Ex being extremely cold

Hey all,

I'm writing so as to get some advice. I'll try to make this as short as possible.

I met my "ex" (we didn't get to call ourselves bf/gf) about two years ago. We work together and it took us a while to hook up. She was in a relationship were she was being heavily manipulated and it took her a long while and a lot of therapy to finally get herself rid from her ex. Once this relationship was over, we started going out. We dated for around 6 months and everything was going perfect.

Out of the blue, she told me she wanted to talk with me and explained that she liked everything about me but that she felt that after her previous relationship she didn't have time for herself. We discussed about what the best course of action could be, she mentioned she was not feeling right to be in a relationship with me but she wasn't sure that she wanted to break up either. I offered her to take some time apart but she didn't feel that was right since she would feel guilty if she felt I was waiting for her to give me some kind of feedback, as she wasn't exactly sure about how she was feeling. I suggested we break up and that was it. It was amicable and I went straight into LC (meaning I'll only talk work with her or discuss whatever topic is at hand whenever we have lunch with the team; we do have lunch together every weekday).

After the break up I was devastated but pulled the little energy I had to make it seem in our lunches as if I was OK. The first few weeks she'd try to fight with me about anything and I would just divert the talking to anything else to avoid confrontation. When we broke up, she did mention I was no regular guy and that said she was doing everything so as to take care of the relationship we had; she didn't want to ruin it because of her doubts. Her attitude these first two weeks was very contradictory.

Moving forward, the relationship got better and she stopped trying to pick fights with me. At around the 4th week mark, I called her and just asked how she was feeling about the whole break up thing and did mention that it had been a rough time for me as she had given me no clear reason to break up in first place. I did ask her to break my heart if she had to and be honest, be it she didn't like me anymore, had no more feelings or anything. She denied everything and mentioned that she did have feelings for me, she did like me and would have a great time with me, but that she felt that we were ready to be bf/gf and she was not yet ready for that, as her previous experience had been too rough and was just not ready to start a new relationship. I said it was OK and thanked her for the time to talk, went straight back to the same LC I previously mentioned.

That was 2 weeks ago. Everything went on fine and I've started to feel better myself, I think it might actually be showing since I'm in a better mood generally speaking and doing fine. However, what's killing me right now is that for the past 3 days she's been trying really hard to avoid me. Not just that, she's trying to make me notice that she's avoiding me. We'll be in meeting rooms where there's just 3 of us and she will just rotate her chair and make me face her back. She is now trying to contradict what I say again and it's becoming a pain.

I'm trying to keep everything as professional as possible as that's the right thing to do. While I'm focused in moving on, this is also a relationship I don't want to completely discard and make moves that might push her far away.

I'm not exactly sure how to proceed. Shall I ignore her bad attitude as I'm doing and show indifference? Shall I confront her about it? Why might she be behaving in this way towards me?

Just in case you even think about it, I did not beg, cry, became needy or anything. I've learnt this from my past relationship and refrained from doing anything of the sort even though my brain wanted me to do so.

I think you have done, and are doing, all the things an adult should do in this situation. She, on the other hand, appears to be acting very childish; not knowing what she wants, not wanting to make a decision, disagreeing with whatever you say, turning her back toward you in her chair (really? did you make sure she had her blankie and bottle too?)

You're doing everything right - but you can't control her actions. She did tell you, at least twice, that she wasn't in the headspace for a relationship. So, you need to give her space and let her do her own thing. Stop guessing what she's thinking, because it doesn't matter right now. Continue working on yourself - your life won't stop just because you and she are no longer a couple.

There is nothing for you to do at this time other than to move on.

The fact that you are still asking questions on how to manage or change the situation shows that you are still very much attached to her.

She knows it and she is trying to show in different ways that she is done. Her turning her back to you is blocking you.

Everything in her behavior and words means she's done.

Unfortunately she used as a security blanket while she healed from her last relationship. She so much as admitted it.

I am sorry. You seem like a nice guy, but she's done.

I think you have done, and are doing, all the things an adult should do in this situation. She, on the other hand, appears to be acting very childish; not knowing what she wants, not wanting to make a decision, disagreeing with whatever you say, turning her back toward you in her chair (really? did you make sure she had her blankie and bottle too?)

My doubt here, shall I confront her about her childish/unprofessional attitude or just act indifferent until this madness ceases? This is making it hard on my and tbh, I'm not starting any conversation or anything with her. She's just behaving like this in any situation we are forced to interact (and not because I want to, but I have to, due to work).

My doubt here, shall I confront her about her childish/unprofessional attitude or just act indifferent until this madness ceases? This is making it hard on my and tbh, I'm not starting any conversation or anything with her. She's just behaving like this in any situation we are forced to interact (and not because I want to, but I have to, due to work).

No... do not confront her... as the other posters said - let this go. Just treat her as you would anyone else at work; smile, be polite, say hello. It will all pass. You need to let it go, even if she changes her mind. Move on young man!

She may be going through any number of emotions mixed in there or there may be other issues having nothing to do with your prior history together. She may also be ready to move on with her life and just doesn't want to keep explaining herself. Some people don't do well having to constantly explain themselves to others (lack of patience). Even though it seems like bad behaviour or rudeness, she may be doing you a favour because it seems like this is still fresh and you're giving off the impression that you aren't accepting it's over because of what appears to be...flimsy reasons she's given.

I don't think you should have called her at all to ask her how she was taking the break up. She may be discouraging any other phone calls or friendly approaches from you. Without her being a mindreader, there's really no way for her to know how you truly feel and in the best circumstances (where she is actually considerate and trying her best to be professional), she is doing her best not to give you any sign that she's interested in engaging with you in any way. This includes random phone calls, smiles across a room or idle chatter/mindless banter in the office. I agree with the others that you can't control her actions. Just take it for what it is: leave room for considering her behaviour an actual silver lining and appreciate that she's giving you a wide berth.

Now that you know she's has other issues to work out and the magnitude of those issues and the effects they have on her personally and professionally, I hope you've learned your lesson about dating someone who hasn't yet fully recovered from a break up or an unhealthy relationship. You owe it to yourself to learn from those lessons and sort of re-calibrate your MO. Don't feel too down. You've got a lot ahead of you. Stay professional and let the dust settle. This will pass.

Since you work together, remain cordial, polite, well mannered, kind yet distant and professional.

Don't ignore nor confront her. Remain natural. Show class, honorable behavior and be sincerely nice. Be nice without acting weird. Treat her as you would any other colleague.

If she avoids you, again, remain natural yet don't approach her because obviously she's uncomfortable. Be a good guy and give her lots of time and space and most likely permanently.

Do the right thing and treat her with respect. It's all you can do while both of you move on.

There is nothing you can do. I'm sure it is really uncomfortable. She is acting like a fool.

In the future, do not get involved with someone directly out of a relationship, especially an abisive one. Also, not a good idea to get involved with coworkers.

There is nothing for you to do at this time other than to move on.

The fact that you are still asking questions on how to manage or change the situation shows that you are still very much attached to her.

 

She knows it and she is trying to show in different ways that she is done. Her turning her back to you is blocking you.

Everything in her behavior and words means she's done.

 

Unfortunately she used as a security blanket while she healed from her last relationship. She so much as admitted it.

I am sorry. You seem like a nice guy, but she's done.

There is nothing you can do. I'm sure it is really uncomfortable. She is acting like a fool.

 

In the future, do not get involved with someone directly out of a relationship, especially an abisive one. Also, not a good idea to get involved with coworkers.

I agree with these two.

Infact i almost thought I was reading a different post because you did a ton wrong, a TON, and if you don’t stop you’re going to keep hurting yourself.

You were a rebound, no ifs no buts no coconuts.The crazy thing is you got the courtesy many rebounds do not get and knew full well she just gotten out of a relationship so I mean no disrespect but you kinda played yourself.

And afterwards instead of bowing out you stay in her radar and call her to tell her you’re hurting.... nooooooooooo.

Now you want to confront her for acting rude?!?! How is she to blame for you allowing yourself to be her buffer while she got on solid ground after a break up? Is she wrong for doing it? Absolutely but you did and are continuing to work against your best interest. You are responsible for your emotional wellbeing, eventually you have to choose to stop the bleeding.

Walk away.

Do not cross go do not collect 200$ chalk this one as an L and a learning lesson.

Walk away.

It sucks cause you’re coworkers but again lesson learned

I say this as someone who was in your shoes...and did the wrong thing...x10000. lol...

STOP thinking about her...and do NOT under any circumstances contact her. Respect her boundaries. She is not healthy for you. You fell for her, got burned, and now have to re-assemble yourself from that attachment.

You will only regret reaching out to her if you do. It will make you appear weak, and sooner or later, you WILL regret that weakness. It might seem like you're fighting for love or showing her you care, but in the end...she didn't want you. Respect that. Respect yourself.

Work on yourself...don't forget your mistakes...and she'll look back one day and regret things. Book it.

I agree with the advice above, but I disagree with those somehow suggesting that you’re at fault for getting involved or for your feelings for her. At times, I’ve gotten immediately out of relationships and been able to very much attach in the next relationship that occurred very soon after; other times, it is impossible to do so because you realize you need to process the end of the relationship.

In relationships, there are no “rules” that always hold true. Each one is different because the people involved and the situations are unique. Unfortunately, you couldn’t know this was going to happen until it happened. I personally believe it’s better to be open to love and connection, instead of being jaded and making blanket assumptions about how a relationship will “succeed” before it even begins based on what other people tell you are the “rules.”

I also don’t think the label “rebound” relationship tells you anything useful at all. People can suddenly realize that they’re not in the emotional space to be in any sort of relationship even after being in that relationship for years. I don’t think it’s helpful to overanalyze or label it - unfortunately, due to no fault of your own, and issues that are entirely hers to deal with, she is not in the emotional place to be in a relationship with you.

What you’re doing is the only right way to handle it - give her space, don’t remind her of the relationship in any way. She clearly can’t handle the responsibility or pressure of being emotionally connected with another person at the moment. She likely feels that every interaction you have with her is you seeking something from her (acknowledgment or a relationship) and that causes her pressure and anxiety she cannot handle. Absolutely do not confront her again - that will push her away and confirm (in her mind, not necessarily in reality) that you want something from her. Just try to stay as pleasant and normal with her as possible (as if she was any other coworker with whom you do not have a romantic history). If you are still too emotionally attached to do that, you should try to avoid her as much as possible. 
 

Even if you hope for reconciliation, (1) there’s nothing you can do about it now, (2) she has specifically told you that it’s something that can’t happen in the present (and likely the near term future). This is easier said than done, but that means it’s out of your control and you shouldn’t worry about it. Live in the present knowing that (in the present) it’s not something that can happen. But also don’t worry until something new happens that’s worth worrying about. 
 

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it’s uniquely painful because it feels so confusing that an otherwise compatible, promising relationship doesn’t work.