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Thread: The Other Woman or Not

  1. #41
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Cope,

    I almost never respond to someone else's post but I am afraid you are in danger of ending in a similar situation if you continue to have the mindset you have.

    Yes this is a black and white issue, it is a simple fact of right and wrong with no grey areas at all. She knew full well he was married and had sex with him anyways and that is wrong. She continued to help him cheat which is wrong. He is a lair and a cheater which is wrong.

    The only grey area's are the ones people convince themselves of when they are doing something they know is wrong but want to continue for whatever reason. Whether they are lonely or down on their luck or whatever but any grey area that comes up is because they choose to make it one in their head but it never changes the simple fact that cheating or helping someone cheat is wrong.

    In this case the OP got herself into this and needs to extract herself as fast as possible. That is the first right thing she can do for herself, this guys wife and family. If I were her I would dime up on the piece of crap too...

    Lost

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Lost, thank you for your concern, truly! I feel that you haven't read all my posts, they were indeed quite a few, but I have already been in a situation like that, NEVER again for many reasons. For me, now, it is black and white, but it was all gray when I was getting into it.

    I've explained the reasons I got sucked into it in my previous posts , and I have taken my share of the blame.

    I am just stating that just like me, there are "other men/women" who really need help to get out of this, and when they do ask for it, we should give it to them and not judge. This one seems like one of those.

    All good!

  3. #43
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I'm curious, did you finally leave when you found out there were more women?

    NO! She is not a victim. Terrible. She actively sought out a married man to have an affair wife. She is still having the affair, as she has no cern how this will impact others lives. Selfish. Nothing is preventing her from ending things. That is ridiciculous that she is incapable of ending things.

    Cope, you were never a victim. You could have made many other choices, including not dating, or seeking therapy.
    Even though I can sympathize with the mental health/circunstances that lead people to make bad decisions, someone who chooses (yes, it's a choice) regardless of the reason to date a man they know is married/in a committed relationship is not a victim. One thing would be if she didn't know he was married, he had concealed the relationship and she only found out now. Then I'd agree she was a victim because she made choices without being given full relevant information that would've made her choose otherwise. No one made her date a married man.

    And I think that attributing victimhood to these situations is actually not doing any good for the person, because it strips them away from accountability. And accountability and taking responsibility is the only way to learn, change and move on to do better in the future. Only when we take responsibility for our actions do we gain power and control to do better.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cope
    Lost, thank you for your concern, truly! I feel that you haven't read all my posts, they were indeed quite a few, but I have already been in a situation like that, NEVER again for many reasons. For me, now, it is black and white, but it was all gray when I was getting into it.

    I've explained the reasons I got sucked into it in my previous posts , and I have taken my share of the blame.

    I am just stating that just like me, there are "other men/women" who really need help to get out of this, and when they do ask for it, we should give it to them and not judge. This one seems like one of those.

    All good!
    I think that giving help is not enabling behaviors we know are hurtful to the person or people around them and trying to make them see that instead of being a victim with no choice, they have the power to get out of said situation (if they truly want to, sometimes people are hurting but don't want to get out of the situation and are afraid of doing so and then we have to respect this).

    I don't think saying that enabling someone to cheat (being the other woman/man) is a choice and something that the person can choose to stop is judging someone or not helping them.

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cope
    Lost, thank you for your concern, truly! I feel that you haven't read all my posts, they were indeed quite a few, but I have already been in a situation like that, NEVER again for many reasons. For me, now, it is black and white, but it was all gray when I was getting into it.

    I've explained the reasons I got sucked into it in my previous posts , and I have taken my share of the blame.

    I am just stating that just like me, there are "other men/women" who really need help to get out of this, and when they do ask for it, we should give it to them and not judge. This one seems like one of those.

    All good!
    Cope,
    I have read many of your posts and I do appreciate your response. Think of it this way: If you found yourself in that situation what would have helped you snap out of it faster? Someone being totally frank with you and letting you know that it is wrong no matter the situation, mental condition or circumstance or if someone sympathetically told you that you aren't really wrong because you were preyed upon or taken advantage of? Cheaters and cheaties (I know that isn't a real word) all know what they are doing is wrong and you know as well as I the number of excuses we have all seen on here are numerous. Not one has ever changed cheating from black and white to grey.
    I totally get that you are sympathetic and feel for the OP but in these cases stopping the cheating or in this case helping cheat is step one, then someone like you that has insight how this can happen can really help them understand how they got here and how to never end up here again. This is where I struggle. I have known smart strong beautiful women that have allowed themselves to be marginalized into being the side chick when they could have just about any single man they wanted.

    I am glad you are here.

    OP, keep posting even if what you hear is hard to read. No one is condemning you, we want to help you get out of this mess so you can be in a healthy relationship.

    Lost

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