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Thread: Just realized something

  1. #1
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    Just realized something

    I'm 20 f and have finally come to the realization that all men can be scary. My entire life, ladies have told me that I shouldn't trust any man but my father, and I thought they were crazy. I have my guy friends, I have my family members, they wouldn't intentionally harm me...right? Two years ago, I was molested by a male family member of mine that I had trusted and opened myself up to. Even after that, I tried to pretend it didn't happen just to save face but I was just hiding the pain from the world. The other night, I blacked out and my male best friend that I trusted to take care of me (who I have had physical relations with but only while sober really) showed me that though we are friends, I am still a girl who can be seen as a sexual object. I have always had this fear in me that all men that interact with me just want something sexual to gain out of it and yesterday, someone jokingly confirmed it, saying all men just want to get in my pants. However, even though that was supposed to be a joke, it just stuck with me. I feel so alone now, because I know, in a completely non-narcissist, am not ugly but I hate that to the rest of the world, I'm just a body instead of more than that. It's always been my worst fear just to even think but now, now I think it is really true. I don't know who to trust anymore and I love all my female friends but I am so bad at opening up to them, especially about topics like this. This is a unique problem but is there any way that I can stop feeling so sad about this? It is clouding my mind and I just keep getting so mentally upset by this.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Yes, therapy for trauma.

    You can get 50 responses that tell you all men aren’t scummy. You’ll get some self centered passive aggressive my husbands great... my boyfriends amazing... trust me there coming... it’s not going to make you feel better... soothe you temporarily? Maybe, but this is deep rooted you aren’t trying to change your mind about what you want for dinner. You expierienced a traumatic event and that combined with your mindset and life experiences has made you incredibly jaded towards men, you aren’t just going to snap out of something like that.

    Call your insurance company ask them about mental health care, copay etc., pick a counselor, call him or her up make an appointment, heal.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Women are scummy too. I wouldn’t trust my dad as far as I could fling him. So so much for trusting dads.

    Not all men are bad trust me.

    I will let know gender bias gets shut down here pretty fast.

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    Sorry if I come off like I have bias, my recent experiences just make it seem like every guy out there is bad. I just do not know how to tolerate this feeling without it just taking over my mind and making it make me feel bad. And I've actually just set up an on-campus counseling appointment, per earlier advice, so thank you!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You need some therapy and I hope you get it. To say ALL men are scary or only want to have sex with you is not true and it is ridiculous. Tarring all men with one brush is just wrong. I hope you get sorted out and can learn not all men, or women for that matter, are the same.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Therapy, as others have said. When we let one or two bad moments color everything is when our mind is trying to "protect" us in a dysfunctional way.

    Say a teacher is rude, or say a job interview doesn't go well. The rational response is not to say all teachers are monsters and/or "I'll never get a job!" but to have some perspective, being able to separate the upsetting event from the big picture.

    It's pretty easy to make a blanket statement argument that people, men and women, really suck. Open up a newspaper and there's proof every day. Go through life and they'll let you down plenty. But also? There's just as much proof—there in the paper, out in the world—that people are magical and kind, probably most of them, truth be told.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    As a man that at times feels like I need to apologize for my gender on a regular basis I can see where you are coming from. I know a lot of solid men that are not like you have encountered but I have also heard stories from women that make my head spin with disbelief.

    Generalizing is not accurate and not healthy. Reading your words it sounds like you feel alone in your circumstance with a bunch of bad experiences and no good ones so of course you will have this view of men. You mentioned girl friends but not being able to open up to any of them. Is there not one you feel the closest to? I would bet she has felt the way you have one time or another just like all the fine women on this site.

    Trust and opening yourself up can be very hard after being traumatized as you have and I agree you should seek out a support group and a therapist to help you as you heal from your trauma.

    There are good and bad people in the world and they don't wear signs or shirts showing us who is good and who is bad. I am sure in time you will feel differently and use all that you have been through to make you stronger so when the right guy comes along you will be able to spot him a mile away.

    Keep posting, it does help

    Lost

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent you are getting therapy. Hate never makes anyone feel good about themselves.
    Originally Posted by mollysam
    making it make me feel bad.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're going through this. I was dealing with a sexual harassment issue at work previously that went on for three years (I said nothing about it and dealt with it on my own) and I'm sorry to say that it wasn't pleasant. You should try to refocus and speak to someone you feel safe with whether it's a therapist or not. I've been fortunate to have the support of others outside of therapy and that I didn't need to engage in that but the relief of finally speaking about it with someone was life-changing. I don't think you should keep it bottled up and you do not need to feel ashamed for it or for what has happened.

    The only thing I can suggest to you is to think long term and develop future goals and refocus yourself. Bring yourself back to a more positive and open-eyed place where the world isn't so dark and oppressive. When we live in oppression, we become different versions of ourselves and limit our own abilities and opportunities. You don't deserve that. You should re-learn to trust yourself, above all, and resist placing so much of your mental or emotional stability on your relationship with others.

    Trusting others is important. There is always a balance but trust yourself. Things will fall into place. You will never learn to love or trust others if you cannot first trust yourself. I find the most corrosive and debilitating trauma of all is when we lose that trust in ourselves and our abilities.

    I should also mention that certainly not all men behave the same way and I've been fortunate to meet incredible men (and women) in my life. For every oddball, there are ten other good people I meet or know. I'd encourage you to grow, look forward and regain your peace of mind and strength. You do not have to be strong all the time but you should learn to trust in yourself again.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mollysam
    This is a unique problem but is there any way that I can stop feeling so sad about this? It is clouding my mind and I just keep getting so mentally upset by this.
    Not a unique problem OP, and I say that not to minimize what you are going through but to let you know that you are not alone. I was molested when I was 12 and sexually assaulted when I was 15... the struggle is real when it comes to having healthy views on sex and relationships. Trauma therapy is very important, as is the willingness to work through this and to open up to people you can trust. The more you talk about it, the less shame you will have.

    Half of all women in the world today have been assaulted sexually in some way. Some by family members, some as children, some as adults, some in the most horrific ways imaginable... more awareness is coming but we still have a very long way to go to stop this from happening and to stop the perception that we somehow brought it on ourselves.

    That all being said, there are many wonderful people in this world, men and women. And it is far from true that men in general can't be trusted... some people can't be trusted, men included, but there are many wonderful and respectful men out there that you will meet when you are ready.

  12. 05-15-2019, 11:57 AM

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