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Thread: I'm really confused and need advice

  1. #1

    I'm really confused and need advice

    Hi everyone!
    I'll try to summarize this the best I can. Also, I don't speak English very well so I'm sorry for that.
    Okay so first of all I feel very stupid saying this because I feel it's a very immature thing to be worried about, but I'm still very young (I'm sixteen years old) and I've got lots of things to learn so please don't be so harsh on me, thank you.
    Every day when school ends I have to go back to my home which is seven blocks away. I have two other friends who live nearby, so most of the time we go walking together. But this is the thing: One of my friends who walk with me likes to get out of school as early as possible just like me, and my other friend is not so desperate to leave school and stays chatting and whatsoever. I just go to my home after being with my friends for eight hours straight, I sometimes wait and go slow if there's an interesting conversation going on or if I just feel like it but most of the times I just want to arrive home and relax, go to the gym and do my own thing. I don't wait for anyone, I just walk home, but my friend who thinks just like me and wants to get home early always walk at the same speed as me so we go together, but sometimes I go alone, and other times (most of the times actually) I also go with my other friend who lives nearby. It had always been this way, but a while ago my other friend asked us to please wait for her all the time. It sounds really, really stupid but sometimes she arrives in time and sometimes I try to wait for her but she just takes too long, and I have my own priorities and things I have to do so I just go. Sometimes my friend who usually goes as fast as me also delays, so I just go by myself but unlike my other friend, she understands and doesn't care because we both agree that wanting company at all times is not what we find valuable in a relationship. I sometimes am the one delaying so she doesn't wait for me either (you get the idea). We just don't care, we don't see how any of this could be important for someone. I'm sure you're reading this with confusion; I find it rather childish to get offended because someone just isn't thinking about you all the time.
    She never told me how she felt. Today, my other friend and I were walking and she managed to catch us and walked right past us, like some kind of way to express that she felt angry about the situation, I don't know. In that moment she told us angrily that she feels like she always waits for us when we forget about something and she feels that we aren't taking into account or thankful for the favours she makes us. I then replied by saying that almost every favour she made me was because SHE wanted to do it, I never asked for them. For example, when I forget about something and have to return to school, she waits for me and I insist that she goes but she insists back. Most of the favours she made me -if not all of them- happened because she thinks that friendship is about that. She basically says that because she waits for me, I have to wait her back. That would be the case if I were being double-standard and asking for her to wait for me, but it's all the opposite. My other friend and I told her that that's a relationship based on forcing the other one to have the same values as yours, because if not, it means that we are the bad ones. I mean, honestly, it never came to my mind that someone could even be bothered by something so absurd. Maybe it's because she feels excluded? But I told her that I don't wait for anyone.
    But it's deeper than that. I love my friend a lot, but she's always made me favours when I don't ask for them so then everytime SHE needs help I feel forced to help her and I don't like feeling like I'm being forced to do things. I'd love to help her anytime (as long as it's done in a healthy way) but this way of relationship in which you're always expecting something from the other is not my type of relationship. That's why she always comes to me when she needs something or when she wants to go somewhere and have company. Lately I've been more firm and I've been saying no to the things I don't want to do, and she gives me a cold look when I do so, like as if she were saying "But I always do everything for you". And, I don't know, lately she's been talking a lot about herself and our way of thinking is very, very different. And she's constantly talking during class and starts shooting out words and she's very invasive. Like, VERY invasive. I admit that this has to do a little bit with all the wanting-to-return-to-home-alone thing. Like, everytime I'm talking with someone she has to peek her head in the middle or has to apply a lot of pressure, and I'm a very anxious and nervous person who is constantly trying to get release and just back away a little bit but she always has to be sticking her nose or literally glueing herself onto me. I can be very relaxed listening to music and suddenly I feel all the side of my body being stuck and I always back up after a period of time but I get very nervous and I hate myself because I can't tell her to back away! I don't know why! Don't get me wrong, I'm very affectionate but there's a time and place for that. Whenever I want to listen to a conversation between other people, I slowly reach them and listen and join. But she always interrupts the conversation and she thinks that her contribution is very important. And I feel like because I don't express my feelings and I want your help with that. When I return with her and my other friend from school, she always puts herself in the middle. It's perfect if you're in the middle, I'm not immature I don't have nine years old I couldn't care less, but she has to be the centre and if she's not in the middle she just pushes and she thinks that what she says is always more interesting than what the others say.
    I'm probably forgetting a lot of fundamental points but whatever. I hope you understood. I always start feeling bad about all of this because maybe it's my fault also. I really don't want to feel anyone left out of anything like that, I'm just kind of convinced that if I want to go home alone you shouldn't take it personal nor feel bad about it, it's just a decision like any other one and has nothing to do with any friendship. Please, help me with this if you can. Tell me your opinion. If you think I'm doing something wrong (which I probably am), please don't hesitate and tell me. Thanks a lot.

  2. #2
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    Well, first of all you do absolutely nothing wrong. The pressure and tension you feel because of your friend are normal in such a situation.
    Unless you personally have a problem with her(which makes you put her in bad light), you friend seems to has either a low self esteem or too much confidence and lack of manners. Her behaviour is annyong and I understand if is hard for you to cope with it.
    Some people havenít got the idea of ďpersonal spaceĒ and sometimes we have to take some attitude, otherwise weíll get to the point of not bearing their presence anymore.
    So, I recomment that you treat her with kindness but if needed, step back and be firm whenever a tensionate situation comes along, just explain her how things really are and try to not be affected by her manipulative behaviour. I hope she will be reasonable enough as to understand in time. If not, it is not your fault and donít feel guilty. Just donít forget to treat her with kindnes. We sometimes have to accept that everyone has defects and strange habits and we have to kindly try to accept them, even if this is not a pleasant thing.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with Highsky. Your friend is overbearing but it's good practice for you and learning how to express your limitations and boundaries while maintaining tact and diplomacy. Those things are important the older you become. I think her dependency on both of you as friends (your other friend and you) might be indicative of issues going on at home also and that she doesn't have the support or stability she needs from her parents or her family (in her home life). I wouldn't speculate further as I am just a stranger but as a mother, that is my first instinct.

    I would try to practice kindness and more understanding but don't override your own limitations/boundaries when it comes to time management and other commitments. You might also want to think a bit more carefully about what you say when you need to leave. You do not always have to tell everyone lock, stock and barrel what you're truly doing when you go home (whether it's the gym etc.). You can indirectly say that you are needed somewhere else and have to hurry home. Close the discussion (go home) and remain friendly and upbeat when you see her next. Holding onto that resentment during your conversations the next day or allowing that negative energy to pervade you will influence the way you speak and behave around her. We have a unique quality as human beings and we often pick up on energies and emotions of others. All of you strike me as emotionally intelligent and very bright young women. You are reading each other very well. Learn to be more diplomatic and filter your thoughts and that energy you're giving off in your interactions and keep things positive.

    It's normal to deal with complaints and disagreements in friendships and any relationship. You shouldn't shy away from it or be afraid. Learn to focus your thoughts. You may not always be able to control your emotions but you can control your thoughts and the way you behave around others. Enjoy your schooling and studies and go to the gym when you want. Learn to filter. You'll be just fine.

  4. #4
    Hi Rose!
    Thank you very very much for your help! Everything you say is so nice and lovely!! I want to give you an update: Iíve spoken to my friend for a very long time today (Iíve decided to not be afraid of expressing my feelings anymore) and we sat down and talked about this for like an hour and it ended with a very emocional, stress-free hug :)) But it was like one of my hardest decisions because youíre so afraid that it will be very uncomfortable and the friendship will end that you donít open up. So, to anyone going through someone similar, I recommend to talk always nicely and understand that others have their bad things just as you. So, again thank you very much for your advice and kind words, they really helped me.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm so glad to hear this. It sounds like you've both tried to understand each other and the air is cleared. This is so wonderful. Good tip about communication and respecting each other too. I hope your new understanding of each other and your friendship together continues to grow. Sometimes difficult situations produce the most surprising and loyal friendships.


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