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Hi, all-

 

So, I am the only child of a single mother but I’m now 40 years old. I’m sure many of you know, but often times a single parent with one child will end up making that child their primary relationship which my mom definitely did while I was growing up. Flash forward to present day. I am a very independent woman with a great job, etc. My mom moved into my house a little over a year ago. We live in one of most expensive areas in the country and her work has been up and down and she basically just makes ends meet. She also belongs to the same community center/gym as I do and we take a couple of the same classes. In one of these classes, I have started to make friends with some of the women. One of them is directing a teacher talent show at her school and a group of us are going to support her. My mom asked if she can go too. Now, here is the thing. I don’t want my mother to be a part of my social life. I’m sorry, but I don’t. She is a part of many other aspects of my life but hell, I have to draw the line somewhere. Do I hurt her feelings and tell her that I want to go to this thing and no she can’t come?

 

Thanks!

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I wouldn't say she can't go. I understand where you're coming from. My worry would be the backlash and guilt you may feel leading up to the day and knowing/having it weigh heavily on you that you didn't let your mum partake in the talent show or festivities. It may seem like a threat right now to your social life but in the long run, she may be an ally and a good friend. I would give her a chance to make friends too. I wouldn't want my mum to be cooped up at home. It would hurt me deeply if I felt she was limited in some way because of me or her happiness was limited. You can always have a conversation with her later if other events or situations come up but I think right now it's best to remain open and welcoming.

 

I would feel the same way as you but I wouldn't have the heart to do that to someone I love. I just couldn't. I'd feel terrible and wouldn't be able to enjoy the talent show.

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Please don't do that to your mother. You can have a talk with her at a calm time where you tell her all the positive things she brings to your life and then also tell her - diplomatically -that you also want to have a separate social life all your own. Tell her that of course she will be welcome at many of the things you do but you hope she understands that sometimes you need to do things on your own, too.

 

Also does she help you out around the house or with errands?

 

Please understand she did the best she could.

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Oh no, don’t get me wrong. My mom is great! She is very helpful and we get along well. I just don’t want to be the 40 year old that is bringing her mom to things. I am newly out of a relationship and trying to make new friends and I would ideally like to do that without my mom involved. I don’t want to hurt her feelings which is why I posted this. I actually bought her a ticket to this thing but I wanted to share my feelings and see how others would feel.

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I don't see how you both can't make your own friends at the same event. There should naturally be other individuals she gravitates towards to and others that you prefer speaking with. I think I'm not fully understanding how small this gathering is or how small/large this group is. What is also stopping you from joining other groups outside of this one? Why feel so limited or allow the size of this group or anything having to do with this group affect your relationship with your mother?

 

I don't feel like you would be judged either for bringing your mum to the event. Are you worried that the other women will look at you or think of you differently? Pardon - I'm really trying to understand better where you're coming from.

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Oh no, don’t get me wrong. My mom is great! She is very helpful and we get along well. I just don’t want to be the 40 year old that is bringing her mom to things. I am newly out of a relationship and trying to make new friends and I would ideally like to do that without my mom involved. I don’t want to hurt her feelings which is why I posted this. I actually bought her a ticket to this thing but I wanted to share my feelings and see how others would feel.

 

I think most people will be far more concerned with themselves than with you or who you bring. Although my 10 year old has his first drop off party Saturday and I told him that after I drop him off I'm going to go workout "so please make sure you have everything and don't call me" and he said "I won't -no parents! it's embarrassing to have them there!!" How old is your mom? I'm 52 and my mom is 84. She's one cool lady.

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I think most people will be far more concerned with themselves than with you or who you bring. Although my 10 year old has his first drop off party Saturday and I told him that after I drop him off I'm going to go workout "so please make sure you have everything and don't call me" and he said "I won't -no parents! it's embarrassing to have them there!!" How old is your mom? I'm 52 and my mom is 84. She's one cool lady.

 

Funny story! As a teacher, I can tell you that your son’s response is hilarious and normal :-) My mom is 64. She is very cool but I guess my point is that with her living with me, etc. I want to have my social life be my own.

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I can totally understand the need for space. We had a mulit( 3 generation home) for 15 years . There is a definite need and requirement for space , including emotional space and the life of one’s own .

 

At the same time this Saturday my best friend and I are driving three hours to spend lunch with my mom . She has never met my mom before . I want them to meet. But for the last nine years I’ve lived three hours away from my mom . So the need to spend time with her is very great . I can see both sides of the coin .

 

My best friend is only 7 years younger than my mom. So they are the same generational context. My mom and I are not even a generation apart. ( we are 20 years apart)

Funny story! As a teacher, I can tell you that your son’s response is hilarious and normal :-) My mom is 64. She is very cool but I guess my point is that with her living with me, etc. I want to have my social life be my own.
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Funny story! As a teacher, I can tell you that your son’s response is hilarious and normal :-) My mom is 64. She is very cool but I guess my point is that with her living with me, etc. I want to have my social life be my own.

 

I get it -just maybe this time have her come and I bet she didn't get to have much of a social life when you were small!

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Don't leave your mom out. If she wants to attend the talent show, let her.

 

Your new friends are the ones who will determine if they want to include your mom in their lives. Keep in mind, the age gap. Not every young person is comfortable including a mom within their regular social circle. Give people the benefit of the doubt. They have boundaries with others including with age differences.

 

Life is really short. You will outlive your mom someday. You will regret not including her while she was still here on this Earth. Remorse is something that will remain with you for a very long time. Someday you could very well be in her mom's shoes and you won't feel appreciated when you are rejected or excluded. Be kind.

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The OP has her mom living with her and is very close to her. I don't think she would need to feel any regret or remorse simply because she chooses and WANTS to have a separate social life. There is nothing unusual or odd about that at all. It's perfectly normal to not want your mother at every social event where you want to make new friends.

 

OP it seems you have a lovely relationship with your mum and already go above and beyond. Do you think she'll understand if you gently explain to her that you want to go to this event by yourself so that you can make friends and have your own thing going on? I would be totally fine with my kids saying that to me.

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Yes, you need a social life separate from your mom. However, going to an event as a group isn't the same as having your friendships and going to hang out with your friends as needed. So yes, you need to draw some lines, it's just that this particular situation would be the wrong line to draw and the wrong battle to fight so to speak. Events, shows, things like that - it would be odd not to include your mom. One on one outing with a friend, absolutely no mom. Girls night out - no mom there either. Do you see the difference?

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The OP has her mom living with her and is very close to her. I don't think she would need to feel any regret or remorse simply because she chooses and WANTS to have a separate social life. There is nothing unusual or odd about that at all. It's perfectly normal to not want your mother at every social event where you want to make new friends.

 

OP it seems you have a lovely relationship with your mum and already go above and beyond. Do you think she'll understand if you gently explain to her that you want to go to this event by yourself so that you can make friends and have your own thing going on? I would be totally fine with my kids saying that to me.

^^ I agree.

 

As a mother of a grown child (we are also very close) I wouldn't be upset if I asked to go to something but she preferred I stood that particular one out. There is diplomatic, kind way for you to relate to your mom that you would prefer she sit this one out too. 'Oh sorry mom, tickets are limited to so many per performer' would be a kind white lie even. I once was excited that her and her friends were going to see the play "Wicked" and I said, "Oh awesome, can I go too?" Her look was enough (and funny enough) that I knew the answer. :D

You do a whole hella lot for your mom as it is so no need whatsoever for you to be feeling guilty if your mom were to miss this.

 

In any event, you say you got her a ticket so I guess you let this one slide but feel confident, not guilty to keep your social life separate from that of yours and your moms.

 

Have a fun night.

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^^ I agree.

 

As a mother of a grown child (we are also very close) I wouldn't be upset if I asked to go to something but she preferred I stood that particular one out. There is diplomatic, kind way for you to relate to your mom that you would prefer she sit this one out too. 'Oh sorry mom, tickets are limited to so many per performer' would be a kind white lie even. I once was excited that her and her friends were going to see the play "Wicked" and I said, "Oh awesome, can I go too?" Her look was enough (and funny enough) that I knew the answer. :D

You do a whole hella lot for your mom as it is so no need whatsoever for you to be feeling guilty if your mom were to miss this.

 

In any event, you say you got her a ticket so I guess you let this one slide but feel confident, not guilty to keep your social life separate from that of yours and your moms.

 

Have a fun night.

 

Thank you all for your amazing responses!! I have read them all and appreciate them. I will have her come this time to the event but I will be sure to draw boundaries socially for myself which I typically do anyway. These friends are just friends that my mom also sees in our gym classes and so I can see that her being included would be fine. Future social events will likely not include my mom. As much as we get along, I do need my personal and social space apart from her, too.

 

Thank you all!

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Soulsister2010, I understand how you feel because there were a few social gatherings where my mother was included and I resented the fact that I couldn't keep my social life private and separate from my mother's life. I too, have boundaries. She's included in SOME social gatherings but not all of them. I deliberately do NOT tell her about my friends, social activities with them, their parents or my private social life because I don't want any crossovers. I don't approve of mixing my mother with my own life outside my relationship with my mother. I suggest that you NOT inform your mother regarding everything you do outside your home with your friends and your friendships despite living together under the same roof. If she won't know, she won't feel excluded. I do this with my mother.

 

The other day I thoroughly enjoyed being with my BFF all day. We met for lunch and walked for many hours after lunch stopping for a few breaks. Even though my mother resides in the same city as my BFF's mother, I don't mention my friendship with my BFF because I don't want both mothers to talk and then when we're all together, there's too much mutual information crossed back 'n forth which is problematic. This is why I never mention my friendships with my mother. She needs to seek her own friendships which is HER responsibility, not mine. I have my own friends and our social life should not intersect. I'll make sure to maintain separate lives regarding friendships.

 

I have a few exceptions such as my mother being included if I'm with my in-laws at large gatherings at restaurants a few times a year or holiday dinners at my sister's house. That's ok. No more than that though. In the past, she would seek my friends' mothers and I was not cool with that because once again, the same information about all of us reaches parents. It's awkward when we're together and everyone knows each others business. That is NOT fine with me. Therefore, I don't mention my social life to my mother. My friendships are very exclusive and private. I don't want any "mutual" anything with my mother.

 

I agree about enforcing healthy boundaries and knowing where to draw the line. I need social space away from my mother. It works out beautifully.

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