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So this is a longgg one so I’m going to try and sum up the important details! Some background...

-We are both mid 20s

-We met eachother the last week before we moved from our college town

- We Have been on and off for two years

-We have moved from our different home towns to the same city

 

So haven’t used the official term “boyfriend, Girlfriend” but we are exclusive etc. ... This whole time our realationship has been very unstable. It’s a hybrid of a boyfriend girlfriend relationship combined with hook up buddies. He goes back and forth with how he treats me. At times we are starting to become more like a couple but then we get too close for him I guess and he starts to treat it like we are just hook up buddies. He will tell me he doesn’t want a realationship.... but to me being exclusive and having feelings for eachother is the same thing so I don’t really care about labels just exclusiveness and emotions. He will do this thing where he wants to be “alone” and will straight up ignore me for days. I will confront him and he will go on to say... “maybe we should just stop”. So one time I took his word and he saw me getting real cozy with this guy we both know at a bar. He literally flipped out and when I said “why do you care? You told me you didn’t want to be in a relationship and we should stop, so it’s none of your business”. He goes on to say it is his business.... and then he says he DOES want us to be exclusive. So I’m confused bc at times he says that he just wants to hook up and that’s it but still be exclusive and get all mad if I’m with another guy. He says he has feelings for me and likes me but is just going through a lot and can’t do a realationship. I know he broke up with his old girlfriend of 5 years a year before he met me and apparently it was awful. It bothers me though bc I’ve looked on Facebook and he was very affectionate to her and completely different. This though was his highschool girlfriend that went into college.... we are 25 now...

I still am trying to be compassionate and to be honest I don’t care about titles as long as we are exclusive and both have feelings for each other. What I don’t like is when he will ignore me for days out of nowhere and pretend he doesn’t care. His friends have all separatly come up to me and talked about how he has major anxiety and can be really moody and isolate himself from everyone. That’s why I try to be understanding.....

One night he drank a lot and came over, right after we hooked up he started crying and basically told me this needs to stop and he feels so guilty for the way he treats me and he can’t have feelings or emotions for anyone. He told me he doesn’t even love his family and that his parents are divorced (I knew that) and his mom is addicted to drugs and his dad is abusive. So I get why he is the way he is but he has started to get even meaner to me and now has gone days ignoring me and will randomly just want to have sex with me...I love him but I can’t tell if I’m being too nice and even though he is going through a lot doesn’t give him an excuse. I guess I don’t know if I should hate him or not. I know I should just not talk to him and when he reaches out just tell him that I can’t continue to be treated like this and I still want to continue but I need consistency so I can trust him. I know I can be crazy and flip out but I am trying to work on that as well

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If you are looking for a relationship, labels or not, this guy isn't it.

 

You want consistency, which is fair. But he has shown you time and again he isn't going to give you that. His ego was bruised when he saw you with another dude, but he still isn't prepared to be your boyfriend or behave the way you hoped he would. He likes the sex, but he doesn't want to be responsible for anything deeper with you.

 

There is no reason to hate him, though. You are also making a choice to be with him and tolerate this back-and-forth, so that part is on you. If you are unhappy, and it sounds like you really are, it's time for you to put a stop to it.

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Thank you for your reply! I guess I’m just going to ignore him and tell him next time he reaches out, that I still have feelings but I need consistency and I don’t think he is willing to get help for that. I guess my question is, do you personally (and I know you don’t know him at all) but just from what you’re hearing... think he truly has feelings for me or do you think he’s been using me this whole time knowingly?

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I guess if it’s a case where what we have is real and he just needs help, I’d encourage him to get help. I feel like it’s real bc if he was just using me this wouldn’t be going on for two years.... I also wonder if it’s a case where he is just so mentally messed up and needs serious help and that’s why he says he feels guilty and wants to stop. I think he keeps coming back bc 1. He’s a guy who enjoys physical 2. He does have feelings for me and caves3. I let him and enable him

 

If it’s a case where he has been using me and doesn’t have feelings then that’s wrong

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He likes you just fine. He just doesn't like you the way you like him.

 

And him getting mad that some other guy was playing with his toy truck isn't a "sign" he really does love you. He just wants to make sure you remain available to him for whenever he wants companionship or sex.

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It looks like wants an exclusive casual relationship with you, not a serious relationship, hence the push - pull nature of his actions. As soon as he senses you getting too close he distances himself so he can maintain his boundaries and avoid getting emotionally close to you. And yes it's entirely possible for him to be possessive even though he doesn't want a relationship... because when sex is involved it's an instinctual reaction to protect that connection vs a conscious act.

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He wants you on his terms. Unfortunately your terms are entirely different.

 

He does this because he can. You taught him it's ok and you will tolerate it. Yes, you might make a fuss about it, but at this point you've become a lion with no teeth because you roll over and don't enforce anything. And yes, enforcing it may very well mean closing the door on this guy. Believe you deserve better.

 

As far as his emotional issues, take him at his word and consider him not fit for a relationship. Besides, he's proved it to you over an over.

 

And when he saw you with another guy had nothing to do with his love for you and everything to do with his ego.

 

Bottom line, if he really loved you he wouldn't risk losing you to begin with.

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What I don’t like is when he will ignore me for days out of nowhere and pretend he doesn’t care. His friends have all separatly come up to me and talked about how he has major anxiety and can be really moody and isolate himself from everyone. That’s why I try to be understanding.....
You don't like it when he ignores you for days so why are you being "understanding?" You are putting aside your own needs to accommodate and ENABLE him to be the very thing you don't like.

 

Honour yourself and get rid of this chuckler. He is not going to be your boyfriend, your husband or anything else but he will continue to jump into bed with you if your self-respect is so low that you continue to enable him to just see you when it suits HIM.

 

I don't even know you but I know you can do better than him, chica.

 

I guess if it’s a case where what we have is real and he just needs help, I’d encourage him to get help. I feel like it’s real bc if he was just using me this wouldn’t be going on for two years....
Don't kid yourself. It will go on because you allow him a sexual relationship and you put up with his disappearing acts. He's getting exactly what HE WANTS so why change that?

 

I also wonder if it’s a case where he is just so mentally messed up and needs serious help and that’s why he says he feels guilty and wants to stop.
If he's that seriously messed up you shouldn't want to be with him and instead get yourself away from him. If he was decent he would break up with you if he's not ready to give you what you want. If he really feels guilty but keeps on doing the same thing then he's a selfish, self absorbed arse.

 

I think he keeps coming back bc 1. He’s a guy who enjoys physical 2. He does have feelings for me and caves3. I let him and enable him

 

If it’s a case where he has been using me and doesn’t have feelings then that’s wrong

Logically, Its most likely #3. He's fond of you but he sure don't love you. Love is an action word and having sex is not an indication of love.

 

The question to ask yourself is why in all that is good do you settle for some guy that has clearly told you in more than one way that he is not going to give you anything more than he already is?

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My ex whatever-he-was kept me around for over 5 years. Not because he loved me so much, but because his ego loved knowing that I'd leap anytime he wanted me to and that I would always be available whenever he wanted me to be. He too acted jealous if he thought another guy wanted me, but that again was his ego. He didn't want another guy playing with what he viewed as HIS toy. There was never any love.

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I am going to spin this a little differently from the others as he sounds exactly, I mean exactly, like my brother, who after breaking off with his long time girlfriend in college which devastated him (won’t go into it but it was BAD), became literally incapable of developing a close intimate relationship with a woman.

 

Not just for a few months, but this has been going on for YEARS. As soon as he starts developing deep emotions/feelings for a woman, his anxiety goes through the roof, he literally panics, and suddenly without warning he’s telling her he “can’t do a relationship” when just the day before he told her he loves her and wants to build a future with her!

 

It’s mind boggling and crazy-making. The hot and cold, the back and forth, I become exhausted just hearing about it, I can’t imagine actually living it.

 

Anyway, he’s in his early 40s now and very aware of his extremely dysfunctional and frankly cruel behavior so now tries to stick to strictly casual relationships. Not always successfully but he tries.

 

The irony is he would love nothing more than to have an emotionally close intimate RL, but he just can’t do it. I dunno, I guess it brings up too many bad thoughts and memories about what happened with his college girlfriend (she ended it), how hurt he was after that ended, and he just doesn’t have it in him to go through that again.

 

Not that it would, but that’s where his thoughts go once he becomes close to a woman and starts developing feelings for her. Which by the way he's an expert at controlling, by ignoring, going cold, which works temporarily, but then he misses her desperately and the whole cycle begins again.

 

Your boyfriend literally told you the same more or less, did he not? While in tears?

 

So yeah I would believe him, he’s got some very deep issues that I hope he seeks help for, so he doesn’t end up like my brother, in his 40s with no one special in his life nor does it appear there ever will be.

 

My advice would be tell him you hope he gets some help for whatever emotions he’s struggling with, and then wish him well and say goodbye.

 

I am so sorry, I understand how painful it is, I truly do. But if you choose to remain, you will no doubt become crazier than you are now, he’s just got too many issues, which are not your problem to fix, they’re HIS.

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Thank you for the reply. Yeah I think he needs serious help. Also I think when his mom was going through her ordeal and his parents got divorced it was the same time he was with his old girlfriend. So his family betrayed him and his highschool girlfriend. If he is open with me about admitting he needs help or at least will acknowledge he is willing to get help then I could be there for him. But I agree I am enabling him. I guess my biggest question is.... does he really have feelings for me?

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Thank you everyone for the replies! It’s almost like he’s an alcoholic and though he doesn’t mean to mistreat me, he currently is. I love him and am cool with us hanging out but I’m not going to commit to him unless he can prove to me he will try and change. And no sex until we commit and it’s up to me if I think he’s ready

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I guess my biggest question is.... does he really have feelings for me?

 

Sure he does.

 

But, real talk? Who cares? He's completely incapable of treating you kindly or with respect. He's hot Monday, cold Tuesday, a ghost Wednesday, a love bug Thursday. He is, in short, a mess. And he knows it. And you know it.

 

Don't mistake tearful confessions of "I'm a mess!" as a display of trust and vulnerability, especially when they come on the heels or as a prelude to "Want to have sex with me?" Inside that kind of dynamic—the dynamic you're in—all signs of romance (sex, texting, whatever) are just a hall pass for someone to continue being a mess. Enabling, as you said.

 

I know it's hard to disengage from this sort of thing. Feelings are strange and powerful forces. But for what it's worth? I was a version of this guy back in my 20s: the brooding mess, the dude a handful of women probably described as "a good guy who needs some help and to grow up a bit before he can really be a good guy." Know what? They were right! The ones who kept their distance were the wise ones; the ones who didn't? They got some whiplash. I'm not proud of that, but there it is. I had plenty of "feelings" back then for some women I had no capacity to treat well, but it didn't matter.

 

You're 25, entering the prime of your life. This is not a man who will help you shine as you should shine. He's just going to dim your light, as he already has. You're going on Facebook and trying to "figure him out" based on photos of him and his high school girlfriend? I don't think you want to be that person. Whatever he feels for you right now, I don't think you want keep feeling the way you feel, you know?

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That makes since. Should there be a time when I take him back? Or I guess what should I do when he hits me up again? Or should I even be honest with him?

I was thinking of talking with him in person and just saying that I obviously have feelings for him ... but him being exclusive isn’t enough for me and I’m not sure I want to be exclusive with him right now anyways. Im going to date around and until he can prove to me that he can treat me right I’m not exclusive. I am down to hang out but we are not going to be intimate sexually. And maybe I should make sure that we hang out in a setting where I’m not tempted. Right now when I have sex with him I’m just enabling him

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That makes since. Should there be a time when I take him back? Or I guess what should I do when he hits me up again? Or should I even be honest with him?

 

How can you take back a guy who was never really yours to begin with? What is there to "take back," exactly?

 

Given that you know how he feels about you (doesn't want a relationship) you should be clear that you care about him but don't feel it's a good idea to continue seeing each other and having sex when your goals are so different. Trust me when I say that hanging out won't be fun either. Why? Because once sex is off the table with you, he will likely likely search for it from someone else. It won't feel good to see him as friends when you find out you're not the only girl on his roster.

 

If you're not willing to assert your boundary, this push-pull will continue until your self-esteem is in tatters.

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So is your advice to just ignore him? And he does refer to me as “his girl” and we are very exclusive, like I haven’t ever hooked up with him when we’re not.

 

No. I said this: "you should be clear that you care about him but don't feel it's a good idea to continue seeing each other and having sex when your goals are so different." That means using your voice, not ignoring him. It doesn't mean you will get the result you want, but it will mean that you stop being so passive about it all.

 

I hate to be blunt, but you need to stop putting so much value on fluffy words. Saying you're his girl is rather meaningless, considering he doesn't want a relationship with you. Anyone can say something like that. It doesn't mean much when the behaviour doesn't back it up.

 

Being very exclusive is not the same as actually being in a relationship, either. And hey, that's all fine and dandy when it's what both people want. The trouble is that it's clearly not okay for you. You desire the consistency and reliability that a relationship brings. He doesn't want to give you that. He is fine being quite casual and not being your boyfriend. You, evidently, want much more than he does.

 

I know it hurts and you're trying to make sense of it, but this isn't likely to end the way you hoped. You've been much more tolerant than you should have been. Many of us have done what you're doing now, at some point in our lives - accepting flimsy connections in the hopes that the other person just needs to get their act together or snap out of it or get help for whatever issue we think they have. Truth be told, I have almost never seen a situation like yours end in a sustainable, long-term relationship.

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The problem with starting anything 'casual' is that it devolves into a power struggle. The more invested person tries to manipulate the other into investing more, while the less invested person plays the tightrope walk of offering just enough crumbs to keep the other invested without needing to invest themselves.

 

That's messy kid stuff.

 

If you recognize that you are relationship material, own it, and don't even bother with anyone who doesn't view themselves the same way. Otherwise you just hook yourself into the dynamic above, have you noticed?

 

I'd tell the guy, "I adore you, and I can picture the two of us together in the future, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another--to preserve that potential. I've grown enough to recognize that I'm relationship material, so I no longer want to settle for anything less. I'm going to try to find that for myself, and if you ever decide that you're relationship material, too, you can reach out and let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I don't want us to stay in contact, but I wish you the best."

 

Then walk away, head high, liberated from the trap of trying to manipulate someone into wanting what he doesn't want. That's degrading, and it's a waste of your time, because the more you push for what you want, the stronger his resistance will become to giving 'in' to give it to you. Take the pressure off the table, and allow him the space and time to miss you and learn what life is like without you. Trust that if you're a meant-to-be deal, he'll have no problem catching up with you on higher ground. If not, you'll already be on a healing path toward your own higher ground, and you'll grow confident enough to never settle for less that what you want and deserve.

 

Self respect is the only way to gain respect from anyone else. Start there, and you'll thank yourself later regardless of outcmes.

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That’s actually great advice. He currently is ignoring me but when he reaches out again I’m just going to text him that. I could say it in person bc he might take it more seriously?

 

Are you looking for an excuse to see him in person?

 

How is your self control around him? If he makes a move can you resist?

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That’s actually great advice. He currently is ignoring me but when he reaches out again I’m just going to text him that. I could say it in person bc he might take it more seriously?

It's up to him to work on the interpretation. You just tell him what you need to say, for you.

Kinda hard to talk to someone who's ignoring you, right?

Seeing he's being disrespectful I wouldn't lose any sleep over a proper delivery and worry about if he believes you or not.

The most important thing is that you believe it.

He's not exactly laying awake wondering what you're thinking afterall.

 

~sorry, this isn't working for me, I wish you well, goodbye.

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Also I love him and have never said that. Should I?

 

No. I think the "seriousness" of it is what freaked him out in the first place.

 

Look, the guy's got serious commitment fears/issues, that's why he ignores you and that's why he runs.

 

Do some research on it, Google it.

 

He told you he can't do "emotions," he can't do "relationships;" it's a big mistake to spill your feels to a guy who tells you these things.

 

It will only freak him out more, and push him further away.

 

The best and smartest thing to do?

 

Leave him alone, or better yet walk away and look for a guy without all these issues.

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I'm sorry K, I understand how easy it is to love guys like this. They’re so “sad,” so “troubled.” I've BTDT so I totally get it!

 

A woman thinks oh he’s just scared of getting hurt, I need to prove to him I won’t hurt him, I need to make it “all better” for him; with my love and care, he’ll feel better and want to commit to me!

 

No no no, wrong, it won’t. If you read up on these types of fears, it’s your “love” and “caring” that’s actually pushing him away.

 

Again as HE said, he can’t do emotions. So why would you think that more love, more care, more emotion is gonna bring him closer?

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