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Thread: Interesting dilemma

  1. #11
    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    The OP has her mom living with her and is very close to her. I don't think she would need to feel any regret or remorse simply because she chooses and WANTS to have a separate social life. There is nothing unusual or odd about that at all. It's perfectly normal to not want your mother at every social event where you want to make new friends.

    OP it seems you have a lovely relationship with your mum and already go above and beyond. Do you think she'll understand if you gently explain to her that you want to go to this event by yourself so that you can make friends and have your own thing going on? I would be totally fine with my kids saying that to me.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Yes, you need a social life separate from your mom. However, going to an event as a group isn't the same as having your friendships and going to hang out with your friends as needed. So yes, you need to draw some lines, it's just that this particular situation would be the wrong line to draw and the wrong battle to fight so to speak. Events, shows, things like that - it would be odd not to include your mom. One on one outing with a friend, absolutely no mom. Girls night out - no mom there either. Do you see the difference?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by charity
    The OP has her mom living with her and is very close to her. I don't think she would need to feel any regret or remorse simply because she chooses and WANTS to have a separate social life. There is nothing unusual or odd about that at all. It's perfectly normal to not want your mother at every social event where you want to make new friends.

    OP it seems you have a lovely relationship with your mum and already go above and beyond. Do you think she'll understand if you gently explain to her that you want to go to this event by yourself so that you can make friends and have your own thing going on? I would be totally fine with my kids saying that to me.
    ^^ I agree.

    As a mother of a grown child (we are also very close) I wouldn't be upset if I asked to go to something but she preferred I stood that particular one out. There is diplomatic, kind way for you to relate to your mom that you would prefer she sit this one out too. 'Oh sorry mom, tickets are limited to so many per performer' would be a kind white lie even. I once was excited that her and her friends were going to see the play "Wicked" and I said, "Oh awesome, can I go too?" Her look was enough (and funny enough) that I knew the answer.
    You do a whole hella lot for your mom as it is so no need whatsoever for you to be feeling guilty if your mom were to miss this.

    In any event, you say you got her a ticket so I guess you let this one slide but feel confident, not guilty to keep your social life separate from that of yours and your moms.

    Have a fun night.

  4. #14
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    ^^ I agree.

    As a mother of a grown child (we are also very close) I wouldn't be upset if I asked to go to something but she preferred I stood that particular one out. There is diplomatic, kind way for you to relate to your mom that you would prefer she sit this one out too. 'Oh sorry mom, tickets are limited to so many per performer' would be a kind white lie even. I once was excited that her and her friends were going to see the play "Wicked" and I said, "Oh awesome, can I go too?" Her look was enough (and funny enough) that I knew the answer.
    You do a whole hella lot for your mom as it is so no need whatsoever for you to be feeling guilty if your mom were to miss this.

    In any event, you say you got her a ticket so I guess you let this one slide but feel confident, not guilty to keep your social life separate from that of yours and your moms.

    Have a fun night.
    Thank you all for your amazing responses!! I have read them all and appreciate them. I will have her come this time to the event but I will be sure to draw boundaries socially for myself which I typically do anyway. These friends are just friends that my mom also sees in our gym classes and so I can see that her being included would be fine. Future social events will likely not include my mom. As much as we get along, I do need my personal and social space apart from her, too.

    Thank you all!

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Soulsister2010, I understand how you feel because there were a few social gatherings where my mother was included and I resented the fact that I couldn't keep my social life private and separate from my mother's life. I too, have boundaries. She's included in SOME social gatherings but not all of them. I deliberately do NOT tell her about my friends, social activities with them, their parents or my private social life because I don't want any crossovers. I don't approve of mixing my mother with my own life outside my relationship with my mother. I suggest that you NOT inform your mother regarding everything you do outside your home with your friends and your friendships despite living together under the same roof. If she won't know, she won't feel excluded. I do this with my mother.

    The other day I thoroughly enjoyed being with my BFF all day. We met for lunch and walked for many hours after lunch stopping for a few breaks. Even though my mother resides in the same city as my BFF's mother, I don't mention my friendship with my BFF because I don't want both mothers to talk and then when we're all together, there's too much mutual information crossed back 'n forth which is problematic. This is why I never mention my friendships with my mother. She needs to seek her own friendships which is HER responsibility, not mine. I have my own friends and our social life should not intersect. I'll make sure to maintain separate lives regarding friendships.

    I have a few exceptions such as my mother being included if I'm with my in-laws at large gatherings at restaurants a few times a year or holiday dinners at my sister's house. That's ok. No more than that though. In the past, she would seek my friends' mothers and I was not cool with that because once again, the same information about all of us reaches parents. It's awkward when we're together and everyone knows each others business. That is NOT fine with me. Therefore, I don't mention my social life to my mother. My friendships are very exclusive and private. I don't want any "mutual" anything with my mother.

    I agree about enforcing healthy boundaries and knowing where to draw the line. I need social space away from my mother. It works out beautifully.

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