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Thread: Things have just shifted from one issue to another

  1. #11
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Find yourself a good therapist to speak with who will (hopefully) help you to stop yourself from being hoovered back to her with her tears and guilting.

  2. #12
    Bronze Member bdwiii's Avatar
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    Wow, you do know the drill here thatís for sure with the tears and guilting. Thatís exactly what she does and then the excuse for the extended AA meetings are that it keeps her sober and thatís for us, but when I run the numbers sheís calling that tells a different story. Example. She went to a regional meeting with the sponsors today and left at 1:00, now itís 9:37 pm and still hasnít returned and isnít answering my texts when I ask her when sheís coming home!

  3. #13
    Bronze Member bdwiii's Avatar
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    Well I texted her several times to see when she was coming home since she was gone since one in the afternoon, and I wasnít continuously texting, but first after five hours, and then when 7:00 pm rolled around, I waited an hour and a half until 9:00 pm and asked when she was coming home. She wasnít answering and then finally she answered annoyed because I persisted wanting an answer. She then said I told you we were gonna spend the night watching movies all night!

    I remembered the gonna watch movies but not all night as in she was gonna spend the night there! That I was absolutely not ok with because of how new our relationship is after her cheating on me the last time. So no, after two weeks of ďtrying againĒ her spending the night at someoneís house whom I have never seen or met at all, or even spoke to on the phone was out of the question! Yeah she said it was her new sponsor and thatís what she was doing, just getting to know her and bonding with her. And she became angry saying ďI didnít do anything wrong except work on my recovery and youíre persecuting me for that!Ē Of course I felt bad and guilty as if I was being the unsupportive bad guy whoís ruing our relationship by acting the way I was! However, because of the past and what she did in the past, and not ever seeing or speaking to this person, who would be comfortable with that situation after only two weeks in?! I donít think anyone would be.

    So as Iím texting her back saying fine then you can just live there too then, that I canít do this anymore, all of a sudden I hear the door opening and there she is standing there and comes in. I expected her to start packing her things but she didnít, she just said ďthere, are you happy now? I didnít do anything wrong but to avoid an argument here I am.Ē And she went into the bedroom got undressed and went to bed. Iím still sitting here in the living room writing this post.

    I almost think that maybe I am overreacting and messing things up and if I am I could never forgive myself.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by bdwiii
    maybe I am overreacting
    Nope.

    You have trust issues with this person not because you have a problem or you are a problem but because she has previously broken that trust. And it doesn't sound like she is doing all that much to build it back. She is putting you in a terrible situation. You deserve better. The thing about alcoholism is that it isn't always just about that one thing - the dependency that she had for alcohol can just get shifted to other things and some people can be just as damaging without alcohol as with it (I know - my father was an alcoholic). I have no idea what she is doing when she is out but she's not with you and it really doesn't sound like she is doing her part in this relationship at all. Turning up once with a "happy now?" attitude doesn't fix things.

    She probably has a lot of issues that she's dealing with but they are her issues to deal with and there is a huge limit to what you can do to help her. And while trying, you could be doing immense damage to your own wellbeing. I don't know what else she is doing, whether these are just alcohol meetings but, if I were you, I would recommend therapy, counselling or whatever. I would help her set it up. And I would leave. Because this is not how to exist in a relationship and this is no good for you and it's probably not good for her either, in spite of what she might say or think when you cut ties. I think you need to build a new life away from this person.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Greg40s
    Nope.

    You have trust issues with this person not because you have a problem or you are a problem but because she has previously broken that trust. And it doesn't sound like she is doing all that much to build it back. She is putting you in a terrible situation. You deserve better. The thing about alcoholism is that it isn't always just about that one thing - the dependency that she had for alcohol can just get shifted to other things and some people can be just as damaging without alcohol as with it (I know - my father was an alcoholic). I have no idea what she is doing when she is out but she's not with you and it really doesn't sound like she is doing her part in this relationship at all. Turning up once with a "happy now?" attitude doesn't fix things.

    She probably has a lot of issues that she's dealing with but they are her issues to deal with and there is a huge limit to what you can do to help her. And while trying, you could be doing immense damage to your own wellbeing. I don't know what else she is doing, whether these are just alcohol meetings but, if I were you, I would recommend therapy, counselling or whatever. I would help her set it up. And I would leave. Because this is not how to exist in a relationship and this is no good for you and it's probably not good for her either, in spite of what she might say or think when you cut ties. I think you need to build a new life away from this person.
    ^^^ Worth repeating.

    I'll just add not to forget looking into your own therapy to help you get through your codependency issues, BDWiii. Al-anon is free and it will help you to understand, form personal boundaries and change dysfunctional learned relationship dynamics.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    OP, an AA meeting typically only lasts an hour. Effective attendance frequency is once a week. Even IF she is really going to AA daily, the remainder of her time is spent doing something else, be it socializing or worse. She is out because she wants to be and it has nothing to do with AA. You know perfectly well how to look up information like this and verify whatever bs she is feeding you independently and on your own. It seems to me like you are afraid to. You already know it's all bs, but....well....what are you afraid of? Finding out that she is exactly who you already know she is? Nothing new. It's more about you accepting reality and doing something for yourself - getting rid of a dysfunctional individual.

    The fact that you'd rather play the control and confront games and demand she gets home when you want her to.....just keeps circling back to your own serious issues that need to be addressed. You can't tell another adult what to do or how to live. You cannot parent another adult the way you are trying to with her. If what they are doing doesn't suit you, your only choice is to get rid of them and find a healthier relationship with someone else where you are both on the same page about things like morals, values, lifestyle, time spent together, etc. Your life won't fall apart just because you kick out a cheating user. Actually...I hear things tend to get much better. That said, I think you do need some professional help and counseling to be able to see it and grasp it. Otherwise you'll just keeping falling into the same unhealthy rut, even if she has a different name and look...at first.....

    Opt to help yourself for once.

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