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Working on the relationship, went well, and now back to ground zero.


vmaypa

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So just recently my girlfriend and I have worked on our relationship since December and since then it's been going great up until last week. Things have certainly changed and it feels as if we are back to ground zero. I don't remember what the argument was about last week, but she basically said somethings to me that shouldn't have been said out of anger like, "this relationship sucks, the sex sucks, I'm being pathetic," but apologized that same day saying she shouldn't have said those things. Today she also asked me what we had in common, and I basically said, we both love to travel, have ambitions, goals, we love food, same interest in music, gym, god, and family. After I had mentioned what we had in common, she basically said, "I don't think we have anything in common, you didn't even mention anything morally and what you had said was basically superficial and you didn't critically think about what to say." Another thing that's been bothering me lately, is that she mentioned I don't know how to be mindful, and that I should see a therapist who can help me with being mindful. I told her I do get a little upset when she tells me that I need to go to therapy, but she keeps telling me to not look at it as a stigma. She does want this relationship to work, and would like us to go to therapy, but really? I told her that we need to communicate, be open with each other and be more sympathetic, but she's afraid and basically said that she doesn't feel "secure" when she talks to me because I apparently have an anger issue. Since last week, I've been getting angry, but in a defensive way, towards the things she's been saying to me and she's looking at it as if I have anger issues. I seriously don't know what happened in just a week...

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I also wanted to add, the only reason why she brought up what we had in common was because a coworker on her floor who I only met for 10 seconds basically told her, "what do you guy's have in common? it looks like you guy's don't even have things in common." I mean seriously? What idiotic person would judge someone based off looks thinking they wouldn't have anything in common with the person they're dating? That's just so frustrating to me and its even more frustrating that my gf would even dare to ask me that after we've dating for this long...

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I also thought your response was odd. I would have expected my partner to respond with similar values and qualities, not "superficial" interests.

 

Why don't you go to therapy together, or this will not work? Do you have anger issues?

 

Honestly. it does not seem like this has been working for a long time. Maybe, it is time to be done.

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I also thought your response was odd. I would have expected my partner to respond with similar values and qualities, not "superficial" interests.

 

Seems I would have failed that question badly. Not even sure what she would be looking for here. I’d be reaching for a love of scifi and dogs. Is that not the right answer?

 

In all honesty though, to ask the question and then shoot down the answer in that way makes me think she wanted you to fail to answer it correctly. And the “I’m being pathetic” part jumped out - she meant herself? It feels like she is really struggling with some things and the fact that she has brought up therapy sounds like a way of her asking for help with that. So if you want it to work, then help. Go to therapy with her.

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I also wanted to add, the only reason why she brought up what we had in common was because a coworker on her floor who I only met for 10 seconds basically told her, "what do you guy's have in common? it looks like you guy's don't even have things in common." I mean seriously? What idiotic person would judge someone based off looks thinking they wouldn't have anything in common with the person they're dating? That's just so frustrating to me and its even more frustrating that my gf would even dare to ask me that after we've dating for this long...

 

It does seem like you might have anger issues that prevent normal communication.

 

You “forget” what your argument was about?

And now you get angry at both her and her co worker for what?

You are deflecting rather than focusing on the actual point.

 

Many couples split when they realise that there is a lack of compatibility and yes that question is ok to be raised anytime even years down the track.

 

What you described were superficial.

Liking the same food doesn’t matter. A vegan can date a meat eater.

You mentioned goals and ambitions but didn’t expand.

Are they mutual goals and ambitions?

 

And why are you so against therapy? She is even happy to go with you as a couple.

 

Tell us what you really believe you have in common with her?

Is there anything?

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Fact: people who are not attracted to each other think they have nothing in common. people who love each other think they have lots in common.

 

Her love level is low. You have to figure out whats missing to fix it - it's lacking in either romance, trust, respect, or affection.

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You wrote this in December and updated in January:

Girlfriend doesn't know if she still loves me like she once did

 

So, nothing new. Why try so hard to hold on to someone who hasn't felt the same way you do for six months or more? Something other than "But I LOVE her!", please.

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OP, I'll echo what's been said here in that this relationship sounds good as over. I know you probably don't want to hear that, but I get the feeling that the arguments you have are fueled by underlying resentment, reading your post and learning from others who have been here longer than me. Long term compatibility is a tough thing to come by and takes a lot of time to determine.

 

I'll say though - I'm not a fan of her response to the Q&A you described. She asked a question and wasn't prepared to handle the answer, so she just attacked you. That's manipulative. But again - this is a warning sign of the resentment that's been breeding.

 

So what if what you believe you have in common is too 'superficial' for her? Hell, two people can bond over sharing a favorite brand of soda if that's what works for them. I agree that long term commitment requires more than that, don't release the hounds on me just yet, folks :p, just pointing out that it's up to no one but the two people in the relationship what of their shared (or unshared) qualities work and don't work for them.

 

Hang tough.

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I think you both have different communication styles but her language is incredibly damaging if those are indeed the words or phrases she's used with you. I don't know (in return) what you said to counter what she said and you might have incited her further. I didn't find anything wrong with your response. If she thought you misunderstood or she was thinking along different lines she could have responded to you in a far more respectful manner. Calling your response 'superficial' and interpreting you as not able to think critically is not only insulting but it's completely inappropriate if two people are to come together and understand each other. Those kinds of words shouldn't be welcome or tolerated as the conversation can easily be thrown or become hostile. Her trust in you seems to have eroded over time and she is not open or willing to see things from your point of view or treat you respectfully from human being to human being.

 

Regarding the therapy suggestion, it might have sounded different if she suggested you both go to therapy together or if she was open to therapy also. It's not exactly the greatest attitude to suggest someone needs professional help in a relationship where two individuals should be interpreted as equal and with the understanding that it takes two to tango. I agree with you that her attitude needs some work and there should be more of a shift towards genuine teamwork.

 

If you do have an anger issue as she mentions, I'd encourage you to revisit that and see whether her methods of communicating with you are bleeding out into the way you counter or argue with her. Learning to live together as a couple is hard but learning to fight fair is even harder. Both of you need to learn to argue and communicate more effectively when it comes to your differences and focus on the topics (without attacking each other with hostility). The point of communicating and expressing differences are to express differences only.

 

It's my belief that two people should be able to do that and maintain their autonomy and views without hurting each other. Of course couples may have opinions about how their partner is behaving but this should also be contextualized and there should be some humility too and acknowledgement of one's own flaws! Attitude is everything, how we speak is everything. I hope you both are able to work this out in a much more neutral way. Don't let your frustrations get through in your language. If you feel irritated, pinpoint exactly where it's originating and stay focused on the issues you're discussing. I hope this helps.

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I seriously don't know what happened in just a week...
The realization that the relationship is not a lifetime one me thinks.

 

So just recently my girlfriend and I have worked on our relationship since December

 

How long have you two been dating? That ^^^ statement implies that the two of you have been having problems in general and for a while. Any truth to that? Perhaps there is more truth to the fact that you are not compatible and that the opinion from the coworker was based on what your g/f has been telling her/him rather than on your looks as you assumed?

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You've been working on the relationship for 5 months. That sounds like a lot of work, with very little change. Sadly, I think that she stopped loving you 5 months ago, and has been spending the time since then hoping her feelings could be rekindled. They haven't. She wants out, but instead of just being honest, telling you she still doesn't love you, and breaking up, she presents you with these questions that are meant to show you that you shouldn't be together. To be potentially fair to her since we don't have her side of the story, it's possible she's been trying to tell you this in various for a while and you have been deflecting her or getting defensive until she changes the subject.

 

Her line about not feeling "secure" talking to you and that you have an anger issue - maybe it's an anger issue, and maybe it's just that you always manage to steer conversation in a way where she doesn't feel heard or her opinion is clobbered by your opinion.

 

There may not be anything wrong with you, and it's just that your conversation styles are incompatible so you never quite hear each other. So I would take the therapy suggestion with a grain of salt maybe? But therapy (if you get the right one) is usually not a bad thing. You might learn some things about yourself that you didn't realize.

 

Ultimately it feels like she is just going to keep setting the bar for your relationship at a few levels above where you actually are, no matter what you try and do to fix things. If that's the case, trying to make things work is more trouble than it's worth.

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