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Thread: 8 years. First serious relationship

  1. #1

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    8 years. First serious relationship

    Been together for 8 years. We were both 16. So met in high school. I lived with him and his parents at the beginning of the relationship. To escape my home life. Grew to love them for being there for me. As time went on I see the drama which is senseless at times. He proposed to me around the time my father passed. I didn't jump out of my seat when he did. Been feeling like I'm justifying everything he does to make it seem like it's working out. He trustworthy and loyal. Just not where he should be in life. Job. Career. He doesn't push himself for a better day.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Young people mature exponentially from their teenage years into young adulthood. Who you both were at 16 will most likely be profoundly different 8 years later. Marriage odds aren't promising and marrying your teenage sweetheart and having a successful marriage is very rare.

    Don't justify or talk yourself into anything that doesn't seem to fit right now. I can see you feel indebted to he and his family and it was very generous to have you intheir home.
    Unfortunately (and fortunately) we evolve and grow and often times do not end up at the same place.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for the loss of your father. How are you doing? If you feel you're both not compatible in general, it takes time but you'll both eventually figure out that things can improve even if it's without each other. How close is the wedding or are you already married? Any kids?

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    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Most don't go forward seriously with their life until closer to 30. I think if you become more mature and successful yourself, it will rub off on him.

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  6. #5
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    Only advice I can give you about his career status or the lack there of is that, don't look at what he is doing now. Look at the potential he has in the future rather than what he is doing now. At 24 (16 + 8) you pretty much don't have it figured out by now most of the time. So what is he doing now towards a goal later? College? Certifications? Trade training? Military? So, long as he is doing something, not really having a job right now doesn't seem to bad. However, if there is nothing he is doing towards anything that remotes to any kind of good future career. I would say consider leaving. I mean most people divorce because of many reasons but I would imagine money and quality of life would be top of that list. I don't even mean like wanting a lot of money, just the basic needs of people of their standards of living.

  7. #6

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    Been engaged for 3 years. Haven't set a date. He's got an associate degree. And I know his potential to do better is there but right now at this very moment he's struggling to even do the small things to improve. I've read columns about holding on because it'll get better. And I understand not everyone knows what they want in life right away especially being do young. He is slowly trying and I guess I'm impatient because being an adult (just having a reliable job) and talking about the future is not even on his mind. He's works with his dad. They butt head almost every day. But he does it to help out because the work they do is construction in a chicken house/farm. Not many go signing up for it. When the money comes it pours but there's always a dry season and he doesn't save money to cover his own bills. So I've been the one having to. I just see it as if he can't now he won't be later. I know there bad times in finance I been there but I find jobs and try to get out of the deep end.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are not in love and just looking for status. Just another golddigger

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tc2012
    Been engaged for 3 years. Haven't set a date. He's got an associate degree. And I know his potential to do better is there but right now at this very moment he's struggling to even do the small things to improve. I've read columns about holding on because it'll get better. And I understand not everyone knows what they want in life right away especially being do young. He is slowly trying and I guess I'm impatient because being an adult (just having a reliable job) and talking about the future is not even on his mind. He's works with his dad. They butt head almost every day. But he does it to help out because the work they do is construction in a chicken house/farm. Not many go signing up for it. When the money comes it pours but there's always a dry season and he doesn't save money to cover his own bills. So I've been the one having to. I just see it as if he can't now he won't be later. I know there bad times in finance I been there but I find jobs and try to get out of the deep end.
    Your concerns are valid and I wouldn't stick around with someone without a reliable means of income either or a desire to better himself or live in more harmony with his finances or family. I'm fortunate enough to be able to support my family on my own as I'm sure you are too (or at least able to support yourself) but if you are feeling like you are pulling all the weight because you have to rather than because you want to willingly, that's a different story. I'd emphasize more teamwork in your relationship because this isn't what it feels like right now. I don't feel you're both compatible or on the same page when it comes to financial security or long term health of your finances and your romantic relationship.

    I normally always emphasize working things out via better communication but if this is not working and if there are serious differences in the way you manage your money separately, I don't support or encourage further frustrations down the line. If you feel it's warranted, communicate your concerns seriously but if you don't sense that he's willing to be on the same page or work towards the same things, this is a no go.

    He doesn't sound like he gets along with his dad but yet he's made the decision to work with his dad closely and this job seems to be his sole means of income. How does that reconcile at all? Outside of financial concerns, you now have to think about issues regarding your potential in-laws and being in the middle of constant family feuds and the backlash that that drama entails. Think carefully about whether this is the right man for you. You shouldn't have to dampen your fears or anxieties of a rocky future. If it doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel good. Make your exit plans now and learn from this experience.

  10. #9

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    He's not rich nor am I. If I was a golddigger I'd be asking if I should go find a sugar daddy. But thanks for your input.

  11. #10

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    Thanks rose. Much appreciated on your words. I have been pulling the weight for myself and him. It's a struggle to communicate and see eye to eye on financial situations. The long term goals are there...house, car, family. But not the short term...job, dream on track, school. I have been between feuds with his family and it's gotten to the point where if they are "casual" drinking I don't want to be there. It always turns into a ty night of blame.


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