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Thread: Things have just shifted from one issue to another

  1. #1
    Bronze Member bdwiii's Avatar
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    Things have just shifted from one issue to another

    Just recently posted about trust issues, and now I’m posting again because nothing has really changed except for the reasons why.

    What am I talking about? Well before I had posted stating I had trust issues because a year ago she had cheated on me a year ago and I decided to take her back when she asked me to despite it all and give it one more try because I really am in love with her. She of course swore it would never happen again and that the past was the past and she’s like it to stay that way if I’m willing to do this with her and not bring it up each time we have an argument because it drags her through it all again and as she said, how are we supposed to move forward?

    As you all could see from my last post she started going out “for drinks” with her girlfriend ( whom I have yet to see, speak to, or even see a picture of. She was leaving at 7 and coming home at 11-12 each night! I got very upset about it and told her it’s got to stop or we’re going to stop! So she promised to stop drinking and thus going out with her girlfriend every other night. She does this, however, now it’s been replaced with going out to “AA meetings” every night now from 7-11:30-12:00! Last night she only got back at 1:00 a.m.!

    Of course I’m tired by that time and we sit and watch something on TV, and then go to bed because we’re exhausted. And last night, when she got home she went out on the deck and sat there chain smoking and talking to her “girlfriend” for yet another 20 minutes! I got upset and went outside and heard her say, “I miss you already” and confronted her about that and she says, “yeah I said that, she’s my best friend!” I turned and went back in the house angry this time and she comes in and argues with me that I’m being ridiculous acting like that because she’s talking to her friend!

    So we watch a little TV and I said let’s go to bed. She says “I will, I just wanna finish watching this” and I go in to bed, and sure enough she never comes in and slept on the sofa all night. Now tonight, same thing. She left at 5, and swished be back by 9:30, and asked me to make dinner for us when she got home. So I cook a dish of stuffed shells and take it out of the oven hot and ready to eat and t get a text message. “Hey, I finally found a sponsor! I’ll be home around 11:15, love you!” And I texted back, then why did I make this? No answer and now it is 11:15, and she’s not here and hasn’t called or texted either.

    I couldn’t take it anymore and since she’s on my cell phone account I looked at the number she was on all last night with and most of the other times too. Her girlfriend friend’s name is Maddie, but when I ran this number it came up José Valarez. Now she did say her girlfriend is Dominican and is wanting to leave her husband so unless his name is José Valarez, then I’ve been fed a line of crap this whole time.

    I don’t know what to do anymore.....

  2. #2
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    How does a lifetime of feeling exactly as you do right now sound?

    If she refuses to admit to anything, how could she ever "change"?

    PS: it's the same issue.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's the same issue. Alcoholism. The "shifting" is her pointing fingers here there and everywhere and unfortunately your denial that all these shifting issues fall under the main heading of alcoholism. AlAnon is an organization for those involved with people who have drinking problems/alcoholism. You can look it up on line, join a support group or attend in person local meetings. It could enlighten you with the experiences of others in your situation. You will see that this sensation of running around after this that and the other issues type dynamic is quite common in the alcoholic-enabler dance.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    There is no other issue here. It's been the same issue from day one in that you are involved with an addict, a liar, and a cheater. In short, a highly disordered individual who is using you, manipulating you, lying to your face with impunity and.....you are willfully in denial about it. Why?

    Are you that afraid to be alone that you'd rather be in this pathetic situation, being treated like the world's biggest fool while your gf is off fck'ing around literally every single night? Is your self esteem so low that you don't think you can do better or deserve better? Are you yourself addicted to the drama and the highs and lows of this kind of a relationship? Are you living out some kind of martyr/savior fantasy? All very serious questions for you to ask yourself. I hate to say this but you need to boot this chick out of your life, block and delete and immediately seek counseling for yourself and deal with what issues you have that keep you in this and your head buried in sand like that. You aren't naive, you know what she is doing....but your denial.....what's that about?

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  6. #5
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    Why is it that you MUST get this one particular woman to love you?

    Please have a better excuse than "But I LOVE her!!!"

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Oh wow, this woman has multiple problems.

    Unless you can get her to counseling to fix this relationship, I would start dating others so you have a fallback girl - that will make it a little easier to move on.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Oh wow, this woman has multiple problems.

    Unless you can get her to counseling to fix this relationship, I would start dating others so you have a fallback girl - that will make it a little easier to move on.
    Why always advise people to use other human beings to make themselves feel better? How would giving someone else the same horrible treatment they received be a good thing?

    I really don't understand this.

    Anyway, OP, please don't do to someone else any of what this woman has done to you.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's difficult for me to tell where her issues begin or end if they end. I'm afraid there are just too many inconsistencies in general. You shouldn't be living with this type of reality. You've done it and now can live to tell the tale. Let this go and start putting the pieces of your life back together.

    Whether or not she's cheating on you isn't really the problem. It's the inconsistencies and not making it when she says she will. It's unpredictable and unfortunately, substance abuse or not, it corrodes the trust in a relationship.

    It's not the end of the world when a relationship ends - just another door opening. It takes effort and a whole lot of determination and getting through it but it'll be worth it in the end if it brings you peace of mind and a more stable and enjoyable life. This shouldn't be the way to live.

  10. 05-18-2019, 11:02 AM


  11. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Op: You really and truly should get yourself into counselling with a therapist proficient in codependency and codependent relationships (google those two terms and educate yourself on what appears to be your 'ism') because you are currently deep in one with this woman.

    This is about you now and your own codependency issues that should be worked on and once you get that light bulb moment with the help of your therapist, you will stop being in denial, you will stop trying to control (while failing at it which makes you emotionally damaged) and you will look at her and your relationship with her in a whole new light once you learn about personal boundaries and not letting people cross them.

    Work on yourself now and leave her to herself while you do it. Stop your need to control, change who you can (you) and change your dysfunctionally learned relationship behavior.

    May I ask: Were either of your parents chronically ill, drug or alcohol abusers, absent while growing up or you were forced to be the adult while your caregivers were needing to be cared for?

  12. #10
    Bronze Member bdwiii's Avatar
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    Yeah, you’re all right and I know it, I just hate like hell to face it and admit it. What’s that old adage, “sometimes love just isn’t enough.”

    I can take anyone going to AA meetings to better themselves, but what I can’t take is AA meetings that last no less than five hours each and every day. If she’s in a relationship it surely isn’t with me, that much is obvious.

    I know what needs to be done, it’s just going to hurt like hell to do it. See she’s also epileptic and she had a seizure this morning around 11:00 a.m., and then slept until 4:00 p.m. she then got up, got showered and dressed and went to her “meeting” at 7:00, and isn’t back yet and it’s 11:32 p.m.

    The other night I told her I couldn’t take this anymore and she cried profusely and begged me not to leave her “like everyone else has done before” but what she fails to see is she’s giving me no choice.

    Thank you all for your kind and intelectual responses, because they’re quite accurate and yes, I definitely have codependency issues, I know.

    Now to bring myself to doing what must be done

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