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Thread: Confused and need some advice please

  1. #1

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    Confused and need some advice please

    Hi everyone
    I wonder if I could have your opinions please on my dilemma.

    I’ve just come out of a short term relationship of 2.5 months. She was very into me at the beginning, and things were going really well for the first month we were together.
    We spent several nights together, talked about everything. I felt though she wasn’t a very intimate person. It was always me who instigated a kiss or sex, but she always responded passionately.
    She told me she had been emotionally and physically abused in her 2 previous relationships, and I was shocked but thought I would be ok with that. She said she wasn’t very open with her feelings and it would take time for her to open up more. I felt a bit cautious about this, but I was so into her I carried on seeing her.
    She became ill, and couldn’t see me for a week, but after, we dated again for a week until her son was ill the week after. She then kept cancelling dates due to her, or her son being ill.
    Not seeing her and only communicating by text started to make me anxious. My mind went into overdrive, so I told her how I felt about her. She said she liked all the things I said to her but she couldn’t right now reciprocate them.
    I started to think at this point she was probably emotionally unavailable due to all her pain in the past. I’m still not sure if I’m right or wrong about that.
    We carried on texting daily, but she was always late to respond and not as she used to be.
    I decided that the best thing for me to do would be to walk away. I really didn’t want to, as I had strong feelings for her, but the anxiety from all of this was really starting to affect me.
    We arranged for me to go down and see her, and I was going to tell her that evening. She cancelled again the morning before. I’d had enough by this point, so wrote a text to her saying I think it’s best if we end things and sent it to her. I know, not the best way but she didn’t seem to want to meet me.
    She called straight away, upset and angry. After a long call we sort of sorted things out, but the following day we both sent messages to each other breaking it off.
    She said she didn’t want a relationship right now as she was broken, said she didn’t know what she really wanted. Said she really liked me a lot and wanted to stay in contact.
    I understood all of this and we mutually agreed to end it.
    This was Monday this week.

    Now, she is texting me like the first month we were together! Very flirty and suggestive, even hinting that she’d like to meet up and do something together. Saying she’d really like to. Generally behaving as if nothing went wrong!
    I’ve left the ball in her court to arrange something on that one, going by her previous date cancelling.

    So I am very confused.
    I want to walk away, but I do like this woman. She doesn’t have many friends where she lives and I would like to stay friends with her.

    Any advice would be gratefully appreciated 😊

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    She's told you she not available and now, as it stands you do not have viable connection. .yet she likes the electronic attention.
    I can see how this is confusing and it isn't really working for you. I'll bet it still creates a certain amount of anxiety too.

    You can't really be her friend right now seeing you have romantic feelings for her and you want to keep the door open in case she changes her mind. But between now and then this type of contact is not only confusing but doesn't feel good. I see how it benefits her, but not you.

    Personally, I would tell her that you are finding it hard to be her friend (because basically you are agreeing to being demoted) and if at any time she changes her mind, she can reach out to you.

    I also think she is being a little selfish. If it were you and didn't reciprocate someones feelings and you knew they had strong feelings for you, would you continue to flirt with them, give mixed messages and basically lead them on? Probably not, because it's a little hurtful.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 05-16-2019 at 01:53 PM.

  3. #3
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    You need to block her. There is no reason to be texting, other than her getting a big ego boost. Selfish on her part.

    You have seen that she is unstable, not dependable and has many things to deal with. She has already shown you what she is capable of, and this was the honeymoon period. I don't understand why you would even consider staying in touch.

    How many times did you actually see one another?

    Move on. This will go no where.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    I think this lady is using you for attention.

    You deserve better, my advice to you is that you stop contact with her and find someone who is more compatible with you

    Best of luck

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    I agree with most.
    I just got out of a same situation. Two weeks in he dumped me saying he doesn't want a relationship, he then continued contacting me like nothing happened and I let him because I thought I could get over him quickly. Big mistake. Two weeks later went out as friends, he wanted back in, made it exclusive, only to repeat the same thing again and break up with me a week ago.

    If I could turn back time, I'd go no contact the first time, but to be honest, this brought me into a new journey and I'm really looking inwards to work on myself, so no regrets.

    You could look into "attachment styles", but tread carefully, do not go there hoping to find answers on to how to win her back, but to find out why you would want to be with someone who is not really interested. It's not rocket science, the attachment theory that is, it's just gathered resources of patterns we already know, put in a way you can relate and explains why one is acting a certain way. For me though it was a wake up call.

    Bottom line, I'd advise to go no contact to heal and possibly work on yourself. If she's around and ready when you're out of it, go for it, but don't make that decision now, make it after NC.

  7. #6
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    She is way too inconsistent with her words and behaviour for a relationship, OP.

    It is better to stay away from people who blow very hot and cold. They are not necessarily bad people with malicious intentions, but their whims will break your heart. Whatever issues she needs to work through would be best done on her own, without you in the background as a convenient supply of attention. Chances are very high that as soon as you start getting close again, she will pull away and remind you she can't reciprocate your feelings.

    Being friends right now is just not smart. You're emotionally attached and will get hurt when she continues to keep her distance or see other guys.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What the others are saying.

    She's been crystal clear on where she's at. When someone tells you they're broken and incapable of a relationship—well, that's when you step away unless you want to reward broken. It's not easy, I know—been in your shoes. Staying on a rollercoaster doesn't steady it, just gives you more whiplash.

    As for the latest rounds of texts—just think of that as "clarity" instead of "confusion." The message is the same: she's broken, incapable of a relationship, but wouldn't mind some phone attention, some flirtation. That's human, sure. But it's probably not the version of human you want to be tangled up with.

    There's no friendship here, sadly, because people this lost don't have the ability for friendship and people as emotionally invested romantically as you are can't be genuine friends either. You get a confusionship masking as a friendship, frying emotions and your emotional bandwidth and preventing you from the actual sort of connection you're seeking. Sadly, that's going to be with another woman, be it friendship or more.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    This isn't a good place for you, I'm afraid. She's not ready for a relationship and she's using you as an emotional crutch. If what you're looking for is a stable and committed (safe and loving) environment, this isn't the right woman or it's not the right time and place. I don't suggest you put your life on hold waiting for her either. I'm sorry that this has appeared so confusing to you and that you were emotionally attached to her from the beginning. Chalk this up to a life lesson and keep meeting new people.

  10. #9

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    Thank you, all of you. I really appreciate your advice on my situation.
    Coming here and asking was a great decision for me to make.
    As hard as it is to do, I am going to walk away and move on

  11. #10
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    She is playing head games withyou, unfortunately. You sound like a super great guy and you deserve better.

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