My boyfriend is depressed and I dont know why the relationship is crumbling

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. There are problems with the relationships that i've noticed. Since last novemeber, the relationship has been wack. This is because he's had a big depressed period and then it passed and he said he was happy but he was still critcal negative, affectionless. At one point he said he didn't care about anything. He's been isolating himself but I think thats over. It's like he doesnt care about me anymore.

There are definitely periods where he cares.

Dec Nov - very depressed. He's told me that this is the period where he stopped loving and liking me.

Jan - pretty good and affectionate but he said he was faking it to make me happy but there were small parts where he meant it.

Feb - affectionate occasionally but then everything hit the fan when he unbottles. He said the relationship was too much effort and he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't care about anything. It's all fine tho aftwards and he goes back to loving me.

March - a combination of depressed and very very affectionate. So 2 weeks are awful and 2 weeks are very good. He was his old self again and he loved me again.

April- stuff unbottles again and he says things like that he doesn't love me anymore or like me. He said i make him feel like sh*t and that's why he isolates himself. He also says he only loves me in the moment. Then once he's unbottled, he takes everything back apart from the isolating part and him feeling like sh*t part. He tells me he loves me, he cares about me, that im important and that he cant help but liking me. We have a good week. He's affectionate and lovey again.

Then he dissapears (so he isolates himself for 3 weeks).

May - he comes back. He told me that he wasn't doing good so he figured he'd just leave me alone. He also said he did self care. He said the relationship was back to normal and he told me he loved me. He's isolating himself a bit. He hasn't said he loved me the last few days or anything else in that vein.

He say's hes not depressed but he also says he's lonely, sad, lost and without a purpose in life. He said he never has anything to say to me and he said it's unique to me. He seems depressed but he tells me he is happy. Maybe I am only getting a small glimpse of his life, one where he seems miserable when in the grand scheme, he's doing good. But he's clearly not doing good.

Is depression to blame or normal relationship problems?

This has all the hallmarks of depression. And the big problem for depression for both him and you is that depression clouds everything. While he is in it, it will be pretty much impossible to pick out what is the depression and what is him. It is also very possible to be in the depths of depression and totally deny it and even believe that denial. It sounds like he is struggling. Has he been treated for depression before? Has he seen a doctor? It feels like he needs to get help, even if he doesn't quite believe he needs it.

Sorry to hear this is happening. He needs a psychiatrist, not a relationship. He also does not want to be in a relationship. 3 yrs is a long time to put up with this nonsense. You can not change him. You can not fix him. You can not play therapist, you can not love or mother him into emotional stability. Basically you are wasting your life on this.

You are putting your life on hold for an on/off relationship with someone you claim has severe mood disorders. He is not miraculously going to get better, be decent to you and turn into someone cable of a stable loving relationship.

@wiseman

He's in the process of getting a psychiatrist. I know he doesn't need a relationship but i'll still be there for him even if it does nothing. He has not been depressed for the whole 3 years, he's only been depressed for one year. Before that he was completely fine. Passionate, sharp, happy funny and so on. I know I cannot change him. I'm not trying to change him since I just can't. I am not trying to fix him either.

I am not trying to play therapist or fix him. Please understand that. I am concerned about him but I am not trying to fix him since I know I cant

@greg

He's started the process of getting help. He's trying to sort out referrals to psychiatrists. And you're right about not being able to pick out what is depression and what is him.

It's good that he is in the process of getting a psychiatrist - the sooner that happens, the better. The thing about depression is that it is treatable and it is manageable. Personally, I feel it would be completely wrong to write somebody off because they got depression. Because if it is depression, what you're seeing is not the real him. The real him is more likely who you saw those other years. And if he can be treated, whether that is medication or therapy (in all likelihood, both), that will get him to a stronger place where he can make better decisions that are not clouded by depression. But he needs to get that help. And soon.

That said, there is a point at which you have to be sure it isn't just damaging your own life. I don't know where that point is. You have to look after yourself too.

@greg

It is damaging my life because when things go wrong it makes me anxious and overthink alot (i've considered dealing with this stuff with a professional. But i've started the process of professional help for other unrelated issues). But i've started meditating and I am definitely looking after myself. I am delving more into my hobbies (like politics and computer stuff) so that I won't be consumed by this. I know can I can ride this current wave out.

It sounds to me like you are doing the right things. Watch out that he doesn't procrastinate on sorting the psychiatrist - sometimes people with depression find it hard to push forward to get that help. Really, that needs to happen as soon as possible. Hopefully he will get the help he needs. It doesn't always happen quickly but, on meds, he could see a considerable change within about a month to give him the strength to work on other things such as therapy. And hopefully you'll get the person you knew back. If he is like a lot of people, he'll always have to watch for and manage that depression but he could learn the warning signs and be better at getting himself help before things get bad in the future.

Just be prepared that, once the cloud of depression lifts, it could still reveal that the relationship won't work. That's entirely possible. And do keep a very careful gauge of yourself and just how badly it is damaging your life. It's good to help him and hopefully get him on the right path but you can't force him to get better and depression can cause all sorts of damage to others around the person.

I wish you well.

@greg

Thank you. I hope everything works out.

With the cloud of depression lifting, I think the relationship would work again since alot of problems caused by his depression. It's like the affects on the relationship are collateral damage. If things get really bad, I know i'd have to take a break from him and/or the relationship.

Yea he is his own person and I can't fix anything. I can only support.

I know how it feels to be you because my first husband suffered from depression. Not until I said I wanted a divorce did he go to a psychiatrist and get on meds. The following 2 years were wonderful. I no longer had to walk on eggshells. I had the companion I wanted. Unfortunately, he said he never meant to be on the meds for a lifetime and wanted to wean himself off. I begged him not to, but he did and his behavior became even worse. The 2nd time I asked for a divorce, I told him it wouldn't matter if he got back on the meds because he'd killed any love I once had for him.

Yes, if he seeks help and it winds up getting him back to being a good partner, it's great that you can stick around and see if a psychiatrist and the meds do the trick. But if he refuses treatment or starts it and stops, don't feel like you should sacrifice a satisfying life just because someone was great at the beginning of the relationship. Many women are nurturing by nature, but sometimes it's to their own detriment. If he won't take steps to give himself what's medically necessary to be mentally stable, then don't settle for a miserable life. There are many more must-haves women should have in a relationship besides love. If you don't have any must-haves or dealbreakers, work on your self-love, because it's definitely missing.

Not a women, but yea.

If nothing changes, I know i will have to jump ship. I'm doing my best to make sure he doesn't drag me down with him