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Thread: Trust Issues

  1. #1

    Trust Issues

    Hi All,

    This is my first post - haven't really felt the need to use online forums for a while, but I'm not sure what to do / who to turn to and would like unbiased views if possible.

    I've been married for 11 years (been together for 15) for the most part we've been happy and have been able to overcome any issues we might have had along the way, but within the last 6 months, my husband has lied to me or withheld information only to later tell me about it in front of family and friends (when drunk)

    The first instance was him telling me in front of a room full of people that he had visited strip clubs the last two times he was out without me, with his friends - once with his Dad (!) and he'd had a lap dance etc. Now I'm not happy about the fact he went to a strip club and had a lap dance, but the thing that hurt me most was the way he told me in front of a group of our friends and the fact he had hidden it from me for so long.

    The second instance last weekend (again whilst drunk) he told me that a couple of months ago when he went on a stag do, he had taken cocaine - something which apparently he hasn't done since before we were married, and was a condition of me agreeing to marry him in the first place (I said I did not want any part in that kind of life and would not bring up children where drugs were involved in the slightest - he agreed hence us being married).
    The thing is, I had specifically asked him the day he came back from this stag do, if there had been drugs involved and he said "no, don't be daft" - now he told me there was. So again it is the lying about it and the hiding it from me as well as the actual act itself.

    I just don't feel like I can trust him anymore :(

    I've tried to speak to him about it and he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. He hasn't apologised and he seems like he really doesn't care. So we have barely said two words to each other this week and I can't continue like this.

    We have two children aged 10 and 8 and they will soon pick up on things not being right.

    Thanks in advance if anyone has any advice on where to go from here xx

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Always Rosey
    So again it is the lying about it and the hiding it from me as well as the actual act itself.
    I think you need to come to terms with whether these "acts" are somethings you can live with or not. Like you said he doesn't believe he has done anything wrong, and he is not a child. It doesn't actually matter whether you can get people on here to agree with you or not on this point, your husband doesn't believe he has done anything wrong. This is the reason why you can't talk to him about it, to him it just comes off as whining or nagging and is not going to solve anything and get anywhere. It doesn't sound like the things he is doing are anything really new, as he engaged in them before you were married. It is not clear how realistic those promises were, this is basically the guy you married faults and all.

    It seems to me the only part where you can make any real progress are how he treats you around other people, and just basic rules of disclosure around these things. Can he be honest with you about the things he is into, and are these things that you can live with? Other people's point of view are really immaterial of what they would live with, or whether you should. This is your marriage not theirs. What are the things you have control over?

  3. #3
    Originally Posted by lukeb
    I think you need to come to terms with whether these "acts" are somethings you can live with or not. Like you said he doesn't believe he has done anything wrong, and he is not a child. It doesn't actually matter whether you can get people on here to agree with you or not on this point, your husband doesn't believe he has done anything wrong. This is the reason why you can't talk to him about it, to him it just comes off as whining or nagging and is not going to solve anything and get anywhere. It doesn't sound like the things he is doing are anything really new, as he engaged in them before you were married. It is not clear how realistic those promises were, this is basically the guy you married faults and all.

    It seems to me the only part where you can make any real progress are how he treats you around other people, and just basic rules of disclosure around these things. Can he be honest with you about the things he is into, and are these things that you can live with? Other people's point of view are really immaterial of what they would live with, or whether you should. This is your marriage not theirs. What are the things you have control over?
    These "acts" I could not live with as a regular occurrence, no.
    If he was this person when I married him who took cocaine and visited strip clubs, I would not have married him.

    The things he has done ARE new - he used to take recreational drugs over 12-13 years ago, long before we were married - he hasn't (to my knowledge) done so since, apart from recently at this stag do.
    He never used to go to strip clubs before or ever, apart from these two times he told me about recently.

    These are the only occasions (or so he tells me) but if he isn't sorry, even though he did these things knowing they would upset me, and after telling me about them, knowing how much they hurt me, then what's to stop him doing them again? Therefore do I just throw away a 15 year relationship?

    I didn't come here to get anyone to agree or disagree with my views, just need advice really on where to go from here. At a total stalemate with him and not sure what to do next as this is completely new territory in all our years of being in a relationship...

  4. #4
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    Like I said, I am also not here to agree or disagree. I doubt he is doing those things to hurt you, I think it is more likely he is doing those things because he enjoys them and sees nothing wrong with doing them. The title of your thread is "trust issues" which is a separate issue.

    I also think if the only he sees coming out of talking is basically you wanting him to stop doing things he sees nothing wrong with, then it's also not likely there is going to be a lot of talking. You may need to broaden the scope of the discussion beyond just ultimatums.

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  6. #5
    Originally Posted by lukeb
    Like I said, I am also not here to agree or disagree. I doubt he is doing those things to hurt you, I think it is more likely he is doing those things because he enjoys them and sees nothing wrong with doing them. The title of your thread is "trust issues" which is a separate issue.

    I also think if the only he sees coming out of talking is basically you wanting him to stop doing things he sees nothing wrong with, then it's also not likely there is going to be a lot of talking. You may need to broaden the scope of the discussion beyond just ultimatums.
    I gather we don't have the same views on marriage values here - I don't think when you are married to someone that you should ever knowingly do things that would upset your partner whether you enjoy doing them or not. I might enjoy sleeping with another man but I wouldn't do it because it is morally wrong and I know it would hurt my husband (Disclaimer - using as an example, not at all anything I would ever consider)

    So I think the title 'trust issues' is relevant here. How can I trust him again when he has broken my trust twice in the past 6 months?

    I don't give him ultimatums in discussions, I asked why he did those things, why he didn't tell me about them until he was in front of an audience and that's it - he basically doesn't have an answer for me.

    So what you're saying is I either accept he might do these things whenever he feels like it, or we split up? I mean, there's no compromise here is there? This is what I mean by this being new territory for me - with anything else we can normally come to a compromise - this I don't know how to deal with...

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Doing those things, hiding and then bringing them up the way he did was a power trip for him over you....and childish, yet dangerous behavior coming from a grown man. It creates a negative power dynamic in the relationship.

    Rather than focusing on just these two incidents, take a big step back and take a good look at what's going on with him and your marriage at large. Are there other things going on under your nose that you are missing? Are you missing some serious character issues? What is the overall health and dynamic of your marriage? It sounds a bit like the very foundation of your marriage was shaky in that you married him on condition of....and usually that doesn't work out so well in the long run. Meaning that generally people don't stop being who they and you basically married him on the condition that he change for you. You might be dealing with years of boiling resentment bubbling up to the surface. I think you two need to talk, but not quite about what you are thinking.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Always Rosey
    So what you're saying is I either accept he might do these things whenever he feels like it, or we split up? I mean, there's no compromise here is there? This is what I mean by this being new territory for me - with anything else we can normally come to a compromise - this I don't know how to deal with...
    No that is not what I am saying at all, I actually don't know at all where actually good communication between the two of you could lead. I am not even so sure either of you too know either. You seem to be focusing what the end result of a discussion is going to look like, and I don't think that is a good idea.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Well, the drug use was one time. Although I don't like it, I think you can give him a get out of jail free card on that one. Addiction would be a real problem.

    But going to strip clubs regularly is a no-no. He has to stop doing it - forever. Relationships take work - consider this part of the work.

    If he won't stop, cut off sex or threaten to leave.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Always Rosey
    I gather we don't have the same views on marriage values here - I don't think when you are married to someone that you should ever knowingly do things that would upset your partner whether you enjoy doing them or not. I might enjoy sleeping with another man but I wouldn't do it because it is morally wrong and I know it would hurt my husband.
    Yeah but where does one draw the line? Like, what if you (generic you) were so insecure that it upset you to see your partner simply talking with another woman? Say at an event you're both attending?

    What if it upset you to know that he was interacting with women at his workplace?

    Would you expect him to not to those things simply because it upset you?

    I think it's important to communicate and draw boundaries based on what's reasonable versus what's not reasonable and based on insecurites, overall lack of trust.

    It this case, I think it's reasonable for you to not like how he's behaving and to communicate that to him. Not in a disrespectful or accusatory way, just tell him how you feel about it, you're not comfortable with it, and let him decide how he wants to proceed.

    If he continues doing hard drugs, going to strip clubs, or whatever else he's doing that upsets you (within reason and not based on your own insecurities) then you need to make a decision whether this is something you can accept and if you can't, then either suggest marriage counseling or leave.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I can't help but feel how frustrated you must feel. Aside from your issues with your husband, you come here and don't feel heard (by some) and then someone advises you to manipulate him by cutting off sex.
    <sigh>

    Strip clubs, lap dances and cocaine. Yah, I don't think you are being unreasonable here. It's not like he went to the driving range and didn't tell you. Add in you only become privy to this information when he chooses to do it with an audience. It smacks of him wanting to humiliate you. You asked him previously and instead of owning it he lies and calls you a hurtful name. It's a real `in your face' act of disrespect.

    All of this has to be a symptom of something larger. I am not there and I can't tell you what it is. You started this by painting a great marriage but if I poke you with a stick, my guess is there is something that might explain his hostility towards you. Whatever that may be.

    Focus on the larger issue, not the symptoms of it.

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