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Thread: What should I even feel like?

  1. #1

    What should I even feel like?

    I think I have a wonderful man by my side.
    - He's a high school teacher, and his students adore him.
    - He is very handsome. Broad shoulders, strong jaw, top shelf tush, muscular arms, the works.
    - He can make me laugh. We have our own inside jokes which have lasted years.
    - He can be a gentleman (insists on carrying the heavy groceries/paying when we go out)
    - He doesn't mind my skin condition (psoriasis which is honestly kinda yuck.)
    - He likes to keep up with his family
    - He values honesty and loyalty
    - He is *ahem* ... talented.
    - He is smart with money (we agree on finances)
    - He wants a family (we agree on how many kids we eventually want)
    - He cooks and cleans without being asked/begged/nagged
    - He has helped support me while I have been attending university for engineering.
    - He has worked hard to improve his life from his childhood growing up in a dirt floored one room home in the USSR to US citizenship with good credit, a clean bill of health, and saving toward being a home owner...

    I respect him so much.

    I also think that I am chained to a real jerk.
    - He starts shouting at me if I meet/speak to my father (after they had an argument which ended up with us being kicked out of dad's house)
    - He insults and curses at me (sometimes in public) when he decides that something is irrational (like tossing an item into a grocery basket while upset)
    - He doesn't drive and dictates what I can do on my days off in order to pick him up exactly when he gets off work
    - He shouts and guilt trips me of I drink anything alcoholic even if I am with friends her house (underage drinking isn't the issue)
    - He actively avoids talking to my mother/sisters, but he insists on being with me if I visit them. So he ends up going to their houses and sitting quiet in the next room.
    - He has yet to spend more than 10 minutes exploring my interests (art, online/table top gaming, technology, etc.) Whereas we have been to over 30 sport games/concerts each of which span hours and are sometimes out of town.
    - He doesn't seem interested in me as a person. Up until last year he wouldn't even ask me how my day was or what I did (we started living together in April of 2015).
    - He tells me how to do little things all of the time (like how to hang his shirts, how much I can carry from the car at once, what shoes I should wear, little stuff)

    I wanna grab him by the shoulders, shake him violently, and scream.

    There is more for both lists, but I'm at a loss for what I should feel. I'm both grateful and impressed with him though at the same time I want to roll my eyes and walk out.

    We've spoken about the issues, but ultimately nothing seems to change but me getting so worn out that I care more about not talking about it anymore than being asked how my day was, what was said, if we spend time doing what I like, or about a few good stiff drinks. I have suggested relationship counseling, but he refuses flatly every time I bring it up.

    I think I know what may be said, but we've lived together for 4 years, and while I have worked while at university to pay for my tuition, I feel indebted to him for paying rent and for food all of this time. Without him, I would have made it, but he would make me a snack during all nighters and made sure to get to campus by bus so I wouldn't have to walk to my car alone in the dark. I appreciate who he is and what he has done, but I don't think I can be free to be me around him?

    Is it a terrible thing that I want to leave?
    Am I insane?
    Should I suck it up and stay with him?
    How do I approach breaking up without being screamed at?
    How do I move out of this living situation with the least trauma possible?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    The cons outweigh the pros by a huge margin, IMO. I would not put up with anyone who tells me who I can or cannot talk to, whether I can have a drink with friends and is basically rude to my family. I'm surprised you are still there. His nice butt doesnt make up for his crappy attitude towards you.

    What to do? Find somewhere to go, even if it's a room in a house, a women's shelter, a friend with a couch. Whatever it takes. If you dont want a confrontation, pack and leave when he's not home. Change your cell #, block and delete on any social media.

  3. #3
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    Well the things you listed that are negative actually sound very controlling and are basically emotional abuse. So what if he is hot, a teacher, wants kids and marriage, etc. He is treating you pretty badly and that is the important part. I get that he paid your rent and bills that you were studying but he did that because you guys are together, you are a couple. That still doesn't give him the right to yell at you, control what you do, be disrespectful to your family. A truly nice person is nice across the board and not manipulative. If you feel unhappy and you want to leave then you gotta listen to that gut feeling. You probably feel that way for a good reason.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    The cons outweigh the pros by a huge margin, IMO. I would not put up with anyone who tells me who I can or cannot talk to, whether I can have a drink with friends and is basically rude to my family. I'm surprised you are still there. His nice butt doesnt make up for his crappy attitude towards you.

    What to do? Find somewhere to go, even if it's a room in a house, a women's shelter, a friend with a couch. Whatever it takes. If you dont want a confrontation, pack and leave when he's not home. Change your cell #, block and delete on any social media.
    I second this entire post. With that list of cons I am both shocked and surprised that you are even with him in the first place. I'd be out the door and heading for the hills so fast you wouldn't see me for dust. Personally, I see nothing wonderful about him at all (sorry). The sooner you leave, the better (imo).

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  6. #5
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    The cons heavily outweigh the pros here. It's concerning that you have tolerated this as long as you have.

    He is ridiculously controlling and rude, and emotionally abusive to you. My strong suspicion is that he took the bus to your campus not to make sure you made it safely to your car, but as an extension of his extreme control issues and a desire to monitor everything you do and everyone you might possibly interact with. I am also going to go out on a limb and guess his bad behaviour had something to do with being kicked out of your dad's house?

    You likely won't be able to avoid him throwing a tantrum when you break up. He will probably also use the fact that he paid for rent and food you, so be prepared for it. Minimize the damage by pre-arranging where you will go when you end it, and don't tell him where you are when you leave. Consider the logistics of actually moving your belongings out and make sure to get them out before he could throw them away or otherwise damage them. Be firm, don't accuse, and simply tell him there is no future and it is over. Don't leave room for discussion.

  7. #6
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    Good god! End this. Now.

    He is controlling, insecure and emotionally abusive. But, you know this! You should have ended this years ago.

    Get out!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    All relationships being voluntary, nobody 'owes' anyone else to be in a relationship that has run its course. There are no judges or juries in our love life, so you don't need to build a good enough 'case' in order to exit and move on. Nobody else is living our love lives FOR us, so nobody else gets a vote.

    If you want out, you're entitled to be out. Period.

  9. #8
    His only consistent bad behaviors (which pops up daily) is the constant irritating advising on how to do simple things and... how do I say it... impatience with doing little things he would rather do? Like looking for a show on Netflix for 30 minutes rather than just letting what I've been watching play on for the third/fourth episode. That's pretty annoying, but it's small stuff which I typically ignore.

    Other than those two, most of the other bad behaviors are either avoidable or don't come up unless there are special occasions. I don't visit my family often, I am a fairly rational person, I was never a heavy drinker, I was pretty upset with my dad about the falling out between them as well (so I didn't really want to talk to him for a while after that happened).

    Dad was actually the instigator in that battle. He likes to mettle and stir up drama where there is none, and he deliberately pushed my fiancee's buttons for weeks before the outburst. On the day of the falling out, my dad was basically accusing him of being an uncivilized foreigner because he didn't show enough gratitude toward me in front of my dad for dad's liking (he was thanking me privately instead). It was the thought of being considered an outcast that got to my partner more than the accusation of treating me poorly because his family have always been outcasted in their homeland since he was a child. It's a sensitive subject for him.

    I think the walking me to the car at night was him being kind moreso than being controlling. I've been stalked and raped in the past, so having him there was a comfort, and he was never poised outside of my classroom to usher me away from friends. He'd sit in a comfortable spot with his lap top until I got ready to go, and then we'd leave. He did grouse once or twice about me socializing too much and keeping us there too long. Those did turn into arguments if truth be told.

    I do a lot to keep this guy going. He's terrible at math, so I manage his taxes. The school doesn't allow for him to take calls during work, so I manage doctor's appointments / insurance / pharmacy calls for him, I have to do the driving for all errands and job interviews as well as getting him to and from work every day. I don't mind doing these things, but me disappearing would cripple him. I don't want to make him stress out about how he will be able to get food or if he can get to work on time. I dont mind helping at all. I just don't want to be told to do it.

    As inflammamtory as the original post was I meant those good qualities were constants, and the negative ones just pop up. When we're good, we're good. It's just fine about 90-95% of the time. It's just god awful when it's bad.

    I grew up in a pretty abusive situation as a kid/you adult (my oldest sister is a real... such and such), so I may have what seems like an unreasonable amount of patience. I just know that he's never laid a hand on me in anger, and he does apologise for the worst of his offenses. I could never have even hoped for that much as a kid/young adult.
    Last edited by ALuckyLilDuc; 05-15-2019 at 10:18 AM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're in an abusive relationship. It's that simple. Abusive relationships are never all bad. That's the hook. You think that talking will fix him.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by ALuckyLilDuc
    His only consistent bad behaviors (which pops up daily) is the constant irritating advising on how to do simple things and... how do I say it... impatience with doing little things he would rather do? Like looking for a show on Netflix for 30 minutes rather than just letting what I've been watching play on for the third/fourth episode. That's pretty annoying, but it's small stuff which I typically ignore.

    Other than those two, most of the other bad behaviors are either avoidable or don't come up unless there are special occasions. I don't visit my family often, I am a fairly rational person, I was never a heavy drinker, I was pretty upset with my dad about the falling out between them as well (so I didn't really want to talk to him for a while after that happened).

    Dad was actually the instigator in that battle. He likes to mettle and stir up drama where there is none, and he deliberately pushed my fiancee's buttons for weeks before the outburst. On the day of the falling out, my dad was basically accusing him of being an uncivilized foreigner because he didn't show enough gratitude toward me in front of my dad for dad's liking (he was thanking me privately instead). It was the thought of being considered an outcast that got to my partner more than the accusation of treating me poorly because his family have always been outcasted in their homeland since he was a child. It's a sensitive subject for him.

    I think the walking me to the car at night was him being kind moreso than being controlling. I've been stalked and raped in the past, so having him there was a comfort, and he was never poised outside of my classroom to usher me away from friends. He'd sit in a comfortable spot with his lap top until I got ready to go, and then we'd leave. He did grouse once or twice about me socializing too much and keeping us there too long. Those did turn into arguments if truth be told.

    I do a lot to keep this guy going. He's terrible at math, so I manage his taxes. The school doesn't allow for him to take calls during work, so I manage doctor's appointments / insurance / pharmacy calls for him, I have to do the driving for all errands and job interviews as well as getting him to and from work every day. I don't mind doing these things, but me disappearing would cripple him. I don't want to make him stress out about how he will be able to get food or if he can get to work on time. I dont mind helping at all. I just don't want to be told to do it.

    As inflammamtory as the original post was I meant those good qualities were constants, and the negative ones just pop up. When we're good, we're good. It's just fine about 90-95% of the time. It's just god awful when it's bad.

    I grew up in a pretty abusive situation as a kid/you adult (my oldest sister is a real... such and such), so I may have what seems like an unreasonable amount of patience. I just know that he's never laid a hand on me in anger, and he does apologise for the worst of his offenses. I could never have even hoped for that much as a kid/young adult.
    I see, so now you are going to defend him, as you didn't like the responses. The bottom line is is that none of that is acceptable, may it be daily or occasional. He is a abusixe, manipulative control freak, which you are choosing to stay with.

    How did he survive before you came along? I hardly think it would "cripple him" if you left . That is your co dependence speaking. Plus, it is not your responsibility.

    Why did you even create this thread if his behavior is okay? You grew up and are now continuing an abusive lifestyle. Nothing has changed.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 05-15-2019 at 12:12 PM.

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