I just need reassurance

I need a second opinion on a million thoughts in my head right now about my current girlfriend. So this might be a bit lengthy, just a warning.

I’ve been in a relationship with a girl I met at work for about a year now. We’ve been seeing each other for six months even before that. She’s 20 and I’m 27, bit of a gap, I know. Also, she happens to be the second relationship I’ve ever had before. But she reached out to me and I started liking her the more we hung out. So we took a vacation together and ever since we’ve been a couple. A year later and I’d say our relationship is doing good.

But I can’t seem to shake feelings of her waning affection, and my worst fear in the world is being betrayed even just once and never knowing it for the rest of my life. I can’t live not knowing what I should know. And this girl, as easy as she is to talk to and as often as she’s been on my side, I can’t help but think there’s always something she’s not telling me.

We’ve only ever had a few issues before in the entirety of our relationship. There used to be this guy, good friend of mine, who was incredibly ripped and encouraged both me and my girlfriend to go out to the gym together with him since he newly got his new position as a fitness trainer. She thought he was fun and I had fun with him until one night but him and I got drunk together and he let slip his “I don’t give a f*** attitude.” One of the most prominent things he said was something along the lines of, “If I see nice on accident I’m just gonna say ‘hey you got nice tits’ I don’t care.” My girlfriends name was coming out of his mouth every ten seconds and it bothered the hell out of me, so I shut him down immediately for it and since then I only hung out with him when me and my girlfriend went to the gym together to work out with him. Since telling my girlfriend that she seemingly understood. But I realized it hadn’t sunk in since every time I asked her to go to the gym with me she didn’t want to go unless he was gonna be there to help train. And then one night it seemed like he was all that was coming out of HER mouth was his name. At that point she already had his Snapchat and I knew they talked periodically, but I didn’t want to be that boyfriend that restricted who my girlfriends friends could be. Unfortunately I had to talk with her about it as well because every second I was with her that night a dark pit grew in my stomach more and more. When I talked to her, she said, “If I wanted to be with him I wouldn’t be with you.” It didn’t convince me but I took her at her word.

Beyond that, however, my friend had found another girl, and suddenly my girlfriend didn’t like her for a while. See, my friend had just come out of a heavy break up with a girl from two years of his life and he wasn’t taking it very well, as much as he tried to convince us he was doing fine. So when he got with this new girl who had a bunch of baggage, I assumed my girl was just using her sixth sense about this chick he was dating being bad for him. And she was, for the most part. She ended up breaking it off with him after two months, so now he’s single again and taking his issues out on the weights.

Fast forward to this day, he still contacts my girlfriend a lot on Snapchat; hardly ever even talks to me anymore. However apparently my girlfriend doesn’t really like him much anymore since apparently she tried hooking him up with one of her girlfriends and she wasn’t interested. But she goes to the gym that he works at, and he’s apparently been getting too close for comfort to her friend, so now my girlfriend isn’t a fan of him at all anymore. Didn’t even invite him to her recent birthday party just to avoid drama. But recent changes have me worried again. See, the gym my friend works at coincidentally happens to be right down the street from my girlfriends house. He’s been working there for a while of course. She doesn’t even have her own car yet so it’s not like she gets out regularly, let alone had ever been in the habit of working out regularly. But just recently she decided to get her own membership there, whereas before—after the previous drama—she and I were finally going on our own and she would go as my guest. Now she’s going there with her mom every once in a while telling me that my friend is still stuck on her friend or so. I’m not necessarily in shape myself but every time my girl wants to go to the gym I hop in the car and take her and we work out for about an hour or so.

But so much doesn’t make sense to me. I mean she lives with her mom and she only works a part time job so she has a lot of time to herself at home when her mom is at work and so am I. She has anxiety every so often that goes unexplained to the point that she tears up in front of me but whenever I ask her what’s wrong or how she’s feeling all I ever get is a shrug or “I don’t know.” Like she never thinks about anything. And she’s willing to talk about our relationship but hardly ever about how she feels. Granted, she’s very outspoken about loyalty and such. But in situations where I give her all my password info hoping she would return the favor she basically turns cheek and tells me, “It’s okay, I don’t need that, you’ve never given me any reason to doubt you.” And I’m in disbelief thinking, “but how? Not even once?” As she continues to go and keep her own phone a private thing when I’m damn sure she knows I’ve died thinking about who she texts and what she says about me. I just want it to be on her terms. We’ve talked ad-nauseoum about these things and it’s always the same answers. How am I supposed to take all these things on faith after everything? Without even a simple logical explanation? What am I supposed to think?

The problem isn't your girlfriend. The problem is that no matter what she tells you, you don't trust her. You don't believe that she's on your side.

I feel like you'd do better to look at yourself and figure out why you have trust issues and lack confidence in your relationship.

A logical explanation for what exactly?

You have absolutely nothing to go on and your hunch as you call it, is nothing more than garden variety insecurity.

You keep dogging her to reassure you but it's your problem to work on, not hers.

How am I supposed to take all these things on faith after everything?

Because she's done nothing wrong and she's has acted in every way to earn your trust. Therefore she deserves it.

The whole thing about giving passwords in an attempt to get hers made my skin crawl. You realize that's really manipulative, right?

Dude. . Snap out of it.

Until which time she actually does something to break your trust, yes you do have to have faith.

The alternative is what you are doing now. Obsessing about nothing and making yourself miserable. It's eventually going to poison your relationship and she'll get tired of assuaging your insecurities.

Both of you just need to sit down and communicate better. She's displaying signs that she's avoiding communicating with you and shutting down. You may be giving off a very hostile vibe and I don't blame you because it sounds like there's a lot of resentment built up on your end. You've tried to silence your gut feelings for too long regarding the inappropriate conversations between her and your friend or whatever friendship they've got going on without you and the secretive use of her phone etc. I'm not sure why people these days are so protective of their phone usage. There seems to be an inordinate amount of importance placed on phones. There shouldn't be any defensiveness about any type of use over it and there certainly doesn't need to be any resentment or hostility towards its use. I don't have much patience for those those types of behaviours myself, going both ways. Regarding sharing passwords, it's up to the couple. My husband and I have no qualms about it (we both have no patience for over-defensiveness either). Broad generalizations are not going to work for everyone.

Speak your mind a lot more honestly in your communications with her and most of all, you should be honest with yourself if she's not the right woman for you. You don't have to break each other down and torture each other. What you should be is strong enough to respect each other and walk away from a relationship that is not healthy or fulfilling to you (one that does not add to your happiness or peace of mind).

If you are annoyed or insecure, it's valid. Go over with yourself why you feel that way and call a spade a spade. You mentioned not wanting to be "that boyfriend". Well, here's a good dose of reality: in life you're often going to have to find yourself being "that" person whether you like it or not because here's another reality check - most (the majority of) people don't want to be real or honest or "that" person. The least you can do is be honest with yourself and quit batting around the bush about what isn't your cup of tea or what isn't appropriate to you. Be free, free yourself of all these burdens and just be honest about what doesn't feel good to you. No one but you gets to make those choices.

Look, I think both your communication style is probably not the best from what I gather. I do understand why you got jealous and worried regarding your friend from the gym and your girlfriend, because he's ripped and he was acting like he was into her. I think it's a tricky situation though because he's YOUR friend. You introduced them and you wanted to go to the gym so he would train you guys. So that's quite different to if she just went to the gym on her own and started hanging out with some hot guy on her own. Like, her friendship with your friend was driven largely by you, was it not?

The thing is that if she has never hung out with him outside of the gym, but only for training, then I don't think you really have any proof that she did anything wrong. And she goes to the gym with her Mum, not by herself. If she wanted to be alone with your friend then why would she be bringing her Mum? Sounds to me like maybe yeah your friend is a bit sleazy and it's possible he had a thing for your girlfriend, but to me it sounds like it might be more on his side then hers.

The issue here is that it was you that started the whole going to the gym thing so you are actually right, to then say she can't go to that gym anymore without any proof, is controlling. Do keep in mind that in general the gym is full of muscly guys. And the world in general is full of guys. So really anytime we're in a relationship we just have to have faith that our partner will choose us over other people.

I think if you felt worried about the friend situation then maybe you should have just explained to your girlfriend how you feel and say you were a bit worried because of those comments he made. It's all about communication and getting things out in the open.

Regarding giving your girlfriend your passwords and expecting the same from her, that is not cool. That's manipulative. People are entitled to their privacy and if she said she did nothing wrong, then you shouldn't be trying to snoop on her like that.

Regarding that friend though, I don't know if he's really a true friend or that he's got your back. Like, I have some of my girl friends' partners on my Facebook, but I don't talk to them really because it's not exactly appropriate. I just act friendly to them when I see them together with my girl friends. There are boundaries and I think your friend was crossing them.

I’m sorry but maybe this wasn’t the best place to get advice. I do not not ever will believe simply hoping—not even vocalizing—that my girlfriend would extend the same sign of trust to me that I did for her was any kind of manipulative. At the end of the day she decided not to give me hers, and I never pushed it, as much as I wanted her to. To this day she still has my password and can look at my phone whenever she wants to despite never looking at it. My password has never changed and she knows this. To think that everyone here find this disturbing and would ever possibly hold it against your own significant other that they would hope for a simple favor of kindness in return for your own without making it a big deal simply disgusts me. I know at least that much is unhealthy for a relationship.

There was some good advice here and there from some of you but I can no longer take merit of it considering none of you would seem to be bothered the way I was at the fact that my girlfriend during that moment was inconsiderate of the way I felt about my gym friend, giddily talking to him in front of me and telling me she was wondering when we could hang out with him again despite me already having a conversation with her about what he said and how I felt about him. I’m not saying my girlfriend did anything wrong, but if none of you see how nad that situation is I don’t think I can take advice from here after all. I just wanted to know how to approach my current situation and how I should feel about it. I never asked to be judged.

Take a seat OP... getting angry at us solves nothing.

Giving her your password might be kind in your eyes but getting p!$$ed because she didn’t return the favour means you weren’t doing it out of the goodness of your heart, you were doing it because you wanted something in return... a selfish and self serving act to say the least.

Her anxiety is probably related to the fact that you keep hacking on her about how you don’t trust her.

Believe it or not trust starts from within.... you need to trust yourself first before you can extend trust to others. Consider looking at the reasons why you think your life will fall apart and you will literally die if someone wants to keep parts of themselves private... that’s about you not them.

Where did I say I was pissed? I was simply disappointed. Can I not be quietly disappointed to myself? I disagree with what you think giving passwords to phones and the like mean. To me it seemed like a sign that I had not yet reached a level of trust for my partner that I was hoping to achieve, and clearly still haven’t. I’m disappointed at the fact that I’m ready to share everything with her and show her my words match my actions, but it hasn’t even crossed her mind. But I’ve been past this disappointment for a while, and moved on with no need to want access to a part of her life she feels the need to restrict even me from when every other couple on the planet gives their everything to their partner.

And for the record, I’ve talked with her a total of twice about my personal concerns over our year long relationship. Every other conversation I have with her is asking how she feels and what I can do to help when she has anxiety which is in fact NOT caused by any haranguing on my part—it’s a condition of hers that occurred long before I came into her life. I cannot be more clear.

Unless someone can actually understand what I’m trying to explain I’m done here.

I think there's some misunderstanding. Julian, I think the members here are speaking from different angles but all saying the same thing. No one wants to see you like this (in pain or feeling like this regarding your girlfriend). When people post about their problems, we understand that there's a level of emotion there that is already pre-existing.

The general idea is that when there is strife or an issue in a relationship, that difficulty arises not just from one area but it usually stems from multiple areas in the relationship that have caused that outcome. For example, the male third party in question is a friend of yours that you introduced to your girlfriend. This is a touchy issue because he is your friend, after all. You don't have any control over his actions but his behaviour towards your girlfriend (I would agree with you) is inappropriate. He's been using your girlfriend as an emotional crutch for awhile and she may feel useful and helpful to him in his situation. There's a friendship there or an emotional connection that can be taken out of context and if there is any room for any associations to be taken out of context, it is inappropriate to start, in my mind.

When I responded to your post it was a bit wordy so the meaning could have been lost. What I'm saying is that you should feel free to discern what does or does not feel right to you when it comes to shared information or phone use in a relationship. Unfortunately your girlfriend just isn't showing signs of wanting to work with you or be open with you. It takes two to tango: if she's not willing to work with you or communicate with you this may be a dealbreaker eventually. I also wonder why, at 20, she's only working part time and still living with her mum. Is she doing part time schooling or does she have other ongoing commitments? I'm puzzled why a man like you would want to date a 20 year old who works part time with no other apparent commitments in life. At the risk of sounding harsh, do you think you're aiming a little...low? I'm not attacking your relationship. I'm just putting these questions out there as I don't feel you both are compatible to begin with even in terms of your life stages.

I'm puzzled why a man like you would want to date a 20 year old who works part time with no other apparent commitments in life. At the risk of sounding harsh, do you think you're aiming a little...low? I'm not attacking your relationship. I'm just putting these questions out there as I don't feel you both are compatible to begin with even in terms of your life stages.

This.

A lot of what you seem frustrated with, frankly, is that an aimless 20-year-old woman—barely an adult, in the earliest stages of defining herself as an adult—is not behaving more like, I don't know, a mature 27-year-old woman.

Regarding the sharing of passwords—well, I'm sorry, but that is an immature means of building trust with someone. Makes sense. You're trying to build trust with someone who is less mature than you, someone whose value system is still incubating, and so you're kind of leveling backwards in the hopes of seeing eye to eye. In the process you're getting twisted up in a knot, feeling edgy and panicky, and lashing out at internet strangers. You're staring down the barrel at 30, but your feet are moving a bit like a kid in the high school parking lot.

No judgement, believe me. When I was 35 I got into a relationship with a 23 year old. Lasted three years. Cool woman, lots of fun, plenty of genuine connection past the obvious. But there was no denying that we were on drastically different levels, in different stages of life, and not really compatible. Wasn't super fun to admit that—because it meant accepting that there were ways in which I was more comfortable leveling down or staying frozen instead of growing, maturing, and leveling up—but it was ultimately more fun than the game of square peg and round hole that had me wondering when I slipped back into high school in some of the ways I was "communicating." To say nothing of what I was sometimes "communicating" about.

There's another way to be, and another way to feel, inside a relationship than the way you're feeling now, and have been for a while. The stuff with your friend, the clash over passwords—those are phantom issues masking the big issue. This, I think, is all people are trying to communicate to you on here. But that's unlikely to be this relationship, but probably one with someone who's a bit more further along on her journey. With that person—and, yeah, with maybe a little self-work to soften the edges of some of your trust issues—you'll find a connection in which growth and trust kind of just blossom rather than emerge from tests.

To think that everyone here find this disturbing and would ever possibly hold it against your own significant other that they would hope for a simple favor of kindness in return for your own without making it a big deal simply disgusts me. I know at least that much is unhealthy for a relationship.

Exchanging passwords as a simple favor of kindness? I've never considered this a standard practice in relationships. Hmmm

And in wanted to maintain her autonomy, it actually disgusts you?

- or is it our challenging your thought process disgusting.

Exchanging passwords as a simple favor of kindness? I've never considered this a standard practice in relationships. Hmmm

And in wanted to maintain her autonomy, it actually disgusts you?

 

- or is it our challenging your thought process disgusting.

Most of the challenges here are what caused me to reel. Even my girlfriend understood what I was doing better than what people seem to have the wrong idea of here. Which to my surprise is allowing me to reevaluate a much better understanding of that particular situation. All in all it was never a problem, just an example to add to the situation I thought would help people understand better. And in my conclusion I know I would never date anyone who would look at an olive branch as poison oak. Otherwise why would I still be with her? If I was anything other than completely transparent, I couldn’t have even done what I did. And there is nothing manipulative about that, or hoping your SO would want the same thing for you. Say I retracted my information that I willingly gave her and changed my password because she didn’t give me what I wanted—THATS manipulative, and a clear example of self serving. That someone would not offer themselves without getting anything in return. Does that not make sense? But I offered anyways, and gave without receiving, despite being optimistic that my SO would share my feelings and agree with me. But she didn’t share the same view, and as disappointed as I was—which in the grand scheme of things, is in fact my own fault—I understood her and could only be happy she at the very least understood me. In my gratitude, I pushed my doubts aside and never asked it from her again. Even though—although this might sound controlling—I felt at the time I was within my rights to straight up ask to look at her phone due to her unfair recent behavior around me. But I took the time to think about it and knew that would be a far, far worse thing to do and wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. So instead I hoped I could fairly prompt her to give me the opportunity that didn’t seem to be occurring to her. Which didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to and only increased my doubts—again, my own fault—but I remained fair to her and her desires at the end of the day. I do know what I believe and don’t believe in this regard, so I will return the challenge to those who insist on jumping to conclusions. But that’s not why I’m here.

I suppose I’m not giving some good people the chance to help on here just because of a few other peoples poor deductions of a situation I assumed I explained well enough, so I’ll explain further for the people giving me a chance.

I am, in fact, largely naive when it comes to relationships. Like I said in my original post, this is the second girlfriend I’ve ever had at age 27. My last girlfriend ended up leaving me for another guy due to me moving out of state, which came entirely out of left field for me. So if that helps put things into perspective, it’s probably where my insecurity is coming from. I wouldn’t have considered dating so young if it weren’t for the fact that she was the first person to express interest in me after a good couple of years. I really just went with it. I’m no so naive not to understand that she is young and still developing a sense of self as well. I just liked the idea of growing with someone, stuck on the depressing thought that I hadn’t done enough growing of my own despite my age. But it’s because of her youth that I understand that there are a number of risks involved dating that young as well. Which hadn’t even bothered me until my friend inadvertently challenged me at the time.

Maybe I am aiming somewhat low in an objective sense? I don’t know, I don’t like to think of my girlfriend like that. I really do love and care for her. I’m sure none of these things would bother me if I didn’t. But I couldn’t imagine doing better either. In the sense of everyone I know being too irritating or irrational to talk to. She and I mesh well when I’m talking about my feelings. I just feel so selfish not talking about hers, it actually depresses me even more. Which in turn is a selfish thing to feel since it’s not her fault whatsoever, spiraling into self-destruction not even she can help me with. So between that and the chaos already present in my life I am nothing but grateful to her just for existing. But the truth is I’m coming to realize I either have to mentally as well as physically stand strong on my own or let the whole thing go. And I’m a bit too stubborn to admit I can’t do it on my own. Again, my fault.

And yeah, I agree that my so-called friend doesn’t have my back. Which is another depressing thought because before he went into his own depression he really was a good friend. But at the moment, my problem isn’t even with him anymore. I’ve straight up excluded him from the majority of my life. My girlfriend by no means had to do the same thing; at the end of the day I did introduce them. But I’m just so TIRED of acting like it doesn’t bother me anymore. More than that, I’m tired of it bothering me in general. I can’t break up with my girlfriend over something this minuscule and weak, what does that say about me?? That I HAVE to be a controlling boyfriend just to be comfortable in a relationship? That I shouldn’t be dating at all? I want her to be free of my stupid emotional blackmail, I’ve already talked to her about it one too many times—I’m trying to do the opposite of beat her over the head with my insecurities. But deep down inside I know if I was the fool one more time because of this I wouldn’t date again until I was in my forties. And I’ve missed out on too much of life and love to be okay with that.

I mean, the way I’ve been told it would happen is that if someone is going to betray you, they’re going to betray you and there’s nothing you can do about it. But I don’t believe that if it happens I will ever find out. My worst fear? Being betrayed without ever knowing for the rest of my life all while she keeps me in her pocket for as long as she wants. Not that I would ever believe she would be that type. I just have that fear.

So what would you do in this situation? I don’t know if it would be too much to see if I could get her to maybe go to a different gym at least, like maybe the one in my town and start going with me again. Has anyone ever even been in a remotely similar situation as this? I don’t even know what’s going on in her head, but there’s no way she’s too young to not have thought it could have bothered me even a little.

What do you mean by "the fool one more time"? A scenario in which her affections flip from you to him and you find yourself in version 2.0 of your last relationship?

If so, I'd say you need to learn what it is to stand tall and feel confident on your own, rather than needing a relationship to be the thing that reinforces the spine. The more you write the more it seems that your goal in this relationship is to rewrite the story of your last one.

You've moved a baby step forward on acknowledging that a lot of this is your responsibility. That's an improvement.

Your friend gave you a bad vibe and it happens to be towards your girlfriend. I get it. Whether it's true or not, a lot of us can look back in retrospect in those nagging nudges we ignored that ended up being the truth that hurt us in end.

So what do you do in the meantime? Live in fear? Keep her on the drive way?

You are right. Someone will leave if they choose to and all the passwords and conditions in the world is. not. going. to. stop. them.

If there is a lesson in all of this, it's isn't about trusting her. It's about trusting yourself. You've heard of that self fulfilling prophecy? You grind her enough about this she is likely to leave and possibly for someone else and you can pound your fist on the table and proclaim you were right all along.

Trust yourself. Trust yourself to know the difference between right and wrong. Trust yourself to make good choices in partners. Trust yourself that you have what it takes to be brave and vulnerable. Trust yourself that you have what it takes to put your faith in another person. Bring your A game to the table and trust that no matter what, you will be ok. . . because people will disappoint you sometimes.

But forcing all types of conditions onto to someone else, someone who will choose to be with you out of their own free will. .is going about backwards.

What is it about you that a girl will want to give her heart to? Think about it.

Trust comes with time (and consistency in truth over time). One year is not very long. This is a very small fraction of a split second, just a bat of an eye, in the long long hours and years of a committed relationship. To put it bluntly, Rome was not built in a day. It won't be built in a day and I think you're asking for too much too soon. After the first few years of our relationship my husband and I were still over this and that and working out other details in our lives, figuring out boundaries and re-establishing what we were comfortable with, making adjustments and doing that give and take that's crucial for any relationship. We still do it and still have to talk now and then about what works and what doesn't, what grinds our gears and what's ok. When two people make a commitment to grow together, it's a more or less constant effort. It's important to put things in perspective and not get too weighed down, stay positive and stay strong. This is why being evenly matched is generally a good idea.

I don't have anything against big age gaps and your reasoning makes sense since you may feel you both get along better. I'm sorry for judging you harshly or superficially earlier if it came across that way. When I was 23 I was madly in love with a 42 year old. What he ever saw in me is anyone's guess. Maybe he also saw a reflection of youth. I know that eventually my rose-coloured glasses came off and I became very disillusioned. Being young and naive, I thought someone of his stature would represent the best qualities in a human being and that he'd be close to flawless. That idea couldn't have been more flawed. I also learned the hard way that everyone is flawed regardless of age, colour, background or maturity level. I also learned (harshly!) of my own flaws and had to interpret my setbacks each time.

I think you should learn to interpret your own flaws and process them, learn from them and put things in perspective. You're coming down a little too harsh on yourself. She is seeing through that and interpreting the tension and frustration also and coming to terms with her own disillusionment. I think you both should put things in perspective and lay off the frustrations for awhile. Learn to have fun with each other again and stop with the negative thinking. That friendship with your male friend and your girlfriend has to stop whether he likes it or not. If she doesn't want to do that or doesn't agree with you, you have your answer. That wouldn't be your battle anymore. Have the courage to move on.

What do you mean by "the fool one more time"? A scenario in which her affections flip from you to him and you find yourself in version 2.0 of your last relationship?

 

If so, I'd say you need to learn what it is to stand tall and feel confident on your own, rather than needing a relationship to be the thing that reinforces the spine. The more you write the more it seems that your goal in this relationship is to rewrite the story of your last one.

Yes, that’s somewhat correct. I felt like a fool when my ex and I hadn’t even previously discussed where our relationship was going after my move. But that was years and years ago. So if I’m not doing that, how does one go about doing it? Because overall, I’m just hoping beyond hope it doesn’t go down like last time. It seems to be the most common way these pitfalls happen.

Yes, that’s somewhat correct. I felt like a fool when my ex and I hadn’t even previously discussed where our relationship was going after my move. But that was years and years ago. So if I’m not doing that, how does one go about doing it? Because overall, I’m just hoping beyond hope it doesn’t go down like last time. It seems to be the most common way these pitfalls happen.

And it's very thing that is contaminating your current relationship. This is more about your last relationship than the one you have now.

I have been in your position. Horrible feeling, I understand. I read somewhere that the reason we get jealous is to protect ourselves from any possible threat, so we go through all the scenarios to be prepared. That is WAY more exhausting than one of the events actually happening.

What did I do? I started therapy. It really REALLY helps.

Trust comes with time (and consistency in truth over time). One year is not very long. This is a very small fraction of a split second, just a bat of an eye, in the long long hours and years of a committed relationship. To put it bluntly, Rome was not built in a day. It won't be built in a day and I think you're asking for too much too soon. After the first few years of our relationship my husband and I were still over this and that and working out other details in our lives, figuring out boundaries and re-establishing what we were comfortable with, making adjustments and doing that give and take that's crucial for any relationship. We still do it and still have to talk now and then about what works and what doesn't, what grinds our gears and what's ok. When two people make a commitment to grow together, it's a more or less constant effort. It's important to put things in perspective and not get too weighed down, stay positive and stay strong. This is why being evenly matched is generally a good idea.

 

I don't have anything against big age gaps and your reasoning makes sense since you may feel you both get along better. I'm sorry for judging you harshly or superficially earlier if it came across that way. When I was 23 I was madly in love with a 42 year old. What he ever saw in me is anyone's guess. Maybe he also saw a reflection of youth. I know that eventually my rose-coloured glasses came off and I became very disillusioned. Being young and naive, I thought someone of his stature would represent the best qualities in a human being and that he'd be close to flawless. That idea couldn't have been more flawed. I also learned the hard way that everyone is flawed regardless of age, colour, background or maturity level. I also learned (harshly!) of my own flaws and had to interpret my setbacks each time.

 

I think you should learn to interpret your own flaws and process them, learn from them and put things in perspective. You're coming down a little too harsh on yourself. She is seeing through that and interpreting the tension and frustration also and coming to terms with her own disillusionment. I think you both should put things in perspective and lay off the frustrations for awhile. Learn to have fun with each other again and stop with the negative thinking. That friendship with your male friend and your girlfriend has to stop whether he likes it or not. If she doesn't want to do that or doesn't agree with you, you have your answer. That wouldn't be your battle anymore. Have the courage to move on.

I think this is one of the best answers I’ve gotten on here. Thanks for that, I honestly feel a bit more confident now looking at things through that perspective. You and reinventmyself both have given her constructive answers. Perhaps I was a bit to defensive initially. I think I’m going to try to convince her to take me with her during her workouts more often the way we used to. There shouldn’t be any reason to worry about her getting her own membership just because it’s at the same place my friend works. I still believe I can work on myself more to be the man I imagined I can be for her. I appreciate it.

I have been in your position. Horrible feeling, I understand. I read somewhere that the reason we get jealous is to protect ourselves from any possible threat, so we go through all the scenarios to be prepared. That is WAY more exhausting than one of the events actually happening.

 

 

 

What did I do? I started therapy. It really REALLY helps.

I’ve considered that. The only reason I haven’t before was because I thought that I would only get the same answers I’ve heard before from other people. But maybe I should give it a try if only to calm myself down.

I’ve considered that. The only reason I haven’t before was because I thought that I would only get the same answers I’ve heard before from other people. But maybe I should give it a try if only to calm myself down.

It was one of the best decisions I've ever made, I wish I started earlier. It's a rough journey, so be prepared, but it's completely worth it!

another vote for therapy.

best investment I ever made.

Yet another vote.

Started going around your age, have dipped in and out as needed since, with some deep dives that really cleared some cobwebs and shifted some paradigms.