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Hi All,

 

This is my first post - haven't really felt the need to use online forums for a while, but I'm not sure what to do / who to turn to and would like unbiased views if possible.

 

I've been married for 11 years (been together for 15) for the most part we've been happy and have been able to overcome any issues we might have had along the way, but within the last 6 months, my husband has lied to me or withheld information only to later tell me about it in front of family and friends (when drunk)

 

The first instance was him telling me in front of a room full of people that he had visited strip clubs the last two times he was out without me, with his friends - once with his Dad (!) and he'd had a lap dance etc. Now I'm not happy about the fact he went to a strip club and had a lap dance, but the thing that hurt me most was the way he told me in front of a group of our friends and the fact he had hidden it from me for so long.

 

The second instance last weekend (again whilst drunk) he told me that a couple of months ago when he went on a stag do, he had taken cocaine - something which apparently he hasn't done since before we were married, and was a condition of me agreeing to marry him in the first place (I said I did not want any part in that kind of life and would not bring up children where drugs were involved in the slightest - he agreed hence us being married).

The thing is, I had specifically asked him the day he came back from this stag do, if there had been drugs involved and he said "no, don't be daft" - now he told me there was. So again it is the lying about it and the hiding it from me as well as the actual act itself.

 

I just don't feel like I can trust him anymore :(

 

I've tried to speak to him about it and he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. He hasn't apologised and he seems like he really doesn't care. So we have barely said two words to each other this week and I can't continue like this.

 

We have two children aged 10 and 8 and they will soon pick up on things not being right.

 

Thanks in advance if anyone has any advice on where to go from here xx

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So again it is the lying about it and the hiding it from me as well as the actual act itself.

 

I think you need to come to terms with whether these "acts" are somethings you can live with or not. Like you said he doesn't believe he has done anything wrong, and he is not a child. It doesn't actually matter whether you can get people on here to agree with you or not on this point, your husband doesn't believe he has done anything wrong. This is the reason why you can't talk to him about it, to him it just comes off as whining or nagging and is not going to solve anything and get anywhere. It doesn't sound like the things he is doing are anything really new, as he engaged in them before you were married. It is not clear how realistic those promises were, this is basically the guy you married faults and all.

 

It seems to me the only part where you can make any real progress are how he treats you around other people, and just basic rules of disclosure around these things. Can he be honest with you about the things he is into, and are these things that you can live with? Other people's point of view are really immaterial of what they would live with, or whether you should. This is your marriage not theirs. What are the things you have control over?

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I think you need to come to terms with whether these "acts" are somethings you can live with or not. Like you said he doesn't believe he has done anything wrong, and he is not a child. It doesn't actually matter whether you can get people on here to agree with you or not on this point, your husband doesn't believe he has done anything wrong. This is the reason why you can't talk to him about it, to him it just comes off as whining or nagging and is not going to solve anything and get anywhere. It doesn't sound like the things he is doing are anything really new, as he engaged in them before you were married. It is not clear how realistic those promises were, this is basically the guy you married faults and all.

 

It seems to me the only part where you can make any real progress are how he treats you around other people, and just basic rules of disclosure around these things. Can he be honest with you about the things he is into, and are these things that you can live with? Other people's point of view are really immaterial of what they would live with, or whether you should. This is your marriage not theirs. What are the things you have control over?

 

These "acts" I could not live with as a regular occurrence, no.

If he was this person when I married him who took cocaine and visited strip clubs, I would not have married him.

 

The things he has done ARE new - he used to take recreational drugs over 12-13 years ago, long before we were married - he hasn't (to my knowledge) done so since, apart from recently at this stag do.

He never used to go to strip clubs before or ever, apart from these two times he told me about recently.

 

These are the only occasions (or so he tells me) but if he isn't sorry, even though he did these things knowing they would upset me, and after telling me about them, knowing how much they hurt me, then what's to stop him doing them again? Therefore do I just throw away a 15 year relationship?

 

I didn't come here to get anyone to agree or disagree with my views, just need advice really on where to go from here. At a total stalemate with him and not sure what to do next as this is completely new territory in all our years of being in a relationship...

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Like I said, I am also not here to agree or disagree. I doubt he is doing those things to hurt you, I think it is more likely he is doing those things because he enjoys them and sees nothing wrong with doing them. The title of your thread is "trust issues" which is a separate issue.

 

I also think if the only he sees coming out of talking is basically you wanting him to stop doing things he sees nothing wrong with, then it's also not likely there is going to be a lot of talking. You may need to broaden the scope of the discussion beyond just ultimatums.

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Like I said, I am also not here to agree or disagree. I doubt he is doing those things to hurt you, I think it is more likely he is doing those things because he enjoys them and sees nothing wrong with doing them. The title of your thread is "trust issues" which is a separate issue.

 

I also think if the only he sees coming out of talking is basically you wanting him to stop doing things he sees nothing wrong with, then it's also not likely there is going to be a lot of talking. You may need to broaden the scope of the discussion beyond just ultimatums.

 

I gather we don't have the same views on marriage values here - I don't think when you are married to someone that you should ever knowingly do things that would upset your partner whether you enjoy doing them or not. I might enjoy sleeping with another man but I wouldn't do it because it is morally wrong and I know it would hurt my husband (Disclaimer - using as an example, not at all anything I would ever consider)

 

So I think the title 'trust issues' is relevant here. How can I trust him again when he has broken my trust twice in the past 6 months?

 

I don't give him ultimatums in discussions, I asked why he did those things, why he didn't tell me about them until he was in front of an audience and that's it - he basically doesn't have an answer for me.

 

So what you're saying is I either accept he might do these things whenever he feels like it, or we split up? I mean, there's no compromise here is there? This is what I mean by this being new territory for me - with anything else we can normally come to a compromise - this I don't know how to deal with...

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Doing those things, hiding and then bringing them up the way he did was a power trip for him over you....and childish, yet dangerous behavior coming from a grown man. It creates a negative power dynamic in the relationship.

 

Rather than focusing on just these two incidents, take a big step back and take a good look at what's going on with him and your marriage at large. Are there other things going on under your nose that you are missing? Are you missing some serious character issues? What is the overall health and dynamic of your marriage? It sounds a bit like the very foundation of your marriage was shaky in that you married him on condition of....and usually that doesn't work out so well in the long run. Meaning that generally people don't stop being who they and you basically married him on the condition that he change for you. You might be dealing with years of boiling resentment bubbling up to the surface. I think you two need to talk, but not quite about what you are thinking.

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So what you're saying is I either accept he might do these things whenever he feels like it, or we split up? I mean, there's no compromise here is there? This is what I mean by this being new territory for me - with anything else we can normally come to a compromise - this I don't know how to deal with...

 

No that is not what I am saying at all, I actually don't know at all where actually good communication between the two of you could lead. I am not even so sure either of you too know either. You seem to be focusing what the end result of a discussion is going to look like, and I don't think that is a good idea.

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Well, the drug use was one time. Although I don't like it, I think you can give him a get out of jail free card on that one. Addiction would be a real problem.

 

But going to strip clubs regularly is a no-no. He has to stop doing it - forever. Relationships take work - consider this part of the work.

 

If he won't stop, cut off sex or threaten to leave.

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I gather we don't have the same views on marriage values here - I don't think when you are married to someone that you should ever knowingly do things that would upset your partner whether you enjoy doing them or not. I might enjoy sleeping with another man but I wouldn't do it because it is morally wrong and I know it would hurt my husband.

 

Yeah but where does one draw the line? Like, what if you (generic you) were so insecure that it upset you to see your partner simply talking with another woman? Say at an event you're both attending?

 

What if it upset you to know that he was interacting with women at his workplace?

 

Would you expect him to not to those things simply because it upset you?

 

I think it's important to communicate and draw boundaries based on what's reasonable versus what's not reasonable and based on insecurites, overall lack of trust.

 

It this case, I think it's reasonable for you to not like how he's behaving and to communicate that to him. Not in a disrespectful or accusatory way, just tell him how you feel about it, you're not comfortable with it, and let him decide how he wants to proceed.

 

If he continues doing hard drugs, going to strip clubs, or whatever else he's doing that upsets you (within reason and not based on your own insecurities) then you need to make a decision whether this is something you can accept and if you can't, then either suggest marriage counseling or leave.

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I can't help but feel how frustrated you must feel. Aside from your issues with your husband, you come here and don't feel heard (by some) and then someone advises you to manipulate him by cutting off sex.

 

Strip clubs, lap dances and cocaine. Yah, I don't think you are being unreasonable here. It's not like he went to the driving range and didn't tell you. Add in you only become privy to this information when he chooses to do it with an audience. It smacks of him wanting to humiliate you. You asked him previously and instead of owning it he lies and calls you a hurtful name. It's a real `in your face' act of disrespect.

 

All of this has to be a symptom of something larger. I am not there and I can't tell you what it is. You started this by painting a great marriage but if I poke you with a stick, my guess is there is something that might explain his hostility towards you. Whatever that may be.

 

Focus on the larger issue, not the symptoms of it.

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So what you're saying is I either accept he might do these things whenever he feels like it, or we split up? I mean, there's no compromise here is there?
What would you be able to compromise on? He only does coke when he's with you or that if he's going to a strip club that he tells you and he doesn't get lap dances? No, there really is no compromise in this particular situation it seems.

 

What you can do is stop trying to control while failing at it and instead, tell him honestly and candidly how what he does/has done affects you emotionally and then hope that him knowing how it upsets you, will prompt him to stop doing it. If it doesn't and the behaviour is a deal breaker than you have some decision to make.

 

I will say though, that should he not change the behaviour and you stay with him, even though it is against your personal boundaries (You did say you wouldn't tolerate that behaviour) you are basically just enabling him to remain in that behaviour. If he doesn't know you are serious then he suffers zero consequences for his actions. Nagging him won't do any good in pushing him to change.

 

May I ask what the "audience" to his confessions had to say about it all?

May I also ask: Do you think he does it in front of people because he doesn't want you nagging, making a scene but he wants to get it out because he feels somewhat guilty rather than he's just doing it to be disrespectful/to humiliate you?

How did you react when he told you in front of others?

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Oops pressed submit by accident without finishing my message 😣

 

I will try again with him, see if I can get to the bottom of whatever the larger issue is... don’t get me wrong, we have issues like all relationships, it’s just usually we can sort it out easy enough...

 

The past week he has been having issues with his job, feeling unhappy, wanting to progress but not really all that ambitious or self-motivated, whereas I have just completed a degree, due to get a pay rise and if I hint at leaving my boss scrambles to keep me, whereas his boss said if you’re not happy then leave.

I earn more money as a result of my hard work over the last three years but he has to throw it back in my face that he used to be the bread winner all the time before that (like when I was working part-time to take care of the kids when they were a little younger 🙄) most of our ‘usual’ arguments always boil down to money in the end. I manage the finances, make sure we have enough budgeted for the month and put whatever is left into separate accounts for the both of us - split equally. He always over spends (usually chooses to spend most of his money on cigarettes and alcohol) he only drinks at the weekends so not saying he’s an alcoholic or anything, but if he has no money left he wouldn’t possibly think of not having a drink on a Friday night, like it’s an absolute necessity that he has a few beers.

Last night be went out after midnight to walk to the 24 hour to buy cigarettes despite having no money left (therefore dips into the main account which I money I have allocated for bills etc)

 

His excuse for everything is he thinks he is depressed at the moment - he goes through phases like this - where he is unhappy with everything.

He says life is too busy in the mornings doing the school run etc (he drops off, I pick up due to our working hours and where our jobs are based)

We have a couple of busy weekends coming up one is a weekend away with the kids and my sons football team and all the parents - we went last year and it was good fun. This year he now doesn’t want to go now it is all booked and paid for and it is 2 weeks away.

 

I am very supportive of him I tell him it’s okay to feel overwhelmed with a busy life, take some time off and spend some days doing nothing to recharge then we can go again. I always say we are a team - there is nothing resting on his shoulders alone.

I have helped him with his CV and recommended good recruitment websites to look for a new job to help him there. I tell him he deserves better than where he is now and a job is just a job he has no loyalty to where he is now, he will find something better and quite easily. But as an example, he applied for a job and they sent back an online application.... he still hasn’t completed it because he can’t be bothered.

 

Everything is a catch 22 with him. He wants to change things, but isn’t willing to put in any effort to make the change because he is depressed... yet he is depressed because he is unhappy and wants things to change.

 

I think sometimes he is even manic depressive - he goes from one extreme to the other and I think this is why he does these stupid things like drugs and strip clubs etc - getting caught up in what his single friends are doing and thinking it will make him feel better...

 

I think ultimately I need to get him some professional help with his depression. He won’t see a doctor on his own, he won’t take any steps to make himself better so I guess it’s up to me to do it for him...

I’m not the best in this area - for me I don’t know why he would ever be depressed - he has got a beautiful home, a wife and two wonderful children. Nobody asks too much of him, he does what he wants when he wants in his free time. Then he goes all Jekyll and Hyde and this other person appears who goes to strip clubs, randomly does cocaine, drinks too much, spends money he doesn’t have on cigarettes, shouts too much at the kids for no reason, becomes very unreasonable... example last night after a few beers he shouted at our son because he was still wearing socks when we had asked him to get ready for bed... I was like wow he is ready for bed he just hasn’t taken his socks off yet 😳😳 why is this an issue??

 

Sorry this got really long... I guess there’s always more under the surface

 

By the way, of course I am no angel and don’t claim to be, I have faults of my own no doubt, I just don’t react to anything out of the ordinary like he does

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Thanks for the reply dancingfool

 

I have probably answered your questions in my previous reply...

 

Just to clarify, I didn’t marry him on the condition that he stop being who he is, but I did say that when we do get married and we want to buy a house and have kids etc then the party lifestyle would have to end. We were 22 & 23 years of age when we got married so some say too young. I have always been quite sensible but he wasn’t so much... he said to me that the things he wanted in life were the same as I wanted and of course we would both focus on our family rather than going out getting wasted. I made it clear if he wasn’t ready for those things it was fine and we would wait to get married and start a family. It wasn’t said in the way that “I won’t marry you unless you promise never to do drugs again”

 

I agree we do need to talk again and go deeper than this particular issue

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Stop trying to fix him. Focus on your children. Stop mothering and enabling him. Make an appt with a therapist for yourself in private for some insight into this dynamic. If he wanted to be fixed he would fix himself... not drink, do drugs, ignore responsibilities and make excuses.

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