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Thread: Shes sabotaging my job update

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2018

    Shes sabotaging my job update

    This is a long and complicated story of me and my ex (Sam as referred to in this story). I need advice, probably from a psychotherapist or someone who can get inside this woman’s head, because I have no clue to why she does what she hasdone.

    I met Sam in May2015when I was assigned to deliver TC training, Sam was one of the trainees.

    After a couple of weeks of training and getting to know the team Sam and I started to message over social media and meet up outside of the workplace.

    Shortly after establishing a relationship, Sam told me she was pregnant, however felt she was too far along to be mine, therefore concluding that this pregnancy was from her previous relationship that ended during the first couple of weeksinto work.

    Regardless, we both decided we would continue seeing each other.

    In January2016 (shortly before giving birth) Sam decided to end our relationship due to complexities, Sam felt it would be easier to give things a go with the baby’s father for the sake of her family. Despite the relationship endingphysically, myself and Sam kept in touch, often Sam would express she was not happy with the current relationship, that she was doing this for her children (Amelia oldest child – 7 at the time, Abbie – new born). I encouraged Sam that she needed to considerher own happiness and not just her children.

    Sam and I met up a couple of times during this period whereby Sam would tell me she felt so down and felt trapped by her situation, often telling me she needed him in the household for childcare. Sam detailed that she was unhappy butneeded the support and could not financially afford childcare. Sam often referred to her partner as verbally and mentally abusive, constantly putting her down and making her feel worthless, I offered to help with childcare and financial aspects and/or lookinto works childcare voucher scheme so that Sam could break away from the relationship.

    Sam told me of previous incidents with her partner, such as his gambling (stealing funds from Sam ’s account) leading to Sam not being able to afford food for her children, him leaving her following a miscarriage in2014& mentally abusingher.

    We eventually sopped communication.

    Sam made contact with me asking if I would meet her in work as she had decided to bring Abbie into the workplace, however as I was in a management meeting I did not get a chance to arrange this until Sam was already on the floorplate.

    I met and held Abbie for a while when Sam asked what time I was finishing work, I said I could leave now. We left work together and got the metro together, before Sam ’s stop to change train we kissed, Sam said ‘she couldn’t do this anymore’(Sam was still with her partner at this time)

    We started communicating again over social media, Sam told me her partner had decided to end things and move back to London. After a couple of weeks Sam and I started dating again.

    When Sam returned to work from Maternity around Nov2016I trained her on TC again.

    Shortly after Sam told me that some of Abbie’s facial expressions were similar to mine, although Sam said she was sure Abbie was not my child we agreed to get a paternity test to make sure.

    We received the result that Abbie was not my child in work, Sam said she was ‘gutted’ about this and said she wished Abbie was mine.

    Although I agreed I told Sam that this did not matter and I loved her all the same.

    From November – March2017Sam and I continued to date, and I was involved with the children’s lives.

    In early March2017I received a call from Sam that Abbie was not well and had been admitted to hospital in London when she was with her biological father.

    I told Sam that I would arrange her leave at work so she could get the train down. The following day Sam said she wanted to come home, very upset she complained about how her ex and their family were treating her.

    When Sam returned she came back with her ex- partner so he could look after the children whilst Sam was at work. (This I believe was a Sunday)

    Sam had leave on Monday and NWD Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday. I was unable to contact Sam and did not hear from her during her return from London.

    To assist in reliving financial pressure I contacted the Abbie’s childcare and arranged to change the Direct Debit information to my own.

    I left voicemails asking what was going on and I was concerned – this was 4 days without contact.

    I text Sam stating I was coming over – Sam replied telling me not to and she was going out. I drove to Sam ’s address.

    I witnessed Sam driving out of her street with her ex-partner and children in the car.

    I did not know what to do, think or feel so I called my friend David, who suggested getting away from the area to think clearly.

    I later received a text from Sam telling me she would call me that night.

    Sam called me on 16 March2017, she said that she wanted to break up to give it another go with Abbie’s dad, she told me she loved him and wanted to be with him, Sam hung up.

    A couple of days later Sam messaged asking for some special leave as Abbie was still unwell. I agreed to arrange this for her with work.

    About 1 week later when Sam returned to work she told me she was pregnant again, however was only 1-2 weeks and could not be mine. I was shocked to learn this however told Sam that I just wanted to spend one last afternoon with her beforewe went our separate ways, we spend the afternoon together before Sam dropped me off at work and went home.

    Sam took Pregnancy Related sickness the following working day.

    Sam called in sick the next day to my work telephone, she said she was suffering morning sickness. I challenged Sam as morning sickness was common around week 4-6 of pregnancy therefore Sam could not be 2 weeks pregnant as she stateda few days earlier.

    I asked Sam to just tell me the truth and if she had cheated on me whilst in London. Sam denied this stating they slept together when we broke up on 16thMarch2017, however later admitted she slept with him on 10thMarch. I raised concerns as we had slept together on 7thMarch. Sam did not go into too much details. Sam said she loved him but also loved me, this upset me a great deal.

    A couple of weeks past and I reached out to Sam via my work telephone to ask if we could arrange a meet to pick up my things that were left at her home.

    Sam called me back and said she had not thought about this, however was willing to come to my home and deliver my personal things. I expressed this was out of her and we could just meeting in a mutual place.

    I received a message request through Facebook from Sam ’s partner stating he had threw out my possessions, and all the sentimental gifts bought by me for Sam and her children. He also warned me to stay away using abusive and offensivelanguage.

    Sam called me soon after I had received this message crying and upset, Sam said she was sorry that this had happened and she knew my items were irreplaceable. I told Sam that if they were gone then there was nothing she could do, Samsaid was looking in bins to try find my things. I told Sam to forget this and that she deserved better than her partner.

    Over the next few weeks I started to suffer from severe depression, sleepless night and feeling tired throughout the day. I used work as a distraction however during my time at home my thoughts turned to dark places. Although I spoke openlywith my parents I couldn’t shake feeling down over the situation.

    I often thought about the girls and times we had together. I struggled to keep things off my mind.

    I had never suffered from this before and was unsure where to turn (although my manager at the time was aware of the situation and offered workplace wellness as a support channel)

    I couldn’t keep concentration for long and I often though about ending my life, what the best way was for me to do this and how to do this to feel the least pain.

    I spent late night driving or walking around to try clear my head but kept circling to the same thoughts.

    I felt I needed closure but was unsure how to get it.

    A friend who knew about my relationship with Sam contacted me and told me she had gotten engaged (1stMay2017)and posted pictures on social media, accompanied with her relationship status’ detailing how ‘this was the onlyman she ever loved’ & ‘can’t wait to marry the most amazing man’.

    This drove me deeper into depression and heartache to a point where I made a failed attempt to take my own life.

    I visited Sam ’s house during one night to drop off a gift for her eldest daughter’s birthday (birthday on 6thmay) that I already purchased when we were together. I left this on the door step before driving home. I also sentSam pictures of places we have been to remind her that we have had great times together (this was a copy of a present I gave to Sam for an occasion – like a photo book of the places we’ve been)

    Over the next couple of days I still suffered symptoms, although I was trying to distract myself with as much work as possible. I felt ashamed to seek professional help through GP, however would look online into forums to seek advice.

    I decided I needed some time from work, however found this to be the worst decision as my mind was not occupied enough.

    In June2017 -To seek closure and possible answers to where things went wrong, and what I could have done, I created a Facebook profile under a different alias, this was to reach out to Sam . We talked about relationships and abusivepartners (referring to hers), this lasted about 3 days, however I felt guilty that I was doing this and that it felt wrong. Sam questioned the identity behind the profile and after I admitted it was me, I apologised and expressed I was not myself and didn’tmean to be creepy. The account was deactivated.

    I made no contact with Sam after this.

    In October2017I received a message from Sam stating how sorry she was for her actions, how she treated me. I did not respond until a few days later to tell Sam that she didn’t need to apologise and that I just wanted to leave the pastin the past.

    After brief conversation I asked Sam if there was a possibility that Isla (new pregnancy) could be mine. Sam said no and that Isla was his.

    In November2017we spoke again, Sam detailed that she was not happy in her relationship and talked about how he was not working anymore, he decided to quit his job, took the money for the children’s Christmas gifts and how he was mentallyabusive. I again offered advice to Sam that she should concentrate on her own happiness. I spoke with Sam to help her though her time of difficulty, usually going around in circles without any results. We met up later that month as Sam explained she wasstruggling and would like to chat face to face, during this I met Isla Sam ’s newest child.

    December2017 –I received a message from Sam telling me she was outside my home. I met her in the street and we talked in her car, again Sam talked about how she was not happy with her current situation, again I offered advice althoughI questioned Sam ’s mental health I expressed she just had baby brain and she will be fine.

    I felt like the situation was getting too much and I decided to break communication

    In January2018 -I received a text that read ‘Have you blocked me from everything because you genuinely want me to leave you alone, because I will if that’s what you want. I don’t play games and I’m a matter of fact. I only talk to youabout what really goes on in my life because you understand my real feelings. I don’t know how much longer I can go on feeling like this and I need you right now, please talk to me’

    Worried about Sam ’s mental health I replied.

    Throughout this time we talked frequently and met up, both alone and with her children.

    I asked Sam to reassure me that Isla was not mine through taking a paternity test, just like the one with Abbie, initially Sam agreed, however after a few weeks after ordering the test Sam became more hesitant to go through with this.

    I believe because of this we fizzled out and we stopped communication in Feb2018.

    I started seeing another female colleague from work and we went on a date, on this occasion I received messages from Sam telling me that I was sleazy for dating someone else after stopping communication.

    I blocked contact with Sam until the following day whereby I told her that I understand that she was upset however who I date was not her business.

    Sam and I contacted each other on occasion after this.

    August2018 –Myself and Sam had been regularly spending time together and with the children (attending soft plays, restaurants and cinema etc..), in my opinion we were close and established an unofficial romantic relationship.

    22/08/2018 –I arranged a day out to flamingo land with Sam and the children. Following this and after dropping the kids off at their fathers, myself and Sam booked a hotel (Novotel – Kinston park) where we spent the night together.

    01/09/2018 –Myself and Sam attended a restaurant (antico) in Jesmond.

    15/09/2018 –I arranged Team moves on the command, Sam was not happy as her close work friend was being moved on to my team. Sam expressed this via text message.

    End of September2018 –Sam retuned to work and we were on speaking terms. I had always told Sam that I didn’t care about the past and I was here if she wanted to talk/hang out.

    During training and consolidation Sam would ask me questions and on occasion ask me if I wanted to sit with her during lunch.

    In November2018 –I received a message from Sam reading – ‘I’ve just gotten myself back to normal and on my feet, I feel happy on my own and I need it. I would hang out but I know you would expect something more and I don’t want to hurtyou’

    I replied telling Sam that it was great she was doing well on her own and that I would be happy to spend time together without any expectations.

    Sam asked when I was free and if I wanted to go see some fireworks for bonfire night.

    I agreed and we spend the evening together.

    We continued to have a good relationship at work and on occasion outside the workplace, we arranged dinner with her oldest child Amelia and myself and Amelia went to Asda together whilst Sam stayed in my car. Sam messaged me that nightto say thank you for the evening and helping Amelia pick out a gif for her.

    Later in the month Sam and I had arranged to spend time together outside the workplace, however on the morning (20mins before the arranged time) I asked if she was ready, Sam cancelled because she had a carpet fitter coming and has aloose socket on the wall.

    I was upset by this as Sam could have given me prior notice, this also wasn’t the first time Sam has just cancelled dates.

    I told Sam that I wasn’t interested in someone who doesn’t value my efforts and time and wasn’t interested in someone who is going to cancelled planned time. I expressed that my time was also valuable and that I would rather spend timewith someone who values that also.

    Sam replied after a few days stating she didn’t care who I spend time with.

    December2018 -Sam challenged me one evening stating I was seeing another woman from work, I referred Sam back to her text saying she did not want any expectations. I also stated that I was not ‘with’ anyone and could see whoever I wantedas no official relationship had been established by anyone.

    Sam was upset at the fact that everyone knew about us and our history (referring to the break up in2017)and that everyone only knew my side of events.

    Sam questioned me on when the last time I slept with this woman, to which I answered. Sam became angry and turned to walk away. I reached forward and placed my hand on Sam ’s arm to witch Samturned and

    (Sam ) said she should go up there (floorplate) and tell everyone ‘what I was really like’ (because Sam turned my hand was no longer placed on her person)

    Sam said she should go up there (floorplate) and tell everyone ‘what I was really like’

    I reassured Sam that I wasn’t seeing this person whilst spending time with her, however after Sam started cancelling dates and showing a lack of interest I did start seeing someone else.

    Sam walked away from at this point. – Sam said she needs to go change her code (finesse) however said that she will return to continue talking.

    Sam messaged me through WhatsApp after signing out to ask where I was

    Sam returned and met me on the ground floor where we spoke in a calmer manner and sat in the atria. I asked Sam if she wanted to start again with me. Sam said no. I told Sam that I will go(as in leave) – I stood up and left at this point.

    I messaged Sam telling her we should probably just leave each other alone, that she didn’t seem bothered about actually spending time with me, hence why I started seeing someone else, I added that I was being treated better by the otherparty.

    13/12/2018 -Sam replied stating she wasn’t bothered about me spending time with this other person

    Sam messaged telling me she just wanted to be left alone, I replied – ‘ok’

    14/12/2018 -The following day Sam approached the other colleague I had dated and told the other colleague that we (Sam and I) had been spending time together, I was notified however nothing came of this as explained – I was not ‘with’anyone.

    30/12/2018 –Sam approached me asking for help on a call. During my advice I moved (raised) Sam ’s desk so I could see the screen, Sam asked what I was doing, I told her I was moving the screen to my level – Sam lowered it even moretelling me this was more my level (negative barb).

    I asked Sam if she wanted to talk about this.

    She agreed and we went on a break together, we talked in the smoking shelter re what had happened. Sam said she told the other female about us because she wanted me to leave her alone, I said that was fine. Sam also said she didn’t wantto feel like she was just another girl I had slept with on the floorplate, I expressed that we were in a relationship and Sam would never be just someone I slept with, I apologised that she felt that way and on the way I handled things

    We entered back into the building – we took the lift to the top floor in-between buildings 2&3

    I told Sam that my impression from her text was that she did not want anything serious and just wanted to spend time together. I added that Sam should have made it clear that she didn’t want me to see anyone else. Sam said this shouldhave been a given, however I maintained that when Sam was backing off I didn’t want her to waste my time, hence going out with someone else.

    At this point I looked up to see David White (manager) at the far end of building 3, he signalled to us pointing to his watch – expressing that Sam had gone over her break. I told David I will be back ASAP.

    Myself and Sam changed the subject to DM training I was organising for her – I told Sam that her training would be starting 21st. Sam told me she could not do this as she had a doctor’s appointment. I questioned if this couldbe changed, Sam said no and became visibly upset by the conversation, and she went to the girl’s toilet for a minute before re-emerging. I asked if she was ok and what was wrong. Sam said she didn’t really want to talk about it but was clearly upset, shewas worried about the girls too. I told Sam that I didn’t want to pry however because of our history with her and the girls I wanted to know that everything was ok with her. Sam began to cry again and was clearly upset.

    I asked if Sam wanted a hug. Sam said we would be seen by people as we were outside the floorplate. I believe she said ‘what if people see’

    I opened the meeting room next to us and invited her in, Sam looked around and seemed unsure, however approached the room. I pulled on Sam ’s coat to encourage her to hurry up (concerned that she had already spent a lot of time in hercode.) I hugged Sam and she hugged me back

    We left the room after this –

    I asked if Sam was ok, she said she was.

    Sam asked about what she should do about training, I explained that if the appointment cannot be changed and Sam was about to come back to work, we could make up her day.

    I asked what was going on and if she was ok – Sam became upset again, I advised to leave the training days with me and I will sort them out for her.

    Sam went to the toilet and I returned to my desk.

    When Sam returned said she did not feel well today and asked if she could stand down to processing- I agreed.

    In a management meeting Sam text me through Whatsapp messenger asking if she could go home as she did not feel well. I did not reply however read the message. She emailed me a few minutes later reading - ‘I’m going to have to go home I’mso ill. Can you put it in for me? From half 1?

    By the time the management meeting closed Sam was gone.

    I messaged her telling her that I had sorted training about and pushed it back a week to assist with her hospital appointment.

    Sam did not attend work the following week.

    My final contact with Sam was10/02/2019 –I send a message detailing that she was doing really well on her own and she should be proud of herself for getting back to her normal self, I added that although we didn’t work out and I didn’twant to stop seeing her, I was happy to leave things and go our separate ways. I left the message by telling Sam if she wanted to talk then she knows where I am.

    20/02/2019 –I was contacted by police stating there had been an allegation against me from a previous relationship and I needed to attend a formal interview.

    The allegation was from Sam under 3 accounts from2017onward. Harassment, stalking and sexual assault.

    Harassment – from making contact after the relationship ended– (2017break up)

    Stalking – for attending her home after the relationship ended- (2017break up)

    Sexual assault – the incident on30/12/2018 –Sam claimed I tried to kiss her in the meeting room

    The statement detailed the above events from the break up in2017.I was formally question and recorded.

    Sam ’s statement stated that she did not want contact with me when she returned to work in September2018, Sam also allegedly stated she had told me that she wanted minimum contact with me, that I was harassing her within the workplaceand made her feel uneasy, threatened and intimidated.

    I answered all questions from the police and the counts of sexual assault and stalking were dropped against me.

    Because I had admitted to reaching out to Sam outside the parameters of our relationship that ended in2017I was given a simple caution.

    Police were not aware of the events detailed above from contact made by Sam to myself from2017, once this was made clear to the investigating officer no further action was required.

    I have had no contact with Sam Mason since10/02/2019

    Because of the seriousness of the allegations and that Sam had sited me as a reason for absent I decided to remove myself from the area until this was dealt with.

    She has now since but a formal complaint in against me at work, listing things that happened in2017after the break up ( which I haven’t denied) and allegations of sexual harassment at work. said she will not come back to work as she feelsunsafe. She has not mentioned any events following2017as above or that we started seeing each other again and slept together. She has told them that I display threatening behaviour and wants me to be moved to another site. She is siting mental health anddepression because of me.

    Why would she say such hurtful things? What does she have to gain from it? Does she just want attention or validation that I still care or want her? What should I do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Take care of the legal problems and get a good attorney. In the meantime do not go anywhere near this woman or contact her at all or indirectly. Stay as far away as possible. If your job is on the line you absolutely should talk to an attorney before you talk to anyone at work or sign anything. It doesn't matter what she is thinking or why she is doing this. These cases are very subjective. What you thought was 'being involved' was harassment to her. What matters is sorting out the legal and job problems.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    I actually read all of it!
    I doubt many will!

    Why did you get so involved with her life to the point that you contacted her child’s childcare and make payments? That was not appropriate at all!!!

    Sam isn’t the one sabotaging. She has never promised or given you anything other than sex.

    Why are YOU sabotaging things for you based on random sex once in a while?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Well theres no need to go into this in depth. Red flags aplenty from start to end.

    WHy on earth did you let yourself be treated like this? This girl was trouble from the start. Hopping between you and the biological father at will. Dropping you and picking you up whenever she wanted. She got herself into a stick situation but none of that was your doing so why hang around and be used like this? She clearly doesnt repsect you as you clearly dont repsect yourself when it comes to her.

    SHe has way too much baggage from her ex to be seeing anyone. You were her security blanket i guess. Why be an option? Especially if it means looking after someone elses children as well. If you want kids look for a partner of your own who is more compatible.

    You have set yourself up as a complete mug. I know it's harsh but everything she was upto cheating etc was so obvious reading your post. I think you and Sam both need individual help/therapy for different reaosns though.

    Why were you there for her after bad choice after abd choice of her own? YOU ARE NOT HER SAVIOUR. Honestly this post infuriated me.

    You seem obsessed with this persons life, she is trash though. What is it in her that find so virtuous or attractive? YOu literally handed her your life to control and wondered why it made you so miserable.

    Why on earht where you responding to her queries about your dating life when you she told you she didnt want to be with you?!

    JUST CUT ALL CONTACT FORGET THIS PERSON AND MOVE ON! Grow a pair and get some self respect.

    As for work and her ruining your carrer this is who she is and what she does. How are you surprised??

    I would even happily leave my job to be away from her toxicity but thats your call.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    One of the most draining posts in the 12 months i've been on here, im exhausted reading all that.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    OP, I sincerely hope for your sake that you are the only person with saved info of dates of contact.

    She never cared enough to even have a relationship with you.
    You “cared” too much to the point of obsession. Your post is indicative of that.
    If a court took your phone or computer for evidence , even your description of events would be in her favour.

    You don’t even like her let alone love her.
    Obsession is not love.
    Unfortunately for her she might have mistook your obsession for love at times. And possibly due to feeling neglected by the father of her children.
    It’s none and never was your business to interfere. Yet you did.

    Leave her alone. That’s all she wants.

  8. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    I have made it clear I wont be contacting her again.
    I just feel shes awful for using the past against me like this.
    I do think that I was right by telling her I wasnt interested in someone who didnt want my time and started seeing someone else who was interested. I think she is lashing out that I'm not her puppy dog anymore. Still, it's not nice to have her think so little of our history

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Do not talk to her, contact her or discuss her with anyone at work or whom you know mutually. Immediately block and delete her and all her people from all your messaging apps and social media. It doesn't matter why she did it, revenge, whatever. Your job is on the line and you now have a police record. Discuss your situation with an attorney and stick to the facts.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    What relationship and what history? Dude....seriously snap out of lala land. You were from day one a third wheel in her on/off relationship with her baby daddy. She didn't cheat on you, YOU were helping her cheat and yes, you clung on for dear life and wouldn't go away. She told you the typical boohoo poor little me victim stories and you drank it all up like a complete fool. Did you ever stop and consider that she might be lying? Psychos do that - lie, cheat, make themselves out to be a victim look for mugs like you to use. They lie to gain your sympathy, once they have you hooked into their drama, they use you. It's exactly what happened here to a T.

    The real question and the real problem here is that you are still detached from reality, still more worried about what she is thinking, should you pursue her more, is her turning you in to the police some "cry for help"....the level of delusion on YOUR end is scary. You have a police record, your job is on the line, you keep dipping your stick in the company pool (more than once) - what are you doing? What are you thinking? Do you want to end up permanently unemployed and behind bars? You are still not taking this seriously and still obsessing over this psycho.

    You want to know why she is doing it? Could be revenge for only she knows what reason or no reason at all. Just because she can. More likely, her life is in hot water with her baby daddy and she is going to great lengths to prove to him that she isn't a cheating wh....re, but that rather that you are a stalker who won't leave her alone. She is doing it to save her own skin. You are just a disposable mug - always were, always will be.

    Please listen to Wiseman - get a lawyer, be sure you have all contact from her saved in multiple places, get far away from her, block all contact, leave the area and pray that it ends there for you and not behind bars. Also, seek counseling for yourself because there is so much messed up with you to get involved and stay involved and still be so naive and in denial about the seriousness of your situation...it's disturbing.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Of course this is 'revenge' for not being her emotional tampon anymore. Get legal advice and forget everything else and never under any circumstances speak/text/call her again. CHalk this off as a very harsh learning experience.

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