the poor behaviour and language of her boyfriend and mentioned some guilt issues regarding his past. I've cautioned her to use this as a learning experience for future partners and learn to recognize the signs when someone is insecure about their past or evasive about their history. Everyone else called her judgmental and controlling to some extent. This is a two way street and I think the majority of the posts are a bit too harsh themselves. Of course you are entitled to your opinion as well.

  8. #27
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    I don't disagree with his poor behaviour and told her if she didn't feel comfortable with his past, she was entitled to those feelings.

    And when she or anyone feels that way about someone they're dating, to simply end it and find a better fit.

    What I think is wrong is confronting, demanding, shaming. Causing unnecessary drama about it.

    I don't agree with that, just end it.

    Jmo, hope that clarifies.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-17-2019 at 11:58 AM.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I don't think you have trust issues. You just had an impression of your boyfriend because he was slow to share his past history with you. He should never have withheld such information from you or been slow to share his past.
    This is utterly irresponsible advice.

    Everyone is entitled to a history, and insofar as that history renders no tangible repercussion to the partner (this doesn't), everyone has every single right to employ as much privacy with regard to that past as they'd like. That he'd shared the woman was a previous sexual partner was enough-- I'd even argue excess. Demanding a logbook of sexual interactions is controlling behavior, toeing the line of emotional abuse when she's got that audacity to put him in a position to beg forgiveness for her actions. We'd be slamming any man in her shoes if he were accosting his girlfriend over such intimate and irrelevant details of their sexual or romantic history, only to take the opportunity to lord over her with said details. And we'd very rightfully be slamming him.

    Also, nothing suggests he's "used" women for sex. Women aren't power tools. If they want to have sex, they can have sex. That's entirely consensual and we have no reason to assume there was anything other than a mutual benefit. It's an incredibly archaic and sex-negative stance to take based on nothing to support it.

    I could hardly crucify the guy for employing a derogatory tone with regard to this previous woman in order very obviously to placate his incessantly insecure girlfriend who wasn't content with his previously casual and much more friendly references to her having been someone he simply had a sexual history with. Would I do it? No. I'd tell her it's none of her business and if she so insisted it was, she's free to kick rocks. But I have a feeling that would be its own excuse for some folks to villainize him.

    OP is by probably the most objective standard possible acting incredibly insecure-- and that's just by her own account. Guy seems codependent and neutered, but I'd assume anything he could offer would only reinforce what should be a pretty clear summation.
    Last edited by j.man; 05-17-2019 at 12:02 PM.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    This is utterly irresponsible advice.

    Everyone is entitled to a history, and insofar as that history renders no tangible repercussion to the partner (this doesn't), everyone has every single right to employ as much privacy with regard to that past as they'd like. That he'd shared the woman was a previous sexual partner was enough-- I'd even argue excess. Demanding a logbook of sexual interactions is controlling behavior, toeing the line of emotional abuse when she's got that audacity to put him in a position to beg forgiveness for her actions. We'd be slamming any man in her shoes if he were accosting his girlfriend over such intimate and irrelevant details of their sexual or romantic history, only take the opportunity to lord over her with said details. And very rightfully so.

    Also, nothing suggests he's "used" women for sex. Women aren't power tools. If they want to have sex, they can have sex. That's entirely consensual and we have no reason to assume there was anything other than a mutual benefit. It's an incredibly archaic and sex-negative stance to take based on nothing to support it.

    I could hardly crucify the guy for employing a derogatory tone with regard to this previous woman in order very obviously to placate his incessantly insecure girlfriend who wasn't content with his previously casual and much more friendly references to her having been someone he simply had a sexual history with. Would I do it? No. I'd tell her it's none of her business and if she so insisted it was, she's free to kick rocks. But I have a feeling that would be its own excuse for some folks to villainize him.

    OP is by probably the most objective standard possible acting incredibly insecure-- and that's just by her own account. Guy seems codependent and neutered, but I'd assume anything he could offer would only reinforce what should be a pretty clear summation.
    This seems a little too one-sided for my liking and calling anyone's advice irresponsible just speaks of insecurity to me. I think there are valid points in your interpretation and I'm not here to pointedly put down your thoughts or opinions. We can simply disagree without the added dramatic effects.

    There was simply no need to refer to women as slags or other derogatory terms. It also leaves room for a lot of guilt on his part which the OP's boyfriend should not have to feel. That guilt compounded caused him to shy away from open conversation from the get go. I think this is a red flag and it wouldn't be appropriate to ignore it from the start. I think the OP could have also insisted knowing about his past a bit more as well. She deserves to know.

    There are issues there regarding sex in general which I'd encourage the both of them revisit as a couple. Shaming anyone is not acceptable but unfortunately it seems your language in your post is ironically doing just that. Why is it necessary to call her boyfriend 'neutered'? I simply see both of them as two individuals who can work out their communication issues by being more respectful and open about the way they approach their past, present and future.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I think she is insecure and under the influence of a lot of emotions and feeling distrustful right now but it's not correct to jump on an OP's mention of this and blow it up into something one-sided. Her boyfriend has contributed to the situation as well as I've written about in my previous post above.


    "He should never have withheld such information from you or been slow to share his past."
    Thank you Rose. I never shamed him regarding his previous sexual/romantic relationships. Whenever we spoke about these things, I just listened.

    And the reason why I wanted to know about his sexual or romantic interactions with Hannah is because he was clearly withholding information and lying which made feel insecure.

    "Why is he doing that?" I asked myself. I even thought he still has feelings for her? Why? because he was being shady about his past. If she was in the past why cant he tell me the truth I said. Since they have been having sex for a long time sex must be so good, what if he wants to have sex with her again I said to myself. I asked him twice, and both times he lied until last week I confronted him and demanded the truth. So the reason why I did that is because he wasnt open with me from the beginning.

    I think to build a future with someone, you need to know about their past as well. A lot of you are saying I am not entitled to such information. But how can you build
    a relationship/future/marriage with someone when a big part of them (their past) which makes them who they are is missing and you dont know anything about it?

    And just so you know, even after he told me evrytihing, I didn't judge him. I even thanked him for telling me. And I also told him he shouldnt be ashamed of anything and I said that he should be able to share with me anything and anytime. I said to him I will be by his side as long as he is honest with me. But I cant stop thinking about this whole thing. He is sensitve and I dont want to break his heart by saying harsh words regarding what happened.

    What I shared in the post here is my thoughts that goes in my head. And I cant share it with anyone and I will only talk to him about this again, when I am ready, and when I am not under the influence of a lot of emotions and feeling distrustful (which I am right now as Rose said). This is the reason why I posted here. But as I see most of you are just one-sided.

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