Jump to content

The Other Woman or Not


BetsyBlu

Recommended Posts

I’m a divorced lady and I started seeing a married guy about 3 years ago. He claims that he hasn’t been intimate or involved with his wife since before we met. I know that’s a typical excuse for a man wanting to have his bread buttered both sides but part of me fell for it. But then I noticed that he’s still very much involved with his wife and her family. Many photos and co-incidences of events have surfaced and every time I approached him about it, he has all kinds of excuses - that it’s old photos or events that happened years ago. He kept saying he is starting divorce proceedings but he said it’s delayed because of finance issues and because his wife is waiting for him to be financially stable before she files for divorce. I feel he is trying to hold onto to me because of sex and because he says he enjoys his life more because of our traveling and doing spontaneous things. I somehow don’t believe anything he says and I’ve tried to break it off many times but when I do he accuses me of cheating on him - which is absolutely untrue. How can I leave him without him having this hold on me? Also I still have strong feelings for my ex husband but he won’t reconcile because of my involvement. How can I let go of what I am doing wrong without him having to make me feel like I’m the guilty one?

Link to comment

Really? He's not going to leave her, he likes his bread buttered on both sides. You are being a fool for believing him. All of his excuses are BS. If he wanted to split from her, he would have done it long ago.

 

Let him accuse you of cheating, what does that matter? HE is a cheater!!! Tell him it's over, block and delete him and change your phone number. Dont talk to him. Time for you to wake up.

Link to comment

Go out and meet other people. I think you're stuck seeing the same men, thinking this is it for you. As a result you continue to associate all your options with the married man and your ex-husband. Your marriage is over, imo. It's not fair to keep stringing him along. The married man is a dead end. Let him go.

Link to comment
How can I let go of what I am doing wrong without him having to make me feel like I’m the guilty one?

 

You can't. Simple as that. Ex's will often try to turn this into your fault and/or try to guilt you, no matter what. It doesn't matter what you say, or what you do, even if you're in the right. It will be easier for you just to accept he'll never come to terms with you breaking up with him and to bite the bullet. It doesn't matter what he, or anyone else thinks. This is for you.

Link to comment

He doesn't have any hold on you. You are actively choosing to buy his bs and outrageous lies in order to have an affair and help this loser cheat on his wife. You KNOW this perfectly well. So better question is what's wrong with you and your life that you are stooping so pitifully low? Getting rid of him is very simple - block and delete and be done. If he can't contact you, he can't stay in your life and keep feeding you bs and lies. You are allowing it willingly.

 

As for him accusing you of cheating. Seriously hilarious. Cheaters quite often accuse others of cheating. It's really a form of gaslighting. While you are busy defending your loyalty, you have no time to take a better look at his lack of. I'd also bet good money that his wife has no idea that she wants to divorce him......and how are you two traveling if he is so broke she can't divorce him until he gets his finances in order? I really hope you aren't funding him on these trips....because....well.....censored.....

Link to comment

You're half way there, trust your guts. You don't really want to be with this guy, so why do you care what he thinks? Take him off that pedestal, go NC and block him as already advised.

 

Focus on all the negatives and remember, you're doing this for YOU because you deserve way much more than he's offering.

Link to comment

Sounds, actually, like what you have right now is the perfect man for what you want.

 

Seeing a married man—a man who, let's be real, you don't trust, respect, or see a future with, since his relationship with you wouldn't exist without him being a liar and a cheater—allows you to enjoy the comforts of a "relationship" while holding out hope that you and your ex-husband will reconcile.

 

Except he won't entertain that because you're seeing someone—someone who, alas, is married. Which, even if you ended things, your ex-husband might have reasons to be less than enthusiastic about a round two with you—since aside from whatever went wrong in your marriage he now knows you to be someone who will engage in an affair.

 

The story that you have somehow "tried" to break it off but "failed"—well, that's not real. That's the comforting story that allows you to avoid admitting that you've chosen this life and are as active a participant as he is. He's choosing to cheat on his wife, you're choosing, really, to cheat on yourself.

 

And it's very messy. But that mess does allow you to avoid something, which is being alone.

 

Thing is? Right now? You're even lonelier than alone. None of the romantic interests in your life are the path to anything like happiness. Take a deep breath, accept that, cut them out, and feel the waves of feelings you need to feel. It'll be hard, but you'll survive. You'll be stronger, truer, and proud of yourself for shedding these husks. There's real happiness right there—right there waiting for you to grab it. And when you do you'll have something that you value enough to share with someone who can value it back.

Link to comment

I’ve tried to break it off many times but when I do he accuses me of cheating on him - which is absolutely untrue. How can I leave him without him having this hold on me? Also I still have strong feelings for my ex husband but he won’t reconcile because of my involvement. How can I let go of what I am doing wrong without him having to make me feel like I’m the guilty one?

 

How does one feel obligated to a dysfunctional relationship when they are accused of cheating? So, you aren't staying because this is healthy, viable relationship? Instead you are staying to prove him wrong? Think about this for a minute.

 

If you know the truth, who cares what any body else thinks?

He says it because it gets a rise out of you and it works. How about you break that spell and shrug it off the next time he says it. Don't give anyone that kind of power to where you catch yourself unable to act on your own behalf.

 

(Personally, I'd laugh at the absurdity)

 

Change your phone number while you are at it and go out with some girlfriends instead.

Link to comment

His excuses are lame and I wouldn't believe what he says. I'd trust your gut and believe his actions! He's still married. If he has to be financially stable to divorce his wife he would find a way and make sure to make it happen. If he wanted to be with you he'd be taking all of the actions he needed as promptly as possible to make it happen. He wants the best of both worlds.

 

Of course he's going to accuse and blame you if you try to end it. He is probably guilty himself for being a married man and cheating so of course he'll jump to conclusions and assume your cheating. Don't worry about what he thinks about it. You know your truth and if he doesn't believe you or trust you and he's not doing anything to have a real relationship out of you then he isn't worth it. Right now he's reaping all the benefits because he gets to have you and have sex with you and doesn't have to commit to you whether he says it or not. He's not married to you.

 

He can't have any hold on you if you don't allow him to. Stop giving him the power. Stop caring what he says and thinks. End things and try to move on.

 

I also don't recommend going back to your ex husband since things ended there for their own reasons. I'd let it be. Maybe it's time to reevaluate what YOU want and stop settling because you care and you get a little bit of what you want here or there. Start looking after what is important for you!

 

If you want a committed relationship with someone you care and love you need to stop settling for less.

Link to comment
I feel he is trying to hold onto to me because of sex
Ya think? O.o

 

Also I still have strong feelings for my ex husband but he won’t reconcile because of my involvement.
So were you cheating on your husband too? Anyway, maybe if you uninvolved yourself with the man that is buttering his bread on both sides, your ex might change his mind.

 

In the meantime, just tell Mr. Becel that you are done with him and if you are still uncommitted when his divorce if finalized you will consider meeting him for a cup of coffee, until then, tell him to leave you alone. You really need to be single for a while until you are actually ready to be in something committed and serious, clearly you are not ready for any of that, if you were, you'd keep yourself away from married men.

Link to comment
Wake up. You are his side piece. He has been intimate with his WIFE all along. I will never understand how people get involved in these situations. Shame on you!

 

Because shut happens. Because we are sometimes weak and feeling so unworthy of love. Because we're used to being second. There are many many reasons one could get caught up in something like this and the last thing they need is to be shamed about it. I don't know the OP, but when I was in a similar situation, I felt so ashamed on my own, no need for more added shame. I did welcome it though because that was part of my psych at that time. If you don't feel worthy, you deserve to be shamed. But that just makes the cycle continue forever.

 

This however, is not helpful for the OP, that is asking for help and she truly wants out. Directing anger to the other woman is typical, when most of the blame is to be put on the cheating spouse. If she was here asking for ways to split him from his wife, that'd be a different story.

 

Edit to add: mine turned out to be a sociopath. Not saying all cheating men are, but most are manipulative and that kind of behavior does not blend well with a person with low self esteem to say the least. It's their perfect victim.

Link to comment

Sorry this is happening. The loneliness of your divorce is accentuated in this harmful situation of lies and a part-time lover. Make an appt with a therapist to sort out the post divorce issues and grasping at something this damaging as a band aid.

 

You know you are being strung along, it's going nowhere and that you have to get out of this quicksand. This insight will help you tremendously in extricating yourself from this post-divorce mess. Allow a therapist to guide you through that process.

I’m a divorced lady and I started seeing a married guy about 3 years ago. He claims that he hasn’t been intimate or involved with his wife since before we met
Link to comment
Because shut happens. Because we are sometimes weak and feeling so unworthy of love. Because we're used to being second. There are many many reasons one could get caught up in something like this and the last thing they need is to be shamed about it. I don't know the OP, but when I was in a similar situation, I felt so ashamed on my own, no need for more added shame. I did welcome it though because that was part of my psych at that time. If you don't feel worthy, you deserve to be shamed. But that just makes the cycle continue forever.

 

This however, is not helpful for the OP, that is asking for help and she truly wants out. Directing anger to the other woman is typical, when most of the blame is to be put on the cheating spouse. If she was here asking for ways to split him from his wife, that'd be a different story.

 

Edit to add: mine turned out to be a sociopath. Not saying all cheating men are, but most are manipulative and that kind of behavior does not blend well with a person with low self esteem to say the least. It's their perfect victim.

 

There is no excuse to get involved with someone who has a partner or wife. Many have low self esteem and do not travel down this road, in hopes of breaking up another relationship.. It is selfish and wrong. Let's stop excusing bad behavior. We have become the culture of no responsibility.

 

She is not a victim, but the wife is.

 

There is so much shame but she continues? Huh! I blame both of them, but I can only respond to the OP.

Link to comment
There is no excuse to get involved with someone who has a partner or wife. Many have low self esteem and do not travel down this road, in hopes of breaking up another relationship.. It is selfish and wrong. Let's stop excusing bad behavior. We have become the culture of no responsibility.

 

She is not a victim, but the wife is.

 

There is so much shame but she continues? Huh! I blame both of them, but I can only respond to the OP.

 

I couldn't agree more. Justifications and excuses are just lame attempts at marginalizing the lies, hurt, betrayal and selfishness on both their parts. Just because she is single does not absolve her of complicity in this affair. Is this guy a lying dirt bag? Absolutely but saying she cannot stop this herself is ridiculous. She is a grown woman that knows right from wrong and she keeps choosing wrong. It is that simple...

 

Lost

Link to comment

"then I noticed that he’s still very much involved with his wife and her family". Are you for real, OP? You knew somewhere in your heart that this had red flags all over it. Do yourself a huge favour: run the other way!!! You don't need more heartache than you've already been through and this situation will lead you down that path; guaranteed. Just leave and stop thinking that he has a hold on you.

 

Also, HE is the guilty one, more so than you. You, at least, are divorced and used poor judgment. He is clearly the one in the wrong here because he is married. I don't care how happy or unhappy he is: HE IS MARRIED!!! Got it? Do not worry about how he feels because, apparently, he does'nt give a rat's a** about how you feel once this "relationship" implodes. He'll be married and you will be hurting. Do you really want that?

Link to comment
Sorry this is happening. The loneliness of your divorce is accentuated in this harmful situation of lies and a part-time lover. Make an appt with a therapist to sort out the post divorce issues and grasping at something this damaging as a band aid.

 

You know you are being strung along, it's going nowhere and that you have to get out of this quicksand. This insight will help you tremendously in extricating yourself from this post-divorce mess. Allow a therapist to guide you through that process.

 

Wiseman2, you shouldn't be sorry that this is happening. She knows darn well he is a cheater and a liar, and she got herself in this scenario. One should never get involved with a married person. Period.

Link to comment
Because shut happens. Because we are sometimes weak and feeling so unworthy of love. Because we're used to being second. There are many many reasons one could get caught up in something like this and the last thing they need is to be shamed about it. I don't know the OP, but when I was in a similar situation, I felt so ashamed on my own, no need for more added shame. I did welcome it though because that was part of my psych at that time. If you don't feel worthy, you deserve to be shamed. But that just makes the cycle continue forever.

 

This however, is not helpful for the OP, that is asking for help and she truly wants out. Directing anger to the other woman is typical, when most of the blame is to be put on the cheating spouse. If she was here asking for ways to split him from his wife, that'd be a different story.

 

Edit to add: mine turned out to be a sociopath. Not saying all cheating men are, but most are manipulative and that kind of behavior does not blend well with a person with low self esteem to say the least. It's their perfect victim.

 

There are many many reasons one could get caught up in something like this . Granted, here is the other side of the coin: perhaps she'll finally snap out out of it. Actually, she's already aware that this "relationship" is toxic and will only cause her heartache. Let's be real, she knows there are red flags and she chooses to ignore them. She knows she is being stringed along. A wiser solution would be to seek therapy. Talk to a close friend or family member. Just leave the married guy alone.

 

I am sorry that you went through a similar situation. Hope things are better for you now.

Link to comment
"then I noticed that he’s still very much involved with his wife and her family". Are you for real, OP? You knew somewhere in your heart that this had red flags all over it. Do yourself a huge favour: run the other way!!! You don't need more heartache than you've already been through and this situation will lead you down that path; guaranteed. Just leave and stop thinking that he has a hold on you.

 

Also, HE is the guilty one, more so than you. You, at least, are divorced and used poor judgment. He is clearly the one in the wrong here because he is married. I don't care how happy or unhappy he is: HE IS MARRIED!!! Got it? Do not worry about how he feels because, apparently, he does'nt give a rat's a** about how you feel once this "relationship" implodes. He'll be married and you will be hurting. Do you really want that?

 

It is not only "judgement," but choice- which she is still involved in, hoping he will break up his family. This speaks to poor character.

 

I will never understand why the cheaters are seen as some big prize. If they will do this to their partner, they will do it to the sidepiece.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...