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Thread: Unstable

  1. #1

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    Unstable

    So this is a longgg one so Iím going to try and sum up the important details! Some background...
    -We are both mid 20s
    -We met eachother the last week before we moved from our college town
    - We Have been on and off for two years
    -We have moved from our different home towns to the same city

    So havenít used the official term ďboyfriend, GirlfriendĒ but we are exclusive etc. ... This whole time our realationship has been very unstable. Itís a hybrid of a boyfriend girlfriend relationship combined with hook up buddies. He goes back and forth with how he treats me. At times we are starting to become more like a couple but then we get too close for him I guess and he starts to treat it like we are just hook up buddies. He will tell me he doesnít want a realationship.... but to me being exclusive and having feelings for eachother is the same thing so I donít really care about labels just exclusiveness and emotions. He will do this thing where he wants to be ďaloneĒ and will straight up ignore me for days. I will confront him and he will go on to say... ďmaybe we should just stopĒ. So one time I took his word and he saw me getting real cozy with this guy we both know at a bar. He literally flipped out and when I said ďwhy do you care? You told me you didnít want to be in a relationship and we should stop, so itís none of your businessĒ. He goes on to say it is his business.... and then he says he DOES want us to be exclusive. So Iím confused bc at times he says that he just wants to hook up and thatís it but still be exclusive and get all mad if Iím with another guy. He says he has feelings for me and likes me but is just going through a lot and canít do a realationship. I know he broke up with his old girlfriend of 5 years a year before he met me and apparently it was awful. It bothers me though bc Iíve looked on Facebook and he was very affectionate to her and completely different. This though was his highschool girlfriend that went into college.... we are 25 now...
    I still am trying to be compassionate and to be honest I donít care about titles as long as we are exclusive and both have feelings for each other. What I donít like is when he will ignore me for days out of nowhere and pretend he doesnít care. His friends have all separatly come up to me and talked about how he has major anxiety and can be really moody and isolate himself from everyone. Thatís why I try to be understanding.....
    One night he drank a lot and came over, right after we hooked up he started crying and basically told me this needs to stop and he feels so guilty for the way he treats me and he canít have feelings or emotions for anyone. He told me he doesnít even love his family and that his parents are divorced (I knew that) and his mom is addicted to drugs and his dad is abusive. So I get why he is the way he is but he has started to get even meaner to me and now has gone days ignoring me and will randomly just want to have sex with me...I love him but I canít tell if Iím being too nice and even though he is going through a lot doesnít give him an excuse. I guess I donít know if I should hate him or not. I know I should just not talk to him and when he reaches out just tell him that I canít continue to be treated like this and I still want to continue but I need consistency so I can trust him. I know I can be crazy and flip out but I am trying to work on that as well

  2. #2
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    If you are looking for a relationship, labels or not, this guy isn't it.

    You want consistency, which is fair. But he has shown you time and again he isn't going to give you that. His ego was bruised when he saw you with another dude, but he still isn't prepared to be your boyfriend or behave the way you hoped he would. He likes the sex, but he doesn't want to be responsible for anything deeper with you.

    There is no reason to hate him, though. You are also making a choice to be with him and tolerate this back-and-forth, so that part is on you. If you are unhappy, and it sounds like you really are, it's time for you to put a stop to it.

  3. #3

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    Thank you for your reply! I guess Iím just going to ignore him and tell him next time he reaches out, that I still have feelings but I need consistency and I donít think he is willing to get help for that. I guess my question is, do you personally (and I know you donít know him at all) but just from what youíre hearing... think he truly has feelings for me or do you think heís been using me this whole time knowingly?

  4. #4

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    I guess if itís a case where what we have is real and he just needs help, Iíd encourage him to get help. I feel like itís real bc if he was just using me this wouldnít be going on for two years.... I also wonder if itís a case where he is just so mentally messed up and needs serious help and thatís why he says he feels guilty and wants to stop. I think he keeps coming back bc 1. Heís a guy who enjoys physical 2. He does have feelings for me and caves3. I let him and enable him

    If itís a case where he has been using me and doesnít have feelings then thatís wrong

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  6. #5
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    I think he likes you well enough, but not as much as you like him.

  7. #6
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    He likes you just fine. He just doesn't like you the way you like him.

    And him getting mad that some other guy was playing with his toy truck isn't a "sign" he really does love you. He just wants to make sure you remain available to him for whenever he wants companionship or sex.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    It looks like wants an exclusive casual relationship with you, not a serious relationship, hence the push - pull nature of his actions. As soon as he senses you getting too close he distances himself so he can maintain his boundaries and avoid getting emotionally close to you. And yes it's entirely possible for him to be possessive even though he doesn't want a relationship... because when sex is involved it's an instinctual reaction to protect that connection vs a conscious act.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    He wants you on his terms. Unfortunately your terms are entirely different.

    He does this because he can. You taught him it's ok and you will tolerate it. Yes, you might make a fuss about it, but at this point you've become a lion with no teeth because you roll over and don't enforce anything. And yes, enforcing it may very well mean closing the door on this guy. Believe you deserve better.

    As far as his emotional issues, take him at his word and consider him not fit for a relationship. Besides, he's proved it to you over an over.

    And when he saw you with another guy had nothing to do with his love for you and everything to do with his ego.

    Bottom line, if he really loved you he wouldn't risk losing you to begin with.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    What I donít like is when he will ignore me for days out of nowhere and pretend he doesnít care. His friends have all separatly come up to me and talked about how he has major anxiety and can be really moody and isolate himself from everyone. Thatís why I try to be understanding.....
    You don't like it when he ignores you for days so why are you being "understanding?" You are putting aside your own needs to accommodate and ENABLE him to be the very thing you don't like.

    Honour yourself and get rid of this chuckler. He is not going to be your boyfriend, your husband or anything else but he will continue to jump into bed with you if your self-respect is so low that you continue to enable him to just see you when it suits HIM.

    I don't even know you but I know you can do better than him, chica.

    Originally Posted by K1994
    I guess if itís a case where what we have is real and he just needs help, Iíd encourage him to get help. I feel like itís real bc if he was just using me this wouldnít be going on for two years....
    Don't kid yourself. It will go on because you allow him a sexual relationship and you put up with his disappearing acts. He's getting exactly what HE WANTS so why change that?

    I also wonder if itís a case where he is just so mentally messed up and needs serious help and thatís why he says he feels guilty and wants to stop.
    If he's that seriously messed up you shouldn't want to be with him and instead get yourself away from him. If he was decent he would break up with you if he's not ready to give you what you want. If he really feels guilty but keeps on doing the same thing then he's a selfish, self absorbed arse.

    I think he keeps coming back bc 1. Heís a guy who enjoys physical 2. He does have feelings for me and caves3. I let him and enable him

    If itís a case where he has been using me and doesnít have feelings then thatís wrong
    Logically, Its most likely #3. He's fond of you but he sure don't love you. Love is an action word and having sex is not an indication of love.

    The question to ask yourself is why in all that is good do you settle for some guy that has clearly told you in more than one way that he is not going to give you anything more than he already is?
    Last edited by ThatwasThen; 05-16-2019 at 06:59 PM.

  11. #10
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    My ex whatever-he-was kept me around for over 5 years. Not because he loved me so much, but because his ego loved knowing that I'd leap anytime he wanted me to and that I would always be available whenever he wanted me to be. He too acted jealous if he thought another guy wanted me, but that again was his ego. He didn't want another guy playing with what he viewed as HIS toy. There was never any love.

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