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Things have just shifted from one issue to another


bdwiii

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Just recently posted about trust issues, and now I’m posting again because nothing has really changed except for the reasons why.

 

What am I talking about? Well before I had posted stating I had trust issues because a year ago she had cheated on me a year ago and I decided to take her back when she asked me to despite it all and give it one more try because I really am in love with her. She of course swore it would never happen again and that the past was the past and she’s like it to stay that way if I’m willing to do this with her and not bring it up each time we have an argument because it drags her through it all again and as she said, how are we supposed to move forward?

 

As you all could see from my last post she started going out “for drinks” with her girlfriend ( whom I have yet to see, speak to, or even see a picture of. She was leaving at 7 and coming home at 11-12 each night! I got very upset about it and told her it’s got to stop or we’re going to stop! So she promised to stop drinking and thus going out with her girlfriend every other night. She does this, however, now it’s been replaced with going out to “AA meetings” every night now from 7-11:30-12:00! Last night she only got back at 1:00 a.m.!

 

Of course I’m tired by that time and we sit and watch something on TV, and then go to bed because we’re exhausted. And last night, when she got home she went out on the deck and sat there chain smoking and talking to her “girlfriend” for yet another 20 minutes! I got upset and went outside and heard her say, “I miss you already” and confronted her about that and she says, “yeah I said that, she’s my best friend!” I turned and went back in the house angry this time and she comes in and argues with me that I’m being ridiculous acting like that because she’s talking to her friend!

 

So we watch a little TV and I said let’s go to bed. She says “I will, I just wanna finish watching this” and I go in to bed, and sure enough she never comes in and slept on the sofa all night. Now tonight, same thing. She left at 5, and swished be back by 9:30, and asked me to make dinner for us when she got home. So I cook a dish of stuffed shells and take it out of the oven hot and ready to eat and t get a text message. “Hey, I finally found a sponsor! I’ll be home around 11:15, love you!” And I texted back, then why did I make this? No answer and now it is 11:15, and she’s not here and hasn’t called or texted either.

 

I couldn’t take it anymore and since she’s on my cell phone account I looked at the number she was on all last night with and most of the other times too. Her girlfriend friend’s name is Maddie, but when I ran this number it came up José Valarez. Now she did say her girlfriend is Dominican and is wanting to leave her husband so unless his name is José Valarez, then I’ve been fed a line of crap this whole time.

 

I don’t know what to do anymore.....

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It's the same issue. Alcoholism. The "shifting" is her pointing fingers here there and everywhere and unfortunately your denial that all these shifting issues fall under the main heading of alcoholism. AlAnon is an organization for those involved with people who have drinking problems/alcoholism. You can look it up on line, join a support group or attend in person local meetings. It could enlighten you with the experiences of others in your situation. You will see that this sensation of running around after this that and the other issues type dynamic is quite common in the alcoholic-enabler dance.

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There is no other issue here. It's been the same issue from day one in that you are involved with an addict, a liar, and a cheater. In short, a highly disordered individual who is using you, manipulating you, lying to your face with impunity and.....you are willfully in denial about it. Why?

 

Are you that afraid to be alone that you'd rather be in this pathetic situation, being treated like the world's biggest fool while your gf is off fck'ing around literally every single night? Is your self esteem so low that you don't think you can do better or deserve better? Are you yourself addicted to the drama and the highs and lows of this kind of a relationship? Are you living out some kind of martyr/savior fantasy? All very serious questions for you to ask yourself. I hate to say this but you need to boot this chick out of your life, block and delete and immediately seek counseling for yourself and deal with what issues you have that keep you in this and your head buried in sand like that. You aren't naive, you know what she is doing....but your denial.....what's that about?

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Oh wow, this woman has multiple problems.

 

Unless you can get her to counseling to fix this relationship, I would start dating others so you have a fallback girl - that will make it a little easier to move on.

 

Why always advise people to use other human beings to make themselves feel better? How would giving someone else the same horrible treatment they received be a good thing?

 

I really don't understand this.

 

Anyway, OP, please don't do to someone else any of what this woman has done to you.

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It's difficult for me to tell where her issues begin or end if they end. I'm afraid there are just too many inconsistencies in general. You shouldn't be living with this type of reality. You've done it and now can live to tell the tale. Let this go and start putting the pieces of your life back together.

 

Whether or not she's cheating on you isn't really the problem. It's the inconsistencies and not making it when she says she will. It's unpredictable and unfortunately, substance abuse or not, it corrodes the trust in a relationship.

 

It's not the end of the world when a relationship ends - just another door opening. It takes effort and a whole lot of determination and getting through it but it'll be worth it in the end if it brings you peace of mind and a more stable and enjoyable life. This shouldn't be the way to live.

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Op: You really and truly should get yourself into counselling with a therapist proficient in codependency and codependent relationships (google those two terms and educate yourself on what appears to be your 'ism') because you are currently deep in one with this woman.

 

This is about you now and your own codependency issues that should be worked on and once you get that light bulb moment with the help of your therapist, you will stop being in denial, you will stop trying to control (while failing at it which makes you emotionally damaged) and you will look at her and your relationship with her in a whole new light once you learn about personal boundaries and not letting people cross them.

 

Work on yourself now and leave her to herself while you do it. Stop your need to control, change who you can (you) and change your dysfunctionally learned relationship behavior.

 

May I ask: Were either of your parents chronically ill, drug or alcohol abusers, absent while growing up or you were forced to be the adult while your caregivers were needing to be cared for?

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Yeah, you’re all right and I know it, I just hate like hell to face it and admit it. What’s that old adage, “sometimes love just isn’t enough.”

 

I can take anyone going to AA meetings to better themselves, but what I can’t take is AA meetings that last no less than five hours each and every day. If she’s in a relationship it surely isn’t with me, that much is obvious.

 

I know what needs to be done, it’s just going to hurt like hell to do it. See she’s also epileptic and she had a seizure this morning around 11:00 a.m., and then slept until 4:00 p.m. she then got up, got showered and dressed and went to her “meeting” at 7:00, and isn’t back yet and it’s 11:32 p.m.

 

The other night I told her I couldn’t take this anymore and she cried profusely and begged me not to leave her “like everyone else has done before” but what she fails to see is she’s giving me no choice.

 

Thank you all for your kind and intelectual responses, because they’re quite accurate and yes, I definitely have codependency issues, I know.

 

Now to bring myself to doing what must be done

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Wow, you do know the drill here that’s for sure with the tears and guilting. That’s exactly what she does and then the excuse for the extended AA meetings are that it keeps her sober and that’s for us, but when I run the numbers she’s calling that tells a different story. Example. She went to a regional meeting with the sponsors today and left at 1:00, now it’s 9:37 pm and still hasn’t returned and isn’t answering my texts when I ask her when she’s coming home!

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Well I texted her several times to see when she was coming home since she was gone since one in the afternoon, and I wasn’t continuously texting, but first after five hours, and then when 7:00 pm rolled around, I waited an hour and a half until 9:00 pm and asked when she was coming home. She wasn’t answering and then finally she answered annoyed because I persisted wanting an answer. She then said I told you we were gonna spend the night watching movies all night!

 

I remembered the gonna watch movies but not all night as in she was gonna spend the night there! That I was absolutely not ok with because of how new our relationship is after her cheating on me the last time. So no, after two weeks of “trying again” her spending the night at someone’s house whom I have never seen or met at all, or even spoke to on the phone was out of the question! Yeah she said it was her new sponsor and that’s what she was doing, just getting to know her and bonding with her. And she became angry saying “I didn’t do anything wrong except work on my recovery and you’re persecuting me for that!” Of course I felt bad and guilty as if I was being the unsupportive bad guy who’s ruing our relationship by acting the way I was! However, because of the past and what she did in the past, and not ever seeing or speaking to this person, who would be comfortable with that situation after only two weeks in?! I don’t think anyone would be.

 

So as I’m texting her back saying fine then you can just live there too then, that I can’t do this anymore, all of a sudden I hear the door opening and there she is standing there and comes in. I expected her to start packing her things but she didn’t, she just said “there, are you happy now? I didn’t do anything wrong but to avoid an argument here I am.” And she went into the bedroom got undressed and went to bed. I’m still sitting here in the living room writing this post.

 

I almost think that maybe I am overreacting and messing things up and if I am I could never forgive myself.

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maybe I am overreacting

 

Nope.

 

You have trust issues with this person not because you have a problem or you are a problem but because she has previously broken that trust. And it doesn't sound like she is doing all that much to build it back. She is putting you in a terrible situation. You deserve better. The thing about alcoholism is that it isn't always just about that one thing - the dependency that she had for alcohol can just get shifted to other things and some people can be just as damaging without alcohol as with it (I know - my father was an alcoholic). I have no idea what she is doing when she is out but she's not with you and it really doesn't sound like she is doing her part in this relationship at all. Turning up once with a "happy now?" attitude doesn't fix things.

 

She probably has a lot of issues that she's dealing with but they are her issues to deal with and there is a huge limit to what you can do to help her. And while trying, you could be doing immense damage to your own wellbeing. I don't know what else she is doing, whether these are just alcohol meetings but, if I were you, I would recommend therapy, counselling or whatever. I would help her set it up. And I would leave. Because this is not how to exist in a relationship and this is no good for you and it's probably not good for her either, in spite of what she might say or think when you cut ties. I think you need to build a new life away from this person.

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Nope.

 

You have trust issues with this person not because you have a problem or you are a problem but because she has previously broken that trust. And it doesn't sound like she is doing all that much to build it back. She is putting you in a terrible situation. You deserve better. The thing about alcoholism is that it isn't always just about that one thing - the dependency that she had for alcohol can just get shifted to other things and some people can be just as damaging without alcohol as with it (I know - my father was an alcoholic). I have no idea what she is doing when she is out but she's not with you and it really doesn't sound like she is doing her part in this relationship at all. Turning up once with a "happy now?" attitude doesn't fix things.

 

She probably has a lot of issues that she's dealing with but they are her issues to deal with and there is a huge limit to what you can do to help her. And while trying, you could be doing immense damage to your own wellbeing. I don't know what else she is doing, whether these are just alcohol meetings but, if I were you, I would recommend therapy, counselling or whatever. I would help her set it up. And I would leave. Because this is not how to exist in a relationship and this is no good for you and it's probably not good for her either, in spite of what she might say or think when you cut ties. I think you need to build a new life away from this person.

^^^ Worth repeating.

 

I'll just add not to forget looking into your own therapy to help you get through your codependency issues, BDWiii. Al-anon is free and it will help you to understand, form personal boundaries and change dysfunctional learned relationship dynamics.

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OP, an AA meeting typically only lasts an hour. Effective attendance frequency is once a week. Even IF she is really going to AA daily, the remainder of her time is spent doing something else, be it socializing or worse. She is out because she wants to be and it has nothing to do with AA. You know perfectly well how to look up information like this and verify whatever bs she is feeding you independently and on your own. It seems to me like you are afraid to. You already know it's all bs, but....well....what are you afraid of? Finding out that she is exactly who you already know she is? Nothing new. It's more about you accepting reality and doing something for yourself - getting rid of a dysfunctional individual.

 

The fact that you'd rather play the control and confront games and demand she gets home when you want her to.....just keeps circling back to your own serious issues that need to be addressed. You can't tell another adult what to do or how to live. You cannot parent another adult the way you are trying to with her. If what they are doing doesn't suit you, your only choice is to get rid of them and find a healthier relationship with someone else where you are both on the same page about things like morals, values, lifestyle, time spent together, etc. Your life won't fall apart just because you kick out a cheating user. Actually...I hear things tend to get much better. That said, I think you do need some professional help and counseling to be able to see it and grasp it. Otherwise you'll just keeping falling into the same unhealthy rut, even if she has a different name and look...at first.....

 

Opt to help yourself for once.

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