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Thread: How do you focus on yourself in a relationship?

  1. #11
    Bronze Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    How is your physical health? I've noticed that I was clingy and needy when I didn't take care of myself. Try working out regularly and focus on that. It's time consuming in a healthy way and you'll become a positive, less needy and clingy person. When you exercise regularly, you carve out time for yourself and you'll feel more independent minded which is healthy both mentally and physically as well as improving your relationships with others.

    You need to change your lifestyle so you have less time for others including your boyfriend. Having too much time, energy and focus for another person is unhealthy for everyone. Become an individual person instead of thinking that you need another person in order to feel whole and complete. Exercise will change the way you think and helps you think with a clear head. Consistent, diligent exercise makes you a happier person. Combine that with a smart diet and you'll become mentally more self confident about yourself which means you'll like yourself a whole lot better. You will have more spring in your step when it comes to life and relationships.

  2. #12
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    It sounds like you suffer from extreme anxiety, which gets triggered when in a relationship.

    Somehow you need to manage this anxiety, calm your out-of-control thoughts (and actions?), which will take the focus off him and back on yourself.

    Remember, a relationship should "enhance" your already fulfilling life, not "be" your life.

    Exercise helps a lot! Better than meds even. It increases seratonin and endorphin levels in your brain which have been proven to calm you and elevate your mood. Yoga has been proven to have the same effect which is what I do mostly. Or go for a run w my pup.

    Anyway, once that happens, you will want to get out with friends, perhaps do some sort of volunteer work, take a class, socialize, etc versus sitting at home over-thinking and stressing about your relationship!

    Something to consider?
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-15-2019 at 04:57 PM.

  3. #13
    Member hpinky's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I think you're thinking about this in from the wrong perspective. You're not "losing yourself" - you're simply acting in a self absorbed, and sometimes selfish, way towards the person you are dating. You are not excited about him as a person - you're excited about having this kind of attention and "love" from this person. You're focused on that -not him as a person. Because if you were focused on him as a person the last thing you would want to do is crowd him or be clingy -you would care about him as a person and when we care about someone as a person we want to do things and act and react in a way that is in their best interests (and that of course doesn't hurt ourselves) -even if that means giving space.

    For example I felt quite needy last weekend -I was solo parenting, had an emergency tooth extraction, my child's tadpole died and I had a ton of work. And I was a little annoyed that my husband was thousands of miles away for a business trip and not having to deal with home stuff. So had I been selfish I would have wanted his attention and wanted him to know how crappy things were. But because I love him and care about him as a person I made the choice not to react to my neediness by texting or calling him. Yes, he checked in on me to see how I was feeling, yes, he took over as soon as he got home - but despite feeling needy I chose to give him the space to do the work he needed to do and meet with the people he needed to meet with.

    So I think you're plenty focused on yourself. In fact ,too much. You need more self-confidence of course (you're calling it love - I see it more as inner strength and faith) and you need go to methods for how to make choices that are not self-absorbed or selfish. Here are some things I do when I'm feeling needy but want to be a good friend or spouse and not be a burden - I exercise, I drink even more water (yes it's relaxing and distracting), I focus on what I think this other person I care about most needs right now - and if I do contact the person it's not for reassurance and it's not to talk about "me".
    I actually do really agree with you. When I remove emotions and think logically I see my own selfishness. The issue is, my feelings of neediness is very difficult to suppress. When I suppress them, I start to become very anxious and end up lashing out. But I am glad that you called it like it is. It is a selfishness as I am not thinking of his needs, but my very own, but I do obsess myself with thoughts of him constantly. These thoughts are not wondering how he is or wondering how is day is. They are more selfish where I wonder is he thinking of me, does he miss me, etc. When I don't get the reassurance I end up just thinking things like he must not really care. I struggle every day fighting these thoughts. It becomes very exhausting to have to constantly fight myself and tell myself to stop thinking these things. But I do appreciate your advice on trying to focus on what they need.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by hpinky
    I actually do really agree with you. When I remove emotions and think logically I see my own selfishness. The issue is, my feelings of neediness is very difficult to suppress. When I suppress them, I start to become very anxious and end up lashing out. But I am glad that you called it like it is. It is a selfishness as I am not thinking of his needs, but my very own, but I do obsess myself with thoughts of him constantly. These thoughts are not wondering how he is or wondering how is day is. They are more selfish where I wonder is he thinking of me, does he miss me, etc. When I don't get the reassurance I end up just thinking things like he must not really care. I struggle every day fighting these thoughts. It becomes very exhausting to have to constantly fight myself and tell myself to stop thinking these things. But I do appreciate your advice on trying to focus on what they need.
    I never said it was easy to make a different choice. It's not. Do not suppress any feelings. Ever. Just choose a different reaction -very hard to do but essential. Your feelings are your feelings. But you can control your reactions. Let your feelings exist, be, even if they exist on the periphery- acknowledge them and then you choose not to lash out. Maybe instead you do 4-7-8 breathing or go for a brisk walk. It's a little less of a struggle once you get into the habit of choosing a different reaction. As a parent I have to do that every single day because I love my child and I don't want him to experience my stress or frustration. So I am not fake with him, I simply work on myself to calm myself down, as Cherlyn wrote above I do my very best to attend to my physical health -sleep, exercise, eating properly - and therefore I don't take out my stress on him by yelling -do I ever yell? Of course, we're human - but these practices -minimize that from occurring because you acknowledge your feelings and choose a different reaction.

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