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Thread: I just need reassurance

  1. #11
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    To think that everyone here find this disturbing and would ever possibly hold it against your own significant other that they would hope for a simple favor of kindness in return for your own without making it a big deal simply disgusts me. I know at least that much is unhealthy for a relationship.
    Exchanging passwords as a simple favor of kindness? I've never considered this a standard practice in relationships. Hmmm
    And in wanted to maintain her autonomy, it actually disgusts you?

    - or is it our challenging your thought process disgusting.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Exchanging passwords as a simple favor of kindness? I've never considered this a standard practice in relationships. Hmmm
    And in wanted to maintain her autonomy, it actually disgusts you?

    - or is it our challenging your thought process disgusting.
    Most of the challenges here are what caused me to reel. Even my girlfriend understood what I was doing better than what people seem to have the wrong idea of here. Which to my surprise is allowing me to reevaluate a much better understanding of that particular situation. All in all it was never a problem, just an example to add to the situation I thought would help people understand better. And in my conclusion I know I would never date anyone who would look at an olive branch as poison oak. Otherwise why would I still be with her? If I was anything other than completely transparent, I couldnít have even done what I did. And there is nothing manipulative about that, or hoping your SO would want the same thing for you. Say I retracted my information that I willingly gave her and changed my password because she didnít give me what I wantedóTHATS manipulative, and a clear example of self serving. That someone would not offer themselves without getting anything in return. Does that not make sense? But I offered anyways, and gave without receiving, despite being optimistic that my SO would share my feelings and agree with me. But she didnít share the same view, and as disappointed as I wasówhich in the grand scheme of things, is in fact my own faultóI understood her and could only be happy she at the very least understood me. In my gratitude, I pushed my doubts aside and never asked it from her again. Even thoughóalthough this might sound controllingóI felt at the time I was within my rights to straight up ask to look at her phone due to her unfair recent behavior around me. But I took the time to think about it and knew that would be a far, far worse thing to do and wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. So instead I hoped I could fairly prompt her to give me the opportunity that didnít seem to be occurring to her. Which didnít turn out the way I wanted it to and only increased my doubtsóagain, my own faultóbut I remained fair to her and her desires at the end of the day. I do know what I believe and donít believe in this regard, so I will return the challenge to those who insist on jumping to conclusions. But thatís not why Iím here.

    I suppose Iím not giving some good people the chance to help on here just because of a few other peoples poor deductions of a situation I assumed I explained well enough, so Iíll explain further for the people giving me a chance.

    I am, in fact, largely naive when it comes to relationships. Like I said in my original post, this is the second girlfriend Iíve ever had at age 27. My last girlfriend ended up leaving me for another guy due to me moving out of state, which came entirely out of left field for me. So if that helps put things into perspective, itís probably where my insecurity is coming from. I wouldnít have considered dating so young if it werenít for the fact that she was the first person to express interest in me after a good couple of years. I really just went with it. Iím no so naive not to understand that she is young and still developing a sense of self as well. I just liked the idea of growing with someone, stuck on the depressing thought that I hadnít done enough growing of my own despite my age. But itís because of her youth that I understand that there are a number of risks involved dating that young as well. Which hadnít even bothered me until my friend inadvertently challenged me at the time.

    Maybe I am aiming somewhat low in an objective sense? I donít know, I donít like to think of my girlfriend like that. I really do love and care for her. Iím sure none of these things would bother me if I didnít. But I couldnít imagine doing better either. In the sense of everyone I know being too irritating or irrational to talk to. She and I mesh well when Iím talking about my feelings. I just feel so selfish not talking about hers, it actually depresses me even more. Which in turn is a selfish thing to feel since itís not her fault whatsoever, spiraling into self-destruction not even she can help me with. So between that and the chaos already present in my life I am nothing but grateful to her just for existing. But the truth is Iím coming to realize I either have to mentally as well as physically stand strong on my own or let the whole thing go. And Iím a bit too stubborn to admit I canít do it on my own. Again, my fault.

  3. #13
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    And yeah, I agree that my so-called friend doesnít have my back. Which is another depressing thought because before he went into his own depression he really was a good friend. But at the moment, my problem isnít even with him anymore. Iíve straight up excluded him from the majority of my life. My girlfriend by no means had to do the same thing; at the end of the day I did introduce them. But Iím just so TIRED of acting like it doesnít bother me anymore. More than that, Iím tired of it bothering me in general. I canít break up with my girlfriend over something this minuscule and weak, what does that say about me?? That I HAVE to be a controlling boyfriend just to be comfortable in a relationship? That I shouldnít be dating at all? I want her to be free of my stupid emotional blackmail, Iíve already talked to her about it one too many timesóIím trying to do the opposite of beat her over the head with my insecurities. But deep down inside I know if I was the fool one more time because of this I wouldnít date again until I was in my forties. And Iíve missed out on too much of life and love to be okay with that.

    I mean, the way Iíve been told it would happen is that if someone is going to betray you, theyíre going to betray you and thereís nothing you can do about it. But I donít believe that if it happens I will ever find out. My worst fear? Being betrayed without ever knowing for the rest of my life all while she keeps me in her pocket for as long as she wants. Not that I would ever believe she would be that type. I just have that fear.

    So what would you do in this situation? I donít know if it would be too much to see if I could get her to maybe go to a different gym at least, like maybe the one in my town and start going with me again. Has anyone ever even been in a remotely similar situation as this? I donít even know whatís going on in her head, but thereís no way sheís too young to not have thought it could have bothered me even a little.
    Last edited by JulianAR; 05-16-2019 at 04:03 PM.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What do you mean by "the fool one more time"? A scenario in which her affections flip from you to him and you find yourself in version 2.0 of your last relationship?

    If so, I'd say you need to learn what it is to stand tall and feel confident on your own, rather than needing a relationship to be the thing that reinforces the spine. The more you write the more it seems that your goal in this relationship is to rewrite the story of your last one.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You've moved a baby step forward on acknowledging that a lot of this is your responsibility. That's an improvement.

    Your friend gave you a bad vibe and it happens to be towards your girlfriend. I get it. Whether it's true or not, a lot of us can look back in retrospect in those nagging nudges we ignored that ended up being the truth that hurt us in end.

    So what do you do in the meantime? Live in fear? Keep her on the drive way?

    You are right. Someone will leave if they choose to and all the passwords and conditions in the world is. not. going. to. stop. them.

    If there is a lesson in all of this, it's isn't about trusting her. It's about trusting yourself. You've heard of that self fulfilling prophecy? You grind her enough about this she is likely to leave and possibly for someone else and you can pound your fist on the table and proclaim you were right all along.

    Trust yourself. Trust yourself to know the difference between right and wrong. Trust yourself to make good choices in partners. Trust yourself that you have what it takes to be brave and vulnerable. Trust yourself that you have what it takes to put your faith in another person. Bring your A game to the table and trust that no matter what, you will be ok. . . because people will disappoint you sometimes.

    But forcing all types of conditions onto to someone else, someone who will choose to be with you out of their own free will. .is going about backwards.

    What is it about you that a girl will want to give her heart to? Think about it.

  7. #16
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Trust comes with time (and consistency in truth over time). One year is not very long. This is a very small fraction of a split second, just a bat of an eye, in the long long hours and years of a committed relationship. To put it bluntly, Rome was not built in a day. It won't be built in a day and I think you're asking for too much too soon. After the first few years of our relationship my husband and I were still over this and that and working out other details in our lives, figuring out boundaries and re-establishing what we were comfortable with, making adjustments and doing that give and take that's crucial for any relationship. We still do it and still have to talk now and then about what works and what doesn't, what grinds our gears and what's ok. When two people make a commitment to grow together, it's a more or less constant effort. It's important to put things in perspective and not get too weighed down, stay positive and stay strong. This is why being evenly matched is generally a good idea.

    I don't have anything against big age gaps and your reasoning makes sense since you may feel you both get along better. I'm sorry for judging you harshly or superficially earlier if it came across that way. When I was 23 I was madly in love with a 42 year old. What he ever saw in me is anyone's guess. Maybe he also saw a reflection of youth. I know that eventually my rose-coloured glasses came off and I became very disillusioned. Being young and naive, I thought someone of his stature would represent the best qualities in a human being and that he'd be close to flawless. That idea couldn't have been more flawed. I also learned the hard way that everyone is flawed regardless of age, colour, background or maturity level. I also learned (harshly!) of my own flaws and had to interpret my setbacks each time.

    I think you should learn to interpret your own flaws and process them, learn from them and put things in perspective. You're coming down a little too harsh on yourself. She is seeing through that and interpreting the tension and frustration also and coming to terms with her own disillusionment. I think you both should put things in perspective and lay off the frustrations for awhile. Learn to have fun with each other again and stop with the negative thinking. That friendship with your male friend and your girlfriend has to stop whether he likes it or not. If she doesn't want to do that or doesn't agree with you, you have your answer. That wouldn't be your battle anymore. Have the courage to move on.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    What do you mean by "the fool one more time"? A scenario in which her affections flip from you to him and you find yourself in version 2.0 of your last relationship?

    If so, I'd say you need to learn what it is to stand tall and feel confident on your own, rather than needing a relationship to be the thing that reinforces the spine. The more you write the more it seems that your goal in this relationship is to rewrite the story of your last one.
    Yes, thatís somewhat correct. I felt like a fool when my ex and I hadnít even previously discussed where our relationship was going after my move. But that was years and years ago. So if Iím not doing that, how does one go about doing it? Because overall, Iím just hoping beyond hope it doesnít go down like last time. It seems to be the most common way these pitfalls happen.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    Yes, thatís somewhat correct. I felt like a fool when my ex and I hadnít even previously discussed where our relationship was going after my move. But that was years and years ago. So if Iím not doing that, how does one go about doing it? Because overall, Iím just hoping beyond hope it doesnít go down like last time. It seems to be the most common way these pitfalls happen.
    And it's very thing that is contaminating your current relationship. This is more about your last relationship than the one you have now.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    I have been in your position. Horrible feeling, I understand. I read somewhere that the reason we get jealous is to protect ourselves from any possible threat, so we go through all the scenarios to be prepared. That is WAY more exhausting than one of the events actually happening.



    What did I do? I started therapy. It really REALLY helps.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Trust comes with time (and consistency in truth over time). One year is not very long. This is a very small fraction of a split second, just a bat of an eye, in the long long hours and years of a committed relationship. To put it bluntly, Rome was not built in a day. It won't be built in a day and I think you're asking for too much too soon. After the first few years of our relationship my husband and I were still over this and that and working out other details in our lives, figuring out boundaries and re-establishing what we were comfortable with, making adjustments and doing that give and take that's crucial for any relationship. We still do it and still have to talk now and then about what works and what doesn't, what grinds our gears and what's ok. When two people make a commitment to grow together, it's a more or less constant effort. It's important to put things in perspective and not get too weighed down, stay positive and stay strong. This is why being evenly matched is generally a good idea.

    I don't have anything against big age gaps and your reasoning makes sense since you may feel you both get along better. I'm sorry for judging you harshly or superficially earlier if it came across that way. When I was 23 I was madly in love with a 42 year old. What he ever saw in me is anyone's guess. Maybe he also saw a reflection of youth. I know that eventually my rose-coloured glasses came off and I became very disillusioned. Being young and naive, I thought someone of his stature would represent the best qualities in a human being and that he'd be close to flawless. That idea couldn't have been more flawed. I also learned the hard way that everyone is flawed regardless of age, colour, background or maturity level. I also learned (harshly!) of my own flaws and had to interpret my setbacks each time.

    I think you should learn to interpret your own flaws and process them, learn from them and put things in perspective. You're coming down a little too harsh on yourself. She is seeing through that and interpreting the tension and frustration also and coming to terms with her own disillusionment. I think you both should put things in perspective and lay off the frustrations for awhile. Learn to have fun with each other again and stop with the negative thinking. That friendship with your male friend and your girlfriend has to stop whether he likes it or not. If she doesn't want to do that or doesn't agree with you, you have your answer. That wouldn't be your battle anymore. Have the courage to move on.
    I think this is one of the best answers Iíve gotten on here. Thanks for that, I honestly feel a bit more confident now looking at things through that perspective. You and reinventmyself both have given her constructive answers. Perhaps I was a bit to defensive initially. I think Iím going to try to convince her to take me with her during her workouts more often the way we used to. There shouldnít be any reason to worry about her getting her own membership just because itís at the same place my friend works. I still believe I can work on myself more to be the man I imagined I can be for her. I appreciate it.

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