I want out of this relationship what should I do?

I have been in a relationship for just under 3 years with my partner she is 32 and I’m 31. We both met on a dating site.

At the start of the relationship, we saw each other every weekend as she lived in London working as a live-in au pair and I lived 2 hours away so I use to drive down and pick her up and she’d come back to mine.

After 7 months of being with her, she fell pregnant which was a shock to both of us as she was told by a doctor in Romania ( where she is originally from) a few years previous before she came to live here that she’d never be able to get pregnant. She did the pregnancy test with me one weekend and my reaction after finding out was shock and lots of things going through my head all at once. I wasn’t bouncing up and down with joy I wasn’t planned for this moment.

We weren’t living together, I was renting a room in a house share which meant I’d need to hurry up and find someone else to live for us to live together, I was also thinking is this too early in the relationship to have a baby with her. So I asked the question what are we going to do do you think this is too early to have a baby? and how do you feel? She wasn’t happy at all that I asked those questions she was angry at me and expected me to be jumping for joy but like I said I was in shock.

During the time that she was pregnant, I’d book days off work to go with her to the pregnancy scans and tests that she needed to have which were in London. I wanted to be with her and to show her some support but leading up to the scan which revealed if we were having a boy or girl she was angry at me and told me that she never wanted to see me again because according to her I’m a piece of and I don’t care about her nor our baby even though I put a lot of effert in every time she had a scan or doctors appoint in London to be with her ( This was all because of my reaction at finding out that she was pregnant) which wasn’t true at all.

Before I got on the train to London to go to the scan appointment ( revealing the sex of our baby) I phoned her to say that I’m on my way but she didn’t answer and eventually turned her phone off so i sent her a text message instead. I decided that there was no way that I’ll miss this appointment which I had been looking forward to for weeks so I got on the train spent just over 2 hours travelling to the hospital for her to call me back when I arrived in London and say that she has cancelled the appointment. I was heartbroken and thought how can she do this to me I hadn’t done anything to deserve this. I phoned the hospital to confirm that the appointment had been cancelled and they told me that it hadn’t so when she eventually arrived at the hospital she was shocked that I was there and at first she didn’t want me to come into the room with her. Eventually, I followed her in and got to find out the sex of our baby “ a boy “I was over the moon and couldn't stop smiling.

Fast forward to now our son is 14 months old and we are all living together, however, the relationship is at a dead end. She is constantly angry and depressed but refuses to get help. She still calls me a piece of and that I’m the worse dad in the world saying that I don't care about her or our son and calls our son my son and sometimes tells me our son isn’t my son ( telling me also that I'm not he'd dad) and that I need to change his surname. He looks just like me when I was his age so I know she is just trying to mess with my head. When I tell her I’m going to get a DNA test she twists things and says that I don’t think he is my son and that she never said what she said. She has also told me to go and kill myself.

On an odd day she is completely different and tells me how much she loves me and that I’m a great dad and then she is back to her normal self.

I want out of this relationship but she is persisting that I need to change our son's surname for her to leave the relationship or for me to leave the relationship. I have nowhere to go and nor does she unless she moves back to live with her mum in Romania which would mean I’d never see my son again as she wouldn’t tell me her address.

She has messed my head up so much its effecting everything I do now I can’t concentrate at work and can’t relax at home. I pay all the bills and can’t afford to move out and pay 2 lots of bills.

What should I do??

Wow.. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

Your gf sounds very unstable. In my opinion she’s very abusive so for that reason alone, it’s better if you break up. is your family nearby? Are they supportive? I am from USA so I don’t know the legal process there but it would help if you seek some legal advice. I don’t believe she can “make” you change your sons legal surname on the birth certificate. If anyone knows better, correct me.

How is she with the baby? Loving and caring? Just hope he isn’t used as a weapon in all this.

This sounds pretty awful—so sorry.

I'm also from the US, so not sure how things work over there, but the first thing I'd do is get in touch with a lawyer so you know the various ways this can go down—basically how the law works, rather than whatever she'll say or threaten. Make that a first step—for you, for your son.

I'd also—I hate to say—consider a DNA test. You guys were semi long distance during those early days, and back then you were posting on here about her still being on the dating apps. Not saying this to freak you out—but, well, you're in a pretty turbulent situation. Either she's just a deeply unstable person or she's flinging a lot of guilt and shame of her own at you. Me, I'd want to know the hard facts.

I mean, I can understand how she'd have preferred you jumped for joy. But, c'mon, to be wielding that early reaction the way she did? That's just unstable, plain and simple.

This sounds pretty awful—so sorry.

 

I'm also from the US, so not sure how things work over there, but the first thing I'd do is get in touch with a lawyer so you know the various ways this can go down—basically how the law works, rather than whatever she'll say or threaten. Make that a first step—for you, for your son.

 

I'd also—I hate to say—consider a DNA test. You guys were semi long distance during those early days, and back then you were posting on here about her still being on the dating apps. Not saying this to freak you out—but, well, you're in a pretty turbulent situation. Either she's just a deeply unstable person or she's flinging a lot of guilt and shame of her own at you. Me, I'd want to know the hard facts.

 

I mean, I can understand how she'd have preferred you jumped for joy. But, c'mon, to be wielding that early reaction the way she did? That's just unstable, plain and simple.

Good advice....

This definitely sounds like an unhealthy relationship. Honestly, I'm not sure how true what she said about being told she couldn't have kids was. It's possible she could have just said that so it would be easier for you to impregnate her. Either way, that's too late to matter at this point.

I would definitely find a way out of the relationship. I would also consult with a lawyer first regarding the legal issues with your child. I would also be concerned about your son with her mental state. If you feel at all uncomfortable with the idea of her raising your son by herself in her mental state you may want to consider trying to get custody of him if you feel you can step up and take that responsibility as a single dad.

I don't know what your living situation is like when it comes to the place you two are staying in but I would look into breaking the lease or not renewing the lease when it's expired and moving somewhere else alone. I know that's hard to do if finances are tight but you gotta do what you gotta do to get out of that situation.

Good luck with everything. Definitely get expert legal advice before proceeding and definitely stick to your guns and do what's best for you in the long run.

Could be post partum depression she is going through. She probably expected you to.pop the question and get married maybe? You do not want her to move to Romania and take your son. I would see a lawyer and get custody. She is unstable. You need legal counsel.

Call a lawyer, OP. You really need to get informed about your rights as the father, and you need to do it now. This is imperative before she decides to up and move back to Romania with him.

You would also be very wise to go ahead and have a DNA test performed. A baby looking like you isn't proof that you are in fact the child's father.

I am sorry you're in this position. She sounds very emotionally unstable and incredibly angry at the world. The relationship is as good as over but you need legal advice before you take any further steps.

Oh wow, it sounds like she has a mental health issue. maybe temporary post partum depression. Counseling would be a good first step.

Honestly, I'm not sure how true what she said about being told she couldn't have kids was. It's possible she could have just said that so it would be easier for you to impregnate her.

This was one of my first thoughts. You'll probably never know for sure, but I'd smell a rat and think was trying to trap you based on her current behavior.

I would echo everyone's advice to this point. Talk to a lawyer and figure out what rights you have... and DON'T let her know you're doing so. Do it to help guide your actions from here on out.

This is just a suck bomb all around, OP. My heart goes out to you. It gets better!

I had a friend who acted like this.

Post partum combined with accepting the dream she prpbably had when she was younger about love marriage and baby with the baby carriage, same expectation you had, is all down the drain and she instead got a guy who’s there because of obligation.

The thing is my friend was a good person but having to well settle... really killed her.

She eventually left and she’s back to being herself. Trust me she knows you’re there out of obligation. Don’t act like you’re a martyr, trust me you’re not, I’m sure the fact that you’re settling doesn’t make you the best partner either.

You two just aren’t meant for eachoher you both screwed up ( yes both! I don’t care if she showed you her ovaries in a jar take responsibility about wearing a condom) own it, both of you need to be adults and figure out how to coparent, apart. She didn’t live in Romania when you met her so I don’t know where this idea that she has to move back is coming from but it’s a load... I’m sure with child support, and/or shared custody, she could get on her feet and you can be on your own and HAPPY! Don’t waste your life being miserable because you want to convince yourself you’re doing the right thing, you’re not... you aren’t even taking full responsibility here you’re viewing your son as a nephew you’d visit, you have as many rights as she’s does and responsibility, you have as much choice as she does don’t let anyone convince you, you don’t.Please remember that