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Thread: Really upset, just need to vent

  1. #1
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    Really upset, just need to vent

    First off, I am a woman whos bisexual but leaning more towards lesbian.

    A year ago, I DM’d this girl (let’s call her L) on Instagram that I found who I thought was really attractive. To my surprise, she messaged back. My timing was bad because she was leaving the country for 5 months for field work but when she came back in November, I messaged her again and we non-exclusively dated for about 3 months.

    Things ended in February because L was 80% sure she was going to have to move in June since her advisor in her phD program was probably taking up another job at a different university. She said she doesn’t do long distance relationships and didn’t want to continue whatever we were doing Incase someone got hurt in the end.

    This girl was the first person I really really liked in a long time since my last long term relationship so I was extremely upset when this happened but understood the situation.

    I’ve been dating a couple people through bumble/tinder and have been having fun. Recently hooked up with a girl twice, we have good chemistry, she was really enthusiastic in the beginning and about 2 weeks later (now) she’s dropped off the face of the earth and has pretty much ghosted me. To top it all off, I found out that L is on bumble... she must have JUST redownloaded it like last night since I have been active on there for a while. So this has me thinking she just didn’t want to date ME but is ok with dating other people now that the semester is over and she probably has more time.

    I don’t know if she’s still moving but it has me wondering why she would download the app a month before she said (or she though) she would have to move. She doesn’t do “casual” relationships which is what she told me, (we were more than casual but we were not exclusive) but maybe those were just words she said to soften the blow.

    Anyway I’m extremely upset right now, everything just seems to be going wrong and I just needed to vent.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by jackie103
    First off, I am a woman whos bisexual but leaning more towards lesbian.

    A year ago, I DM’d this girl (let’s call her L) on Instagram that I found who I thought was really attractive. To my surprise, she messaged back. My timing was bad because she was leaving the country for 5 months for field work but when she came back in November, I messaged her again and we non-exclusively dated for about 3 months.

    Things ended in February because L was 80% sure she was going to have to move in June since her advisor in her phD program was probably taking up another job at a different university. She said she doesn’t do long distance relationships and didn’t want to continue whatever we were doing Incase someone got hurt in the end.

    This girl was the first person I really really liked in a long time since my last long term relationship so I was extremely upset when this happened but understood the situation.

    I’ve been dating a couple people through bumble/tinder and have been having fun. Recently hooked up with a girl twice, we have good chemistry, she was really enthusiastic in the beginning and about 2 weeks later (now) she’s dropped off the face of the earth and has pretty much ghosted me. To top it all off, I found out that L is on bumble... she must have JUST redownloaded it like last night since I have been active on there for a while. So this has me thinking she just didn’t want to date ME but is ok with dating other people now that the semester is over and she probably has more time.

    I don’t know if she’s still moving but it has me wondering why she would download the app a month before she said (or she though) she would have to move. She doesn’t do “casual” relationships which is what she told me, (we were more than casual but we were not exclusive) but maybe those were just words she said to soften the blow.

    Anyway I’m extremely upset right now, everything just seems to be going wrong and I just needed to vent.
    Perhaps she's feeling out the dating scene at the location where's she's moving to? Sorry, I don't know exactly how Bumble works.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    People use dating apps to meet new people in general. Often many are out of relationships or have stopped seeing someone and aren't really 100% there in the first place (mentally/emotionally). The app/tool is used as a way to just meet new people. Whether this is ethically right or wrong is anyone's judgment and it's up to the people screening on these apps for dates to date with caution.

    It's always a little unnerving when we see an ex or someone we have freshly broken up with on the mend and trying to move on. It can be very hurtful but it's up to you what you choose to do with that pain/hurt and whether you want to interpret it in a healthy way or in a way that interferes with your own moving on. In other words, you should be looking at ways to move forward no matter how much your mind might wander back to your ex. It's about reprogramming and training yourself all over again to live without that person for your own health and mental wellbeing. You can either look on the bright side (you are now free to date someone who is more rooted in this locale and your time is freed) or you can choose to be stuck in that cycle of pain and bitterness.

    It's fine to wonder but I wouldn't encourage going further than that (ie. dwelling on it or fixating on what your ex is doing or what her intentions are). Pardon - I think your relationship with her was casual so I don't know why she would say she doesn't do casual relationships. She may have a different standard or you both didn't know each other enough to establish what that meant to either of you. From the sounds of it, your relationship was non-exclusive (2nd paragraph, last sentence). In my mind, I read this as a casual dating relationship where either of you are free to meet others whether one wants to more than the other or not. I'm sorry that this label, the way it was used, has caused confusion for you. I don't think it was used correctly but that's just my opinion.

    Regarding what the break up meant: I think you're right. She doesn't want to date you and possibly saw things getting a bit too involved with you (too many emotions involved) for what could potentially come up in the future - moving. Resist the urge to take it personally or as if she dislikes you as a person. I think she has her reasons and if she doesn't want to be with you, that should be respected too. Don't worry about coming across as upset. I would be too. Vent away. I hope you feel better soon.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry you're feeling this way.

    It sounds like you could use a little more time to process the relationship, so you're not so focused on her as you move forward or using dating others as a way of measuring your healing or even as a mode of healing. The hookup turned cold, for instance? Well, that's just dating. Happens. People don't really owe us anything after a date or four, and from your last thread you were pretty ambivalent about her, pretty vague in your intentions, so it sounds like what you're really upset by isn't that she "pretty much ghosted me" but that you're no longer "in the lead" in the completion to "win the breakup." A lot of ego here posing as the heart, in short.

    Breakups aren't competitions. They're just breakups. They suck and they hurt, for a while, and then they don't. They all come down to the same exact story: two people who weren't quite compatible and stopped working. You're not the one for her, she's not the one for you—that's that, you know? Once you just accept those facts, everything else is periphery. What people say during them, what people do after them—doesn't really matter.

    Always sucks to see an ex on a dating site, of course. But, then again, you're making those very rounds yourself without even quite knowing why or what you want. It's human. You're a human, she's a human. Most people who "don't do casual" have ended up doing casual here and there—and, truth is, you don't know if she's on there doing casual. Maybe she's just mindlessly swiping. Maybe she wouldn't mind a little hookup before leaving town. Maybe she's open to something serious. Maybe...the options are pretty endless, and utterly pointless to obsess about. She's just a person living her life, figuring herself out, no different than you. Focus on yourself—that's where the power is.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Always sucks to see an ex on a dating site, of course. But, then again, you're making those very rounds yourself without even quite knowing why or what you want. It's human
    This. Don't hold her to a higher standard than you hold yourself. I don't "do" casual generally speaking but when I was single I liked going on dates... it was a good distraction. The other piece of this is that she can do whatever she likes now that she is single and it really isn't any of your biz at the end of the day.

  7. #6
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    Yeah it is none of my business and I know I need to just let it go and get over it. I shouldn’t have swiped right on her but I did. Got a notification that I got a match and when I went to the app, no new matches. She must’ve swiped right then unmatched when we matched.

    I know it was her because it’s been a while since I had swiped right on anyone (dating pool for girl and girl is very small in my area)

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It could be that she felt if she continued to see you that you two would become more attached than you already were. She ended it due to her move, she'll casually date and meet new people in the meantime.

  9. #8
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    Really upset, just need to vent

    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    It could be that she felt if she continued to see you that you two would become more attached than you already were. She ended it due to her move, she'll casually date and meet new people in the meantime.
    Perhaps. I was definitely more attached than she was, seeing that I’m clearly still not over her. And she definitely knew this too, which is probably why she ended things. She had mentioned that she would be “down to hang out platonically before she left” when she said we shouldn’t see each other romantically anymore, which makes me think that she wasn’t all that attached to me to begin with.

    Anyway I told her that that wouldn’t be a good idea and it was left at that.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jackie103
    Perhaps. I was definitely more attached than she was, seeing that I’m clearly still not over her. And she definitely knew this too, which is probably why she ended things. She had mentioned that she would be “down to hang out platonically before she left” when she said we shouldn’t see each other romantically anymore, which makes me think that she wasn’t all that attached to me to begin with.

    Anyway I told her that that wouldn’t be a good idea and it was left at that.
    Then walk the walk youre talking. Leave it at that.

    Her reasons...you will never truly know, but what you do know is she made the choice to stop seeing you, so theres nothing else to do unfortunately


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