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Thread: Trust Issues

  1. #11
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    So what you're saying is I either accept he might do these things whenever he feels like it, or we split up? I mean, there's no compromise here is there?
    What would you be able to compromise on? He only does coke when he's with you or that if he's going to a strip club that he tells you and he doesn't get lap dances? No, there really is no compromise in this particular situation it seems.

    What you can do is stop trying to control while failing at it and instead, tell him honestly and candidly how what he does/has done affects you emotionally and then hope that him knowing how it upsets you, will prompt him to stop doing it. If it doesn't and the behaviour is a deal breaker than you have some decision to make.

    I will say though, that should he not change the behaviour and you stay with him, even though it is against your personal boundaries (You did say you wouldn't tolerate that behaviour) you are basically just enabling him to remain in that behaviour. If he doesn't know you are serious then he suffers zero consequences for his actions. Nagging him won't do any good in pushing him to change.

    May I ask what the "audience" to his confessions had to say about it all?
    May I also ask: Do you think he does it in front of people because he doesn't want you nagging, making a scene but he wants to get it out because he feels somewhat guilty rather than he's just doing it to be disrespectful/to humiliate you?
    How did you react when he told you in front of others?

  2. #12
    Thank you thank you thank you!

    I was starting to think I was being unreasonable

  3. #13
    Oops pressed submit by accident without finishing my message 😣

    I will try again with him, see if I can get to the bottom of whatever the larger issue is... donít get me wrong, we have issues like all relationships, itís just usually we can sort it out easy enough...

    The past week he has been having issues with his job, feeling unhappy, wanting to progress but not really all that ambitious or self-motivated, whereas I have just completed a degree, due to get a pay rise and if I hint at leaving my boss scrambles to keep me, whereas his boss said if youíre not happy then leave.
    I earn more money as a result of my hard work over the last three years but he has to throw it back in my face that he used to be the bread winner all the time before that (like when I was working part-time to take care of the kids when they were a little younger 🙄) most of our Ďusualí arguments always boil down to money in the end. I manage the finances, make sure we have enough budgeted for the month and put whatever is left into separate accounts for the both of us - split equally. He always over spends (usually chooses to spend most of his money on cigarettes and alcohol) he only drinks at the weekends so not saying heís an alcoholic or anything, but if he has no money left he wouldnít possibly think of not having a drink on a Friday night, like itís an absolute necessity that he has a few beers.
    Last night be went out after midnight to walk to the 24 hour to buy cigarettes despite having no money left (therefore dips into the main account which I money I have allocated for bills etc)

    His excuse for everything is he thinks he is depressed at the moment - he goes through phases like this - where he is unhappy with everything.
    He says life is too busy in the mornings doing the school run etc (he drops off, I pick up due to our working hours and where our jobs are based)
    We have a couple of busy weekends coming up one is a weekend away with the kids and my sons football team and all the parents - we went last year and it was good fun. This year he now doesnít want to go now it is all booked and paid for and it is 2 weeks away.

    I am very supportive of him I tell him itís okay to feel overwhelmed with a busy life, take some time off and spend some days doing nothing to recharge then we can go again. I always say we are a team - there is nothing resting on his shoulders alone.
    I have helped him with his CV and recommended good recruitment websites to look for a new job to help him there. I tell him he deserves better than where he is now and a job is just a job he has no loyalty to where he is now, he will find something better and quite easily. But as an example, he applied for a job and they sent back an online application.... he still hasnít completed it because he canít be bothered.

    Everything is a catch 22 with him. He wants to change things, but isnít willing to put in any effort to make the change because he is depressed... yet he is depressed because he is unhappy and wants things to change.

    I think sometimes he is even manic depressive - he goes from one extreme to the other and I think this is why he does these stupid things like drugs and strip clubs etc - getting caught up in what his single friends are doing and thinking it will make him feel better...

    I think ultimately I need to get him some professional help with his depression. He wonít see a doctor on his own, he wonít take any steps to make himself better so I guess itís up to me to do it for him...
    Iím not the best in this area - for me I donít know why he would ever be depressed - he has got a beautiful home, a wife and two wonderful children. Nobody asks too much of him, he does what he wants when he wants in his free time. Then he goes all Jekyll and Hyde and this other person appears who goes to strip clubs, randomly does cocaine, drinks too much, spends money he doesnít have on cigarettes, shouts too much at the kids for no reason, becomes very unreasonable... example last night after a few beers he shouted at our son because he was still wearing socks when we had asked him to get ready for bed... I was like wow he is ready for bed he just hasnít taken his socks off yet 😳😳 why is this an issue??

    Sorry this got really long... I guess thereís always more under the surface

    By the way, of course I am no angel and donít claim to be, I have faults of my own no doubt, I just donít react to anything out of the ordinary like he does

  4. #14
    Thanks for the reply dancingfool

    I have probably answered your questions in my previous reply...

    Just to clarify, I didnít marry him on the condition that he stop being who he is, but I did say that when we do get married and we want to buy a house and have kids etc then the party lifestyle would have to end. We were 22 & 23 years of age when we got married so some say too young. I have always been quite sensible but he wasnít so much... he said to me that the things he wanted in life were the same as I wanted and of course we would both focus on our family rather than going out getting wasted. I made it clear if he wasnít ready for those things it was fine and we would wait to get married and start a family. It wasnít said in the way that ďI wonít marry you unless you promise never to do drugs againĒ

    I agree we do need to talk again and go deeper than this particular issue

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop trying to fix him. Focus on your children. Stop mothering and enabling him. Make an appt with a therapist for yourself in private for some insight into this dynamic. If he wanted to be fixed he would fix himself... not drink, do drugs, ignore responsibilities and make excuses.

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