Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 14

Thread: How do you focus on yourself in a relationship?

  1. #1
    Member hpinky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    107
    Gender
    Female

    How do you focus on yourself in a relationship?

    Hello,

    I do want to start by saying that I have been seeing a therapist for several months now to deal with my insecurity issues and inability for self love. I have been in a relationship with a really mentally healthy guy for 6 months now. Iím having a really hard time. I donít express my wants, mainly because my wants are to see him every day and to have his attention all the time. So I become anxious and overwhelmed then I lash out and blow up. I become pushy and it pushes him away. Itís so easy to logically see that this is not normal behavior. That this behavior will definitely push anyone away. I know I need to take time to heal myself and to focus on myself. I need to learn to love myself. But itís so hard. How do you find something that excites you when the relationship is the only thing that excites you? How do you distract yourself when your mind just goes straight back to the relationship? All the talks with the therapist but I canít seem to do well. None of this is keeping me from sabotaging relationships. Every single romantic relationship I go in, I become too attached and lose myself entirely. How do you stop this? Iíve watch YouTube videos on self love, relationships, how to detach. Nothing is helping. I donít want to be medicated. I just donít know what to do. I know this guy loves me. He cares so much and does all these things for me. Heís not a very vocally affirming person. He does it sometimes. But I would want to hear affirmations every sing hour, every single day. If I donít get reassurance I start thinking he doesnít care or love me. Which I know, logically, thatís not true. I am partially seeking advice, or seeing if there are others who feel like this too, and to also just get this out there. Thank you for reading this.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    19,719
    Do you have any friends or social life outside of this guy?

    Why won't you get on meds?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,622
    Gender
    Female
    You just have to practice redirecting your thoughts while at the same time taking on new activities, hobbies and friends in order to cultivate a life separate from your boyfriend.

    You would likely be more successful at this challenge outside of relationship instead of trying to navigate while still being in one.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    905
    Gender
    Female
    This sounds very painful. You'll have to break that cycle and I agree with the process of redirecting your thoughts and engaging in other fulfilling activities. You'll also have to be creative because learning to engage yourself in other interests and hobbies does not require a lot of money and if you don't have a vehicle, you can still get around with public transit. It's the determination and willingness to balance yourself better that you're going to have to work on. This is not a good place at all and I'm sorry you're going through this. No one can do it for you and, yes, I'm afraid it may become difficult for you to maintain friendships and relationships this way.

    "Self-love", if you want to call it that, is only as effective as you make it out to be: what your techniques and habits are. If you have bad habits and tend to be stagnant (listless or bored), your mind will follow suit. Negative thought patterns develop when your mind is not engaged in healthy interests that serve to grow you and encourage positive growth. Positive growth forward will compound over time and create healthy self-image. Body and mind go together. Try and figure out why you're stuck in this place or stagnant. I hope you feel better soon.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member hpinky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    107
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Do you have any friends or social life outside of this guy?

    Why won't you get on meds?
    Hi Hollyj,

    Thank you for responding. My therapist can't prescribe medication. He hasn't made any suggestions towards that either. I also don't know if I should get medicated or if this is something I can over come.

    I've recently moved cross country and have only made one friend here. I've been here for a year. It's hard for me to open up and be friends. I do have coworkers but that's just that.

  7. #6
    Member hpinky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    107
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    You just have to practice redirecting your thoughts while at the same time taking on new activities, hobbies and friends in order to cultivate a life separate from your boyfriend.

    You would likely be more successful at this challenge outside of relationship instead of trying to navigate while still being in one.
    I have been trying to do that. Some days are definitely easier than other days. I wish I can stop my mind from spiraling in negative thoughts. I over think and over analyze to the point where I have no trust in my own judgement anymore because I don't know what is a normal reaction and what is my reaction because I feel so awful.

  8. #7
    Member hpinky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    107
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    This sounds very painful. You'll have to break that cycle and I agree with the process of redirecting your thoughts and engaging in other fulfilling activities. You'll also have to be creative because learning to engage yourself in other interests and hobbies does not require a lot of money and if you don't have a vehicle, you can still get around with public transit. It's the determination and willingness to balance yourself better that you're going to have to work on. This is not a good place at all and I'm sorry you're going through this. No one can do it for you and, yes, I'm afraid it may become difficult for you to maintain friendships and relationships this way.

    "Self-love", if you want to call it that, is only as effective as you make it out to be: what your techniques and habits are. If you have bad habits and tend to be stagnant (listless or bored), your mind will follow suit. Negative thought patterns develop when your mind is not engaged in healthy interests that serve to grow you and encourage positive growth. Positive growth forward will compound over time and create healthy self-image. Body and mind go together. Try and figure out why you're stuck in this place or stagnant. I hope you feel better soon.
    Thank you so much for your answer. It's really encouraging and I really appreciate it.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    49,342
    I think you're thinking about this in from the wrong perspective. You're not "losing yourself" - you're simply acting in a self absorbed, and sometimes selfish, way towards the person you are dating. You are not excited about him as a person - you're excited about having this kind of attention and "love" from this person. You're focused on that -not him as a person. Because if you were focused on him as a person the last thing you would want to do is crowd him or be clingy -you would care about him as a person and when we care about someone as a person we want to do things and act and react in a way that is in their best interests (and that of course doesn't hurt ourselves) -even if that means giving space.

    For example I felt quite needy last weekend -I was solo parenting, had an emergency tooth extraction, my child's tadpole died and I had a ton of work. And I was a little annoyed that my husband was thousands of miles away for a business trip and not having to deal with home stuff. So had I been selfish I would have wanted his attention and wanted him to know how crappy things were. But because I love him and care about him as a person I made the choice not to react to my neediness by texting or calling him. Yes, he checked in on me to see how I was feeling, yes, he took over as soon as he got home - but despite feeling needy I chose to give him the space to do the work he needed to do and meet with the people he needed to meet with.

    So I think you're plenty focused on yourself. In fact ,too much. You need more self-confidence of course (you're calling it love - I see it more as inner strength and faith) and you need go to methods for how to make choices that are not self-absorbed or selfish. Here are some things I do when I'm feeling needy but want to be a good friend or spouse and not be a burden - I exercise, I drink even more water (yes it's relaxing and distracting), I focus on what I think this other person I care about most needs right now - and if I do contact the person it's not for reassurance and it's not to talk about "me".

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,622
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by hpinky
    Hi Hollyj,

    Thank you for responding. My therapist can't prescribe medication. He hasn't made any suggestions towards that either. I also don't know if I should get medicated or if this is something I can over come.

    I've recently moved cross country and have only made one friend here. I've been here for a year. It's hard for me to open up and be friends. I do have coworkers but that's just that.
    Therapists often work along side of psychologists for this very reason, so they can refer you if they decide that medication would benefit you. That and working along with your physician as well.
    I am not advocating you go on med's. I am just chiming in because if it would be helpful, there is a way.
    Has this option even been discussed?

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Location
    Denver
    Posts
    36
    Gender
    Male
    For starters, join a couple meetups, get a few hobbies, and volunteer someone on a regular basis.

    I would say for extreme circumstances, force yourself to only see him couple times a week, and be okay with that. Trust that you are amazing, and it won't damage the relationship.

    That said - we're all different.

    Some people NEED to be with their partner almost every day. Some don't want to see their partner very often.

    Personally, I'm in the 2 - 3 times a week...but no structure. Sometimes more, sometimes less...just depends on what fun things come up, or if you feel like snuggling on a whim.

    It does sound like you're pretty suffocating though...needing affirmations all the time and such. That isn't good for either of you, and will eventually choke up right out of your life.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •